So, Its a Big Deal.

Last Friday MeTo and I went to Philadelphia to celebrate our one-year anniversary.  We had a lovely evening planned.  We would go to the Franklin institute have dinner at the Brazilian steak house and then wonder around the city until it was time to part ways.
I had to stay behind because my sister was leaving for college on Sunday and I promised her I would drive with her up there. MeTo had to meet his mother back at our place, the two of them were then going to go upstate to help dad close the house for the rest of winter.
The day did not start as planned we got to the city a little latter then we should have, mostly my fault, and that left us with only two hours to spend in the museum before it closed.  We made the most of it and it turned out two hours was more than enough.
After the museum, we went to a restaurant called Chime, a Brazilian steak house.  MeTo thought he was going to pay for the entire day, but as I felt that was improper and unfair I took care of the museum and allowed him to pay for dinner in short we paid for the parts of the night we picked.
We ended up being a half hour early for the restaurant and took some time to simply take in the city.  We walked past the Comcast tower and went to a 7 eleven to grab me a candy bar.  When the time came, we were excited to eat and I had a blast with the exception of one minor detail.  My head began to hurt and before I knew I had a migraine all before, I realized I had aspirin in my bag.
After dinner, the night was young and we decided to go to a quiet spot.  Q lounge, which was formally bump, was the first thing to pop in my mind.  I knew at that time of day it would be perfect to just sit, talk, and have a good time without all the rowdiness that could be the gayborhood.
I offered to buy him a drink and he passed by saying, “Not right now.”  I was unsure what he was waiting for but we sat and talked for a brief while and before I knew it I was being thanked for all the help I gave during his proposal but he informed me that his PhD proposal defense was not the one he was worried about. After trying to pull what he was talking about out of him, he pulled a red box out of his pocket.  One final question from he and me then asked, “Will you marry me.”
I was stunned and gave it a quick thought and said, “Yes.” I was completely taken off guard and felt like I needed time to think and digest what happened alone.  It was not long before the waiter figured what happened and informed us that he had just taken his ring off a few months ago. I was shocked at the ring not what I expected and yet I was wearing it. My stomach was in knots and my head was throbbing while the aspirin did nothing.  I so wanted to just run to my mom’s and talk to my sister but I did all that a new fiancé is supposed to do.  I showed the ring to all those who asked to see it and had our picture taken in the bar.  He was relieved that I said yes and I was simply in shock.
When the night finally ended, we both went to Market East train station and waited for our separate trains.  He had to meek his mom to go upstate and I had to go with my parents to take my sister to college.
I got home and I told my sister what happened she was in awe, I still was in shock.  We talked about her life and a few things in my life and my head and stomach was just getting worse.  She joked and told me to take the ring off; I was having a Carrie moment. I drank some water and went to sleep.
The first thing I did when I woke was put the ring on and got started with my day.  My sister and I then went to KOP Mall in hopes that shopping would clear my head. I called jay and told him what happened who then patched Tia in and they were thrilled, I still in shock told them how it happened and then we talked about my shock.  A whole day of shopping with my sister and a new outfit and still was not where I should have been.  MeTo called me, I received congratulations from my future in-laws, and we chatted about how our days went.
I made plans to tell my other friends when we went out that night.  On the way I called my cousin Tiffany, she was excited, and I was no longer in shock.  I became more excited at the idea of getting married.  The whole day was filled with ideas of being the first to get married went through my head and tell my mother and planning a wedding and finally my head stopped and my heart took over.
I made a stop at my grandmother’s and told her and my aunt and while my aunt was excited, my grandmother tried to hide her disappointment.  I then met my friends, Dan and Lou were on time and I could not wait to tell them they were excited like everyone else and I told them how I was in shock for a good while and then I just now fell in love with my ring.
Phil showed and he was excited as well and I showed my ring to everyone that asked.  Two hours later Jay joined us at Q and I regaled my friends with the story one last time and we drank almost 40 dollars and were merry, it was a night to remember.
The next day I called MeTo and told him about the night and he was happy for me.  I have no idea why I went through what I went through but I am happy to say I am talking plans for the day when I marry the Sexiest, sweeties, loving man in the entire world.  I got my fairytale.

Don’t Cross Vixc B

Vixc b,ex,breakup,boyfriend,loss,anger,revenge,apology,past,sorry

Today I brought back to life an old project that I once wanted to work on a few years ago. I was shocked to find that the project required me to talk about my ex Mr. M. I am not sure but I have a strong feeling that he is still vaguely in my life for a reason.  Sure he is almost 3000 miles away and we hardly ever talk to each other. I read his blog every now and then because it makes me feel great to know that while my life is going in a positive direction he is having trouble finding a job just lost the man who he thought was the love of his life after he gave him hell and is sad to be miles away from all he knows.

I know it is not the Christian way but it’s the human condition. In the process of writing about my past I realized that I still don’t have an answer to an important question. When he broke up with me he could not leave it at just that he asked if we could still be friends. To be exact he said, “I would like it if we could still be friends.”

