We Marched into the Den

So MeTo and I had made plans to go on a double date with a friend that I made while at Panera. He is young and immature but I see potential so I figured with me desperate for friends I would make him my little project. He recently started seeing this girl and I am unsure as to why but my opinion of her matters. So a double date was planed.

He ended up playing his typical games and I was left with nothing to do. MeTo and I tossed ideas around and we decided to do dinner and a club. Another friend that I had made now works at the Den and I had him put us on the list for what I thought would get us in for free.

I made my Facebook status state that I was cutting someone out my life as I was pissed about these last minute plans and we went out for half priced appetizers. It was a great night and I was turning heads, I love the attention. I laughed at MeTo’s jokes which were really funny and I smiled when he complimented me. Before I knew it the restaurant was empty and he was all I could see.

I then got confirmation we were on the list and then a call from the so called friend. He was using half truths to prevent feeling my wrath. I gave him the cold shoulder and made the call quick.

We then went to the Den where I found out admission was reduced and not cut. So to an ATM and we were in. I was surprised to see the club almost empty and the few people that were there were all young nerds. I immediately began trying to understand how this could be. I looked around and there were guys hopping to catch my attention and there were guys trying to get MeTo’s attention. We laughed as the awkward kids danced to songs that were being played just as awkwardly.

The outfits that some people wore made the 6 dollars worth it. I wondered how it was possible for so many gays to dress so poorly and I then it was clear why most people in Jersey go to New York and Philadelphia to enjoy good gay nightlife. Jersey really dose suck. 

A Shocking Apology

Mr. M and I had resumed speaking a few months ago. We began talking about how our lives were and what was new, the good and the bad in both. We had lots to catch up on and it was all via text. What a modern age we live in. we used devices that are designed with the intention to speak, to send the contemporary equivalent to short letters. 

The conversations were like old times except it was clear that while we still have love for each other, there is too much keeping us apart. Most important I am engaged to a wonderful man. Sometimes I choose to put that memory aside and focus on the bad in my life. I will admit it is quite selfish. It just so happened that Mr. M and I started talking while I was in one of those dispositions. We talked about his living situation and how he is unhappy with not having any real friends on the west coast and I talked about how I didn’t see how things were going to work out the way I wanted them to. It was days and days of texting and trying to make the other feel better.

Then one night I got a text that said, “I am sorry for hurting you.” I was shocked. I wanted to say, “it’s ok,” or “No need, you didn’t hurt me.” The best I could come up with, “I’m speechless.” I had already admitted to myself that I had allowed him to hurt me. I had also accepted the fact that it was my fault I put myself in that situation. I wanted to find love and for some reason at that point in my life I thought it was supposed to be him. I allowed him to play with my emotions and hurt me bad. I watched as he was then hurt and forgave and was hurt again. It hurt to see that here I was, someone who tried only to make him happy and he was holding onto someone who was breaking his heart and didn’t really care.

I remember thinking when I got word that he was dumped, “Good! That’s what he gets; I hope he is hurting badly.” I had no real right to think that. I was his friend and part of me honestly did feel bad.

I had always looked at Mr. M as my Mr. Big I thought that we would have our ups and downs but some day end up together, then Mr. MeTo proposed and I said yes and then my life took a different direction. It looked like Mr. M and I may not even know each other in a few years yet alone get back together. As time went on I was happy with MeTo and we began planning our life.

Then it came to the point when things changed, as far as what the two of us wanted. A city boy who loved the city and a country boy who loved the country both of whom hated the suburbs. It was like a fish and a bird falling in love. The love was strong but where could they build a life together?

I was perplexed and could only see my happily ever after dissipating. Then Mr. M came back in my life via text and then he apologized. What could this mean? We talked on all kinds of levels. I remembered things I wished had never happened. Such as the night of my 22^nd birthday party, the night we talked of what we wanted in the future, then the day we argued and he told me our chance to get back together had passed, the night I made out with his friend, the night we met, the night he got a tattoo, the day I called in sick to work so we could spend the morning together, and the Valentine’s day when he let me down. For two guys who were only together for 5 weeks we had some history and while we were official for only five weeks our relationship was anything but simple.

