The art of "Talking"

dirty talk,sex talk,sex,gay sex,talking,party,sex party

As one would have it, holding a conversation is not a casual thing. There are times we are forced into having a conversation. Such as when we meet someone new that we find to be dull, or when we are forced to be the only person left in the room with that family member we do not like, that insist upon asking about school, or work. We all have moments that we just wish we could be somewhere else or with someone else.

Then there are those conversations that we must have with our significant other. We talk about money, the future, what we want for dinner, or plan to do something when we are bored. Many times in a healthy relationship we will find that, that conversation can lead to sex and how it does is more than interesting.

Some guys will use dirty talk as a segue to the main event or events if you’re lucky. While sometimes dirty talk can be just that, the main event. The art of dirty talk seems to be one that is fallen by the way side. I used to be good at it, I could use my words to get both men and women off, but like with most skills it’s a matter of using it or losing it.

Dirty talk is a very complicated thing, which artfully displayed in SATC episode 202. We see Miranda persuaded to get into dirty talk by her boyfriend. She gets into it but when she says the wrong thing her mans leaves her, single again. It makes people wonder what some good sex talk tactics are. Most of us live in a world where avoiding the bad three, is so old school. At dinner parties we love it when the ice is broken and we can all talk about Sex, Politics and religion. When we add convo about contraband and alcohol it really becomes a party. We enjoy talking and hearing about each others’ sexcapades. It’s in the joy of these moments that we learn a lot about the person we are currently sleeping with. Sometimes it’s exciting while other times it’s a little shocking.

“You did what? With who? When?” the questions and the conversation is no longer simple, we have to pay attention to our partners tone and inflection on every word of the story to figure out if what they did was a fun experience or a nightmare. Once you have figured out which stories are good and which are bad, and when you know how they feel about your stories you can now mix it up.

You can try the things you both had an interest in but never actually introduced to the bedroom because you just did not see the other as that freaky. Then you can insinuate with your dirty talk what you are willing to try. Never just come out and say, “I wanna handcuff you to the bed and eat whipped cream off you, like your ex did.” And even if you leave off the, “like your ex did,” the conversation could bring back the night that you had the conversation and they then will think about the ex, and shit just got a whole lot more complicated.

Instead you can say, “I wanna tie you up and lick you all over.” They will really have to stretch their mind to get the, “Like your ex did.” As the conversation continues you can add elements like cherries or strawberries which will lead to the whipped cream.

The goal is to leave your partner wanting to hear your next line. If they can’t think of anything to say they should be able to say, “Oh yes and then what.” Then if you lead it with a “You start doing (whatever)” it should not be long before you dirty talk leads to sex, if that’s the goal, or you can end your conversation by changing the subject.

Dirty talk is fun and it helps you to not only work on your communication skills but also your creativity. I guess I still got it. Typically MeTo and I just call each other names during sex not too much dirty talk, but to each his own and if you like it I love it.  

My BFF has HIV.

Fags and Drama. Again!

What is it that makes gay men and drama go hand and hand? I honestly cannot stand it anymore. My best friend Jay and I have had some issues and we never have made a big deal out of it. It was always “let’s get over this ASAP so we can go back to having fun.” Why doesn't the rest of the Gay world work this way?

Mr. MeTo and I are in love and we hate to deal with drama. We learned how to talk not argue we are now going on ten months and have only had one fight several disagreements but only one fight and the fight and make up took about two hours.

So I have 4 gay best friends, a boy friend a mother who disapproves on of me being gay and then all my other family members. Out of all those people none of them give me as much drama as the people I simply chat with every now and then. I am constantly giving advice on issues that simply are not advice worthy, and they pick fight with me over the dumbest of things. When I try to correct the issue instead of being direct or answering yeas or no questions with a yes or no they rather beat around the bush and prolong the dramatic discussion to the point where I say, “Fuck it, when your over it let me know.” I have no room for drama.

I can’t help but find it fascinating. I am friend with people who have next to no money, don’t get along with family members, are struggling with school, constantly going through guys and it the people who could easily be happy that run down my text messaging, run down y monthly minutes, light up mu aim and msn with stupid shit. And to top it all off when I ask them for advice they don’t know shit.

So this is dedicated to all the Drama Fags. I don’t have time or energy, when your done with the bull call me but until then. I’m busy with being a grown up.

No Cross Dressing Allowed!

Most recently I read an article about a how an all male college has cracked down on cross dressing. The article was a nice short read that was written from an unbiased perspective. The article gave the facts and spoke briefly of how some of the parties involved fell about it.

I have to admit having gone to an all male high school there are certain things that people expect of the graduates. I remember my freshmen year and seeing how many of the students bent the rules, wearing pajama pants to school because a belt was not part of the dress code. I enjoyed having a dress code. Many of my friends went to schools where they had a uniform and many of them liked it just as much if not more.

One of the joys in having a dress code is that it creates a uniform atmosphere without making it look or feel plain or unordinary. I was able to match my shirts with my paints how I saw fit and could use my ties and blisters to express myself. All the student body either did not mind or enjoyed the dress code as it allowed room for individuality and made getting dressed in the morning easier.

The pluses to having a dress code clearly outweigh the negatives for both the individual student, the entire student body and all school employees.

Now this private all male institution put a ban on Cross dressing while on campus and at college sponsored events. I cannot really have qualm with this ban as when one has made the choice to be in an all male environment  it is safe to express one’s self but within reasonable means. Cross dressing is something that makes even gay men uncomfortable at times. In a world where homosexuality is being slowly accepted it is necessary to show that we are not different from others. To many times people take things to the extreme and it creates controversy and misunderstandings.

A gay man starts to wear dresses every chance he gets, he is representing the gay community some people who never have contact with a homosexual until this have only one real impression of being gay. Now this same person has a family member who decides to come out of the closet. Their only idea of a gay man is not a positive one and all they can see is how this person is going to be “Different” and have trouble in life.

I am not saying that ignorance is an excuse to be intolerable of anything but when you have people constantly casting negative light on something and being a poor representative, all future parties must be understanding of this.

The women rights movement worked hard at trying to prove that women are equal to men it took years and is still fighting to move forward but if a woman decides to preach that a wife’s place is in the kitchen like the old stereotype says then the movement is set back. Now if a gay man decides to flaunt the fact that he is not only gay but likes the fact that he fits into the traditional stereotype of what a homosexual man is  we can not be angry that it is taking time for homosexuals to be accepted completely into society.

There is nothing wrong with a man preaching, “Men should act like men.” It’s not sexist if he is willing to be friend a homosexual.  I know that some guys cannot help but act feminine it’s their nature and even they are being accepted but to mix cross dressers and transsexuals in with ordinary people who are gay is not fair and to act the world to do so is wrong.

Society has dictated gender rolls and while man and woman has been amended to include equal right and homosexuality, the gender of a guy who acts like a female and dresses like a female fits into the category of if “if it looks like a duck and it acts like a duck.”

And if a man wants to live as a female why should he be afforded the same privileges of both sexes? All male schools should remain all male schools. All Female schools should remain all female. By mixing in people who are in the middle mental and allowing them to act as in the middle individuals despite the reasons that single gender institutions exist.

Now this ban dose not infringe on ones freedom of speech, expression, or individuality. As these young men are still allowed to pick what they where and discuss issues that they want to when it is appropriate. Every day in the real world we all deal with the restrictions that are put on basic human rights so that we and those that we are around are protected.

I am a gay man who supports this as this ban has been put in place to create a higher standard of excellence in all its students, the reputation of the school and the dose not infringe greatly on the basic human rights of each student.  Not to mention if any student doesn't like it they do not have to attend that school as it is not a public institution.

While some people may disagree with me, think long and hard about what has really happened and is it a really something worth fighting over?

Now Thats Crazy

About a week ago I promised to blog about a string of crazy dreams that ended with one that was so crazy I had to tweet about it.

For some strange reason the idea of going back to high school has been haunting my dreams. I have had many dreams where I have decided to go back not just to high school in general but the Prep where I went for three out of my four years.  To be completely honest I hated High School I was that popular kid that everyone liked and most days I just wanted to fly under the radar.

Many of these dreams involve me going back to finish my last year, either because my other school’s diploma didn’t count or I just wanted a prep degree. To top all of this off I have been thinking about my Latin teacher from my freshman year, I had bumped into her a little over a year ago when I was working at Home Depot. I could not remember her pre marriage name which she insisted to be addressed by, but I was one of the few who could pronounce her new name correctly and that is all I can remember. 

