Friends

My friend.

At times I can be a loud bitching funnie and honest person. I am always my self and I never change to make those around me more comfortable. I fit in in many different settings and always manage to seen as the same person in each one. When it comes to my friends I always speak my mind, how I feel, and tell them the truth even if it may hurt their feelings.

However, recently I have found that two people have gone through my life never knowing the person all my friends know. I find it mind boggling as to why that is. Every single person that Knows Victor Bethea knows his life is an honest open book. I always argue my point while still trying to understand why my adversary sees the opposite. I only apologize when I know I was more wrong then the other person and when I'm pissed sad, depressed, furious (and everyone who truly knows me there is a big difference between my levels of anger)i always let my true feelings show to my exclusive circle of friends.

My best friend from High School. Basically through our friendship away once he hit college. I always backed down in arguments, I wanted his approval, I tried to assert to him that I thought he was a great friend and an awesome person. I always wanted to do what he wanted to do when we hung out. I found myself jealous when my other friends started talking and hanging out with him. I never let it show or told anyone. I never wanted to date him so it wasn't like I thought my self as his boyfriend or anything I just was a totally different person for him. He was one of the few people that could look at me to shut up and I would with out giving a sly look, quick response or anything.

Now I am sitting here and wondering why. I never got angry or yelled at him which was strange because in high school I yelled at everyone. I bet one of my other good friends with my shoe in the hall way after lunch. I felt he was a spoiled brat who needed to know what it was like to get a but beating.

Time went by and I accepted the friendship was over and I never wanted to find someone like him again. How ever a few months after my 21^st birthday I found another. It was all fun in the beginning while we dated but after the dating was done and friendship was agreed upon I noticed I looked at the same way I did my friend in high school.

While we dated and even now as friends I still never raised my voice to him like I've done with my other friends. I refuse to let him see or hear my cry, I allow him to dominate our friendship. There have been times that I was honestly disappointed in our hangout activities but said nothing and showed no emotion as to how I truly felt. I try to remain a happy person but many times it comes off as bitter or mean spirited towards the rest of the world. I allow him to say what he want and get away with it. Its not nearly as bad as high school.

Recently I have found that this is unhealthy and along with the “I Don't Know”s is going to ruin everything. I am not going to confront him about any of this but simply change how I deal with situations around and or concerning him. I will have to make a point to remember how I would deal with something with Jaz or Jason. I don't care what other people think so long as when they walk away from me they know the Victor they talked to is the same Victor everyone else talks to.

These two people are at no fault for the way I act around them. I simply gave them power over me. I was the one who changed for no reason. It has maybe cost me one friendship but I refuse to let it be the reason for anything else in my life to go sour.

"I Don't Know"

“I Don't Know”

It's a pretty common English phrase. I have always thought of it as an easy way to annoy or evoke anger. My mother hated when that was my response and always was able to put a sarcastic spin on it. It is however going to cost me a friendship. I always thought that in time I would be able to get over this person and be happy being friends. I thought and hoped that the time would come where we would either date or we look at each other and realize we make better friends.

One sad night I was angered by something he said. When I look back on it I don't know why it angered me but it did and I in turn handled it like a bitch. Was he hurt or sad or a combination of the two I don't know and at the time I didn't care. It however lead to him having a heart to heart with my most best friend, things he said that I would have preferred her not to hear. The vocalization of what one person sees as certain flaws should only be heard by the one whom the flaws lie. Especially those that cannot be changed and others that should not be changed.

After I saw what was going on I had a drink then expressed my out rage. After a little yelling and driving people home my best friend told me what was said. The heart to heart did not anger me so much but the fact this person told my friend what he told her did. It was a fairly silent ride home with him trying to get me to speak. I was pissed and would have preferred him to take me home in silence and leave. He was sobbing and I was being a bitch hardening my heart. We got home and that conversation took place.