I told Mr. M that I was at fault as well; I wanted him to be mine and for me to be his. I fell for him and I should have not tried to be friends after the night he came over to my new place. But I did and I allowed him to hurt me all over. Now I was depressed and scared that I may lose the greatest love of my life and he was apologizing for our seeded past. We have a whole country between us and I am wearing a ring. My head was spinning. He longed to have friends visit and I was longing for a break from my life. I wanted to visit but judging by my mental state I knew what could happen, it was a good thing I could not afford a ticket.

The text went on and we kept it as friends and then one day I woke up and found myself missing my fiancé. I was angry with myself that I allowed myself to go back to that place, a place where I could ruin my future.  Mr. M and I have decided to be friends and MeTo and I are moving forward with our life. We negotiate and compromise with how our plans will work out. I want a big closet filled with shoes and clothes, a state of the art kitchen, a bathroom with a large tube so I may soak in comfort. I want my Bakery café and to be a domestic god. That’s what I want out of life for myself. MeTo sees my goals and understands them. He knows that I want him in my life and him being in my life makes me want to work towards such goals.

I still find it hard to get excited at this point in my life when it comes to school or new jobs or other such things. My future no matter how much planning I do is so up in the air, that’s how it has been all the way up to this point. All I know for certain is that I will have a career in food. Will my heart have what it wants as far as love? IDK but one thing is for certain everyone who knows Vixc-B knows I am willing to do what it takes to get it. They say you get two great loves in your life and you typically end up with one of them. I hope i have picked the right one. 

Well That’s Odd, Not Really!

I am currently taking a developmental math class. It is remedial math for those of us who just don’t get it that well. So today I got back my first math test. I have been working hard to get an A on everything. I figure if I get 100% then it will make my GPA great.

Today I got my test back and I had a 98. Not bad, it’s actually damn great. I have a 100 on all my quizzes so I am right where I want to be. As it turns out someone asked if anyone got a 100 and the Professor said the highest score was a 98. “OMG” I thought that’s me and I got to peak at a few others and some scored around 50. I was proud.

I know some are thinking, “You’re the smartest of the dumb kids.” While that may be true I am also learning a lot of stuff that I just did not get before like fractions and I can now do a lot of math equations in my head that I needed a calculator for in the past. I have come up in the math world. Leaving class I had the strangest erg to call my mother and tell her.

I had to do a double think, “Call your mother, Where the hell did that come from?” I can’t stand the woman and would rather here think I am dead than alive and doing well. It really shook me to the core. Could it be that I miss her and still desire her approval after all this time of being such a huge disappointment?  It could not be, it just can’t be. And to add insult to injury there was no one else I really wanted to tell, not MeTo or my sister.  

So here I am trying to deal with the idea of what my heart wants. I would love nothing more than to be friends with my mom and live happily ever after but she is a homophobic Christian and I am a Homosexual Theist with an open interpretation to that belief and its meanings. It would never work.

It all boils down to me being proud of myself and the person I could always count on to be proud along with me simply is not anymore. 

Cooler Heads Were Once Hot Heads!

I have talked to several friends asking them how anger is handled in their relationships. I was not shocking to find out that all of them say it starts with yelling and ends with an adult conversation. Even the most adult of the gay couples I know yell and scream at each other. Then once the steaming stops, they have an adult conversation followed by hot makeup sex. To be more accurate EVERY couple I know, gay or straight, yells and screams.  It is never taken personally, it is simply a sigh of frustration and a method to release it so the topics can be discussed with calm heads.

I agree with this method on dealing with issues with ones significant other. MeTo however dose not and thus why I typically don’t bother talking. It is hard to deal with issues when you are never allowed to truly vent. This typically leads to blow ups and MeTo will tell you, those are dangerous. 