In the dream I am attending school at the prep and I am pregnant. I am a pregnant man. Everyone knows I am a man and I act like a gy yet I have long hair and a huge stomach. At some point in the dream I am walking through the park and I am hit over the head, the next thing I know I am sting in Latian class and not feeling so well. My teacher insist that I go see the nurse but I refuse and tell her I am fine, I then go on about my day and everyone keeps asking if I am fine, my head felt ok but my ass was another story.

My ass was hurting and towards the end of class it had started bleeding. Now mind you everyone in this story knows that I am a guy even myself, I mean I still have a penis I am just pregers like Arnold in the movie Junior. My teacher sees me latter and asked if I went to the nurse and I told her no. I go on to bumb into the drug and alcohol counselor, who I am friend with and she ask if I am feeling well. For some reason I decide to tell her the events of my day and as I start doing so my ass starts bleeding again and she puts it all together and decides that I was rapped and need to go to the hospital for a rap kit.

All the while I find it odd how no one is really concerned for the baby and just my well being. I tell the counselor that I will be fine and just have to use the rest room. On my way I see my Latin teacher and she informs me she heard what happened and she called the police.  

To prevent going through what I think is going to be and episode of Law and order SVU I wake up. I have no idea what this dream means if anything but it was strange to say the least. It was one of those dreams where I kept waking up but every time I went back to sleep it picked up where I left off.

Hey Check This Out

Hey guys here is a cool link to check out. I will be adding them to the Permanint links once we do a redesign due to the fact I am Adding Video to "The indigo Life."

Royalty Free Music and Sound Effects Download the music and sound effects you need for your multimedia project today at Partners In Rhyme.

So Sad, Dont walk on strange streets.

Dont be what you eat.

Recently I found out that without a doubt my best friend from high school is not only gay but a total ass hole. While it seems odd to me because he was such a nice guy back then, he has totally cut all of his friends in the greater Philadelphia area off. Yesterday when I went to check my A4A account, I have it only to make friends; I noticed that I was set to the Philadelphia view. In the last frame I saw a picture that looked quite familiar so I clicked on it. Much to my surprise but no shock it was a family member of my mother’s side of the family. I had seen this person in the club and yet at family functions he has been a total ass hole not only to me but many other family members. I am out to all my family and I am very big in the Philadelphia gay social scene. One would think that if you have a secret you would befriend the only person who can blow the whistle on you. For those of you who are curious as to who this person is simply go back and read the violet blog, no surprise it’s him.

I don’t understand this way of thinking, people come out of the closet and decide to be total ass holes to the very people that will love and support them no matter what. I have had to deal with many of my mother’s family members judging me and feeling like my life is falling further and further away because many don’t approve, and this whole time one person could have been there making it a little easier but chose not to. I will admit I should feel some kind of pain but I am over it. I now have one up on this person and while my best friend used to be a great guy, to the gay community of Philadelphia he is known as an ass hole and that is not a good way to come out the closet. And as for my cousin he will not know true happiness until he accepts what he is and stops lurking in the shadows.

Homosexuals VS. Christianity

God,Christianity,homosexuals,converting,love,life,gay,pride 2009,OutFest 2009,compassion,peace,Jesus,Christ,G-d,voting,legislature,USA,United States,Human Rights,marriage

I find it extremely astonishing how Christians have been charged with spreading the word of Christ to all the world, Christians were given instructions as to how to do it by not just words but by examples. Christ went and ate with the criminals of his time; he showed love and compassion to the tax collector, the prostitute and all others who chose a life that did not conform to the laws of Judaism or the land. He went to those who he saw needed his love and brought them unto him by giving them compassion and showing them that he cares. He did not stand at a distance shouting that they need to change or burn in hell he did not disturb their parties or rituals no matter how bad he felt them to be.

Nowhere in the New Testament do we see Christ using angry words, insults, fear, or picketing to convert what one may call the wicked. He said that he came not just to deliver the world from sin but to give us examples as to how we should live our lives and love one another. Christ Shook hands and hugged the ungodly even before they accepted him. He is G-d and is the one who makes final judgment on all souls before they enter into the kingdom of heaven.

If one calls himself a Christian and refuses to associate with those who are not, he is making a choice not to fulfill his job assigned to him by Christ. If a person chooses to be a Christian and decides never to spread the word of G-d he is choosing not to fulfill his task assigned to him by Christ. Christians are called to spread the word of G-d to all people the way that Christ did while he was on earth. If you are a good Christian there is only one thing you need to do. Examine yourself, Do you share the word of G-d every chance you get. If you do share the word of G-d do you use fear and force or do you come as a person with love to share unthreatening and compassionate manner. If you can honestly say you share the word of G-d with only love and you share with everyone that you can share it with, you may call yourself a Christian.

History is peppered with people using Christ as an excuse to torture, murder, segregate, exterminate, and judge other people. If we take the word of G-d to someone and they choose not to accept then we have done our job. If we take the word of G-d to someone and they choose to accept then we rejoice and educate them on where to find the necessary resources to grow and become closer to G-d. G-D will touch their hearts and ask them to remove what he sees as unfit and damaging.

So many people call themselves doing the work of G-d to the extent that they go to far. The start judging, trying to force others to be like them. in doing so they mess up the very thing that they tried to get done in the first place. In order for G-d to work the way he wants to we must learn to recognize where our job is done and where it is time for G-d to intervene himself of send someone else.

I write this because after attending Pride and OutFest, I thought about how people were trying to “convert” the homosexuals. They addressed them, as living wrong, everyone shut down went into defensive mode, defending their lifestyle. There were no Christians just talking about the love of Christ and how accepting him can make your life better, It was all fire and brimstone. If this is how Christians plan to bring others to Christ then that explains why so many people are turned off by “religion”. People are still using taking the bible today, after all that history has shown us, and using it to push their own agendas.

I want to close with this. No matter how firm you stand in your religion and no matter how wrong it taught you to believe something is, this is the United States of America where there is separation of church and state, to prevent one religion from denying rights to the people of another. If your reason ageist gay marriage is religion based you need to stand down. I bet you can look into any religion and find reason to revoke the rights of anyone. It’s not faire to pass legislature based on religion and it’s not faire to vote on based only on religion.  

 

"The Indigo Life" is going Video

Only SEPTA - I Love Philadelphia

I got a shout out, This guy is too Funnie

Blog Entry dated 10/13/2009 1:31 AM

New Fav Song

Animals
By :Coldplay

Animals we are,
Disposable
Collapsible and raw
In you go,
Into some crowded room
Animals climb
and I'm climbin' over you
Until you say
"Off you go, off you go"

Animal I am
ad I'm lookin for an answer just like you
But I should know which way
to turn

Animal that runs
and I ran away from you
Because I'm scared
"Off you go, off you go"
(And you say)

If you're gonna go, go now
If you're gonna go, go now
I forgot to tell you how
so If you gonna go, go now

Animal you are,
Disposable, defenceless,
Yes I am
Watch your mouth,
Always watch your mouth,

Animal that runs
I made up my excuses
To you
And I missed my chance
By a stone's throw

If you're gonna go, go now
If you're gonna go, go now
I forgot to tell you how
so If you gonna go
Go now
Go now
Go now

I crumble,
Crumble and fall,
Crumble and fall,
Like an animal,

I crumble,
Crumble and fall,
Crumble and fall,
Like an animal,
(Yes I)

Crumble,
Crumble and fall,
Crumble and fall,
Like an animal,
(Yes I)

Crumble,
Crumble and fall,
Crumble and fall,
Like an animal

Growing UP

This past weekend I went to upstate NY with MeTo and his parents. It was a very relaxing weekend. MeTo and I had been dealing with our own issues and they were getting the best of us. We had fun and I did manage to get some writing other than my blogs done.

Saturday night we all decided to have a bond fire. While sitting around the fire we were joking and talking about all kinds of things, mainly the weather as it sounded like rain but there was a clear sky and no wind, yet it was still chilly.

When I went to put my feet closer to the fire I realized my footwear and a similar instance near a campfire and my boats. Over a year ago a friend of mine set fire to the front of my boats while I was talking to the person next to me. It was funny as it was only lighter fluid and not the actual boat that was on fire, pulse the fact that we were all drinking only made the situation funnier. I shared the story with the group and I then realized.

For quite awhile I had been hoping to relive the crazy days or before when there were crazy nights with no agenda but loads of fun, drinking and hilarious incidents that we would talk about for months to come.

In an instant it all hit me. I saw how things had not changed instantly but gradually over the past two years. I saw and realized that we were not deciding to change but we were growing up. The whole group has gotten more mature, some are finished college and working, some have serious girlfriends, some have decided they might be gay, and some have even been to prison. Our lives consist of more than just trying to get drunk. I know that we will eventually have a night or two when we party all night but it will never be the same. When you grow up you and your friends change if you make it past the just party stage then you will enjoy watching how you all change and grow.