I to this day cannot make since of it. He and I had nothing in common. We lived 2 hours away from each other, I was a light drinker, light smoker and preferred to keep drugs out of my life.  He took pride in the fact he was a heavy drinker, he liked smoking and did pot, he took pills and liked to dress as a fairy every now and then. I used British slang and he hated it. He was the tit for tat type of guy and was the all is fare in love and war. He welcomed dram and I cut drama queens out my life. So why stay friend with me?

I picked up my phone and before I knew it I was on the second ring. I realized that this was a very bad Idea. Before he had made a trip to Philly we were talking frequently and decided to make a point to hang out. As the day neared I got no call and have not heard from him since. After the bad blog I wrote calling him ever negative gay name in the book. He wrote me a letter which stated between the lines that he only wanted to be friends when it was convent for him. It hurt to imagine that someone would imply that but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and his actions or lack thereof proved it.

I want to cut him out my life, but I feel some kind of attachment to him. I know he was my first official love and all but at some point a person should feel the need to let go. I just don’t understand and I guess I still want answers to questions that only he can answer.

I am a real friend and all my friends agree. If you ask me for advice I tell you what you need to hear, not want to hear. If you need me for something I am there, if I can help you out I will and there has not been a person I have ever called friend that I have not done that for.

Mr. M keeps me at a distance, no matter how much I let him in he refuses to be my real friend. I have done things for him and they remain unreturned, I have given him advice only to have him respond negatively when I came to him. To be honest I think I just may hate him and want to inflict my own damage upon him. No matter how bad things in his life get they are not as bad as I want them to be. Maybe if I ran him over in a car, or stabbed him, they seem like good ideas but that hurts him physically and I want to hurt him emotionally. When I found out what happened to him and Joe I felt it was not good enough.  I want him to either realize the effect of his actions on me and truly apologize or to suffer.

That’s just it, and I refuse to cut him out my life until justice is served. I want Karma or Vixc B to do its best and worse in his life and I want him to realize it to late.  

 

Where is My Life Going?

life,relationships,sex,gay,happiness,Philadelphia,Vixc B

If you were to ask me a week ago my plan for my life I would have been more than happy to tell you. I would have confidently opened my mouth and gave you a nice little run down of my plans and what I was doing in the present to accomplish them. Now I am in a state of I don’t know. This has happened before but that was always when something didn’t work out, like moving, or losing a friend or getting my heart broken. But nothing has changed, I have all my friends, my boyfriend, my family and I am still living in the same apartment.

So what is new, what has changed? For the past few days I have not wanted to have sex with Mr. MeTo. At first I thought it was a dream I had about having sex with a woman. I will not lie I enjoyed it in the dream and it did excite me. I thought maybe I was going through a bisexual moment that would pass but when I went to check my A4A account and saw the ads for gay porn I knew that was not the case.

I do not want to cheat on Mr. MeTo I just want some time that is sex free. No pressure to have sex, him not asking me for sex I just want my body to have a break.

I recently talked to jay and he is convinced that the illuminati is bringing about the end of the world and that Obama is the anti Christ. While I do believe in the anti Christ and the end of days my beliefs are based on one thing and that is the bible and my faith in G-d. His is based on conspiracy videos and the fact that many of them link up with different religions claims to the end of the world.

I did my research and while I do believe that the events for the end of day have been set in motion, I cannot get in a twist and start shouting, “The end of the world is coming.” What good would that cause? That’s like being told you’re going to die and there is nothing you can do about it. Now I do feel that a warning is necessary if evil rises up in such a way that it is seen as good then people will need to know in order to save their souls.

Now it may seem that I am avoiding him but I really just need him to calm down and get back to the point of talking about what he knows and believes and not shouting it as if its fact. The videos offer a little fact to support its existence and then leave the viewer to come to his or her own conclusion.

My emotional life is not where I would like it to be. I should find myself excited to be in a serious relationship but I continue to find things that make me want to walk away. How do you really know when you have found the one? To many times I have been called the one and each time there was doubt in my mind. You only get one, “The One.”

I have my best friend worried about the end of the world, my boyfriend worried about trying to have sex with me and his job, my mother is worried about her church being corrupt, losing her job, trying to start business and whether or not my sister and I are really Christians. I have no real faith in anything but G-d the fact my sister loves me and that I live on planet earth. The rest I have my doubts no matter how small they are still there.

So why should I not go through times when I am depressed and unhappy, why should I not have days when I don’t want to be bothered? I would think that if the man I claim to be the one would see when I am in a mode where he should not approach me for sex. Why is it I can get people down to a tea but even the closet to me can’t figure out that Vixc B needs space. I keep thinking that I should go to Philly for a week and not talk to MeTo. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, or it can help a person really figure out what they want.

Today I read my bible and found it comforting, I felt that connection to G-d that I have wanted to have for a while. I then got on my computer and read Mr. M’s blog, I wanted to text him but I had to pull myself back, when he came to Philly I was not called and he never text me unless I text him. I went on to read some of my old blog post. A few from the NYC era, I read about how I felt when I realized the type of person Jazz was, how it felt to lose her as a friend, how it felt to come back home and see that everything changed. I read about when Jay met Josh and Jay paying for me to go to the pub crawl.

I figured I needed a break from MeTo so I could figure out want I wanted in my life but how would I tell him.