So my friends yell at each other with love and understanding. When cooler heads come up to talk things can get taken care of and that’s how lasting relationships last. 

Create the Best of the Worst, and Be First.

In our world, appearance is everything, the way you look, dress, how you carry yourself, the people you surround yourself with, it is all considered major parts of who you are.

So many people will find you unfit to even associate with, if you do not behave in certain basic ways. Now I am not talking about the judgmental shallow groups. I am talking about those who take pride in the fact that they consider every minor detail in there day to day life. The kind of people who take pride in how they dress and smell, the kind of people who think everything they buy is a reflection on their taste.

My friends find every division of a person’s character to be of the utmost importance, Manors, Dress, and hygiene. We are not the only ones who feel so strongly about these three areas but the people we associate with and the people they associate with. It is considered so important by so many people that for us to even consider associating with someone who is not on the up and up is a huge no-no.

Hygiene, this is more than just showering, brushing ones teeth, and using deodorant. Good hygiene means you are groomed in the basic manor at all times and you take it several steps further when people other than your significant other (only if you live together) will be around. This includes family and your best of friends.

One should always smell pleasant, be recently showered with in the last 24 hours and immediately after excusive perspiration. Your breath should smells of mint or no smell at all, carring gum is a great way to keep this under control. No one wants to kiss something that is not pleasant. Your hair should be combed with necessary product and all facial hair properly maintained. The lack of any of the basics will bring ridicule from those closest to you and will have you added to the, “I don’t like him so much,” list by those who don’t know you all that well.

Your appearance, while hair maintenance is part of hygiene its style is not. Your hair is one of the great parts that you can use to express yourself. With the modern world being accepting of Mohawks and spikes, crazy colored hair and multi colored hair almost any look is typically accepted in non business settings, but it is expected that you know when to put the spikes away. Rumor of you presenting yourself improperly is reason for shunning as well. You hair should never look like it was an accident or just happened, most people understand things happen. Therefore bad hair days should always come with a story or a hat.

The way you dress must be scene appropriate. You would never wear short shorts and a tank top to a law office and it’s really uncommon to wear a suite to college night at Woody’s. Dress to impress and you get noticed. Dress like you didn’t care or simply like it doesn’t matter and it will be remembered for all the wrong reasons. In most circles the older you get the more the minor details matter, from socks and shoes to even your undershirt. If you know what I am talking about you are doing well, if not you need to reevaluate your closet with a friend ASAP.

Lastly there are manors. Minor infractions amongst hygiene and appearance may be easily forgiven with a good story or the voucher from a friend, however bad manners are never overlooked. Table noises are never permitted. Slurping, belching, breaking wind, smacking and chewing with ones mouth open will garner looks of disapproval, to ignore such looks by not rectifying the behavior with an excuses me or immediate silence while eating and drinking then it will be noted and you can bet you will be at the bottom of the list, if you are lucky, when it comes to being invited dinner parties.

There are also certain task that you must do when you first meat someone, such a firm handshake or appropriate hug, we gays love to hug. Attempting to remember names and making it known if you have difficulty. Thus way when names have to be repeated it is understood that it is not personal.

When you are invited to someone’s home for a party bring something, for gays alcohol of some sort is always best. Here is how you score points. Gays like hard liquor so the harder and more expensive, the better. Vladimir is not as valuable as Absolute, and Grey Goose or Belvidere will make you a legend, or that guy who only buys “the good Shit.” Who cares, being known as a man of quality will only elevate you in social circles faster.

The list of proper manors can go one and one but you get the gist. Make the effort when meeting new people and try to impress when entering a home and you have it in the bag. Hygiene and Appearance if you have that mastered then the rest will come easy. Gays make ourselves known, weather it is by quietly impressing with good looks and charm, or being the life of the party.
The point of all of this is gays are, well, we are shallow and we like those around us to be as well. We like things to be the best that they can be, that includes our friends. You can be dirt poor but if you live by the gay mantra, Create the best of the Worst, you are in and in for life.