I now have what some of my friends call a home life. I have an extremely serious boyfriend and a life that is intertwined with his. I am happy and cant help but brag about how great a person he is. I even find myself constantly on the lookout to get my friends connected. I watch as all these people that I used to party with are getting the grown up lives that we all knew one day would come and I am happy for them. While I do miss the old times and how we used to hang frequently, it does make the few times we get together now and reminisce while making new memories all the greater.

New Profile - About ME

Back in 2007 I came out of the closet and found my new life to be riddled with many difficult issues. All the friends that I hung out with on a regular basses I worked with, were significantly older than I was, and straight. Although I had received lots of support from my friends, none of them could really relate to me. I began to look to my boyfriend at the time, Mr. M for support but he was far from supportive. He ended up braking up with me after five weeks due to issues you can read about in The Indigo Life. I didn’t know it at the time but time to be single was exactly what I needed.

I began going to the clubs and learning what the gay stereotypical gay scene was like. It was boost to my self-esteem as I got hit on a lot and realized I liked to dance in clubs. It was not before long that I began making friends.

Shortly after Mr. M and I split I was invited to the birthday party of a friend’s friend. It was amazing how fast we hit things off dancing in the club and I was fitting right in and we all exchanged numbers, before long my friend’s friend was my best friend Jay. For almost a year we did everything together and we opened up to each other in ways I had longed to do with another person my entire life.

Through Jay I met his exes Phil and Lou and while Phil did not like me at first it was not long before we were hanging out on our own. I had dated Lou after Jay did for about two weeks it was after that that we decided we made better friends.

As for my friend Tia, our token lesbian, Jay has known her since he was two and she is a totally awesome person, we are close but with time we will get closer.

There were friends I gained and lost along the way and there while there was a falling out with my longest friend we are in the process of reconciliation.

Back in 2008 I came up with a new concept for my blog and how I look at the gay life. I was tired of overly feminine colors and the stereotypes that get associated with anything gay. I realized that the “Gay Life” is something that is constantly misunderstood by Hetero- and Homo- sexuals alike. But I still wanted my blog to have a gay theme and stand out from the others. After giving it some thought I realized that the color indigo is quite a misunderstood color, many people thinking that it’s a shade of blue or a shade of purple when in fact it is its own color having four separate shades.  It also happened to be the only color not on the gay flag and I hate that rainbow symbol. So I titled my blog The Indigo Life in attempt to help others to see what the real gay life is about.

I now live in New Brunswick NJ with my Boyfriend that I refer to as Mr. MeTo. I am in love and while being single for two years gave me a lot to write about in regards to finding love and keeping friends. Being in a relationship is giving me a lot to write about as far as growing up and balancing all that life gives you.

If you wish to know anything else or have questions simply ask or check out my blog I guarantee that all the answers you’re searching for are in there.

Moving for love

Moving for love

The act of moving for the sole purpose to be closer to your boyfriend or girlfriend is an act that no one person can agree on as weather a wise move or a bad move.

I had a chat with a friend of my aunt’s and while he supports anyone for up routing their life for someone else she and I were agents it. Sure he explained that while you’re young it’s all fine and dandy but the older you get the less you can afford to make such an error. The discussion ended up being about two coinciding issues but for the sake of keeping things simple I will just continue with my original topic in solidarity.

One of my best friends which I talk about from time to time has recently moved back to Philadelphia because things between him and his boyfriend did not work out in South Carolina. I had kept my opinion to myself about his decision to move but once he was back home I refused to bite my tong and told him that he moved for the wrong reason. I was not alone in my thinking.

When I moved to New York I received support because the reason for doing so was me. I moved because I wanted to move and start my own life there. It may seem a little hypocritical of me as my reason for moving to New Brunswick New Jersey was Mr. MeTo, there is no way I would have moved here on my own. There is a big difference in my case however. When I moved I was only 50min from my job and I was spending most of my time in NB, New Brunswick for short, anyway. I gave nothing up. My life remained the same and I had easy access to my friends. I even made arrangements so that if the relationship did in fact go south I would not have to move.   

I am in support of anyone who moves within a reasonable distance for love, so long as all that they are used to is not too far away.

I am agents anyone who moves such a distance that they have to change jobs and going to see friends and family has to be a planned several days to a few weeks in advanced. A move such as this requires a change in lifestyle. A move such as this should only be done for someone you are married to where it can be seen as an honest investment in one’s future. To do it for a boyfriend could be proved to be a waste of time and money.

When Lou moved to South Carolina as his friend I had to be supportive and hope and pray that the move would prove to work in his favor. It did not though and a good test to see that the move was a bad idea to begin with is when the relationship went south he had no choice but to move back north. There are things that one can do to make such a move worth it. If my friend had went down and saw the area and decided that he wanted to move, good idea, If he got a job and decided to move good idea or even if the reason for moving was his boyfriend, if had saw to it that he was going to be dependent on himself to survive and if the relationship would end that he would be happy to keep his new life then it would have been a good idea.

To think about how one must feel after they make such a sacrifice and realize that it was done not for them is enough to prove that it was not worth it.

I am all for love and the pursuit of it but all in all if after every sacrifice you make for love you can’t honestly say you would do it all over then it was not a sacrifice, but rather just another dumb mistake.

So Thats September

Life is getting ever so complicated, just a quick blurb to bring everyone up to speed. MeTo has decided to get back in touch with his religious side and just in time, as September contains two of the most holy of holidays in the Jewish faith. I have been alongside him every step of the way and quite supportive and it is leading me to get closer to God in my Christian faith.

September also happens to be my busiest month, as far as birthdays go. As I have said before I love my Virgos. So there was a trip to Philly to celebrate the 15th and a card was sent to celebrate my grandmother’s 70th birthday. Then the 19th which would have been MeTo’s birthday party turned out to be Rosh Hashanah, so instead we had a big dinner with his immediate family and I covered desert and the Challah, MeTo did lamb chops and roasted vegetables and Mom made matzo ball soup and Kasha Varnishkes. It was Jewish feast.

The day after was MeTo’s actual birthday and we spent the day in the big apple. His parents got him two tickets to Wicked and I truly enjoyed it. It required some digesting for MeTo but he came around. We then had real New York pizza and enjoyed central park and the sites that make the big apple what it is.

I went to my first Jewish religious ceremony on a Friday and the next day I threw MeTo a great party. 12 of his friends showed and we ate and danced and sang. We both had a wonderful time.

Sunday started Yom Kippur and I made a big meal of collard greens, candy yams, fried chicken, and collie flower for our pre-fast meal. Then in the early afternoon we went to services at the temple. I was really getting into the Jewish faith. Our breakfast was with mom and I found out some disturbing information about the New York City public school system.

That was the gist of my September and I hope to have greater details for you soon. So keep checking to see what’s new.

Blog Entry dated 9/15/2009

So today is my sister’s birthday and I am on my way to Philly. It’s kind of funny how I can relate my life more to SATC than Noah arc and I am a gay black man and not a rich middle aged white woman. They reason I say this is because my heart lies in Philadelphia and I moved away to be closer to the man I love. Much like Samantha did for smith. And the longer I am in New Brunswick the more I am finding excuses to get back to Philly. It’s not that I am unhappy with new Brunswick or the relationship I am in its just that I know Philly and can’t help but allow myself to get drawn back to the place I love, the one place that will always be home no matter how long I am gone.

So today’s excuse is a double birthday. As I have said before I love my verges and not only do I date them I am related to several. My sister’s birthday starts of the string of verge birthdays with a bang as she shares it with my other mother Brenda. So I talked to MeTo and he agreed that I should go and visit. So off I am going.

Naturally I called every member of my crew to inform them of my arrival and good thing I did as I now will get picked up from 30th St train station and not have to take septa.

The 15th is also a day of reflection. It’s an odd time in my life where many ends meet many beginnings. I tend to make and loose friends in September I tend to get a good view of the direction my life is going to for the rest of the year and while things look grim I am waiting and hoping to see signs of good things coming my way. It is kind of a coincidence. The most important of the Jewish holidays take place in September on of which makers the Jewish New Year. How fitting that September has always been the beginning of good new things for me.

Now I can’t help but think about how many times I typically would think about the future on my sister’s birthday. Asking myself would she be rich, find a nice guy, how many kids might she have and how would all of this effect birthdays in the future. Now I think about how birthdays past were so much simpler, a cake and a present would mean the world and now it’s become mediocre and something to avoid.

Anyone that he seen my sister interact, whether it be on the phone or in person know we absolutely love each other and would do all in our power to see the other happy. And now it’s not as simple. When you young you live with your sister and think nothing will drag you apart and then you both start to grow up and move to different places. You start to date and quality time is hard to come by. But we know that nothing can change our memories we share and the inside jokes that no matter how hard we try no one else understand.

