Married Liars

It is difficult to find an unattached good man, no matter where you look the ones who are hot and decent are already attached to someone else. Then you have the guys who are so attached that no matter what, they will never come unattached. These are the married men who cheat because, well; they can get away with it. Their lovers or wives or husbands turn a blind eye to what goes on because simply put they will always go home.

This creates a problem in the dating world especially if you are a gay man. You find these guys who say they only want sex but they have no clue as to how to make it just about sex. They introduce some kind of emotion and then make excuses as to why they cannot leave their partner.

Things can get harry with married men, so I avoid it as best as I can, but what does one do when you get involved with a married man for the sake of sex only but they want more?

Recently I allowed myself to enter into that type of relationship. I met a guy who was handsome, great body, well off, and great in bed, the catch, (like with all great things) is he is married to another man. Due to several recent operations his partner could no longer be the bottom in the relationship and being uncompromising said man decided to stay in the relationship and simple get ass from someone else. This was fine by me, I only wanted his dick, no dates, no gifts, nothing but the occasional booty call.

It was not long before I started being asked questions like, “If I was single would you date me?”  Major red flag, I am not a home wrecker. He then started telling me things such as, “You make me feel so good,” and “I want you to know it is not just about sex with you.”

I allowed the affair to continue because as we all know, “He never leaves his wife” or husband in my case. Then the other day I accepted the fact that it would be a while before I would see him as he and his husband were going on vacation together. He then told me he wanted to see me to say hi and see how I was doing, just talk no sex. So I rushed home only to get a text saying, “Haven’t forgotten you, handling a work issue.”  Five hours later when I text him back playfully that it must be a major work issue I got reprimanded for my sarcastic tone. I sent him a text the next day and no response.

I learned a lesson in all of this. I always wondered how people find themselves in a “situation” with married men and the truth of the matter is they never let you think it is just sex. They do their best to hook you in by saying the things that you don’t get to hear all the time. You hear how great you make them feel, they tell you are beautiful,   intelligent, and that you should be attached. Then before you know it you become addicted and you begin to wonder, “if I make you feel this good, why not be with me?”

I failed to get totally hooked, I was enjoying being single, the idea of being a side piece gave me what I truly wanted, sex with no strings attached, and I kept solace in the fact that they never leave what they got at home.

So I close with a tip, if you ever find yourself with a married person, remember no matter what they say it is just sex and if you catch feelings then you need to run. 

Pass the Catch Phrase . . . Oh, and Happy New Year!

His name was John and we met the same way I meet most people in Philadelphia, A4A. We had been texting back and forth for quite some time, we planned on meeting but with the holiday season close by family functions and duties got in the way. We had one major thing in common, we were both unemployed.

I found myself single and completely broke for new years and so I decided to take john up on his offer of cuddling and watching a movie to ring in the New Year. I took my time about getting dressed, did my makeup so it hid only the major things and would not rub off on white sheets and then preceded to my grandmother’s to have dinner.

John later sent me a text to tell me his friends were having a party and I was more than welcomed to go with him if I wanted. I figured it would be best to decided once I met him face to face.

I got his address and was soon on my way. I arrived to his place about 7 and he was really good looking. He so much reminded me of Mr. M it was crazy, mannerisms, voice, his naturally happy demeanor, and his ability to make question constantly in my head if he was a top or a bottom.

We debated for almost half an hour if we would go to the party I was up for it but I had my reservations. One I turned down another party because I had no money to bring a bottle and I feel it is bad form to go to a party and not bring something. But john convinced me it would be a good time so I told him to decide and after a few mind games we were on our way.

The party was in south Philly and the host was not only john’s best friend but a fellow gay. It was as I expected a grown up version of a gay house party. After introductions conversations began and the host’s Dog, Jake started the most interesting conversation I have ever been a part of.

There was a straight couple and they had an interesting pet, a skunk. I thought they were joking but soon the camera came out and we were being shown pictures of the skunk’s house and of course the skunk. I was completely fascinated. They talked about t get a pet skunk and informed us that at 4 weeks they remove the sack they use to spray. It thought it to be a cool idea for a pet after hearing that.

As the night progressed there was mention of a common enemy, a gay guy so gay and dramatic that I could not imagine what he would or could even look like. The stories so unreal and hilarious I could not feel bad for him at all. Every one present had a different story to share and after a while I felt like I was watching an episode of Frasier, and hearing stories about Niles’ wife Maris.

Soon more people arrived and the alcohol started to flow and I felt like part of the party. I was laughing and even telling some of my own stories. Then game time started, this was a group of friends who shared a major common interest, Catch Phrase. I had never played and after tonight that would be a thing of the past.

We played the random version; no score no teams, not for a lack of trying. You would give the clues then toss the electronic hand held to the person who guessed correctly. I don’t if it was the alcohol or the people but it was a supper good time.

Then it was time for fireworks, Philadelphia loves fireworks.  There were several places in south Philly letting off fireworks but this one spot had a huge production going on second only to those let off at Penn’s landing. Several blocks full of people and the countdown began. And hugs and kisses were passed around to the sounds of people shouting happy New Year and oatmeal popping. Brotherly Love as well as sparkles was in the air and I was feeling it strong, once the show was over we began walking back to the party and people were stopping to hug and kiss strangers to say happy new year, and in-between the well-wishing we passed around Catch Phrase to keep the game going.

Once back at the party we added a bottle of champagne to the game, if you were not giving clues you were chugging and passing. By the time we left at 2am I was so drunk. John grabbed us a cab back to his place and all I remember was talk of cuddling a sip of champagne and the opening credits to the bucket list.

The next morning I had a hangover and tried to get my ass in gear but it was not happening. We were invited to go see the mummers march down Broad Street but with us bother suffering it did not happen.

I ended up leaving John’s place around 6pm we spent the day watching movies and talking about the fun parts of our past. John made a great impression on me and his friends were all totally awesome. I truly do hope I get to see them all again and if not it made for one hell of a way to ring in 2013. 

A Long Talk, A Fragile Heart.

Way too often I find myself sitting and thinking about the men in my recent past and present. I wonder how they fit into my future and what lessons I am to learn and should have already learned from them. I think on how I should have let them go, how I should have never taken them seriously and sometimes even how I will enact revenge. I sit and stew on the beatings that I have allowed my poor heart to endure over and over again and ask myself, “What is my Problem?”

Here it was a year since I proclaimed my love for Dr. MeTo and I was sitting at my grandmother’s dinner table depressed because I had had enough of miss communication and text messages proclaiming his love with no follow through. I told him we needed to talk and that it was important. The entire day went by and I heard nothing from him. No text response, no phone call and when I tried to call him no answer.