Facebook & You Tube

I have a goal to become friends with 1000 people on Facebook and not just random people, Gays. I want to expand my network to include at least 500 gay men in the greater Philadelphia area. By doing such I will promote myself and rise up in the gay scene and become know as a classy fun down to earth gay male. I want to be a role model. The point to all of this is simple I am a social person and I would like to be one of the who’s who and then I will start with New York. 

Unlike many other gays I will not use whatever “power” I have to make myself feel better but inturn try to bring others up as well if they so wish. How cool would that be to be able to send someone a message and they try to help you become a socialite as well. 

So I know it’s a long shot but think about it. There are to many rich gays out there that are simply selfish why would anyone aspire to that? Yes I want to be rich, sexy, well known, but I also want people to love me, NOT fear me. I want to have parties and invite everyone; I want to be invited to every party because I am fun and not a fan of the drama. VixcB the peace keeper that is me. 

So to all my readers hit me up and tell your friends to read this blog. And now I am on youtube.com

New Fav Song

NATASHA BEDINGFIELD - TOUCH

I was tryin' to cross the street

When I tripped and spilled my coffee

On a man who yelled at me

And then walked off in a hurry

Now he's gonna be late for work

So he called his secretary

Said to cancel his appointment with the guy in the lobby

Who's been waiting for a while

And talking on the phone

Got invited to a party and thought he couldn't go

But he's here right now

Standing in my house

And someone turns the music loud

So we dance

And we laugh

And we touch (touch touch)

Yeah we dance

And we laugh

And we touch (touch touch)

Gonna party all night till the sun comes up

Cuz it feels like the world dissapears around us

When we dance

When we laugh

When we touch

I was planning out my party

Running errands 'round the city

Gorcery bags full of alcohol

And chocolate chip cookies

Saw a dress that was amazing

In the window of a boutique

So I went across the street

Then my heel broke and it threw me

I tried to catch my balance

But I was 'sposed to fall

It seems that spilling coffee

Was no accident at all

Cuz you're here right now

Sitting on my couch

Funny how it all works out

When we dance

And we laugh

And we touch (touch touch)

Natasha Bedingfield Touch lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/natasha-bedingfield-touch-lyrics.html

Yeah we dance

And we laugh

And we touch (touch touch)

Gonna party all night till the sun comes up

Cuz it feels like the world dissapears around us

When we dance

When we laugh

When we touch

Every choice we make

And every road we take

Every interaction

Starts a chain reaction

We're noth affected when we least expect it

And ten when we touched

And it all connected

Every choice we make

And every road we take

Every interaction

Starts a chain reaction

We're noth affected when we least expect it

And ten when we touched

And it all connected

When we dance

And we laugh

And we touch (touch touch)

Yeah we dance

And we laugh

And we touch (touch touch)

Gonna party all night till the sun comes up

Cuz it feels like the world dissapears around us

When we dance

When we laugh

When we touch

Ooo oo oo ooo

We touch

Ooo oo oo ooo

We touch

Ooo oo oo ooo

We touch

Ooo oo oo ooo

We touch

2011 and Still Us

Isn’t it nice when you go back to something that you haven’t seen in awhile and realize that it is the same, yet so much a has changed. This is how my life and friends are. There are a few times that we stop talking in order to deal with life in our own corners of the world but when we resume or friendship, we find that things are pretty much the same. This tends to always around the holidays.

When Christmas and New Year’s hit most of us trade friend time for family time and when the middle of January rolls around we find that a lot has happened but we are still pretty much right where we left one another.

Jaiye is now living with Phil. Right after the holidays the people Jaiye were living with were evicted for being in violation of their lease. So Phil allowed Jaiye t come life with him. Phil, being the smart guy that he is, told Jaiye that he could only stay with him for two weeks. It’s understandable considering from what we have observed, the best way to squash your friendship with Jaiye is to let him come live with you.