The art of "Talking"

dirty talk,sex talk,sex,gay sex,talking,party,sex party

As one would have it, holding a conversation is not a casual thing. There are times we are forced into having a conversation. Such as when we meet someone new that we find to be dull, or when we are forced to be the only person left in the room with that family member we do not like, that insist upon asking about school, or work. We all have moments that we just wish we could be somewhere else or with someone else.

Then there are those conversations that we must have with our significant other. We talk about money, the future, what we want for dinner, or plan to do something when we are bored. Many times in a healthy relationship we will find that, that conversation can lead to sex and how it does is more than interesting.

Some guys will use dirty talk as a segue to the main event or events if you’re lucky. While sometimes dirty talk can be just that, the main event. The art of dirty talk seems to be one that is fallen by the way side. I used to be good at it, I could use my words to get both men and women off, but like with most skills it’s a matter of using it or losing it.

Dirty talk is a very complicated thing, which artfully displayed in SATC episode 202. We see Miranda persuaded to get into dirty talk by her boyfriend. She gets into it but when she says the wrong thing her mans leaves her, single again. It makes people wonder what some good sex talk tactics are. Most of us live in a world where avoiding the bad three, is so old school. At dinner parties we love it when the ice is broken and we can all talk about Sex, Politics and religion. When we add convo about contraband and alcohol it really becomes a party. We enjoy talking and hearing about each others’ sexcapades. It’s in the joy of these moments that we learn a lot about the person we are currently sleeping with. Sometimes it’s exciting while other times it’s a little shocking.

“You did what? With who? When?” the questions and the conversation is no longer simple, we have to pay attention to our partners tone and inflection on every word of the story to figure out if what they did was a fun experience or a nightmare. Once you have figured out which stories are good and which are bad, and when you know how they feel about your stories you can now mix it up.

You can try the things you both had an interest in but never actually introduced to the bedroom because you just did not see the other as that freaky. Then you can insinuate with your dirty talk what you are willing to try. Never just come out and say, “I wanna handcuff you to the bed and eat whipped cream off you, like your ex did.” And even if you leave off the, “like your ex did,” the conversation could bring back the night that you had the conversation and they then will think about the ex, and shit just got a whole lot more complicated.

Instead you can say, “I wanna tie you up and lick you all over.” They will really have to stretch their mind to get the, “Like your ex did.” As the conversation continues you can add elements like cherries or strawberries which will lead to the whipped cream.

The goal is to leave your partner wanting to hear your next line. If they can’t think of anything to say they should be able to say, “Oh yes and then what.” Then if you lead it with a “You start doing (whatever)” it should not be long before you dirty talk leads to sex, if that’s the goal, or you can end your conversation by changing the subject.

Dirty talk is fun and it helps you to not only work on your communication skills but also your creativity. I guess I still got it. Typically MeTo and I just call each other names during sex not too much dirty talk, but to each his own and if you like it I love it.  

Fags and Drama. Again!

What is it that makes gay men and drama go hand and hand? I honestly cannot stand it anymore. My best friend Jay and I have had some issues and we never have made a big deal out of it. It was always “let’s get over this ASAP so we can go back to having fun.” Why doesn't the rest of the Gay world work this way?

Mr. MeTo and I are in love and we hate to deal with drama. We learned how to talk not argue we are now going on ten months and have only had one fight several disagreements but only one fight and the fight and make up took about two hours.

So I have 4 gay best friends, a boy friend a mother who disapproves on of me being gay and then all my other family members. Out of all those people none of them give me as much drama as the people I simply chat with every now and then. I am constantly giving advice on issues that simply are not advice worthy, and they pick fight with me over the dumbest of things. When I try to correct the issue instead of being direct or answering yeas or no questions with a yes or no they rather beat around the bush and prolong the dramatic discussion to the point where I say, “Fuck it, when your over it let me know.” I have no room for drama.

I can’t help but find it fascinating. I am friend with people who have next to no money, don’t get along with family members, are struggling with school, constantly going through guys and it the people who could easily be happy that run down my text messaging, run down y monthly minutes, light up mu aim and msn with stupid shit. And to top it all off when I ask them for advice they don’t know shit.

So this is dedicated to all the Drama Fags. I don’t have time or energy, when your done with the bull call me but until then. I’m busy with being a grown up.

No Cross Dressing Allowed!

Most recently I read an article about a how an all male college has cracked down on cross dressing. The article was a nice short read that was written from an unbiased perspective. The article gave the facts and spoke briefly of how some of the parties involved fell about it.

I have to admit having gone to an all male high school there are certain things that people expect of the graduates. I remember my freshmen year and seeing how many of the students bent the rules, wearing pajama pants to school because a belt was not part of the dress code. I enjoyed having a dress code. Many of my friends went to schools where they had a uniform and many of them liked it just as much if not more.

One of the joys in having a dress code is that it creates a uniform atmosphere without making it look or feel plain or unordinary. I was able to match my shirts with my paints how I saw fit and could use my ties and blisters to express myself. All the student body either did not mind or enjoyed the dress code as it allowed room for individuality and made getting dressed in the morning easier.

The pluses to having a dress code clearly outweigh the negatives for both the individual student, the entire student body and all school employees.