Every question I asked was answered with two sorry excuses for an answer to be nullified with “i don't Know.” we talked enough to the point I calmed down and excepted I wasn't going to get my way. At least not that night. We went to bed and parted ways that morning. I wanted to get to some point fast. Either dating or just friends. I called Friday and said we shouldn't talk for a week. No luck there, Thursday I got a text saying he bought me a key chain. I waited till Friday to respond. We resumed right where we were the Tuesday before we went to Woody's. At some point we even started having sex again. He didn't want to date any body he was still getting over his ex. I realized I should do the same as I was trying to get over mine, Him.

Recently the time has come where I am ready to date now. He made it quite clear that he got a little jealous when I was with the other guy that night and when I made out with his friend. He even sounded jealous when I mentioned the guy I was going to try and date. Then the night came when my guy called me and he was sitting next to me. He appeared almost pissed when I said my guy hung up on me and said “I thought you weren't going to date him.” I told him we were just friend and until a week ago it was true.

As I am getting back to the field and my new guy and I are trying to take things to a serious level. I am noticing things in my ex that are more then just turn offs. His obsession with the ex that treated him bad the entire relationship, the boring sex, the receding hair line, the constant attitude, his judgmental sounds and looks, and constant over appreciation of some things and under appreciation of others tend to make me slightly more than annoyed. To be brutally honest he is not all that attractive, he is not tall with a flat ass, he is in debt like I am and smokes like a chimney.

I am a great friend to all my friends its one of the things that make me happy. I share common interest with all my friends whether it be the jokes we tell, music we listen to, the places we hang out, common upbringing or the books we read. I don't see being the friend to him that I am to everyone else.

Your probably wondering what made me fall in love, how did I know, why was I pining over him so long? My answerer to that is “I Don't Know.”

Will he ever be able to give me proper closure, answer my questions, speak his mind as well as his heart? “I don't know”

I have no clue as to what my future holds. There are so many reasons as to why I am angry with my ex so many reasons I am angry with my self. I know I cant wait for him to finally make up his mind. He talks a good game like every guy I've dated. He wants what I want but I feel I am only an example to him. I see it in his face when I look at him. He is honestly one person who's eyes I can't look into for fear of what I may see. I feel like at the end of the day I am just the measuring stick for his dream guy a guy who is happy to do his laundry, cook him dinner, listen to him bitch and complain, reassure him when he is down and yet be content with the little he has in life.

My ex's dream guy is black closer to his hight has a nice size dick acts like he is from the hood is a total bottom, and has all the qualities I mentioned in the paragraph before. He is not me and it hurts because it could have been but I don't want it any more. I can't see my self moving backward to set myself up for God only knows what. He could be my soul mate but I doubt it. We could become the best of friends, I doubt that as well. The bottom line is I am angry with him, he broke my heart, how can I forgive him?

I don't know.

Last Time at Woodys

So Wednesday night was club night. This one was quite exciting as we haven't gone in like three weeks. I got to see a friend that I honestly haven't seen since last year. I drove a car that wasn't mine and I got drunk at the club. I don't know why but I have been cutting back on my alcohol consumption not intentionally, its just the way its been.

So the music was bumping and we were having fun. I was supposed to meet 2 other guys. One never showed and I never found the other. However my friend Dawane sent me a text asking where I was. We decided to meet at the bar. It was a Kamikaze night I had it in my flask and I had one as soon as I got to the club. With my birthday having just passed and most of my friends not showing up I and getting my birthday drinks still. When Dawane showed up I could see he was clearly pissed. He ordered my second drink and a Grey Goose on the rocks for himself. I forced him to let off his chest what was bothering him. It was something about a grad school friend and a lie slash roomer and the end of a relationship and what not. And like most of our conversations more so the resent ones we talked about why we are not dating and the different approaches to him finding a boy friend.

Everyone just wants to be friends and nothing more. I get to know them as a friend be fore I decide to date them and then they always say “i don't want to ruin the friendship.” I wonder why don't they just take the risk.

Being drunk I did not hesitate in my response. I told him stop being out to make friends and look to find a boyfriend. He allows people to become comfortable with friendship and bla bla bla you know where I am going.