As for Phil he is still seeing Billy and things are going well for the mast part. During the holidays Phil saw the first promising sign that Billy sees Phil as his boyfriend and that Phil over analyzes things. Billy asked what he was doing for new years, translation, what are doing and who you doing it with? All because Billy was spending the holidays with his family in California and was not coming home till the 4^th. With Billy now being split between three states I am amazed that things are going well, considering a false HIV alarm and Phil’s obsession with getting revenge on the ex.

RJ and Adam are, well, RJ and Adam. The love of RJ’s life is behind bars for something that the group really doesn’t care about and RJ promises to be there for him and available when he gets out. RJ’s friends support him but we all think he is wasting his time. Damn gays and their drama queens.

Adam is still planning to get an apartment with Jaiye and Jaiye is still not over his ex. Leads one to believe that men named Josh are to serve one purpose, Break men’s hearts.

As for me, well I realized what is important in life. There was talk of me leaving MeTo after the holidays but I soon realized that he is more perfect than imperfect and our love runs to deep for each other. School is supposed to start in a few weeks and I can’t wait.  I want my degree more than anyone knows. Barns and Noble is proving to be a bust with no hours this month things are financially tight with MeTo and I, I now have to wait till February to go see my friends in Philadelphia but in the mean time it looks like I may have a chance at a job at a local gay night club.  So here’s to 2011.

You Aint My Daddy!!!

It would appear that some people after a large amount or time spent with me don’t seem to get it. The one thing that pisses me off the most, is trying to change me. I am who I am, I am stubborn, emotional, I don’t hide my emotions, I have a nasty temper which I try to keep in check, I need space, I need love, I need me time, I don’t ask for much, I am a fighter and I enjoy a good fight. I have little patience with those who refuse to take a hint. I am a gay male with issues just like every other male since the beginning of time.

Today MeTo decided to run off at the mouth. I was already in a bad mood. The night before I lost my wallet and I had to go to the school that I wanted to go to and I needed to have my id on me. I lost it at a night club. I was checking out a job opportunity.  I texted my friend and told him I thought I left it there and sure enough he did. I knew MeTo was not in the mood to drive back there and get it. I had already explained to MeTo what was going on in detail. He then asked why I was not panicking. I saw no need to panic my wallet was found and was in good hands. I was trying to find out if I could pick up from my friend before I went to the school. He told me it was ok. No need to panic.

Today MeTo ended up driving me to the school after I picked up my wallet; he was again in a bad mood. He dropped me off and decided to wait in the car. I stood in one line, then another and then another. Progress was made except my financial aid was not ready yet, which meant that I had to make a deposit in order to hold my classes. MeTo got upset and I then went to financial aid just to be sure, and it was confirmed.

Apparently there had been some glitch in the system which put a hold on allowing me to register and declare a major all of these things needed to be done before I got my aid. It was fixed but last minute. Now what I get for aid is greater than my tuition meaning I am going to get a kick back. But MeTo and I are having financial issues so it was not good news. I was ready to just wait till the fall but MeTo told me he would dig into savings and I would pay him back.

In the car ride home he preceded to lecture my about my laissez-faire attitude and how I am wasting time getting my life together. He made it clear that it was my fault my application went in late. At the time I applied I was not working and the account that I had money in was a prepaid MasterCard that expired and I requested a new one which took forever to arrive. Mean while I was still paying our cable bill and cell phone bill. I told MeTo the situation and he would respond, “Well make sure you get that in ASAP.” “I would respond as soon as I get my application fee.”

MeTo’s little chat lasted the entire ride back home. I felt insulted that he was saying I was basically sitting on my ass and not grabbing the bull by the horns. Meanwhile I was looking for a second job and had to make a decision as to whether or not I wanted to get a full time job or go to school. It was MeTo who told me to make school my number one priority. I was getting no hours at Barns and noble and so what was I to do? He complained when I told him I was going to get a job at a night club.

This whiney brat hated when I yelled and cursed, he wanted me to give him a fucking play by play for every move I made and thinks arguments are supposed to go according to how he wants it to go, calm no yelling, no cursing, no throwing things.