Now this private all male institution put a ban on Cross dressing while on campus and at college sponsored events. I cannot really have qualm with this ban as when one has made the choice to be in an all male environment  it is safe to express one’s self but within reasonable means. Cross dressing is something that makes even gay men uncomfortable at times. In a world where homosexuality is being slowly accepted it is necessary to show that we are not different from others. To many times people take things to the extreme and it creates controversy and misunderstandings.

A gay man starts to wear dresses every chance he gets, he is representing the gay community some people who never have contact with a homosexual until this have only one real impression of being gay. Now this same person has a family member who decides to come out of the closet. Their only idea of a gay man is not a positive one and all they can see is how this person is going to be “Different” and have trouble in life.

I am not saying that ignorance is an excuse to be intolerable of anything but when you have people constantly casting negative light on something and being a poor representative, all future parties must be understanding of this.

The women rights movement worked hard at trying to prove that women are equal to men it took years and is still fighting to move forward but if a woman decides to preach that a wife’s place is in the kitchen like the old stereotype says then the movement is set back. Now if a gay man decides to flaunt the fact that he is not only gay but likes the fact that he fits into the traditional stereotype of what a homosexual man is  we can not be angry that it is taking time for homosexuals to be accepted completely into society.

There is nothing wrong with a man preaching, “Men should act like men.” It’s not sexist if he is willing to be friend a homosexual.  I know that some guys cannot help but act feminine it’s their nature and even they are being accepted but to mix cross dressers and transsexuals in with ordinary people who are gay is not fair and to act the world to do so is wrong.

Society has dictated gender rolls and while man and woman has been amended to include equal right and homosexuality, the gender of a guy who acts like a female and dresses like a female fits into the category of if “if it looks like a duck and it acts like a duck.”

And if a man wants to live as a female why should he be afforded the same privileges of both sexes? All male schools should remain all male schools. All Female schools should remain all female. By mixing in people who are in the middle mental and allowing them to act as in the middle individuals despite the reasons that single gender institutions exist.

Now this ban dose not infringe on ones freedom of speech, expression, or individuality. As these young men are still allowed to pick what they where and discuss issues that they want to when it is appropriate. Every day in the real world we all deal with the restrictions that are put on basic human rights so that we and those that we are around are protected.

I am a gay man who supports this as this ban has been put in place to create a higher standard of excellence in all its students, the reputation of the school and the dose not infringe greatly on the basic human rights of each student.  Not to mention if any student doesn't like it they do not have to attend that school as it is not a public institution.

While some people may disagree with me, think long and hard about what has really happened and is it a really something worth fighting over?

Dont be what you eat.

Recently I found out that without a doubt my best friend from high school is not only gay but a total ass hole. While it seems odd to me because he was such a nice guy back then, he has totally cut all of his friends in the greater Philadelphia area off. Yesterday when I went to check my A4A account, I have it only to make friends; I noticed that I was set to the Philadelphia view. In the last frame I saw a picture that looked quite familiar so I clicked on it. Much to my surprise but no shock it was a family member of my mother’s side of the family. I had seen this person in the club and yet at family functions he has been a total ass hole not only to me but many other family members. I am out to all my family and I am very big in the Philadelphia gay social scene. One would think that if you have a secret you would befriend the only person who can blow the whistle on you. For those of you who are curious as to who this person is simply go back and read the violet blog, no surprise it’s him.

I don’t understand this way of thinking, people come out of the closet and decide to be total ass holes to the very people that will love and support them no matter what. I have had to deal with many of my mother’s family members judging me and feeling like my life is falling further and further away because many don’t approve, and this whole time one person could have been there making it a little easier but chose not to. I will admit I should feel some kind of pain but I am over it. I now have one up on this person and while my best friend used to be a great guy, to the gay community of Philadelphia he is known as an ass hole and that is not a good way to come out the closet. And as for my cousin he will not know true happiness until he accepts what he is and stops lurking in the shadows.

So Thats September

Life is getting ever so complicated, just a quick blurb to bring everyone up to speed. MeTo has decided to get back in touch with his religious side and just in time, as September contains two of the most holy of holidays in the Jewish faith. I have been alongside him every step of the way and quite supportive and it is leading me to get closer to God in my Christian faith.

September also happens to be my busiest month, as far as birthdays go. As I have said before I love my Virgos. So there was a trip to Philly to celebrate the 15th and a card was sent to celebrate my grandmother’s 70th birthday. Then the 19th which would have been MeTo’s birthday party turned out to be Rosh Hashanah, so instead we had a big dinner with his immediate family and I covered desert and the Challah, MeTo did lamb chops and roasted vegetables and Mom made matzo ball soup and Kasha Varnishkes. It was Jewish feast.

The day after was MeTo’s actual birthday and we spent the day in the big apple. His parents got him two tickets to Wicked and I truly enjoyed it. It required some digesting for MeTo but he came around. We then had real New York pizza and enjoyed central park and the sites that make the big apple what it is.

I went to my first Jewish religious ceremony on a Friday and the next day I threw MeTo a great party. 12 of his friends showed and we ate and danced and sang. We both had a wonderful time.

Sunday started Yom Kippur and I made a big meal of collard greens, candy yams, fried chicken, and collie flower for our pre-fast meal. Then in the early afternoon we went to services at the temple. I was really getting into the Jewish faith. Our breakfast was with mom and I found out some disturbing information about the New York City public school system.