He stepped out side and I found a guy to flirt with. This was funnie. I stepped in because it was loud and I wanted to hear what he had to say. He immediately began caressing my body. I was wearing my favorite jeans that make my ass look way great how any guy gay or straight would want an ass to be and a small t shirt that said “Keep staring I might do a trick.” I was drunk and feeling sexy. The guy was some nerd who I thought in a odd sort of way was kind of cute. After only exchanging about 2 sentences he raised his head quite suavely to initiate a kiss. I simply began talking again. He asked what I was drinking and I told him. You would think he would offer to buy me another. Na his conversation skills lacked as well. He would talk and I would lean in to catch what he said and bore I could stand straight again he would motion for a kiss. After his blatant attempted where he almost stood up to try and reach my mouth I hurried to my drink, finished the last drop and told him it was time I rejoined my friends up stares. Poor bloke had very little looks, no game, and poor conversation ability. I could have called him out the many times he tried to kiss me or took the dominate roll and been forceful to get what I wanted but it was not worth the energy and I didn't have a decent audience.

Back up stairs to dance a little I told Dawane to text me when he got back in. It was cute watching my friend RJ get hit on by a really cute guy and then get his number. I can remember a time I would feel a little jealousy but lately I've just been really happy for the other person.

Dawane did text me and back down to my favorite bar. I went back to flirting with the new bartender. He was cute but a total bottom. Dawane started with I don't understand why you wont date me. Being even more drunk I tried to explain I didn't find him attractive that the physical was important to me and I could only ever see him as a friend that the love I have growing between us is like that of a cousin, and you simply don't date your cousin. He accepted it but wasn't happy.

Then these two hot guys walk in with one guy that kinda looked like a chocolate Yoda. Its cool I told him about it. I asked if the two hot guys were dating. The response was priceless. One said no the other I don't know. The I don't know was the one I wanted. We began talking about random stuff. I know body hair and light beer were topics. The more I talked to him the more like a straight guy he appeared and the more I was attracted. So I asked about the “I don't know.” he explained how they are just friends but he wanted more. Yes the were having sex and it was good. He even told me he was mostly top. I tried to assert I was interested but he was to hung up on “I Don't Know” that is quite a significant phrase by the way. When I asked “i don know” name Mike, my new friend, said Josh I retorted with wow not only dose he look like my ex but same name. Then he said “no no his name is Aron sorry got my Jews confused.” I laughed so hard I almost fell of the stool. Dawane was having a merry time talking to some guy he just met and Aron was talking to the chocolate Yoda.

So Mike Funny, Masculine, has body hair, a decent hight, and a top. What was the problem Aron of course. I could not see myself trying to chase after a guy who is chasing something he cant have. It would appear its a trap decent gay men get ensnared in quite frequently. I too have been their more than once. I put my self out there and Aron saw it. I knew right away Aron would never go for Mike. Aron wanted to see Mike move on. I then became the center of attention as Aron and Yoda joined me and Mike's conversation. Aron was into Yoda but Yoda was to drunk to notice. By the way I am on my third Kamikaze.

I looked over to notice Dawane walking of with his new friend about five minutes later Aron walks away. I am sitting her holding court pretty much. I was talking for a good while that I was not going to get anything out of Mike and I should return to my real friends up stares.

I was now fully drunk and did not care. I was moving my hips shaking my ass and content that I was doing it by my self. Then Dawane finds me and starts dancing with me. Before I knew it I was of the ground and bobbing up and down. My face had to have an expression of death. Not only did my best friend stop dancing and get ready to kick ass but the bouncer started in as well. He put me down but my pack of smokes was never the same.

Like always around 2:00 their was a moment of mutual boredom and we decided to cut out. I learned a lot that night about myself and others but thats my next blog because this one is mad long.

(I know there are technical errors in this but thats cuse I said fuck it)

Just Love

I know that at some point I will overdo it but understanding love is one of life's greatest lessons. From the time we are young we are convinced we love mommy because she loves us and she shows this by doing the things we need her to do. We then learn that another sign of her love is discipline she implements ways to show and tell us what behaviors are acceptable and unacceptably in the real world. At some point we stop thinking of her as a bitch for all the grounding and yelling and appreciate her for showing that she wants the best for us, mom's wants us to lead happy lives.