I decide I was poor company and went back to my house where I began typing a list of all my grievances agents my ex. When I got to the bottom of page one and was starting to feel better my phone rang and it was him.

He explained that he was celebrating the holiday with his family at his brother’s house and his phone was on the charger upstairs. I brushed his excuse off and then asked, “What are we doing?” he knew exactly what I was talking about and proceed to say, “I am not sure.”

We discussed all the hurt I had endured over the past year and more importantly why it hurt. We discussed miss understandings due to poor communication and how much he hated hurting me. We even discussed why the second time around failed and how a third time was even more likely to be doomed.

We were forced to talk about the unmentionable, the fact that we may never get back together and why that would come to pass. The list went on and on and I felt my heart shatter and repair itself more times than I could count. What was intended to be closure now turned out to be more than just that. We decided to proceed from this point with no expectations other than to just be exes who are leaving things up to fate. If by some chance we fell deeply back in love and things put us in the same city so be it.

The conversation soon turned to sex and how much we missed making love to one another. We even tried phone sex but because my heart was not in it, it did not go well but things ended with a bang. The next few days we flirted but I my heart was still trying to catch up to my brain. My emotions do not switch easily like Dr. MeTo’s, but I knew for my sake I had to go along to see if I could allow my heart to forgive him.

There was so much going on in my head and my heart. I was talking to Mr. M about having kids and getting married but I was so uncertain if he was just kidding or serious. I was seeing other people but nothing looked really promising and now I added Dr. MeTo back to the mix which is even more uncertain. My heart was on overload and it eventually just stopped feeling altogether when it came to men.

How does one restart the heart? How do you get it to make the one decision your head cannot, of all the great men in my life, new and old, the rich and not so rich, the incredibly good looking and the average, the charmers and the ass holes. Every guy had his flaws and strengths and all of them left me with the uncertainty of if they could hold and protect my heart.

When it all boils down to it, isn’t that the one thing we want more than anything else? We all want someone to take our heart and hold it and protect it. That truly is the ultimate definition of romance. When you truly fall in love and you see that person you smile not because it is them but because you feel safe no matter what kind of physical or emotional strength they have or how great they are in bed or how much money they have, it is their ability to hold your heart and assure you it is safe in there keep.

It makes me stop and wonder if I have ever found that. I gave my heart to Mr. M but he did not want it, he saw the responsibility it came with and knew he could not handle it. Dr. MeTo tried but he soon saw how overwhelmingly fragile it was and he broke it out of fear.

Then there are the guys I date who say all the right things but when it comes to putting it all in action they trail off. They point out my greatness and ask how I am single. Is there a great flaw I am not seeing? Do I love to easily with a heart that is to fragile? Am I trying too hard to give it away so that I don’t have to deal with it? I used to think that was true but all my exes regret the break up or not taking the chance.

So what is my great flaw, I strongly believe we all have one. From picking the wrong guy, low self-esteem, setting high expectations, getting too complacent, lack of motivation, self-sabotage, putting out to easily, lack of respect for the people we date, emotional baggage, self-projecting on others, and even failure to get the big picture. The big picture, that is ultimately the problem, we allow so many things to get in the way and cloud our judgment that we make mistakes in the grand scheme of things.

So what do I constantly do that prevents me from finding the right guy and avoiding the wrong guy. I try not to have expectations from the guys I date, I believe in chemistry and do not simply go on looks or how a man is connected. I do not give myself readily to men that I see as potential boyfriends and I never portray myself as better than anyone.

The few guys that walked away in the midst of building to the point of a relationship all had the same complaint, I wanted them to change, and when I defended myself and asked for examples there was nothing because I never verbally expressed it, I simply refused to give myself completely until I could see they were willing grow and advance themselves. I wanted to know that the guy wanted more out of life than what he already had, to see that a future was possible. I do not want to get stuck in a never ending cycle of now. Yes I enjoy my present, I go out with friends and have a good time but I never take my eye off my future, I know that my good times are only a break from working towards my goals.

So my great flaw is that without saying a word I demand a lot from the people I date, I am supportive in the goals they express and strive to be a rock for the ones I love. I give a lot to the people that matter to me and all I ever ask is that they not do the same for me but do it for those that matter to them. These men have all shown a great capacity to love and give and that is ultimately what attracts me to them. It was not my selfishness but a view of the big picture that we could help each other help our loved ones, the big picture is that I want a man that can do great things because I know what I am capable of and together we can accomplish a lot.

Mr. M was a spoiled rotten self-proclaimed princess and Dr. MeTo could never see beyond achieving his own goals no matter who was helping him, only his things mattered when it came to dividing his time.  I watched as they both grew and have become far from selfish and are actually giving time and energy to help others.

Sometimes I do follow my dick like any other man but I soon get bored and go look for substance. My heart is fragile because it has been hurt a lot in the past due to my once lack for self-esteem. I demand greatness from those in my life and I have high expectations for myself, personally, professionally and socially.

My greatest flaw is the fact that I have focused way too much on love and looking for Mr. Right when I should have kept focus on developing the perfect career and allowing Mr. RightNow to simply be a temporary good time just as I do a night of drinking with friends. So my heart has suffered at my lack of focus as well as where I am in life and I have no one to blame but my own poor ranking of priorities. It takes two for a relationship and all I can do from this point forward is not allow my want for romance to consume me to the point that it is my main focus but to simply give guys who request a chance a fair audience and continue with my life, just like M and MeTo.

Happy New Year, to all my Readers!!!

May 2013 bring Health and Happiness to you all. 

My Merry Christmas!

The holidays were spent with family and were oh so awesome. My aunt went overboard with the gifts and made a lot of people happy.

I spent Christmas Eve night at my mother’s per her request. It her boyfriend her and myself my sister went to bed early because she had to work in the morning. It was surprised to find that my mom’s boyfriend who I shall refer to as Daemon, hit off for real we spent hours at the table talking and enjoyed the seafood feast that my mother had prepared. Mom and I spent a lot of the night poking fun of one another all in good fun. She refused to let me turn the lights on so that when Daemon arrived, the only light in the dining room and living room was from the decorations.

The next morning Daemon and I awoke to the smell of coffee and cinnamon rolls, a tradition for my family but something new and exciting for him. Once I was showered and dressed like an elf it was time to help mother cook for our traditional family brunch. I still find it odd that it is held at my mom’s house and my grandmother is not the one in the kitchen frying chicken, but it’s the natural order and as hard as it is, when everyone arrived I could see that she lived on in all of our hearts.