The love of two siblings like my sister’s and mine cannot be tarnished. In our teen years we have done some crappy things to one another and while we know they were crappy we barely remember what they were as we have no reason to. If there is any person you can apply forgive and forget to it should be you siblings. If they truly love you each time they hurt you will hurt them more and no one likes hurting themselves.

Few people I trust with my life and darkest secrets but she is one. So for my sister being the epitome of an awesome little sister despite she ain’t so little any more I wish her a happy birthday, our teen years are officially behind us.

Happy People Life and Thier Counter Part.

What can be said about life and all the things in it? Compared to the span of the universe it is only a vapor if that, and yet all the moments in it, are so monumental. We celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, job promotions and events that we know we will only get to see one time. Many times we look for excuses to celebrate. We put emphasis on things that are mundane or common place so we can spend money and be merry. Not that this is a bad thing but it almost is proof that life is viewed as not worth living if you have no reason to celebrate.

It is for this reason we try our best in life and look for affirmation. It is getting this assertion from others that we can justify merriment. We are born and enjoy the fuss we get from our birthday and Christmas that when we see that mom and dad calibrate an accomplishment such as having a good report card or graduating, with a party we are overjoyed and strive to fill our lives with such accomplishments. We then begin to gain friends and age and realize we can provide our own calibrations and put emphasis on new year’s and other people’s birthdays. This list of scenarios goes on and on.

Ultimately we have kids and we celebrate their accomplishment with them and the cycle is set to continue.   We also learn that without the bad one cannot appreciate the good. Some have learned this lesson so well they go as far as to cause drama in their lives to make the smallest of good fortune seem extreme.  How am I so familiar with such a topic? If you read previous blogs you can see that people like the above mentioned pepper my life.

I am able to put everyone in my life into categories and two of those categories are Drama people and happy people.

The happy people are thy type I like to associate myself with people like Phil and Jason. The type of people who just want to be happy and be around happy people and when unnecessary drama is brought in our life there is only one option, cut it out.  For most of my gay life that is how things have been me and my happy friends living a life that is naturally drama filled. I can’t help but wonder about all the other gays I have met that seems not to only be followed by drama but they welcome it and are always in the search of more. I watch how people I know turn down a perfectly healthy relationship that is filled with good moments and receives the blessings of friends for one that is stressful, full of arguments and several moments of broken hearts.

I recently realized that a person I was in love with for quite some time was one of these drama people and the only reason I was kept in the mix was to assist in bringing the drama. Everyone I knew told me that this was an unhealthy relationship but my heart wanted what my heart wanted. Then when I finally was part of a relationship that was healthy and happy, I saw clearly.  I saw all the drama he liked to bring to his life and all the happiness I had. I saw the relationship I wanted him to have with him I was in with someone who clearly wanted it and while he stressed about how offal things were with his I could not believe how great mine was.

A part of me dreamed that things would fall apart for him and that he would see what he could have had but how could he, I was in a normal relationship which he said he wanted but not what his heart or head really wanted.

So while I did get half my wish, which also stems from the fact he brook my heart I can’t help but still keep my distance. My heart has grown and gained knowledge. I want to be happy and live a normal life with friends who are just as if not more happy than I.

So in conclusion happy know drama and don’t want it in their lives and they want moments to celebrate themselves as well as friends. Their counter parts like to celebrate drama and welcome dram in their lives. The only way for any of the above mentioned to change is to accept that they are who they are and live life recognizing that they do things because of the type of person they are. Once that major step is completed they can start to make active decisions that will help lead them in the other direction. Although I can’t see why any happy person would actively choose to be a drama queen.

Nothing New

Life is an interesting thing; you have your great loves, amazing moments, epiphanies, your best friends who last a life time, and the friends who last for only what seems like a day. You have the times you learn and the times you teach, the times that seem like you’re wasting your life and the ones that seem like you will just live forever. Life is full of all kinds of things but in the end for many it is the same, weather your gay or straight, black or white, Christian or atheist, it all ends and we try in vain to get the most out of it and make it last as long as possible.

It seems like a shame to waste time worrying over small things considering you are only awake for two thirds of your life and only about half of that is used to carry out non survival functions such as eating and going to the bathroom. So there you have it we only live a third of our life, the rest is consumed with bodily functions and sleep.

Many of our other functions are controlled not by need but emotions and with our heart being second in command only after our ass, (“The Ass is King” coming soon) it makes total since that what affects the heart will affect the rest of us.

I recently quite my new job for completely good reasons and it was something MeTo and i discussed before I went through with it. I took the rest of yesterday to unwind and relax. Then this morning I jumped into house husband mode. I made my hubby a nice breakfast and then began cleaning and even tried my hand at bread pudding.

I was shocked to see that just like our apartment my life was getting just as organized. For the first time in my life everything was beginning to have a place and knew where everything I owned was. It was a great feeling and t keep with the trend I made reservations to organize the files on my computer and delete unnecessary ones so that I would have room. It was a great day MeTo and our roommate Christian went to Hometown Buffet and although it was not a great place I did eat well.

When I went to bed things were looking up and up except with my life falling into order, I honestly had lots to think about. MeTo has told me that I should bite the bullet and allow him to help me out of debt. I also recently found out that my ex and his boyfriend brook up in the way that his friends all predicted they would. MeTo’s ex made it clear that he wanted him back. I recently lost my car which made job hunting difficult and with my mother knowing about my car and job situation I am being encouraged to move back home.

So my current situation is I live approximately 2 hours from my friends and family, with my boyfriend and two other roommates.. my boyfriends in not only a good on paper guy he is a good guy period all my friends love him and we are talking marriage, so allowing him to help me financially makes perfect since in the interest of our future. There is just one thing.

In every fantasy I had about someone rescuing me from my debt, my hero was never there long. He would come in get close rescue me, we would have a few laughs and then we would both be on to someone new. I would live my new life without debt and he would always be a happy memory, then there were the fantasies’ where my hero would rescue me from my debt but was not the good on paper guy. Sure he had a bank account and a good job but he was the bad boy type and I was the only one who knew the way to his heart.  I never saw myself with a wonderful guy like the one I have, I also never could see myself with someone that could do better.  The truth of the matter I have gotten a lot out of this relationship. I have gotten all that a “boyfriend” could get and he is offering more in hopes that we are going to have an extensive future together. So I should be rapturous right? But I am not I am nervous and scared. I have had three great loves in my life ad two of them hurt me shoddily.

Can I allow someone to invest in my life and there not really be any contract? Is the life that I am being offered really what I want? If it is then why do I keep thinking about Mr. M? Am I really ready for a real adult relationship? Have I reached that level of emotional maturity?

I can’t help but wonder about all the different paths my life could have taken. Meeting Mr. M has not improved my life at all. Becoming best friend with Neal was a good move but should we have been more and is that what he really wanted and the reason why we are no longer friends? No matter what I do I keep comparing my three great loves Neal Mr. M and MeTo.

Since the moment I had fallen for MeTo I have been looking for excuses to break up with him. We had moments where I would wonder, “is this my out?” and each time the answer was no. but in a relationship shouldn’t you be excited about taking the next step, and shouldn’t you be sure that the one is the one. I have said I was sure I have felt I was sure but now I just don’t know. I think back to my favorite TV shows SATC, Noah’s ARC, QAF and wonder is MeTo my Aiden is MeTo this perfect guy that is not meant to really be mine, or is he my Trey loyal despite my flaws or Ben my sweet heart protector, is Mr. M my Mr. Big? Then I remember that life doesn't always work like TV things are not always certain. We play games and fight wars without a script or predetermined ending.  

I know not the number of my days or my destiny. I can only ever know what I want and work towards that. I always remind myself that the heart wants what the heart wants and while whatever will be I have to continue to live for me.

Life is a movie theater with each movie only showing once and many not running simultaneously. You can choose to watch one or two movies to the end or hop from theater to theater looking for the perfect movie until you end up back where you started and realize you never got to see an end.

I am at the point where I can choose to move on or watch this movie to the end. I have to be prepared that this may be the only movie I get to see. Or I can go theater hopping in search for a different one.

My life was once full of parties and club nights, my friends and the quest for a real boyfriend and a decent job. I have the boyfriend but I no longer have the crazy nights. My heart no longer beats to the thump a thump a of Woody’s but the sound track to the rest of my life whatever that maybe.  

Last Time At Woody's

So as you are well aware that it has been some time since I have gone to Woody’s on my own accord. I figured with MeTo going out of town on a conference and with my entire family wanting to see me and I missing all my friends that I would come to Philly for a short visit.