That is the lesson we learn from day one how to show and love your family. But how do we show and know we are in love with non-family. With our friends its easy in our minds we simply adopt them as family. We introduce them to our mom, dad, sisters, brothers, and extend family when appropriate. But then there is that “New Love” the love that is not there from day one the love that we never expected would just bite us in the ass. When we feel it and express to others that we are experiencing a new feeling we are asked if its infatuation. Mom will tell you “it is just infatuation your too young to know what love is.” but we know how to love Mommy we know how to love dad, grandma, grandpa and them other niggas we call family. Why is it we cannot tell the difference between love and infatuation right way, why can’t we learn those feelings from day one?

Why is it that some people marry their high school sweetheart while some never even have one. Why do some people go to college and meet their first husband when others jump from guy to guy never being serious. We go through middle school feeling horny for someone to touch us in that spot and we get to high school and many of us feel how good it is to be touched and then we know sex is good. We know the difference between just wanting sex and wanting to spend time with someone. But we still have to learn what love is.

Then the day comes when you become confused. You don't know if all you want is sex or more. If it is love for the first time of infatuation for the first time. Then there is that moment when you touch and you know you have a chance to walk away or go along for the ride. You know your heart is pumping and you start to sweat a little. You decide to go along for the ride and the whole roller coaster hurts and tickles. It makes you laugh and cry, hungry and full. There are times you cannot stop eating and times you fell you could go days without ever taking another bite. You want to call them but don't want to be over bearing you think about every action before you make a move. You’re in real love for the first time.

A very small select few marry their first loves others such as myself lose them. Most times it is no fault of our own. Sometimes they realize they could never feel the same way about us as we feel about them, sometimes they are in love with someone else, the scars of previous relationships prevent them from being happy, other times it’s just not meant to be. Family or background differences, religious and social beliefs are all the things we learn that will get in the way of love. Sometimes lack of experience will ruin what appears to be the perfect relationship and too much experience can do the same.

My point to all of this as we all have herd before “it’s better to have love and lost then to never have loved at all” however you must remember one lost love is not the end of the world playing the field is hard and can get old quite fast but just like the first time you fell in love you were not looking for it, it found you.

Learning Never Stops - Love

I know that at age 22 you are far from knowing it all. This of course means at age 22 you still have a lot to learn. What I did not know is that it all comes so quickly and you have less time to try and learn each lesson. It is like when you’re my age you have to become a pro at learning life lessons.

It would appear the current lessons that I am being forced to learn are lessons of the heart. I had no idea that in my few years I had become callused. I only loved 3 people romantically and some may say they do not count. There was my 7th grade sweetheart that I failed to realize I loved until it was too late. Eventually I moved on and accepted the fact I was young and dumb. To this day I strongly believe that had I stayed in touch we would have gotten married.

There was the guy I met on line and thought it was only a phase. I knew I loved him although we never saw each other in person. My heart broke when I was forced to stop talking to him. I was tormented when I tried to reconcile and he told me he wanted time to be single. I think a very tiny part of me died when I found out that he had gotten married and didn't bother to tell me.

Still I moved on and got over it as best I could. I dated guys I met on line and in clubs and I befriended ones that wanted more than friends. I even chased after guys I knew I could never have. Then the day came when I felt that chasing was over and I was to be in a decent relationship. Much to my chagrin it lasted only 5 weeks.  I did not think I would be heart broken when the day came, but All my friends did. Many of them tried to tell me it was love but I refused to believe. The day we decided to just be friends I had no idea that I was to join him on a road of heartache and pain. I had no idea that I was to follow 10 steps behind until my lesson was completely finished.

While we were dating I got a glimpse of my ex's ex. he looked like me but I of course was far better looking.  My ex then realized he was not over his ex and trying to have a relationship with me was not fair to me. So he called it off and we decided to be just friends.