That was the gist of my September and I hope to have greater details for you soon. So keep checking to see what’s new.

We All Have our Violet Days

Victor S Bethea II

The previous blog, while every word is true, is what I like to call one that was written in a violet moment, a dark point in my life. Since that posting I have done a lot of thinking and talked with MeTo about it.

I noticed that it may come off that I am not happy with the fact that I came out of the closet and I am not happy with the person that I am. This is not the case, while I have many regrets in my past me coming out of the closet is not one of them. It is true that I never wanted to be gay, who would honestly chose a life where an extremely conservative Christian family would persecute you. Who would choose a life where one could never look forward to having a big happy wedding like his friends and other family member? Who would honestly choose a life where he runs the risk of being attacked in the neighborhood where he grew up because he is not like the guys he grew up with? This is not a life that people wake up and choose its one that people wake up and are forced to accept.

I explained before that before I came out of the closet it was years of fasting and praying that God would change my sexual desires and it was after this extreme time that I had to accept myself for who I am. It hurts that my main spiritual leader fails to see or even try to see things from my perspective.

When I came out of the closet I had nothing anymore, I had to begin reevaluating everything in my life, from my religion and family values, to what I wanted to do with my life and the type of people I wanted in it. You would think having a boyfriend at such a time would make things better but mine made things worse. He showed me the path of a stereotypical gay man. He smoked round the clock, drank round the clock, used marijuana every chance he had, spent his free time clubbing and out in bars. He was the only gay friend I had as mf friend Anthony abandoned me right before I came out.  

I needed someone so I stayed with my boyfriend got his advice and allowed him to help me block out the pain. I began smoking cigarettes, and drinking more than I would have liked to. He would tell me this is gay life smoking drinking a clubbing and when your gay 25 is middle age. I began to understand the fear that my mother had about gay life not including her religious views. It was a new strange would for me and I had only one tour guide and after 5 weeks I was abandoned yet again because I failed to fit any kind of stereotype.

I began a search on a4a to make new friends and maybe find a boyfriend and one friend and I began going to Woody’s. I was loving it on Friday nights meant dancing half dressed on a speaker box I was in the gay scene but I was free to become the gay man I wanted to become. I had no one telling me this is how it is and you’re supposed to think and do this. It was my choice to drink and to get drunk. It was a time in my life that was all about having fun, and that’s just what I did. With my friends at work supporting me and encouraging me not to change, and vowed to myself that while I am gay I will be the victor I was when I was straight.   

Shortly after Mr. M and I were done I was invited to a birthday party by my friend Erica. Her friend Jayson was having a birthday party and it gave me a chance to where my all white as it was a white party.

The party was nice but the after party was even better despite the guy I was eyeing all night was not going to the club. One might find it odd but it was at the club that I got to know the birthday boy. We had met twice before but this was the first time that I had a chance to really get to know him. Our friend Erica wanted us to date but it’s a good thing we didn’t because less than two weeks later we were hanging out again, and then again, and before we knew it we were introducing each other as best friend.

While Jayson was a heavy smoker and sometimes drank a lot during parties, he never defined what being gay was, yet he showed me how to be gay. I felt like I was capable of being who I was before, I could keep my morals and have fun. He was the kind of person that spoke his mind and made it clear that this is how HE thought and if any one disagreed they could speak up and it would be welcomed. I meet many people through Jay and of all the friends that I ever made in life I never regretted befriending him.

We had so much in common we liked diverse crowds and to dance on the speaker box at Woody’s. We even had a thing for white guys.

By the time of my 22nd birthday I had such a great view of the gay world, I had seen the good the bad all that it had to offer and at 22 I was a better person than I had been at 21. I was out and happy, I had a new respect for life and the people in it. I knew my support base and I knew where to go to have a good time. I was a better rounded person. The only problem was I allowed someone to stay in my life that I should have let go of, Mr. M. I dealt with that the best I knew at the time but due to my lack trust in the world and even those closest to me I kept my true feelings towards him a secret and would cast him in the best light at all times.

But a year after being 22 he is no longer a part of my life. I do wish the decision had been mine but all in all no matter if you walk or run you still going over the bridge.  Now that I am 23 I have found a man who loves me and encourages me to be who I am along with my friends.

While I may not be working, or have a car I still have all the love I fought for over the years and if I didn't come out I would still be living at home with next to no friends and most likely with no job and losing my care. So there you have it my reason for being proud of who I am and coming out. Yes in dark times I think about how life is unfair and how things might be if I were straight, what depressed gay person doesn't? All I know is over the past two years I have experiences that shaped me into an undeniably better person and made for some interesting reading on my blog.

Jay Has a Birthday

cake,food,friends,birthday,gay,fun,funny

So the 15 was my best friend’s birthday and he asked for one thing, a surprise. That was in and no particulars. He told me a few of his other friends but it ended up only being our friend Jen and I who handled it all. Jay stayed on top of us to ensure that we were infecting planning some kind of surprise. To be quite honest it was a legitimate request. Jay had had a rough year thus far and with losing some friends being betrayed by others he wanted to know that that there were still some people who honored his friendship.