Brunch was a huge hit, my mom controlled herself and did not go overboard, thus allowing her time to sit, eat and enjoy here company. Mother had invited people from her church as well as our family so it was a big party which I could not help trying to make people feel welcome and laugh. There were lots of laughs from everyone. It was a Christmas truly about family, friends and having a good time around food.

Soon it was time for dinner and so I had to head over to my father’s mother and have dinner as tradition dictated. I opened my gifts from my aunt and grandmother, played with my youngest cousin and pigged out on all traditional black southern fair. To my surprise my sister stopped by to say hi and we decided to go to the house of my oldest aunt on my mom’s side.

My aunt had made dinner and so my sister were down for eating again, not to mention I told my aunt that I was planning on eating as much as I could this holiday.

It was late but it was loads of fun watching my second cousin play with here jeep and a friend of the family play with her kitchen set. The food was awesome as well. I decided to eat some ham but I regretted it in the morning. I told everyone I had to get home to watch the Doctor Who Christmas special. It was a sweet ending to an awesome day.

While I awoke with a headache the next day I was full of joy to the point that I played some Christmas music. It was one of the best Christmases ever. 

Merry Christmas

 Merry Christmas 

Here is hopping that your holiday is GAY and Bright!

Thursday's Troubles

Thursday night was my last acting class of the semester. I spent the whole day studying my monologue which I had to recite in front of the class for my final exam. On my way to class I saw a classmate of mine who would soon become a good friend on the phone. By the few words that I could hear I knew it had to do with here recent breakup.

In class my teacher was late and I used the extra time to study some more. My classmate sat next to me and I could tell the tears were ready to burst but she held them back. Once my teacher arrived one by one people volunteered or were called on to give their monologue. When I was called I panicked and it took me 4 tries to get it all out and even then I botched it.

My classmate went last and she used her emotion to bring the house down. I knew it was not just an act and when she sat down the tears continued. I gave her time and rubbed her back. I then asked if she wanted to go for a walk and she was quick to say yes and gathered her things.

I knew I did not want to pry I just wanted to be there for here. From all the interactions that we have had before I could tell she was a good person and she always came off as a sweet heart despite here sometimes intimidating exterior.

As soon as we got outside she began to tell me everything and we then went for drinks at her request. Over shots of Johnny Walker black and screwdrivers she shed tears and poured her heart out to me. I had always been told that people found me to be a safe person to talk to but it still surprises me when people tell me some of the most intimate things because they feel immediately comfortable.

It was not long before the tears stopped and we were dissecting problems and situations. I was able to give feedback based on my last break up and how badly the person made me feel. We soon both realized that at the root of all of our hurt was the fact that we were disrespected and the people responsible failed to see why, or how.

The night ran on and I assured my friend that I was there for her and I had nothing else to do. We soon threw other topics into the mix and began learning about each other as people. I had known from day one that this person was not only special but someone that I could learn from and because I kept an open mind and then decided to be there for her, I know have another friend.

I do not know why some people fail to see that a lack of caring or even the appearance of not caring causes a lot of pain to the person they are in a relationship with. This pain is not just felt initially but for a long time after the relationship is over. It is a lot like the chicken pox virus, the symptoms may go away but the virus still remains and can come back to cause big problems in a person’s life. And from what I have been through I know the only real cure, the one that can heal the person and help prevent them from holding others accountable for their ex’s wrong doings is  a heartfelt apology.

It will not undo the hurt and pain but it will make getting past it a lot easier and more permanent. 

The Weekend, Friends and Things.

I totally spaced and missed the best part of First Friday, I did however remember that Icon was hosting an event at Bike Stop and managed to attend. Much to my surprise 30 minutes late was still early and I of course dressed the part wearing a plaid shirt and grey skinny jeans. Apparently this made me look like a top and I had to spend a good chunk of the night running from a drunken drag queen that could not figure out I was not interested in anything that looked like a girl.

The event with the exception of the friends that showed was a disappointment. The DJ was downright terrible; most of the people on the dance floor spent most of the night looking at one another in shock because there was no flow. Imagine hearing Beyoncé’s Single Ladies and then the remix to some monk’s meditation music. That was the whole night. At some point all my friends left and or disappeared and so I bid a farewell to Icon and left.

I was going to go home but the night was still young and so I figured I would stop by Tabu where I ran into one of my favorite bartenders and he mixed up a drink called Marijuana. He assured me it would get me, “Fucked up” and boy was he right I ended up staying till last call because I was so tipsy. His wife showed up with pizza and between that and the cookies that came in from the Harrison Ford movie I was full and began sobering up.

I took the 42 home and crashed in bed. It felt like I was only sleep for an hour before my mother called me to remind me I promised I would come over, then my grandmother called and I was officially awake. I showered and dressed and was on my way to Mom’s.

It was fun hanging out with my mother we watched Everybody Loves Raymond while she decorated a cake for a client. She even tried a new recipe called Wheat Pie which was interesting but not something she would ever bother making again. After the cake was picked up she drove me home and I got dressed to go meet my friend Al.

I met Al February 12^th 2009 a date that is significant for only one reason, it was Dr. MeTo and my 1^st Monthiversary, to celebrate MeTo took me to a restaurant in New Brunswick called Old Man Rafferty's. I don not recall much except the way the place looked, the chicken fingers, Meeting Al and Diego and that everyone except me shared an order of calamari.  

Al is a bit like me he loves the social scene and is anything but a stereotype. My first encounter was far from my last he and I was instant friends and enjoyed each other’s company. Al and I both were part of a biracial couple and soon after MeTo and I split for the last time so did Al and his long term boyfriend.

So Al was coming to Philly to see me and he brought two of his friends. As the night progressed it was made clear that these two guys were not friends. There was a 21 year old and a guy in his 30s both attractive and both claiming to be tops who wanted Al to be a bottom. I saw drama coming and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Soon everyone was drunk and emotions were flying high.

Touchy feely and someone got angry. To which I had to explain to Al what was going on and how to fix it. I assisted and things went well and meal at the Empire Dinner later everyone was in a good mood and I sent them off as I waited for the bus.

One would agree that the freaks come out at night is a bit of an understatement if you had seen all the crazy stuff I saw while waiting for the 42. I was ever so happy when Icon walked past me and I got him to stop so we could chat, he had performed at Tabu but because I was at Tavern on Cormack with Al and crew, and Icon’s phone had died I did not get the message.