I had decided getting some notches in my headboard would be a good way to get over being dumped for the first time. Then one night I met this therapist who could not help but analyze me, not in a boring you are this and that type of way but after conversing he simply pointed out things that I should have already known. He crushed my dream boyfriend description and told me I would never find a guy who lived up to it. Which made me think about the only boyfriend I ever dated that lasted more than two weeks and how he almost had none of the qualities on my list. I thought long and hard as to why I allowed him to be an exception. Put plainly I fell in love and didn't know it. I fell in love with a guy I should not have and while my heartache to see him pinning over a guy who crushed him, I was doing the same.

No matter how hard I tried to show him that I was ready to give him the world he still couldn't help trying to get over whatever. I was just beginning to understand love.

My roommate had called off her wedding. The groom was one of my best friends and I could not understand why he was so heartbroken and found it difficult to get over her. In my mind I though him weak and thought he was the cause of his own heartache. Now I know.

My mother recently filed for divorce from my stepfather. For years I suggested she just walk away and severs all ties for a brief while or divorces him. She seemed powerless to do so in my mind it seemed easy, if one could only take their heart out of it long enough.

How does one control their heart? Why did I think my mother and friend were weak? They were simply victims. Victims of loving the wrong people and while my ex and I are on this road of becoming free of our exes I am learning that love is not rainbows and butterflies. It makes you angry, depressed, confused, vengeful, bitter, bewildered and sometimes delighted. If love was all bad or all good who would bother looking for it. Everybody knows a little drama spices things up and adds romance to make it all worthwhile.

I used to hope my ex would see the light and fall in love with me, but now I just wish that he sees his ex is not worth the love and time he wanted to give and can live free of that hold.

As for me I hope I learn the lesson of this road soon and can find the guy I have dreamed about. I also hope the next lesson is not as intense. 

An Important Night

His name was Jason. Victor and he had been talking for more than 6 months by June after his 21st birthday. It was fitting that they finally met. Victor talked to Jason on a regular basis since he moved back in with his mother and felt that he was really getting to know him and from what Victor knew he liked Jason a lot.

One day victor decided to make his house calls and visit his family. While at his aunts house he called Jason to see what he was doing and if tonight would be a good night to meet.

Jason recently was convicted of a DUI and had no license so he and a few of his friends were going to a local bar called Raven in New Hope Pennsylvania. Victor reminded Jason that he had a car and was willing to drive. And drive victor did 50 min from his current location to meet not only Jason but his friends.

Once at the bar victor called Jason and looked around. He immediately felt out of place when he noticed he got a few stares. Jason grabbed him and pulled him over to where his fiends were and the normal round of “hi my name is,” began. It took a little while for Victor to realize that the bar was infect a gay bar, and that was why he got the stares.

Victor could not help but flirt with Jason’s friend Rich. Rich started it and Victor loved the attention. Yet Victor tried to keep it to a minimum as he came to see Jason who did not seam to look all to interested. The conversation carried on and the jokes were tossed and laughter rang out, the sound that indicated the night and summer were just beginning.

While laughing and using body language to flirt a gentlemen came over to introduce himself. A blond haired fellow of about five foot ten, found the perfect break in conversation to say “Hi my name is Mike and my friend over there really thinks your cute and we were wondering if it's OK with your friends if we bought you a drink and you come over to chat a little bit.”

Victor gave a look at the group and they encouraged him with their looks of approval to go on. What perfect timing, Victor had just finished his kamikaze and the buzz was at its peak, a feeling that Victor had recently come to enjoy.

Victor sat down next to Mike’s friend who looked to be nervous as all hell and the round of “hi my name is,” commenced once more. To get the ball rolling the quest “Where are you from?” was asked. And when Victor saw that the guy he was brought over to meet was fidgeting and quiet he tried to get him to speak.

“So M, where are you from?” At once he noticed that no one lived locally except Mike but even he was a good rid away. While Victor found M’s fidgeting charming his friends kept telling him to sit still.