Jay had told us both that he did not care if only five of his friends came to his door and yelled surprise, he would be happy because it was a surprise. But he did inform me as his best friend I should have something to do with the planning. So I thought long and hard about what all of his friends could do that would not cost too much and would be a lot of fun for us all. I called the gang and told them to start thinking and keep that Saturday clear. As luck would have it Phil could not get off and everyone was pretty much broke, so I thought about how despite the fact that we are in a recession everyone still has money to go out and eat.

So sent out text and got numbers and sent out more text to let everyone know the time and place of Jay’s surprise. The big day came and we were still adding and changing plans. The morning of got up and began to bake my best friend a birthday cake complete with icing and red decorations. Once it was completed the hubby and I drove to Delco and picked up the birthday boy. RJ suggested a blindfold and it just so happened that Jay had a scarf that matched his shoes and the blue bandanna MeTo gave me was out. I had to stall though my assistant was not there yet and our guest ware not seated.

I headed out and we all laughed and talked about how Jay felt like a blind man but were acting like moving his head would assist in him seeing. When we arrived I dropped off the cake and made it know I was upset that my guest had not been seated. But after talking to Jen we decided that yelling surprise outside was a better idea.

So I retrieved Jay from the car and gave a guess as to where we were, Olive Garden, I said no but I did take the most direct way there from his house and it was his favorite restaurant and they were playing music. I positioned him and pulled down his blindfold as 14 of his closest friends’ yelled surprise. He was thrilled to see that it was a really party in his honor and that he meant enough to people that we went out our way to make him happy.

It was truly a good time we ate told jokes, reminisced and caused a ruckus, some of us even learned how to play an Armonica using wine glasses. While two others realized, without a doubt why I did not like Zack Wilson.

The night ended and I and MeTo had a long ride back and he was not feeling too well not to mention I pissed him off a little. So we went on and Jay was so happy and thanked everyone over and over. It was my job as the best friend to make a big fuss out of certain moments and this one was no exceptions.

Most of the crew went out for drinks after and the next day while food shopping I got a call from Jay’s brother asking if Jay’s phone was working. It turned out that the kid had had so much fun the night before he was sleeping like a rock. His mother and brother wanted to deliver his cards but were very happy and very grateful to hear his birthday was truly happy in a year that was not so great.

Is This What I Want?

money,relationships,sex,love,secrets,truth,together,gay,happy,sad,ugle,sexy,honesty.

When confronted in the present about ones past it makes since that they are apprehensive. I heard that somewhere once and it seemed appropriate for my current situation. My past is full of financial irresponsibility, just ask my mother. And the fact that I never had anyone to lecture me about money management until it was too late only led to the problem snowballing.

In fact the snowball has gotten so big that it is constantly there all year long and just when I get to the point of chipping away at it something happens where  I have to let it be and move on to dealing with basic survival.

At one point I was financially stable and did not know it. Yes I had a bad track record but some bad advice from a certain someone on what not to do and no advice on what to do led me to jumping the gun. Needles to say I depended on my mother for a place of refuge until I got things back to where they should be but when I came out of the closet I could no longer depend on her much except the extreme basics to stay alive, ok make that just food.

Things snowballed from there and since then I refused to tell anyone about my finances unless I knew for a fact they could and would make them go away or we were going to get married.

Now I am at a crossroads with Mr. MeTo, I cannot pay my share of the bills only because I have no job. He keeps inquiring about my financial past and current debt. My debt does not affect my paying bills it is simply the reason why I have no savings. But he refuses to support me unless I divulge everything.

I consider the sacrifices I have made for our relationships to be quite hug as it is. I have moved to New Jersey, and I have overlooked his lack of True religious affiliation. If I break this last promise to myself I will become someone that simply is not Vixc B. I could relate if I was asking him to pay bills related to my car including traffic tickets or if I were paying off debt first and then our common bills. But that is not the case and he finds it disrespectful, says I want my cake and to eat it too.

Is this really what relationships are? I have to completely submit on their terms before I am truly ready. As much as it pains me to say it I was never ready for this, it’s what I hopped one day to have but not so soon. I am living a bad case of buying the perfect outfit because it was on sale with nowhere to wear it. What do I do? If I sell it on eBay it will never be mine again and I will find myself searching for the perfect outfit when the time comes or I will have to sacrifice myself and maybe become more of a person I don’t want to be.

I can’t help but wonder is my problem the fact that I am changing who I am or that I am trying to fit into a mold that is not made for me. Playing house husband, baking, cooking, cleaning, being spoiled by a man who claims to love me, is this really what I want? Or do I want to be back in the club scene, hopping from guy to guy, looking on adam4adam for my next date, sleeping with who I want because I want to, late nights drinking and random parties with people who are only my friends for a season. It was fun and sometimes I miss it but that all has to end sometime.

When I came out of the closet I promised myself that I would not become a gay stereotype. I would not be a queen, I would not try any and every drug just to try it and fit in. I would not be self righteous and think I was perfect the way I was. I wanted to be the person I was, just gay. Now I look back to pre-gay Victor and compare him to the now Victor and I still only have half. I have cool friends who live two hours away. I have a terrific boyfriend who seems to want to marry me, but no job and I am flat broke.