We chatted for a while and I remembered to get back the necklaces I lent him which he had  given me a year ago. The drag queen that was hitting on me the night before got the message that we were both bottoms and that I was into someone else.

Thursday night I was on A4A and I checked out my recent visitors. It was the typical bottoms and guys whom I was happy that chose not bother to message me except this one guy. His profile seemed cool so I sent him a smile which turned into a conversation. Soon numbers were exchanged and I was now telling Icon about the conversation I had on my way to the Gayborhood. Icon then told me about his guy and how things were progressing and we hugged in hopes that the two of us would finally get what we deserved, a boyfriend who cared.

I took the 21 home and spent Sunday texting the same ole guys and cleaning my room. The night ended on the phone with someone who was actually putting in as much effort as I was. I find it interesting this guy makes no claims to love me or want to spend the rest of his life with me but manages to call me in hopes of seeing where things go while MeTo sends me a text that he misses me and even after I have asked him to call, nothing. 

Fried Green Tomatoes

There have been a good number of men who have shown an interest lately. I want to say it is all because of the change in season, with summer gone men are looking for someone who is going to be there to tend to their emotional needs via cuddling and going on real dates. But a part of me likes to think it is because I finally created a profile that makes guys curious as to whom I am.

This all proved true on my most recent date with Jack. Jack and I have been sending text back and forth for a few weeks and due to my work schedule it was hard for us to meet but I finally lost my job and had time to spare. So he offered to take me to dinner and I could not help but say yes. He had sent me a pic and he was quite the good looking older Afro-American man.

He came and picked me up after school and we went to a place called Devils Alley. It was the perfect spot for a first date. It was casual with a mixed crowd. Our waitress was everything one could ask for in a waitress and the menu offered lots of options but one thing caught my eye, fried green tomatoes.

I was always fearful of trying a friend green tomato. I saw the movie several times and the idea of eating a cooked tomato just seemed odd as I hated eggplant. I wondered if the texture was going to be the same but the waitress assured me that it was delicious and one of her favorite things on the menu. We placed our order and the conversation commenced.

We talked about everything from work to school, my most recent job loss, and of course me. He made it quite clear he liked what he saw and was enjoying the conversation. I did my best to convey the same without actually throwing myself at him. At one point in the conversation I noticed I almost started talking about MeTo because of the topic and then I thought about something MeTo once said to me. MeTo had told me how he would go on dates and wish it were me. I took a brief moment to think about MeTo and noticed there was no comparison. MeTo, Mr. M, and this guy, all different and each brought something different to the table. 

Jack was extremely charming and flirtatious and it made me feel special, something another guy had not done in quite some time. Typically when I date a black guy the focus is always on sex and I am normally far from attracted because they lack one or more of my major three. It is all about them telling me I am hot so they can sleep with me. This guy relished talking to me and the night was about enjoying each other’s time and company.

My entree was not what I expected but due to the fact I was not feeling to well and having drank too much ginger ale I was full.  When the night was over he drove me home and the flirting continued. When I was leaving the car he expressed that he was unsure if he should kiss me because of my neighbors. I leaned in and kissed him, a nice thank you for dinner kiss.  I noticed he did not pull off till I was in the house, another oddity, most guys pull away the moment I get out the car.

Once in the house I noticed he reminded me of two other men I knew. He reminded me of an extroverted version of my late uncle Darryl, he exuded cool. And the other guy he reminded me of was my current fuck buddy, the way conversing was easy and the fact that he was clearly a well off man of color the only difference from him and my fuck buddy, Jack is single. 

To All my Jewish Readers, Friends, and Allies

1. Ba-ruch A-tah Ado-nai E-lo-he-nu Me-lech ha-olam a-sher ki-de-sha-nu be-mitz-vo-tav ve-tzi-va-nu le-had-lik ner Cha-nu-kah.

2. Ba-ruch A-tah Ado-nai E-lo-he-nu Me-lech Ha-olam she-a-sa ni-sim la-avo-te-nu ba-ya-mim ha-hem bi-zman ha-zeh.

3. Ba-ruch A-tah Ado-nai E-lo-he-nu Me-lech Ha-olam she-heche-ya-nu ve-ki-yi-ma-nu ve-higi-a-nu liz-man ha-zeh.

Decisions

In the midst of adjusting to my dating life and trying not to balance it with my already crazy social schedule there were two things I was doing a poor job of letting go, ignoring or just explaining myself to. The two people who some would call my great loves or better known as Dr. MeTo and Mr. M.

Mr. M and I had made a half serious pack that if we are both still single when I turn 29 we would get married. It was all based on the fact that we both want to have kids and want to do it with a partner. It may seem strange but we are both sure that if given proper effort that feelings we have towards each other could bloom into the kind of love that creates the perfect environment to raise children.

While Dr. MeTo has no knowledge of said pack, he is still willing to do all in his power to prevent it from ever coming to fruition. I had been receiving text and Facebook message from him declaring his love and how much he misses me. They soon started coming at the most inopportune times like while I was in class or on a date. I had had it it was the same pattern he would send me text and I would begin to think about giving him a second chance and he would disappear from life again.

He then sent me a message on Facebook and we went back and forth until it just stopped. I then found out that I was out of a job, Jar Bar was closing the doors to the main location. This was bad news after not working for a whole week and I needed money badly.

I reached my stress limit and began dealing with each problem with no regard to how anyone else was going to feel. For MeTo I used “Spicy Revenge,” and “I Used Pepper to Take It Back,” to demonstrate how I felt and hoped that in it all he would see the big picture. As for work I called my mother to get some leads because Cups and Chairs was not an option.

I then went out with Patrick. I had met Patrick back in august and it was an odd date. We met at Tabu had dinner and he then joined my friends and I for drinks and dancing and I made the mistake of going home with him. He was a former bottom, he gave poor head and when he pulled out dildos I quickly sobered up. He was over 40 and wore Aeropostale the fact that he lived far away was the final straw but I could not bring myself to tell him I was far from interested, considering I sort of slept with the guy.

So I figured I would tell him the next time I saw him and sure enough he did his best to get me drunk and with me only pretending to be in a good mood the drinks melted my façade and when he asked me back to his hotel room I was quick to come up with an excuse. We parted ways and I spent the rest of the

night with my friends. I later sent him a text saying I could not date him due to my feelings for my ex, I was happy that it was the truth.

I walked home thinking about all my exes and somehow posted to Facebook that I had a shitty day.  

Mr. M was there for me and said all the right things, almost three thousand miles away and he somehow managed to always make time for me when I needed advice or just someone to listen. Then I was shocked when Ramon called to see how I was doing and he too did his best to get me out of my bad case of the reds.  