I simply stayed quiet packed some boxes and before I knew he left without telling me. Some loud music, a lot of drinking and a dozen broken bottles latter the cops showed up. I got them to leave and I let MeTo have it, His ring along with a new ass hole.

So Fucking Sue Me!

I have said it a thousand times, “Gays love drama.” It is not so much that we go out and seek it, it kind of just finds us. Most gay men handle drama fairly well. It is the ones that like to drag everyone else, such as friends and family, in that most people have an issue with. A little dram in a relationship is fine, cursing and screaming at each other is healthy in any relationship gay or straight it does not matter. It typically leads to great makeup sex.

Recently MeTo and I had a huge fight. I will talk at about the actual fight later. A typical fight is extremely boring. In MeTo’s perfect world there is no fighting just discussing. He talks then I talk then we come to an understanding. Where is the fun in that?

I have a temper, I have learned to control it and see no reason for me to seek counseling to handle my temper, it is under control unless you push me too far. Everyone that is important know the warning signs. The most important one, if I become unresponsive to you, go away. This typically happens because something the other person said makes me want to do one or more of the following. Jump up and hit them, throw something at them, break something that belongs to them, or cures them out in such a manner it would make an army sergeant blush. 

It is not easy to get me to this point, the comments are usually comparing me negatively to someone who I am honestly nothing like, making assumptions, ill advised accusations and repeats of prior conversations indicating the person was not listening and did not get the point that I spelled out so eloquently for them.

This rarely happens and it never happens with friends and colleagues just MeTo you can understand my frustration. Now imagine if you will all this has been explained more than once, I am verbally attacked and I stop taking. The other person continues to drone on and on about something and it is now clear that I have stopped listening. I am tapping my foot, rapping my fingers, giving the look of death and they continue on and then ask why I am not saying anything. So I walk away.

This continues several times, I get heated and we discuss what he needs to do when this happens and better yet how not to let it happen. Mind you everyone else gets it. Finally he pisses me off and I decide to handle it my way. I start yelling and then I am told not to yell. So I lower my tone and start cursing I am furious and my words are the only thing keeping me from killing him.

He becomes angry and doesn’t want to talk so I let him have it all. All the pent up anger is served to him on a silver platter. I tried negotiating with him and he does not want to meet me half way. So I do it my way. The result he is hurt and demands of an apology.

No if you are told not to poke the bear because the bear will attack you, and you go and poke the bear anyway, and the bear attacks you and hurts you badly, do you have a right to sue the bear keeper and the zoo?

We all say no so if you’re told to back off or have you head handed to you more than once and you choose not to heed the warning then sue me.

Two Years

What can be said once you are in a two year relationship moving onto the third? From the time I started my blog I talked about my relationships and my hunt for gay love. Then, without warning I found true love with the perfect family, then a year later I was given a ring if I promised to do one thing, spend the rest of my life with the same one person for the rest of my life. What does a city socialite turned Suburban house husband  talk about on his blog?

My blog is all about me and in some instances, my group of friends. I struggled to get my online presence out there but it was difficult to maintain my blog. I wanted it to go one way but my life was going another. I had to be honest with myself and evaluate what I honestly wanted for me and my life without considering the collateral damage.

For starters I want to get a degree in something and have a career. I thought maybe a writer of some kind or advertising or a combination of the two but my life did not work out the way I wanted. I was not given the opportunities as far as education financing goes to get the necessary degrees. So advertising was out but writing was still in. I soon learned that I liked the night life and everything about it, correction, I like the gay night life, I also thought about modeling but to get started it required to much financial investing I was also getting a little too old to be just starting. I looked younger than I really was which was working to my advantage but with the clock ticking it was a no go.

Then I realized that I could throw a hell of a party no matter what the budget was. All my friends complimented the food and asked for me to take note of important dates. Then I got into baking, then it was crocheting, then sewing, I was becoming Mr. Tommy Homemaker. I enjoyed leaning the dyeing Arts and having my friends admire me for my domestic skills, but a house husband I was not.