As a matter of fact I got a call from Jaz telling asking me what I was doing Wednesday, she was on her way to Philly and wanted to go to Woody’s , and with Louis coming home on Thursday I figured no than Wednesday to come home and go out with my friends.

Needles to say Jaz canceled on me, Phil had school the next day and Lou had no money. I found admission for Lou and so he was going to come. So there it was going to me, Jay, Lou and most likely Tia. I had not sent her a text as I expected Jay to tell her. And I was right the two of them picked me up from 30th street station around 10:30 and it was off to the club, then to my surprise jay says, “ Oh my god I forgot Phil.” I was thrilled Phil was going to come, it was a night with all my best friends minus RJ.

After picking up Phil we drove back to the parking lot and to our surprise Ramon and his roommate Jeff we standing outside with a couple of their friends. We chatted for a bit, I really had no interest in reconnecting as Ramon was a guy who toyed with my heart then called me a friend but would not keep in touch.  So we were off to the club.

It was nice similar old times flashed before my mind’s eye and I soaked in the nostalgia. When we got in I was shocked to find admission to the bar was free but to get onto the dance floor went from a two dollar bar minimum, to five dollars. I had promised Lou that if he found the funds to get there I would pay for him so I was now down 10 dollars. One would think with a price increase that it would be better than before but it had gotten a lot worse, you were no longer allowed to dance on the speaker boxes, the go-go dancers were gone and the DJ was horrible,  So not worth five per 21 year old and 10 for the minors.

We made the best of it, Lou, Phil and I got tired of just standing around so we went to the dance floor to make the most of it and for about an hour we danced to fairly good music. Then we bumped into Zack again and I chatted with his little boy toy.  

The rest of the night just went on until the DJ stopped everything 6 minutes early. We left the club and went through the bar to go outside. And I smoked my last cigarette and made Tia and Phil to promise to support me in this. They vowed to not let me smoke around them and in the event I am caught with a cigg in my hand they would take it. September 3 would be the day of my last cigarette for life.

Jay dropped everyone off and I walked into my mom’s dark house where everyone was sleeping. While I missed MeTo it was good to be back in Philadelphia the one place that no matter what would always be my home.

Romantic Evening MeTo Style

Last Sunday MeTo wanted to do something special and something special we did. With me having just lost my car and a Saturday of being really depressed he wanted to get me and us out of the house. He mentioned this middle eastern place in New Brunswick and today he figured was as good a day as any to take us there.

So we got showered and dressed and I even put on makeup to just make it all the more special.  We both were quite pleased with our outfits and for good reason. I was completely turned on by him, to the point where all I could say was wow. He wore his new jeans that he recently bought to expand his wardrobe, a tight burgundy shirt that displayed his mussels very well and the tan blazer I picked out for him.  He looked amazing.

We walked to the restaurant and talked about everything that was on our minds, mostly about how much we loved each other and turn each other on.  With each day causing me to love him more than the last I was at the point of being madly in love with him. He remains the most charming and giving person I know.
We got to the restaurant and was seated outside. It was a lovely day and the place although small was just as charming. Our waitress was one of those sweet innocent smart types. The kind of waitress that one would hope to get everywhere they go. I gazed into MeTo’s eyes as I sipped on my seltzer and lime, trying to figure out what I wanted. The food from the other tables enlarged my eyes and the aromas played a symphony for my nose. My stomach felt reassured that no matter what I got I was going to eat well.

With time and the waitress’ help I decided I would have the hummus and seasoned ground beef, while MeTo had the gyro platter. We had stuffed grape leaves for our appetizer and both ordered house salads. With everything being well priced we decided to stay for coffee and desert as well. The baklava was not all that great but MeTo, the connoisseur he is, was quite pleased with the coffee.

Sure there we a few things that could have ruined the night like my getting makeup on my shirt collar, or spilling my creamer. But I was with the man of my dreams and he was providing a perfect night. It was one of those dates were no matter what goes wrong there is just way to much going right. I was on cloud nine with him and we walked back talking about religion and how much we love each other.

When we got home he had to do some quick work for school and I took the time to clean and put away a few things. He was quite happy to find that the last cardboard moving box was gone. With a few nick knacks placed well around the apartment, it now looked even more like a home.

When his work was done we sat on the couch and had drinks and chatted. Before I knew it I was lip locked and pulling him into the bedroom. The amazing night ended with the proper fireworks.

We All Have our Violet Days

Victor S Bethea II

The previous blog, while every word is true, is what I like to call one that was written in a violet moment, a dark point in my life. Since that posting I have done a lot of thinking and talked with MeTo about it.

I noticed that it may come off that I am not happy with the fact that I came out of the closet and I am not happy with the person that I am. This is not the case, while I have many regrets in my past me coming out of the closet is not one of them. It is true that I never wanted to be gay, who would honestly chose a life where an extremely conservative Christian family would persecute you. Who would choose a life where one could never look forward to having a big happy wedding like his friends and other family member? Who would honestly choose a life where he runs the risk of being attacked in the neighborhood where he grew up because he is not like the guys he grew up with? This is not a life that people wake up and choose its one that people wake up and are forced to accept.

I explained before that before I came out of the closet it was years of fasting and praying that God would change my sexual desires and it was after this extreme time that I had to accept myself for who I am. It hurts that my main spiritual leader fails to see or even try to see things from my perspective.

When I came out of the closet I had nothing anymore, I had to begin reevaluating everything in my life, from my religion and family values, to what I wanted to do with my life and the type of people I wanted in it. You would think having a boyfriend at such a time would make things better but mine made things worse. He showed me the path of a stereotypical gay man. He smoked round the clock, drank round the clock, used marijuana every chance he had, spent his free time clubbing and out in bars. He was the only gay friend I had as mf friend Anthony abandoned me right before I came out.  

I needed someone so I stayed with my boyfriend got his advice and allowed him to help me block out the pain. I began smoking cigarettes, and drinking more than I would have liked to. He would tell me this is gay life smoking drinking a clubbing and when your gay 25 is middle age. I began to understand the fear that my mother had about gay life not including her religious views. It was a new strange would for me and I had only one tour guide and after 5 weeks I was abandoned yet again because I failed to fit any kind of stereotype.

I began a search on a4a to make new friends and maybe find a boyfriend and one friend and I began going to Woody’s. I was loving it on Friday nights meant dancing half dressed on a speaker box I was in the gay scene but I was free to become the gay man I wanted to become. I had no one telling me this is how it is and you’re supposed to think and do this. It was my choice to drink and to get drunk. It was a time in my life that was all about having fun, and that’s just what I did. With my friends at work supporting me and encouraging me not to change, and vowed to myself that while I am gay I will be the victor I was when I was straight.   

Shortly after Mr. M and I were done I was invited to a birthday party by my friend Erica. Her friend Jayson was having a birthday party and it gave me a chance to where my all white as it was a white party.

The party was nice but the after party was even better despite the guy I was eyeing all night was not going to the club. One might find it odd but it was at the club that I got to know the birthday boy. We had met twice before but this was the first time that I had a chance to really get to know him. Our friend Erica wanted us to date but it’s a good thing we didn’t because less than two weeks later we were hanging out again, and then again, and before we knew it we were introducing each other as best friend.

While Jayson was a heavy smoker and sometimes drank a lot during parties, he never defined what being gay was, yet he showed me how to be gay. I felt like I was capable of being who I was before, I could keep my morals and have fun. He was the kind of person that spoke his mind and made it clear that this is how HE thought and if any one disagreed they could speak up and it would be welcomed. I meet many people through Jay and of all the friends that I ever made in life I never regretted befriending him.

We had so much in common we liked diverse crowds and to dance on the speaker box at Woody’s. We even had a thing for white guys.

By the time of my 22nd birthday I had such a great view of the gay world, I had seen the good the bad all that it had to offer and at 22 I was a better person than I had been at 21. I was out and happy, I had a new respect for life and the people in it. I knew my support base and I knew where to go to have a good time. I was a better rounded person. The only problem was I allowed someone to stay in my life that I should have let go of, Mr. M. I dealt with that the best I knew at the time but due to my lack trust in the world and even those closest to me I kept my true feelings towards him a secret and would cast him in the best light at all times.

But a year after being 22 he is no longer a part of my life. I do wish the decision had been mine but all in all no matter if you walk or run you still going over the bridge.  Now that I am 23 I have found a man who loves me and encourages me to be who I am along with my friends.

While I may not be working, or have a car I still have all the love I fought for over the years and if I didn't come out I would still be living at home with next to no friends and most likely with no job and losing my care. So there you have it my reason for being proud of who I am and coming out. Yes in dark times I think about how life is unfair and how things might be if I were straight, what depressed gay person doesn't? All I know is over the past two years I have experiences that shaped me into an undeniably better person and made for some interesting reading on my blog.