The next day I began writing and decided to take a break from dating. When I sat to write I realized I had a lot to write about. It is funny after almost a year of not writing I had more than enough.

When MeTo read my blog post he became angry and told me he was done with me and i tried calling and he refused to pick up his phone. I then went to my comp and spent the rest of the day writing. My friend David then decided taking me out to dinner would be good for me and so out I went.

I wasted no time in making myself look my best, my rule is you can feel like shit so long as you look Fabulous. Skinny Jeans and my favorite necklace and it was out for sushi, then gelato and drinks at Tabu.

Emotionally I should have went home when my friend did but I then met up with Andre and we drank at Bike Stop and that is where I met Tom. Tom was an older business owner and while he wanted my friend I knew he had no chance so I allowed him to buy me drink and we went outside a few time to smoke and I was feeling great so I allowed him to take me back to his place. It was over before I knew it and I was soon back home in my own bed alone.

The next Day Icon took me to Woody’s where I got drunk again and someone stole my scarf. MeTo called me and I ran outside to take the call. He sounded neither angry nor hurt. It was a brief conversation that left me hoping he would forgive me and that someday we could talk and express all the hurt that was now between us.

The next day I stayed home pondering a complicated question, “What do you do when you are in love with two people?

Do I . . .

• a)      Patch things up with Dr. MeTo and hope he takes me back
• b)      Try my luck at trying to get back with Mr. M
• c)       Continue dating and see where life takes me.

I think we know which one makes the most since. 

------

New Bed, Old Habits

The time came when I was finally able to afford a real bed. With excitement I went and purchased a mattress set and the bed I was eying at Ikea. A week later my room was all set up with curtains, bed set, and finally Verizon FiOS.

I had noticed that I was repeating some old habits, mainly sleeping on my old one third of the bed and the same side that I slept on when I was with Dr. MeTo. Recently I decided that there was no need to keep to old sleeping habits. Even my subconscious begged me to change my habits. I would wake to find my head on the other side of the bed and my legs here they were when I feel asleep.

Finally the day came when I changed sides of the bed all together. I slept on the other side of the bed but my subconscious remained unsatisfied and I woke in the middle of the bed. Was my subconscious trying to tell me something other than the fact I needed to stop ACTING like I am in a relationship?

 I had to make the conscience admission to myself that I want to sleep on one side because at some point I would be back in a relationship. In the reality of it all I needed to enjoy the word of dating and not focus on the end result.

Last nigh I just hopped in the bed tried to spread from corner to corner and fell asleep. When I woke up, no bad dreams and I awoke in the same position. 

Life of Pi

I met JJ the way that I meet most of my guys and it took only two messages before numbers were exchanged and we were communicating via phone. Then Saturday came around and I was invited to the movies. As odd as it was, I allowed him to pic the movie and the theater. He chose Life of Pi at some theater in NJ and I went along.

We talked and I was not physically to attracted to him but the more he talked and the more I learned about him the more I was fascinated and knew I wanted a second date.

As for the movie I was pleasantly surprised. I kept thinking that I was going to be bored much like I thought about my date but like my date the movie was awesome. So I have added JJ to the guys worth dating list. 

To Be, or Not To Be?

Before I made the decision to date there was one guy who seemed he wanted to spend a lot of time with me. He worked at Woody’s when we finally met in person and after our initial meeting we would bump into each other in the Gayborhood and make out sessions would commence.

I thought it was a younger guy thing. I had always dated older guys up to this point and every man I dated would wait till we were secluded before going in for a kiss. I felt like I was in High School again, except this time I was making out with a guy. Soon he quit his job and his fallback fell through and we saw less of each other.  

Each meeting was the same until one night he actually came home with me and I was disappointed. He went from being this masculine tall guy with a mini af fro that I had made out with before to having micros which did not suite him. The sex was boring, it was no fun and felt like it was just going to go all night so I went to sleep.

I latter contacted him about hanging out and he told me he now had a boyfriend. I found it odd that this guy had a boyfriend. We had talked and he was not looking for anything serious and he was not going out because he did not have a job and he still had no job but now he was serious about someone else. He gave me the whole I hope we can be friends thing. I thought about it, to be friends or not to be. Here is a guy who has little time for anyone, no job, and suddenly a boyfriend.

The old me would have tried to maintain a relationship the new me, decided to write him off.  

A Second Date?

So the really cute younger guy Bachelor #1 who shall be known as Johnny, finally had time for me. We mad plans to go to his place and hang out. It was interesting as we kept in touch but for some reason our talk of sex had dwindled down to just an occasional text about each other’s days and occasionally we asked about seeing each other again. Thanksgiving had put a cramp on our schedules and made coordinating a block of time difficult but we managed and thus decided to take advantage.

I met him on the trolley and we hung out at his place and I was shocked to realize that I had talked myself up in the sex department more than I normally do. It made me fear that I had left no surprises. But when he kissed me I knew I was in trouble. He was quite the kisser and reminded me of a certain someone.  Things were quickly taken to the bedroom and before I knew it I was naked. With having talked myself up I had to live up to the hype and I had to put in more work than I normally do but it was worth it.

Afterwards he got a text that his roommate was coming home so we put on our clothes and headed to the living room where I helped him get reception for his television and we resumed watching football. He found the game boring so he went to make dinner.

After offering me something to drink he then told me I could keep him company in the kitchen, if I was bored. After having dealt with someone similar I knew what it meant and so I wasted no time going to the kitchen where we talked and get to know one another better.  

Dinner was tasty and we learned a lot about one another and I was pleased to find that I only found him more attractive and easier to get along with than initially thought.

When I left I was unsure to kiss him or what, it had been a long time since I dated. I thought I would leave it up to him and so there was no kiss and no hug but I still feel it was my fault.

When I first started this dating thing I remember hoping to find some guy that would sweep me off my feet or make me fall in love. I knew I didn’t want to rush anything with anyone but I still wanted only one guy who I spent a good chunk of time with. 

Damn Grindr

I have to admit Icon was right, Grindr is a useless app. I met Bachelor #2 via Grindr. His age should have been a red flag but being the masochist that I am, I went along for the ride.

Dick hit me up and he seemed like a nice guy so I gave him my number and on the phone he sounded like he could be good looking. He wanted to meet the next day and I told him I would get back to him. When the next day arrived I was a bit of a mess.