To tell MeTo about every part of me, this one in particular, would mean I would lose even more control of my life I would have to deal with things when someone else dose, my past would unnecessarily haunt me. I fought hard to become an independent person only ALLOWING people to help me. Only I having full control over all of me. Quite recently I have been sacrificing who I am or was to be the couple I wanted to be a part of, far too quickly.

I have to maintain who I am, and become the person that I want in my own time.

I think about what I will say to him if I end up moving and I feel as though he doesn’t get me, and if he doesn’t get me will any man? I keep thinking about all the men that claimed they thought I was the one for them and I wonder if they got me? Did they understand my fire, my stubbornness, my independence?  Yet see the fact that with charm, trust, charisma, love and time that any wall I built could be broken.

A friend of mine told me that being ticklish is reflective of one’s lack of trust; there has only ever been one person who could give me a foot rub or touch me without making me laugh. MeTo was getting to that point and I was beginning to feel comfortable enough to tell him what he wanted to know but how can I if every moment I begin to feel comfortable he has an episode and reminds me why I still want to keep parts of me separate.

As the day went on I thought long and hard about it and although disgusted by his ultimatum I tried my best to appear understanding and agreeable. He wants to snuggle and talk to me more but I wanted not to be bothered and he suggested that he leave. Despite my saying it was not necessary we both knew it was and while I was taking a nap he went to hang out with his brother. I knew this from the text I got later.

I then checked my email and saw he wrote me a letter to which I began writing a response but due to my headache I sat to watch Noah Arc the movie which caused me to do more thinking. I thought about all I wanted from life the benefits to tell MeTo about my past and the possible consequences. In the middle of the movie he called and we chatted a bit about what we both were doing and how we were feeling. He emphasized that his main concern was that we worked through things and ultimately stayed together and that he was willing to do what it took to ensure our future together. It was nice to see that this relationship meant more to him than my little secret.

He ended up spending the night with his brother and I went to bed alone, with only my Whinny the Pooh to keep me company, pooh was happy.

The next morning I was awaken by MeTo and I still hadn’t sent my email, for the first time ever in my life I got an apology that was not only heartfelt and meaning full, but it was accompanied by flowers.

We talked and of course made up the way that couples in love do. I still have not sent my email due to the fact of the context and that I realized if this was truly the man I intended on marrying there should be no secrets. While I may be revealing all of myself to someone does not mean I am loosing myself it just means I am finally accepting what real love is and what the balance of remaining who I am while being comfortable with one other person seeing all of me, the good, bad, the ugly and the sexy.

I told him my secret and it brought us closer together and I have no regrets.

 

Going, Going, Wait . . . Gone?

Victor S Bethea II says

Sometimes we get extremely lucky and find a love so perfect that it seems just way to easy to maintain.  Despite the easy and how happy both parties are you never know if the other is just pretending or if he or she has just been letting you do all the work.

It is quite possible that you or your significant other can wake up one day and just not feel it anymore. Whatever the reason it leaves one wondering, where did the love go?

My best friend in South Carolina just experienced this he went to bed and was in a happy relationship, when he woke up he found that he was single and in one of the most disturbing ways, a note left on the bed in the spot where his now ex was sleeping the night before. The explanation was simple yet confusing, “I am just not in love anymore.” Kind of cold considering the only thing keeping him in SC was his boyfriend.

I received a call and text asking that I call when I could. I called thinking it was a big emergency. I was quite shocked to hear that his boyfriend broke up with him. We went through all the questions as to why and did you see it coming. I was further shocked to find that Lou was totally taken by surprised. I must admit Lou can be dense but he can see a break up coming. I then asked based on the nature of the breakup if had a chance to talk to his now supposed ex and the answer was no.

A part of me was excited that with nothing holding Lou in SC he would come back to Philly but at the same time I did want things to work out so I focused on getting him to sit down and talk to him.

Later that day I saw Jay and told him what I had heard and I received another shocker for the day, Jay told me that he missed Lou not the nonsense that he would start but all the same he missed Lou. I gave him Lou’s number figuring that he needed as much support and advice as he could get. Not to mention Jay was in the process of figuring out which friends were keepers and which were looser.  I always felt that Jay and Lou should have stayed friends.

Later that night I get a call from jay and he tells me that he and Lou have quite the conversation and that Lou was going to talk to his ex. We both knew they would get back together. And sure enough the next day when I called Lou, he was no longer single. What happened I am not sure I will ever understand but I know this, love doesn’t disappear overnight.  

HIV p2

HIV,Clubbing,gay,Karaoke,Vixc B,Victor Bethea

After Jayson’s parents arrived we went into the living room and began to chat which was more like a listen to Jayson. What can be said when you have received the news we did. It was silent for awhile until Jay asked everyone to talk and when he got to his mom she apparently said the wrong thing, when she mentioned that the first thing to enter her mind was that he could get the help he needs. Jay was disappointed that he did not get the mother response and his anger rose and was forced to remove himself from the situation.

Once outside I followed him and he vented knowing he needed time to compose himself before he went back.  When we did go back and the conversation turned into trying to get the family back together as it should be.

It was only a matte of time before I was brought in as a mediator. Progress was being made but when you have two people who are exactly alike and nether is hearing the other and refuses to see that. I felt there was progress being made but jay however did not and felt it was pointless so he asked for a ride home and I said no keep at this. He announced he had 2 dollars and would take the bus.

