A Long Talk, A Fragile Heart.

Way too often I find myself sitting and thinking about the men in my recent past and present. I wonder how they fit into my future and what lessons I am to learn and should have already learned from them. I think on how I should have let them go, how I should have never taken them seriously and sometimes even how I will enact revenge. I sit and stew on the beatings that I have allowed my poor heart to endure over and over again and ask myself, “What is my Problem?”

Here it was a year since I proclaimed my love for Dr. MeTo and I was sitting at my grandmother’s dinner table depressed because I had had enough of miss communication and text messages proclaiming his love with no follow through. I told him we needed to talk and that it was important. The entire day went by and I heard nothing from him. No text response, no phone call and when I tried to call him no answer.

I decide I was poor company and went back to my house where I began typing a list of all my grievances agents my ex. When I got to the bottom of page one and was starting to feel better my phone rang and it was him.

He explained that he was celebrating the holiday with his family at his brother’s house and his phone was on the charger upstairs. I brushed his excuse off and then asked, “What are we doing?” he knew exactly what I was talking about and proceed to say, “I am not sure.”

We discussed all the hurt I had endured over the past year and more importantly why it hurt. We discussed miss understandings due to poor communication and how much he hated hurting me. We even discussed why the second time around failed and how a third time was even more likely to be doomed.

We were forced to talk about the unmentionable, the fact that we may never get back together and why that would come to pass. The list went on and on and I felt my heart shatter and repair itself more times than I could count. What was intended to be closure now turned out to be more than just that. We decided to proceed from this point with no expectations other than to just be exes who are leaving things up to fate. If by some chance we fell deeply back in love and things put us in the same city so be it.

The conversation soon turned to sex and how much we missed making love to one another. We even tried phone sex but because my heart was not in it, it did not go well but things ended with a bang. The next few days we flirted but I my heart was still trying to catch up to my brain. My emotions do not switch easily like Dr. MeTo’s, but I knew for my sake I had to go along to see if I could allow my heart to forgive him.

There was so much going on in my head and my heart. I was talking to Mr. M about having kids and getting married but I was so uncertain if he was just kidding or serious. I was seeing other people but nothing looked really promising and now I added Dr. MeTo back to the mix which is even more uncertain. My heart was on overload and it eventually just stopped feeling altogether when it came to men.

How does one restart the heart? How do you get it to make the one decision your head cannot, of all the great men in my life, new and old, the rich and not so rich, the incredibly good looking and the average, the charmers and the ass holes. Every guy had his flaws and strengths and all of them left me with the uncertainty of if they could hold and protect my heart.

When it all boils down to it, isn’t that the one thing we want more than anything else? We all want someone to take our heart and hold it and protect it. That truly is the ultimate definition of romance. When you truly fall in love and you see that person you smile not because it is them but because you feel safe no matter what kind of physical or emotional strength they have or how great they are in bed or how much money they have, it is their ability to hold your heart and assure you it is safe in there keep.

It makes me stop and wonder if I have ever found that. I gave my heart to Mr. M but he did not want it, he saw the responsibility it came with and knew he could not handle it. Dr. MeTo tried but he soon saw how overwhelmingly fragile it was and he broke it out of fear.

Then there are the guys I date who say all the right things but when it comes to putting it all in action they trail off. They point out my greatness and ask how I am single. Is there a great flaw I am not seeing? Do I love to easily with a heart that is to fragile? Am I trying too hard to give it away so that I don’t have to deal with it? I used to think that was true but all my exes regret the break up or not taking the chance.

So what is my great flaw, I strongly believe we all have one. From picking the wrong guy, low self-esteem, setting high expectations, getting too complacent, lack of motivation, self-sabotage, putting out to easily, lack of respect for the people we date, emotional baggage, self-projecting on others, and even failure to get the big picture. The big picture, that is ultimately the problem, we allow so many things to get in the way and cloud our judgment that we make mistakes in the grand scheme of things.

So what do I constantly do that prevents me from finding the right guy and avoiding the wrong guy. I try not to have expectations from the guys I date, I believe in chemistry and do not simply go on looks or how a man is connected. I do not give myself readily to men that I see as potential boyfriends and I never portray myself as better than anyone.

The few guys that walked away in the midst of building to the point of a relationship all had the same complaint, I wanted them to change, and when I defended myself and asked for examples there was nothing because I never verbally expressed it, I simply refused to give myself completely until I could see they were willing grow and advance themselves. I wanted to know that the guy wanted more out of life than what he already had, to see that a future was possible. I do not want to get stuck in a never ending cycle of now. Yes I enjoy my present, I go out with friends and have a good time but I never take my eye off my future, I know that my good times are only a break from working towards my goals.

So my great flaw is that without saying a word I demand a lot from the people I date, I am supportive in the goals they express and strive to be a rock for the ones I love. I give a lot to the people that matter to me and all I ever ask is that they not do the same for me but do it for those that matter to them. These men have all shown a great capacity to love and give and that is ultimately what attracts me to them. It was not my selfishness but a view of the big picture that we could help each other help our loved ones, the big picture is that I want a man that can do great things because I know what I am capable of and together we can accomplish a lot.

Mr. M was a spoiled rotten self-proclaimed princess and Dr. MeTo could never see beyond achieving his own goals no matter who was helping him, only his things mattered when it came to dividing his time.  I watched as they both grew and have become far from selfish and are actually giving time and energy to help others.

Sometimes I do follow my dick like any other man but I soon get bored and go look for substance. My heart is fragile because it has been hurt a lot in the past due to my once lack for self-esteem. I demand greatness from those in my life and I have high expectations for myself, personally, professionally and socially.

My greatest flaw is the fact that I have focused way too much on love and looking for Mr. Right when I should have kept focus on developing the perfect career and allowing Mr. RightNow to simply be a temporary good time just as I do a night of drinking with friends. So my heart has suffered at my lack of focus as well as where I am in life and I have no one to blame but my own poor ranking of priorities. It takes two for a relationship and all I can do from this point forward is not allow my want for romance to consume me to the point that it is my main focus but to simply give guys who request a chance a fair audience and continue with my life, just like M and MeTo.