I woke up horny and potential FB#2 hit me up. He came over and his looks and mannerisms were a disappointment, overgrown nails, baggy clothes and ashy heels. I had to offer him a tissue before he wiped his nose. There was no kissing but when I saw his dick I was willing to take this one for a test drive.  He requested doggie and I was happy to oblige. We went for a good while changing between doggie and me on my stomach but when I asked to get on my back he told me these were the only two positions he could do it in. I was now annoyed and wanted him to hurry the heck up.

At one point the condom came off and he tried to fuck me raw, I of course stopped him and offered him a new one. I made sounds and motions to speed things up and when I told him I wanted him to cum he said, “I can’t nut with this condom on, can I take it off and get a few pumps?” I responded, “Safe only!”

He continued but I don’t know what for, I was completely fucking annoyed and it was not long before he could not keep an erection, but like a dumbass he kept trying to  put it in. Soon he gave up. I cleaned up and he left. I was pissed he begged me to fuck him and when I finally gave in, he sucked.  I then put on my favorite porn and using my pink friend I finished the job that FB#2 failed to complete.

An hour later I was back on A4A just browsing and potential FB#1 was on. He hit me up and asked for my number. We talked it up and made plans to meet but there was an issue, he wanted to go raw and when I told him I only play safe he tried to pressure me so I said I’ll think about it. I do not know about these black guys, they all want to go raw with a guy they do not know, ergo they are at the top of my, Do Not Trust, list.

I then get a call from Dick asking if we could meet, I made up a cock and bull story about going to see a friend perform. I never did see FB#1 and it was for the best.

Reset P2 Dating

To be one hundred percent honest, this whole dating thing happened by accident. I was honestly looking for a good fuck buddy. I wanted a guy that I could count on for a GOOD roll in the hay, and to my surprise it was a lot harder to find, than one might think.

I went from guys with little dicks that did nothing in bed but lay there to guys who were well endowed but were not one timers or only wanted to go raw. Sorry but fuck buddies are only buddies if we are playing safe and for me I am not a size queen lack of a big ship can be compensated by the ways that it makes. So for a hot min I gave it all up until there was that itch and A4A, came back into play.

So this time last year I was a rules guy and I had a good number of dates err, make that pre dates but all of them were lack luster so this year I threw caution to the wind and said, “just do what feels good.”

I won’t say I rewrote the book on dating but I definitely did write my own, borring slightly from our friends in Sex and the City. Here are my rules. .  .

1. 1.       Keep the back and forth emails and text to a minimum meet ASAP, if he is hesitant cut him off all together.
2. 2.       If I want to have sex with them I do, just be prepared to be only fuck buddies or to never see them again.
3. 3.       If I like there personality, analyze. Do I like them as a friend or is it that they are turning me on sexually.
4. 4.       Keep game play to a minimal, use only to test initial interest. Use for no other reason.
5. 5.       Don’t come off as needy or desperate.
6. 6.       Be casual and make sure they know you are cool with just being friends
7. 7.       Last but not least, if he is hot and you both only want to be friends revert back to the tried and true rules of dating, chances are you both will find each other boyfriend material.

It was following these rules that I met Bachelor #1. I thought we were only going to be friends but fait had other plans.

I met him like I meet most guys, via A4A and we swapped phone numbers and began what I thought was the beginning to a cool friendship. We were into texting and had some lengthy conversations via text.

My mother had upgraded her phone and after work I went to activate it on my line and while waiting for the trolley I fiddled with trying to learn the device. When I got home I got a text asking if I took the trolley. Naturally I responded with a simple yes and just like that what was going to be a simple friendship became a, “let’s see where this can go.”  He apparently liked how I looked in person and thus struck a nerve.

We made plans to bump into one another on purpose and I too liked what I saw. A Friday night at my favorite spot, Tabu and by accident he met most of my friends and we spent the night chatting away. He got major kudos and I had to admit I was slightly smitten. 

It Is Part Of a Process!

So there are these two other guys both cute smart and opinionated. Guy number one I met online when I first moved back to Philadelphia. We flirted via text a lot but I soon got bored with an electronic relationship and dropped him by the way side. Then there is Guy number 2 who I met recently and he talked a big game via text about me sitting on his face a various other sexual acts but when we met in person at his place to do said acts we ended up watching a movie, talking and throwing playful shade.

I have made it a rule that I will never make the first move when it comes to meeting for just sex and it has been a rule that has worked well for me. It this encounter with guy number two I found him not only physically attractive but I found myself extremely attracted to him for almost everything about  him. He had a dry since of humor and his likes and dislikes were unique and fascinating. We had a time window and before I knew it the window closed and it was time for me to go.

After I left I sent him a text to ask why he did not make a move and I was told it was because he was shy, another thing I found attractive. I told him my rule and why I had such a rule and he respected it. We continue to talk and I definitely would live to have more than just a physical encounter with him, but we will see what happens.

As for guy number one he is a bit too demanding and one of those, “Let’s play by MY rules,” type of guys. For starters this is the third time we have been on this path. And there have already been three incidents.

Incident number one, he asked for nude pictures of me.  I have a rule where I do not send nude pictures to men I have yet to meet. Too often guys will take your number and you will send nude pictures back and forth only to never meet and eventually to never hear from them again. If you want to see me naked then come see me naked other than that, deal with what everyone else gets to see. I mean why should I give you a preview? If we had met in a bar you would have had two options, take me home and get me naked or not.

When he realized I was not sending him nude shots I explained why and he became offended that he was being treated like every other guy and not made to feel special. Sorry but I feel if you want to be treated special then treat special. If I have known you via text for over a year and we never meet in person then I have no reason to treat you like I will.

Incident number two, he told me he does not go out at night yet I was at Tabu one evening and there he was. I had chosen to send him a text indicating I saw him and could not to deny it. We sent a few text back and forth and when I told him he could come over and say hi nothing so I asked if he left and a Yes ended the nights communications.

Incident number three, we made plans to meet. He had to work and I had the day off, and I had already learned from prior experiences not to put much stock in this guy and so I got laid about mid-day by my a new fuck buddy. I then decided I needed to shower and wash my hair  I got a text around 6:30 asking what I was doing and I was almost done my hair so I told him, doing my hair. He told me that he would be home around 7 and so I figured that gave me a little time. Once I was done my hair and dressed I sent him a text stating I was on my way and I needed his address. He then responded angrily asking why I waited two hours to respond. I looked at my watch and it was not even 8 yet. I decided to apologize for not giving him an ETA and made other plans for my evening.