No More

There comes a time in every man’s life where his past and all the secrets catch up to him and while I can sit back and let them all happen slowly I prefer to just get it all over with at once.

The biggest secret I ever kept is the true story of how I lost my virginity I never told a sole and there is only one person who knows the true story but would deny it if ever confronted. I was not raped but it was not something that I really wanted to happen. It was not long before my 18th birthday when I became sexually active again with a guy who I never should have had any sexual activity within the first place. Me eldest cousin and I had played sexually games for as long as I could remember. It had stopped for quite some time but when we started to live under the same roof it started again and by the second game he finally took things all the way. I tried my best to block the incident from my mind but it has been one that has stayed with me ever since.

I can’t help but look at how our lives turned out and not feel hatred but envy. He went to college on time and went on to become a paramedic. He remains in the closet still and receives family approval and is looked to as the golden child. I on the other had have disappointed my mother by not walking in my graduation from high school due to poor grades and had to do summer school.

I only did a small portion of college and as far as my success goes I am just one big failure. I have over five thousand dollars in debt and several different jobs in the past 5 years. When I came out to my conservative Christian family, my mother and grandmother did all but disown me. I used to smoke cigarettes and occasionally pot. I used alcohol heavily and sometimes I still get drunk alone.

I suffer from depression and think about suicide. I have no job. I live two hours from all my friends and family with a man who honestly deserves better. My debt consists of several bad decisions. A little over three thousand for a car that has just been repossessed, a thousand for a loan I had took out in order to keep my apartment when I was 19 and several other bills for unpaid electric, cable, tuitions and god only knows what else.

I am tired of having theses secrets and pretending my life is not so bad. Vixc B is a lie, a facade I created to hide the pain I endure every day. I never wanted to be gay, I had a play for my life and it fell apart. I don’t know what is in store for me.

I wonder if I should stay in this relationship its seems life a selfish and unfair thing to do. I get stressed out quite easily anymore and find myself sneaking away to have a cigarette and the urge to get drunk. I don’t know what I am going to do but I know things will get worse before they get better.  

A Tripn in the Closet

Today I spent time organizing my closet, since the big move I had no really had the time nor the motivation to put each and every item into a proper category and place. While sorting my dress shirts from my semi dress shirts and vest from outer wear it dawned on my not only that I don’t have as many clothes as I think I do, but the whole reason that gays are so obsessed with their closets.

This obsession that we gay men have has nothing to do with the whole at one time we lived there story it’s simply that gay men see their closet as the equivalent to a bank account. The gay community is more times than not quite the shallow one. We are judged and judge based on how a person looks, more importantly, what they are wearing.

And whether it is Dolce and Gabbana, Abercrombie and Fitch, Armani, or a cool tee shirt that was found at Wal-Mart. A gay man’s wardrobe is expected to speak volumes.

This coveted asset is so protected that few are trusted in its presence, and every good boyfriend knows that you never ever assume that you can borrow from it. A gay man typically allows borrowing only by the best friend and even then it starts with items that are easily replaced and there after that’s all that’s asked for. For if a man was to come across his best friend closet and find a unique item that is not in his own the mind would run wild and go to the point of self justifying “borrowing” an item without permission and without the intent to return. Which can ruin if not destroy a relationship even faster than money.

Gay men and women guard their closets like investment bankers guard their portfolios. In today’s world having the right shirt is the difference between happily ever after, a one night stand, or hearing people chant the U-G-L-Y song behind your back.

From shirts, pants and shoes to belts jackets and ties we never think our closet is ever complete especially since while fashion my repeat and things go out of style, finding that timeless look takes a life time.

Jay Has a Birthday

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So the 15 was my best friend’s birthday and he asked for one thing, a surprise. That was in and no particulars. He told me a few of his other friends but it ended up only being our friend Jen and I who handled it all. Jay stayed on top of us to ensure that we were infecting planning some kind of surprise. To be quite honest it was a legitimate request. Jay had had a rough year thus far and with losing some friends being betrayed by others he wanted to know that that there were still some people who honored his friendship.

Jay had told us both that he did not care if only five of his friends came to his door and yelled surprise, he would be happy because it was a surprise. But he did inform me as his best friend I should have something to do with the planning. So I thought long and hard about what all of his friends could do that would not cost too much and would be a lot of fun for us all. I called the gang and told them to start thinking and keep that Saturday clear. As luck would have it Phil could not get off and everyone was pretty much broke, so I thought about how despite the fact that we are in a recession everyone still has money to go out and eat.

So sent out text and got numbers and sent out more text to let everyone know the time and place of Jay’s surprise. The big day came and we were still adding and changing plans. The morning of got up and began to bake my best friend a birthday cake complete with icing and red decorations. Once it was completed the hubby and I drove to Delco and picked up the birthday boy. RJ suggested a blindfold and it just so happened that Jay had a scarf that matched his shoes and the blue bandanna MeTo gave me was out. I had to stall though my assistant was not there yet and our guest ware not seated.

I headed out and we all laughed and talked about how Jay felt like a blind man but were acting like moving his head would assist in him seeing. When we arrived I dropped off the cake and made it know I was upset that my guest had not been seated. But after talking to Jen we decided that yelling surprise outside was a better idea.

So I retrieved Jay from the car and gave a guess as to where we were, Olive Garden, I said no but I did take the most direct way there from his house and it was his favorite restaurant and they were playing music. I positioned him and pulled down his blindfold as 14 of his closest friends’ yelled surprise. He was thrilled to see that it was a really party in his honor and that he meant enough to people that we went out our way to make him happy.

It was truly a good time we ate told jokes, reminisced and caused a ruckus, some of us even learned how to play an Armonica using wine glasses. While two others realized, without a doubt why I did not like Zack Wilson.

The night ended and I and MeTo had a long ride back and he was not feeling too well not to mention I pissed him off a little. So we went on and Jay was so happy and thanked everyone over and over. It was my job as the best friend to make a big fuss out of certain moments and this one was no exceptions.

Most of the crew went out for drinks after and the next day while food shopping I got a call from Jay’s brother asking if Jay’s phone was working. It turned out that the kid had had so much fun the night before he was sleeping like a rock. His mother and brother wanted to deliver his cards but were very happy and very grateful to hear his birthday was truly happy in a year that was not so great.

Is This What I Want?

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When confronted in the present about ones past it makes since that they are apprehensive. I heard that somewhere once and it seemed appropriate for my current situation. My past is full of financial irresponsibility, just ask my mother. And the fact that I never had anyone to lecture me about money management until it was too late only led to the problem snowballing.

In fact the snowball has gotten so big that it is constantly there all year long and just when I get to the point of chipping away at it something happens where  I have to let it be and move on to dealing with basic survival.

At one point I was financially stable and did not know it. Yes I had a bad track record but some bad advice from a certain someone on what not to do and no advice on what to do led me to jumping the gun. Needles to say I depended on my mother for a place of refuge until I got things back to where they should be but when I came out of the closet I could no longer depend on her much except the extreme basics to stay alive, ok make that just food.

Things snowballed from there and since then I refused to tell anyone about my finances unless I knew for a fact they could and would make them go away or we were going to get married.

Now I am at a crossroads with Mr. MeTo, I cannot pay my share of the bills only because I have no job. He keeps inquiring about my financial past and current debt. My debt does not affect my paying bills it is simply the reason why I have no savings. But he refuses to support me unless I divulge everything.

I consider the sacrifices I have made for our relationships to be quite hug as it is. I have moved to New Jersey, and I have overlooked his lack of True religious affiliation. If I break this last promise to myself I will become someone that simply is not Vixc B. I could relate if I was asking him to pay bills related to my car including traffic tickets or if I were paying off debt first and then our common bills. But that is not the case and he finds it disrespectful, says I want my cake and to eat it too.

Is this really what relationships are? I have to completely submit on their terms before I am truly ready. As much as it pains me to say it I was never ready for this, it’s what I hopped one day to have but not so soon. I am living a bad case of buying the perfect outfit because it was on sale with nowhere to wear it. What do I do? If I sell it on eBay it will never be mine again and I will find myself searching for the perfect outfit when the time comes or I will have to sacrifice myself and maybe become more of a person I don’t want to be.

I can’t help but wonder is my problem the fact that I am changing who I am or that I am trying to fit into a mold that is not made for me. Playing house husband, baking, cooking, cleaning, being spoiled by a man who claims to love me, is this really what I want? Or do I want to be back in the club scene, hopping from guy to guy, looking on adam4adam for my next date, sleeping with who I want because I want to, late nights drinking and random parties with people who are only my friends for a season. It was fun and sometimes I miss it but that all has to end sometime.