I stayed and tried to allow his mother to vent and try to gain a better understanding of her for my self and to my surprise she was as much the type of person that I figured her to be in my mind. She also admitted to the fact the she saw a lot of herself in Jayson. Progress was being made and jay needed to see it. But we came to a point where we all were at an understanding but in order for anything to work jay would have to be willing and accepting of the fact that it would take time for everyone to understand one another.   

Jay’s parents had to run an errand and I was told to stay. I and Jay’s brother went to play Wii and just as we set things up jay came back in and asked for a ride. So I said good bye and good luck to his quite attractive brother and took him home.

When jay fell asleep from all the stress I went to visit my grand mother and my mother. I told my grandmother and aunt about the news I had gotten but left that out when I went to visit my mother. I arranged for a few of us to take Jay out to take his mind off things and it turned into quite the night.

 

Taking his mind off things.

After making my rounds I went back to jays and told him to be dressed and ready by 8, we were going out. It took some convincing but we decided to go out for dinner at Pizza Hut and then Karaoke at 12th Air, which meant no Phil 12th Air, was 21 and older tonight. We had so much fun just the three of us RJ, Jay and myself. We were ubber  gay then drove to KFC/Taco Bell to wait for Jenn and another friend.

Once at 12th Air we commenced drinking and watched the performances and I realized even more how much I loved and missed hanging out with Jay. He sang two songs and by then I was loose and ready to sing. The DJ came back and said he could not find my song and suggested our whole group sing Proud Mary, so jay and I did. We were more entertaining with our dancing then our singing but the crowed loved us and we loved the attention.

When it’s raining men came one jay and I were back on stage to be backup dancers.  We all then figured we call it a night as most of us had work in the morning.

Once in the car Jay announced that he was meeting Aaron to go to Tom Jones and that I should just spend the night. We met Aaron and caught up just the three of us it was quite the shocker to see the place dead. It used to be such the place to hang out, but due to the smoking ban it was much like every other dinner.

After TJ’s we went to Aaron’s to check out a old computer for Jay so he could get back to writing. When I got back to Jay’s it was almost 4 in the morning and I passed out as soon as I laid down on his couch.

I got up and received poor directions to where we had parked my car the night before and it turned into an hour walk in several circles. I found my car and I got gas, when I gat back in my car I found that my check engine light was no longer lit. the day was going to be average.

I was running on only three hours of sleep but gave it my best. It was Thursday and I had to look forward to my weekend, my and MeTo’s house warming.

An Important Night

His name was Jason. Victor and he had been talking for more than 6 months by June after his 21st birthday. It was fitting that they finally met. Victor talked to Jason on a regular basis since he moved back in with his mother and felt that he was really getting to know him and from what Victor knew he liked Jason a lot.

One day victor decided to make his house calls and visit his family. While at his aunts house he called Jason to see what he was doing and if tonight would be a good night to meet.

Jason recently was convicted of a DUI and had no license so he and a few of his friends were going to a local bar called Raven in New Hope Pennsylvania. Victor reminded Jason that he had a car and was willing to drive. And drive victor did 50 min from his current location to meet not only Jason but his friends.

Once at the bar victor called Jason and looked around. He immediately felt out of place when he noticed he got a few stares. Jason grabbed him and pulled him over to where his fiends were and the normal round of “hi my name is,” began. It took a little while for Victor to realize that the bar was infect a gay bar, and that was why he got the stares.

Victor could not help but flirt with Jason’s friend Rich. Rich started it and Victor loved the attention. Yet Victor tried to keep it to a minimum as he came to see Jason who did not seam to look all to interested. The conversation carried on and the jokes were tossed and laughter rang out, the sound that indicated the night and summer were just beginning.

While laughing and using body language to flirt a gentlemen came over to introduce himself. A blond haired fellow of about five foot ten, found the perfect break in conversation to say “Hi my name is Mike and my friend over there really thinks your cute and we were wondering if it's OK with your friends if we bought you a drink and you come over to chat a little bit.”

Victor gave a look at the group and they encouraged him with their looks of approval to go on. What perfect timing, Victor had just finished his kamikaze and the buzz was at its peak, a feeling that Victor had recently come to enjoy.

Victor sat down next to Mike’s friend who looked to be nervous as all hell and the round of “hi my name is,” commenced once more. To get the ball rolling the quest “Where are you from?” was asked. And when Victor saw that the guy he was brought over to meet was fidgeting and quiet he tried to get him to speak.

“So M, where are you from?” At once he noticed that no one lived locally except Mike but even he was a good rid away. While Victor found M’s fidgeting charming his friends kept telling him to sit still.

M left to go to the bathroom and came back less than a min latter to tell everyone that he couldn't because someone was staring at him. A few minuets Victor had to go and M Suggested that Victor go across the street to their motel’s bathroom. A little alarmed but self assured he went. On the walk over M began to open up. They made small talk and exchanged phone numbers. In the Motel room they did not as much as stand with in 3 feet of each other.

Victor found himself to be little torn as he liked Jason but was unsure how far this was going to go with M. He knew a kiss would be as far as it could go but was this kiss going to happen with Jason or M?