This guy is an odd one and you may ask, “Why do you keep talking to him?” Well I find him to be cute and most times his text make me laugh or he says really nice things and so before I write him off all together like most gay men do after one MINOR incident I figure I will meet him in person first and then decide. 

Stayed tuned for more about them later. 

I Used Pepper to Take It Back

I knew what I was doing when I wrote “Spicy Revenge.” It was not that MeTo had made me angry to the point of really wanting to commit murder, just that I was fed up trying to explain myself to him. The hurt and disrespect was in abundance when it came from him. I used to have a list of pros and cons and all the cons with the exception of maybe two were extremely superficial. But after the past year my con list had gotten so long and everyone I went to for advice could not help but agree this guy was not seeing the picture.

I stood by him during everything, getting his PhD, breaking up with the guy he should not have been with, ignoring me for three day straight when I needed him, his nightmares from childhood events, his thinking he had HIV and even going back to school again. All I asked for was a 60 second phone call saying that he loved me or a text saying, “thinking about you, will call you when I can.” Instead I got phone calls complaining and days where I did not hear from him at all and months of him not visiting. I thought maybe I was doing something wrong and that my friends were being blast.  

I asked his aunt and she agreed that he was being unfair, I asked other people who I thought would be more on his side than mine and they too agreed he was simply unfair. So it finally came down to the point where I no longer wanted to be in a relationship that made me sad, that made me wake up and frown at the sun and reach for my chest in hopes that the touch of my own hand would ease the pain of my heavy heart.

I called him three times suggesting we take a break or break up and he convinced me each time that he would try harder only to resume life as usual the next day and no change or effort shown for weeks and so I gave him an ultimatum. I told him to change things by mid-July or we were done and mid-July came and went and it was the end of July I called things off. Suddenly he was full of grief begging me not to call things off, I had to break up with him via text because he never answered his phone claiming to be too busy but now he had hours to waste calling me and telling me I was being unreasonable that he was still dealing with the first time I broke up with him.

He dated another person in that time and then used said person to break my trust and then did nothing to try and rebuild that trust. I was shocked that when I pleaded for change he did nothing but he was asking for yet another chance in his own way and because it was denied I was at fault.

And so I stood my ground and refused to take him back. For the rest of the summer friends and family asked if I would ever take him back and I told them if I am single when he is finished school then I would think about it then.

The summer continued with him asking me back he even managed to find time to come visit and take me out. During his visit it started great but I soon saw the old him the one that could not just have fun for a night, he counted every dime that was spent. I did not hold it agents him but I refused to allow myself to jump right back in.

Soon our so called friendship was maintained via text and Facebook; one would think as I was still paying his cell phone he would call once in a while. He then called when he was ready to upgrade his phone which required that I change my entire plan, but because I made him a promise I felt obligated to stand by it. The new plan had each line costing $80. He only gave me thirty for his even when I was struggling to pay the bill he refused to pay more than 80 and when the phone was cut off until I had the money to pay the bill he went to the store and takes his number off. There was an oversight on my part he was still an administrator on the account from when we were engaged and without telling me, he was legally able to take his number.

So now I lost my upgrade, was stuck with a reconfigured cell phone plan and a past due bill for two phones. I never got an apology just an excuse that he could not go without a phone. It hurt deeply because he knew I had rent, phone bill, transportation, tuition, and all the other bills an adult has to pay all on my own without help and he only had transportation to pay.

He continued to send text proclaiming his love and I asked him to stop, that I was angry with him and needed time to get over that anger. He refused to give me any time; he sent text and messages on Facebook.

Then I made it to my limit. I had gotten to the point where I was dating again and things were friendly with MeTo and I. things were good for a month and then he starts sending text that he misses me and wants to see me and that he was going to come down to see me soon. Things that I knew were unrealistic because I knew his schedule. I asked him to stop making promises he could not keep. I still had feelings for him and he seemed to pray on that hopping I would take him back.

So I called him out. I told him not to contact me unless he had time to finish a conversation. He began attacking my character and I was left defending myself. I became angry that he continued this back and forth via Facebook and text. How could he not have the decency to call? I told him to stop texting me it is disrespectful.

When I tried to call him nothing, and after talking to a friend it dawned on me I wanted him to feel how he made me feel. For a whole year he said one thing but his actions made me feel cheap, used, and worthless. What do you do with something that is useless? You throw it away or if it’s a person you kill them.

In my heart of hearts I did not want MeTo dead I wanted him to fell that I felt he was worthless and so a murder fantasy he would surly read. I knew if he read it he would hate me but it was more important for me to lose him forever feeling how he made me feel than for us getting back together and taking the fact that he was forgiven lightly.

Last night MeTo left me a message and at the end he insulted me. When I tried calling him back no answer. I tired several times today and after maybe 7 calls a text, “I read you most recent blog, were done.” He does not want to be with someone who can write such a violent story about him. And so here is my defense.

When you are told not to poke the bear, or get in his cadge, or to approach him it is with good reason. I warned MeTo that my feelings towards him were making me unstable. He blamed it all on me and told me to go deal with it. All I ever wanted was for him to just say, “I am sorry I hurt you, Sorry that I did not treat you how I said you deserved to be treated.” I kept getting excuses and him asking me to take him back. I loved him to the point I put myself at risk and he could never just give a simple apology. He never stopped to ask if I was ok before sending his text which managed to arrive while I was on a date or being told that I no longer had a job. He never made it so I could just deal with what was on my plate he had to add more, the emotions of him hurting me because what he had to deal with was more important than his boyfriend or as he put it “The man who has his heart forever.”

I suffered from low self-esteem and he waited till after I corrected that to treat me how I used to think I deserved to be treated with his parents and brother backing him up. And so my story was a safe way to make them all pay for the hurt while never actually hurting them or experiencing the unthinkable.  

I am not sorry that I wrote the story, I am sorry that I fell in love with Dr. MeTo, because no matter how hard I try I cannot erase him from my heart, not even with pepper. 

Spicy Revenge

My husband was borne to play the role. To everyone we were the perfect couple but I knew that the farce could not last forever. My husband was so convincing that at times I thought that he honestly believed we were happy. I gave indications that I was unhappy but he chose to ignore them. And so I devised a plan that would release me from this sorry excuse of a marriage once and for all.

There was one thing my husband could not resist no matter how angry he was with me and that was my cooking. Time spent in the kitchen was the only happy time I had. It was where I could create masterpieces that allowed me to shine. I could go in the kitchen with the sole intention to bake cookies and before I knew it friends would be invited over and a party would commence because I got carried away.