When I came out of the closet I promised myself that I would not become a gay stereotype. I would not be a queen, I would not try any and every drug just to try it and fit in. I would not be self righteous and think I was perfect the way I was. I wanted to be the person I was, just gay. Now I look back to pre-gay Victor and compare him to the now Victor and I still only have half. I have cool friends who live two hours away. I have a terrific boyfriend who seems to want to marry me, but no job and I am flat broke.

To tell MeTo about every part of me, this one in particular, would mean I would lose even more control of my life I would have to deal with things when someone else dose, my past would unnecessarily haunt me. I fought hard to become an independent person only ALLOWING people to help me. Only I having full control over all of me. Quite recently I have been sacrificing who I am or was to be the couple I wanted to be a part of, far too quickly.

I have to maintain who I am, and become the person that I want in my own time.

I think about what I will say to him if I end up moving and I feel as though he doesn’t get me, and if he doesn’t get me will any man? I keep thinking about all the men that claimed they thought I was the one for them and I wonder if they got me? Did they understand my fire, my stubbornness, my independence?  Yet see the fact that with charm, trust, charisma, love and time that any wall I built could be broken.

A friend of mine told me that being ticklish is reflective of one’s lack of trust; there has only ever been one person who could give me a foot rub or touch me without making me laugh. MeTo was getting to that point and I was beginning to feel comfortable enough to tell him what he wanted to know but how can I if every moment I begin to feel comfortable he has an episode and reminds me why I still want to keep parts of me separate.

As the day went on I thought long and hard about it and although disgusted by his ultimatum I tried my best to appear understanding and agreeable. He wants to snuggle and talk to me more but I wanted not to be bothered and he suggested that he leave. Despite my saying it was not necessary we both knew it was and while I was taking a nap he went to hang out with his brother. I knew this from the text I got later.

I then checked my email and saw he wrote me a letter to which I began writing a response but due to my headache I sat to watch Noah Arc the movie which caused me to do more thinking. I thought about all I wanted from life the benefits to tell MeTo about my past and the possible consequences. In the middle of the movie he called and we chatted a bit about what we both were doing and how we were feeling. He emphasized that his main concern was that we worked through things and ultimately stayed together and that he was willing to do what it took to ensure our future together. It was nice to see that this relationship meant more to him than my little secret.

He ended up spending the night with his brother and I went to bed alone, with only my Whinny the Pooh to keep me company, pooh was happy.

The next morning I was awaken by MeTo and I still hadn’t sent my email, for the first time ever in my life I got an apology that was not only heartfelt and meaning full, but it was accompanied by flowers.

We talked and of course made up the way that couples in love do. I still have not sent my email due to the fact of the context and that I realized if this was truly the man I intended on marrying there should be no secrets. While I may be revealing all of myself to someone does not mean I am loosing myself it just means I am finally accepting what real love is and what the balance of remaining who I am while being comfortable with one other person seeing all of me, the good, bad, the ugly and the sexy.

I told him my secret and it brought us closer together and I have no regrets.

 

Going, Going, Wait . . . Gone?

Victor S Bethea II says

Sometimes we get extremely lucky and find a love so perfect that it seems just way to easy to maintain.  Despite the easy and how happy both parties are you never know if the other is just pretending or if he or she has just been letting you do all the work.

It is quite possible that you or your significant other can wake up one day and just not feel it anymore. Whatever the reason it leaves one wondering, where did the love go?

My best friend in South Carolina just experienced this he went to bed and was in a happy relationship, when he woke up he found that he was single and in one of the most disturbing ways, a note left on the bed in the spot where his now ex was sleeping the night before. The explanation was simple yet confusing, “I am just not in love anymore.” Kind of cold considering the only thing keeping him in SC was his boyfriend.

I received a call and text asking that I call when I could. I called thinking it was a big emergency. I was quite shocked to hear that his boyfriend broke up with him. We went through all the questions as to why and did you see it coming. I was further shocked to find that Lou was totally taken by surprised. I must admit Lou can be dense but he can see a break up coming. I then asked based on the nature of the breakup if had a chance to talk to his now supposed ex and the answer was no.

A part of me was excited that with nothing holding Lou in SC he would come back to Philly but at the same time I did want things to work out so I focused on getting him to sit down and talk to him.

Later that day I saw Jay and told him what I had heard and I received another shocker for the day, Jay told me that he missed Lou not the nonsense that he would start but all the same he missed Lou. I gave him Lou’s number figuring that he needed as much support and advice as he could get. Not to mention Jay was in the process of figuring out which friends were keepers and which were looser.  I always felt that Jay and Lou should have stayed friends.

Later that night I get a call from jay and he tells me that he and Lou have quite the conversation and that Lou was going to talk to his ex. We both knew they would get back together. And sure enough the next day when I called Lou, he was no longer single. What happened I am not sure I will ever understand but I know this, love doesn’t disappear overnight.  

That Kind of July

new job

We are constantly told that we can never know what to expect in life. So many times we see this proven when we hope and or pray for one thing and then the total opposite happens. So many times in my life I have fallen victim to this. I was hopping and praying that my job at traction would turn into my dream job allowing me to make enough money so I could go to school at night then turn into my first client. However the opposite happened and I now find myself without a job.

How can I honestly say what went wrong I, by sheer magic, dodged getting fired once but the second time just seemed unavoidable.  I and my job were working to find my hitch and it looked like all was well but for some odd reason it just did not work and with no explanation came Monday I was without employment.

I can remember going back to my bedroom to tell MeTo the news and exhausted by it I went back to bed. I had nothing to worry about I never had to much trouble finding a job. I was just disappointed that I got no explanation as to why I was let go. All I had were my own intuitions, to many people found out about my sexuality, the president was unhappy with the fact I was not in sales, which was not my fault. I worked for this company almost 7 months and they failed to deliver on their initial terms and I found myself most day with nothing o do.

I had explained this to my boss along with my failure to understand the company’s workings. For the first time ever I felt anger towards my employer I was pissed that they decided to hire me based on what I could do and not what I could do for the company. My resume and cover letter are one of a kind and speak of only a small portion of who I am, they saw this and were impressed. The position I interviewed for was an assistant to the president, I was hired as a sales rep who act as an assistant for the general manager. The reason for this I was not Jewish and someone came in after me who was.  

I took the position only to prove that I was better suite by skill and not religion and then the other quit with out a word. I was left with having my job constantly redefined and projects thrown at me with out proper resources to complete them.

Needles to say I am looking for new employment and this was just icing on the cake of a July full of surprises.

HIV p2

HIV,Clubbing,gay,Karaoke,Vixc B,Victor Bethea

After Jayson’s parents arrived we went into the living room and began to chat which was more like a listen to Jayson. What can be said when you have received the news we did. It was silent for awhile until Jay asked everyone to talk and when he got to his mom she apparently said the wrong thing, when she mentioned that the first thing to enter her mind was that he could get the help he needs. Jay was disappointed that he did not get the mother response and his anger rose and was forced to remove himself from the situation.

Once outside I followed him and he vented knowing he needed time to compose himself before he went back.  When we did go back and the conversation turned into trying to get the family back together as it should be.

It was only a matte of time before I was brought in as a mediator. Progress was being made but when you have two people who are exactly alike and nether is hearing the other and refuses to see that. I felt there was progress being made but jay however did not and felt it was pointless so he asked for a ride home and I said no keep at this. He announced he had 2 dollars and would take the bus.

I stayed and tried to allow his mother to vent and try to gain a better understanding of her for my self and to my surprise she was as much the type of person that I figured her to be in my mind. She also admitted to the fact the she saw a lot of herself in Jayson. Progress was being made and jay needed to see it. But we came to a point where we all were at an understanding but in order for anything to work jay would have to be willing and accepting of the fact that it would take time for everyone to understand one another.   

Jay’s parents had to run an errand and I was told to stay. I and Jay’s brother went to play Wii and just as we set things up jay came back in and asked for a ride. So I said good bye and good luck to his quite attractive brother and took him home.

When jay fell asleep from all the stress I went to visit my grand mother and my mother. I told my grandmother and aunt about the news I had gotten but left that out when I went to visit my mother. I arranged for a few of us to take Jay out to take his mind off things and it turned into quite the night.

 

Taking his mind off things.

After making my rounds I went back to jays and told him to be dressed and ready by 8, we were going out. It took some convincing but we decided to go out for dinner at Pizza Hut and then Karaoke at 12th Air, which meant no Phil 12th Air, was 21 and older tonight. We had so much fun just the three of us RJ, Jay and myself. We were ubber  gay then drove to KFC/Taco Bell to wait for Jenn and another friend.