M left to go to the bathroom and came back less than a min latter to tell everyone that he couldn't because someone was staring at him. A few minuets Victor had to go and M Suggested that Victor go across the street to their motel’s bathroom. A little alarmed but self assured he went. On the walk over M began to open up. They made small talk and exchanged phone numbers. In the Motel room they did not as much as stand with in 3 feet of each other.

Victor found himself to be little torn as he liked Jason but was unsure how far this was going to go with M. He knew a kiss would be as far as it could go but was this kiss going to happen with Jason or M?

Intro to "Welcome Life"

Many of my current readers know quite well who Victor Bethea II is. Those that know him well also know who I am. But why am I telling his story is a task I fell I will allow you to figure out.

I will start with no specific date but around about a time of year where a lot was happing for my dear friend Mr. Bethea. I must warn you Victor's life is not a complete happy one. It tends to go from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other quite frequently.

Victor has finally found something loves with all his heart. He always liked school with the exception of high school. But college was fun. Going at night he met a wide array of people. He started college at 19 and went nights as he had a full time job he loved. But now at 20 tings was getting a little harder. On top of having his own apartment he now financed an automobile. He named her Jessica, a reason unknown to even him. A 2006 Kia Rio. And with his 21st birthday right around the corner this year was proving to be a big year.

Victor was dreaming of having a big party with cake candles alcohol and friends. But his funds did not allow. He surveyed several of his friend and found tat many of them did something a little more traditional. They went to a bar with a few trusted friends and drank until they didn't know their ass from there elbow.

Victor’s mother encouraged him to abandon his strong hold for a party and even put the idea of just going out with friends in his head. And so he planned.

It was one month before victors lease was up. he loved the apartment and hated his land lord due to her request that rent be paid via money order rent was many times late as the prime place for victor to get one closed before he even got off of work. And until 3 months before he was to move out victor had no car and relied on SEPTA to get around. The poor kid was living from paycheck to pay check just getting by. He was happy though he had his own place and he was allowed to start finding himself. A man trapped by his mother and religion and the thought of what people would think if he started letting the real him show.

But what was the real Victor, Sometimes he did not even know.

Mugged

I know that it may appear strange that I would start the year off with my first blog being about Victor getting mugged but in fact it is the one I am.

On February sixth Victor was mugged. The story is a strange one as victor walked away with everything except a cell phone that was about to kick the bucket.

He was walking home after work late the hour was a half past eight. While talking on his phone in hopes to avoid a confrontation he was struck from behind. He reports as to turning around to acknowledge that is realized he was being followed.

Being only a block away from his residence he felt that it was safe and their was no need to be alarmed. The moment the thought ran through his head it was immediately knocked out when he was struck from behind. With adrenalin pumping, he screamed “Oh my god.” The attackers which were a group of about 5 black males forced him to the ground. At that moment there is no doubt about divine intervention, as Victor could clearly see the men were swinging but each blow missed or landed ever so softly. He called out for help about twice. On of the attackers shouted get of the phone and attempted to grab it. Victor tossed it aside and two went for it. after shouting one more time all fled leaving victor in shock as to what just happened.

Confused and startled victor continued home. Once home he realized his roommate was home but sound asleep. He logged onto aim and told his best friend what had happened. After the exchange of a few words he requested she call his mother to help him deal with the situation.

In the end Victor gave a report to the cops and his mother gave him a stun gun.

In an effort not to let the events of the night ruin his day he took his normal dose of St Johns wart along with his normal vitamins in order to stay happy and blissful through his day.

(Tomorrow check back as we begin the tale of “New to Life” Staring Victor)

I am Titus Sheldon

Welome to Titus Sheldon

I finally decided what this blog will contain. I shall combine four things. 2 of these things will require your comments on. The first of which, the papers I write for school and the second, the plots that I write for movies. The other two simply combine everything else I did and do web based, the fashion blog and my weekly rant about what ever I found to bug me over the pass week, month, year, or life time. So check back soon as I think I shall complete the first week shortly.