My time in the kitchen and the parties that it created are what made me grin and bear the horrible marriage. One may ask why I hated my husband so intensely and the answer is simple, no matter how much I elaborated on how I felt and how the things he did hurt me, his actions never aligned with his words. He would apologize and proclaim his love for me but when I needed him, he was never there. When he needed me I moved heaven and earth to be there and if I failed to do so he would use every word he could think of to try and make me feel guilty.

So to the kitchen I went and devised several meals for the week based on is likes. It was how I started every Sunday. I then put together my shopping list and went to A&P. on my return home I began cooking Sunday dinner. His parents were coming over and as I was mixing and sautéing he came in to ask when I was going to do the laundry. I had failed to do the laundry the day before because I was in bed with a migraine headache. I typically do laundry Fridays after work but it was a rough week so instead of coming straight home I went out dancing with some friends.

I looked at him smiled and said I will put a load in after I put the roast in the oven. The moment he walked out I looked to the food that laid before me and with the garlic and flour I poured on my contempt and anger, I added my heartache and malice to ensure that every bite was bitter.

When his parents arrived I was pulling the second load of laundry out the dryer while waiting for the cake to cool. With eager joy everyone sat at the table and I smiled and served. They all thought it was delicious but after one bite I could taste the bitterness of the emotions I poured on the roast beef and the contempt I added to the mashed potatoes and the hopelessness that was on the string beans. The cake was no better I gaged when the taste of spite hit the back of my throat.

I simply told everyone I was not feeling to well and that seemed to work as he and his parents were to busy stuffing their faces to question. I knew that if I was to continue cooking this way I was going to have to prepare a separate dish for myself and if it meant feeling better than it was worth it.

Monday was normally left overs but I was feeling so light hearted from Sunday that I raced home to try a new recipe, steak pie. I would use what was left of the roast and add a few more things. As the pie crust whirled together in my food processor I threw in a touch of bitterness. As the slices of roast beef simmered in the gravy I added hatred and when I put it all together and slid it in the oven I scowled which slowly turned to a smile as the oven door closed.

When I served him his dinner he complained it was t spicy I simply apologized for my heavy use of pepper although I did not use any kind of spicy seasonings.

The next day was a simple chicken with spinach and coli flour with brownies for dessert. I used frustration and melancholia. He complained it was too salty. I looked him in the eye hoping he would catch the insincerity of my apology but it went unnoticed but as the week went on I used the same recipes as I always did except I substituted salt and pepper for every ill feeling and emotion I had ever had since I got into this marriage. I forced him to taste the effecting sting of what his lack of caring did until Sunday I did not cook at all.

I sat on the couch watching TV, I told him I was depressed, he asked when dinner was and I told him I was not up to cooking, he told me that he had invited his parents and his brother over and I stood my ground I was not cooking. I stayed in my robe and had my big Winnie the Pooh mug full of coffee and watched all the shows I recorded on my DVR.

When his family arrived I got dressed and we ordered pizza. I looked up to catch evil looks from him and his family. The only one who managed to fake any kind of concern was his father, he asked how my job and family were in hopes it would give some indication to why I was depressed and did not cook. I simply smiled and said I everyone and everything was fine and that I was simply having an off day.

The moment the house was clear I went back to the couch where my husband tried to join me. I smiled and said I could really use some alone time he looked at me and said he had nothing else to do.  We had not had sex since Monday and he only had time for me when he either wanted sex or could think of nothing better to do. This was the point where he would talk of being concerned for me and tell me how much he loved me in hopes that things would go back to how they were. I would normally give in or express the same things that I had expressed for the past three years and then things would return to normal.

This time I decided to go to the kitchen and make brownies. It was nothing special just some boxed Chardelle that I would add a few extras to. Nuts, chocolate chips and then split the batter between two pans and add a secret ingredient that he would not taste but I would know is there, nothing lethal but enough to begin faze two of my plan.

My grandmother had told me a story about a cousin we had down south and despite the gruesomeness it was one of my favorites. It was a story of revenge and stupidity.  Whenever I would introduce someone to my grandmother and we got to talking about distant family members I would have her tell the story and when it came to my boyfriends I would tell them how fucked up I thought it was.

By now the standard was set for he and I to have two separate meals my excuse was I was on a new diet and had to be mindful of what I ate. I was eating only vegies and the kind he was not a fan of prepared in ways that made him curious but unwilling to try. I always told him his biggest flaw was that I knew him to well and he didn’t know me well enough.

A week later he started getting sick and as I did not cook every night he first thought it was the fast food he was eating I assured him it was not but he tried to cut it out and still got sicker.

He went to the doctor and they began running test and just as I had planned on they told him he was being poisoned. He came home angry and I reassured him it was not me which was the truth. After the brownies I knew it was not a good idea to make it the norm so I stopped. When he kept getting sicker he insisted on cooking his own meals and I was more than happy to allow him to. It was not long before his family came over for dinner and while everyone got sick except for me. His family recovered but my poor husband found his self in the hospital. An investigation began and I was asked if it was ok for the police to search my house and of course they found nothing.

It was explained to me that my husband was ingesting rat poisoning and that the traces were on the lethal side. My acting classes paid off because I managed to look believably shocked. I explained that I no longer cooked for my husband which he confirmed.

While in the hospital he insisted that the food sucked and that he hated the little salt and pepper packets. He insisted that I bring him the miniature pepper grinder from home. I was more than happy to oblige. A week later he was dead.

I did a good job by never keeping the pepper grinder at the hospital. I would visit with it at dinner time then take it home. Bitterness makes one do some crazy things. Like chopping rat pellets down to small cubes and adding them to the  multi colored pepper corns in the pepper grinder.

When I began adding my emotions to dinner I removed all salt and pepper and laced the pepper grinder. I told my husband that freshly cracked black pepper makes all the difference in a dish and after trying it for himself he agreed. Every night I watched as he twisted poison onto his food and when he began cooking for himself he went heavy handed.

My cousin was a woman scorned. Her husband left her for a younger woman. The husband then would still eat dinner at his ex-wife’s house so to get him back she put small amounts of rat poison in his food and because he was not eating at one place they could not trace it back to her. Even after the doctors told him he was being poisoned he continued eating until he was dead.

My husband never acted like he cared and being Jewish he was buried in three days. I pretended to mourn the loss and then sold the house and moved. I told everyone I thought he did it to himself. But his father noticed that while we sat Shiva there was no pepper in the house and it drove him crazy he loves pepper. I looked him in the eye and said, “So that’s where you son got it, you know it was the death of him.” He looked at me and expressed his disgust in my joke to which I simply smiled and left.