Once at 12th Air we commenced drinking and watched the performances and I realized even more how much I loved and missed hanging out with Jay. He sang two songs and by then I was loose and ready to sing. The DJ came back and said he could not find my song and suggested our whole group sing Proud Mary, so jay and I did. We were more entertaining with our dancing then our singing but the crowed loved us and we loved the attention.

When it’s raining men came one jay and I were back on stage to be backup dancers.  We all then figured we call it a night as most of us had work in the morning.

Once in the car Jay announced that he was meeting Aaron to go to Tom Jones and that I should just spend the night. We met Aaron and caught up just the three of us it was quite the shocker to see the place dead. It used to be such the place to hang out, but due to the smoking ban it was much like every other dinner.

After TJ’s we went to Aaron’s to check out a old computer for Jay so he could get back to writing. When I got back to Jay’s it was almost 4 in the morning and I passed out as soon as I laid down on his couch.

I got up and received poor directions to where we had parked my car the night before and it turned into an hour walk in several circles. I found my car and I got gas, when I gat back in my car I found that my check engine light was no longer lit. the day was going to be average.

I was running on only three hours of sleep but gave it my best. It was Thursday and I had to look forward to my weekend, my and MeTo’s house warming.

Constricting or Liberating

After finding out my best friend was positive it put a lot to deal with in my life, and going out that Wednesday gave me a lot to think about and made me realize how much my life had changed both in good and bad ways. From the outside it looked great. I had an extremely attractive man who loved me and was easy to love, amazing in-laws, and cool apartment with all the basic luxuries a car and a job that was not overly stressful. I had the gay dream, except one thing I was not in the gay scene anymore and I missed it.

I live an hour and a half away from the Philadelphia gay scene which I have become accustomed to and much to my surprise I realized that after two long islands I was not intimidated by anyone and had fun at karaoke. I miss Philadelphia and being so close to my friends.

Thinking about all of this made me realize how much I was also getting tired of New Jersey and many of the things in it. My life consisted of food shopping, going to the gym, a local dinner, monopoly, and half priced appetizers at Appleby’s, all with my hubby or alone. Occasionally or friend Christian would join us but for the most part most activities were just the two of us.

I am not saying that I dislike my life but it has changed drastically over the past 8 months and it was not really gradual. I just miss when life was simple and the only thing that could hold me back from a crazy time at Woody’s or some other crazy spot was work.

All this had built up on top of my best friend’s bad news and I was to distracted to have sex and MeTo noticed and with minor twisting I popped.

I began laying down how I felt and why, what I was and was not getting from him and other parts of my life. I could not hold back if he insisted on knowing. My popping turned into discussing and we both pointed out my extreme independence and the fact that this is not only my most serious relationship but my longest. He then told me that relationships should be liberating yet are a lot of work. Which made me think, do I see being with MeTo as liberating?

After our conversation I realized he needed some space and I took my glass of wine to the balcony. I saw a man practicing his golf swing. I don’t know if it is just me but in the month of July golf is everywhere to the point even the blind and deaf notice. I got to thinking how they always tell you practice makes perfect. You practice sports, music, art, writing, everything from driving to eating, yet we are never told much about love or the practice that it may or may not involve.

In this practice makes perfect world we become firm believers in the more sex a man has the better he becomes, with a little guidance of course, but do we ever stop to think that maybe they need to stop and practice being in a relationship before they get into the big one? Dose love at first site really exist along with happily ever afters, or is it with contingencies and prerequisite.

Dose the perfect relationship require both parties involved to have experience or can two people who have never done the serious thing before truly make it. There have been successful arranged marriages so one would figure it is quite possible. You hear real life stories of love at first sight and een happily ever after. My example would be my in-laws. So if this is all possible then to find true love the one you should be with is in fact liberating the joy in knowing you have found the one your other half. But to honestly answer the question of if you’re in a liberating relationship is a three-parter. Are you truly the relationship type, are you ready and finally if already in a relationship?

These not being totally simple questions require serious thought and my final answer could alter my life quite a bit. I am left with some thinking to do.

This Week in indigo

The week started as most of my typical weeks do except I found myself a little more worried about Jay than normal. I many times surprised me to hear him call me his best friend when people with many close friends say it typically is but I was to find out this week why out of all his friends he always called me his best.

I got home and from there the week was no longer a normal week, I changed to go meet my personal trainer at the gym for my fist session. For one hour I was at the mercy of an quite attractive Asian man with quite the body. I was forced to do some exercises that I had been holding off on. I used a bike to warm up and then did some different stretches and on to lifting weights, “LIFTING WEIGHTS?” I was shocked that he was starting me off so hardcore and it was not light stuff. To my surprise I took everything he dished out not in the best way but he certainly knew what he was doing. We focused mainly on my chest and did a fair amount of bench pressing. I left feeling fine but when I got ready to drive found my wheel not to easy to turn.

I was left feeling week on Tuesday but not as bad as Monday evening. I then decided that on Thursday I would visit my family in Philly on Thursday and get ready for my modeling session on Wednesday and this way look my best so before I knew it my whole week was planned.

I came home Tuesday to texturize my hair and I would get a shape up Wednesday after work and do the cooking for the housewarming on Friday and the party on Saturday. MeTo suggested going to Appleby's for half priced appetizers and Christian conveniently stopped by to use the net and visit, so I didn’t have to drive.

Towards the end of eating I got a text from jay telling me he needed his friends and was pulling the best friend card still concerned and knowing he never ever pulls the card I called. He wanted to go out and be surrounded by people to take his mind off of the bad in his life which he was quite focused on. It was extremely unlike jay to feel depressed for more than a day or two and here it had been almost 6 days. I informed him after he told me not to come that if he needed me I would drive to come be with him and he still said it was not necessary to drive the 2 hours of be late for work the next day as it was 11 at night already. So I let it go. I paid for the three of us and we went home.

Shortly after I feel fast asleep I was awaken by my phone and the number although unfamiliar I recognized the area code as a non solicitor call. It was Lou and I informed him that I would call him the next day.

I was running late for my Wednesday meeting as usual but made it in the nick of time and to my surprise my coworker actually bought me coffee which was great as I didn’t have time to buy my caramel iced latté like I typically do on Wednesdays. It was another semi-pointless meeting but this one had more substance. I was have a fairly good Wednesday with a fair amount of work to do and a decent mood despite my weak feeling was turning into a sore one. Because my check engine light came on I figured it was time to finally change my oil and set out to do so on my lunch break, but after I cashed my paycheck and got to pep boys I only had 30min and needed 45. So I drove back to work.

Before I got out the car I checked my phone and I had a text message saying “call me I really need to talk” and a missed call both from Jay. I clocked back in and something told me to call jay now. So I did and Jay still sounded depressed. I asked what was up not thinking he could have bad news and he calmly told me he was positive, It was then followed by how he felt he could deal with it but really needed someone, his best friend which was followed by crying and a victor I need you.

I was shocked and speechless and with all the things my best friend had to deal with I was only praying things would get better and this was far from it. My coworkers had to have herd me say “I’m coming jay. I’ll be there.” I began shaking and packed and sent my boss who was out to lunch an email explaining why I was not there when he got back.

Before I knew it I was feeling helpless and called MeTo who had never seen or heard me cry. I need some tiny bit of strength to deal with this and he was the first and only person I thought of. I began to run to my car when I saw some of the people I work with outside and tears began to come. I said it once but the tears drowned me out so I was forced to repeat it. I put on my Christian playlist and before I knew it I was driving towards the Philadelphia skyline and MeTo was telling me to be with my friend.

So many thoughts rushed through my head once I got off the phone. I always knew I had love for Jay but at this moment my heart was broken and I did not fully understand why. I thought about how complicated it would be for him to get into the perfect relationship and some of the issues that would arise when he did. I thought about how he had more to worry about now, I thought about how much more I should have prayed for his safety. I knew it was not my fault and I knew it was not a death sentence but I also knew it meant the end of a completely worry free health.

I got a call from Jay telling me to go to his mother’s house and I found him on the porch with his brother and I went to him and he gave me a big hug and said he was sorry and began to cry. He held me so tight and it was all I could do, we both were helpless. My friend was hurting and what caused the hurt would be there there rest of his life and I could do nothing but say, “It’s going to be ok.” He grabbed his brother and continually said he was sorry he knew he felt he was not the best brother he could be or the best friend. We both told him to stop with the sorrys they were not necessary. His mother drove up with a man I had never seen before Jay continued to hug and cry and apologize and it was hard to watch as my best friend had to do one of the hardest things a gay man could do, return home to tell his family he was HIV positive.

(To Be Continued)