At the six month mark, MeTo and I moved in together and I soon lost my job. The loss of my job led to the loss of my car which meant I was stuck in Jersey unless I took the train and with no job it was quite expensive. My Gayborhood life was slowly dyeing and I was less recognized as I came far less often than I did in the past.

I had no choice but to be a house husband and work on my domestic skills. I threw the occasional party but my friends were a great distance away and only one of us had a car. Soon my food was more elaborate and my baked goods were enjoyed by everyone even myself. I was then told I should do something with the baking. I sat at my computer and started to write my own recipes.

One summer while vacationing with MeTo’s family, four of us decided to cook, MeTo, his brother, his brother’s boyfriend, and myself. Someone jokingly sad we could do a show called, “Four Gay Guys.” Which latter turned into us writing a book. I was put in charge as I had the most free time but I was the only one writing recipes, then MeTo started making contributions but the project ended there. But I figured I would not let what work had been done to go to waste and so I continued advancing my skills and working on my own cookbook.

It proved difficult when I realized cooking for the sake of cooking was expensive the project went on hold when I got a job working at Hollister and Panera. I soon learned that Retail was not for me and I quit Hollister. Panera was an odd schedule and it left me with little free time. Before I knew it however MeTo threw down an idea, Bethéa Pâtisserie. He wanted me to start my own baking business and I thought the idea was perfect. I figured it could grow from a home business to an actually bakery and then a Bakery Café. I had always wanted my mother to have her own bakery café but she seemed to lack the motivation.

I soon realized that New Jersey sucked on a whole other level, unlike my beloved Pennsylvania or even New York, New Jersey does not allow Cottage business, the production and selling of food made in a private residence.

I quit my job at Panra and tried to do things under the table but it was a no go. So I got a job at Barnes and Noble and decided I was going to go to school for Culinary arts. I had taken all the Wilton Decorating classes at Michael’s over the summer and could not find the money to go to The French Culinary Institute for Pastry arts so I figured I would start at the bottom and work my way up in such a way that after a certain point my career, I would take off like wild fire.

Things are in place for me to go to school this spring and there are parts of my life I need to address before I take any drastic measures. As it stands now I am engaged and living in Jersey and preparing to go to community college for Culinary arts management. I have a job at Barnes and Noble but I have not gotten hours for the past three weeks. I have been in my current relationship for two years.

With all of this said I have to evaluate where I have been, where I am going and where I would like to go. The most attractive part of my current situation is that I am experiencing things that I would not if things were different.

In an ideal situation I would have my driver license back and a car with a job that would allow me to afford, gas, insurance, rent, and some money to have fun with every now and then. I would also go to school for my dream job. I have decided that a Career in Pastry arts is in fact what I want. However my career is something that I don’t want to share, meaning I do not want to start a family business. I know that it sounds selfish but think about it, most people go to work and their work life is shared with only coworkers the people at home are part of a different world and I find this separation to be important on a productive level it allows me to feel that home and work are separate and there is no way that the two could become one even by accident.

Bethéa Pâtisserie is my future without a doubt but how am I going to get there? Where will Bethéa Pâtisserie be located? Those are questions that I have to keep in mind with every step towards my goal. Now I do want to eventually get married and I want more than anything to marry MeTo ergo, we are currently engaged.

MeTo is a country boy and I am a City Kid we are both hardcore and hate the suburbs. Its almost like he Is a fish and I am a bird. In order to be happy he needs the country, and I need the city.

I still dream of climbing the social ladder and think that the Gayborhood would be the perfect place to open Bethéa Pâtisserie. This however is an issue. How could I run a business in Philadelphia and have a life with my husband in upstate New York? The answerer of course is I can’t, not happily anyways. 

So do I compromise and run a business in the country and live in the country? When am I supposed to be happy I mean my husband has what he wants and needs. His plan is to work in the suburbs and live in the country. 

I like to play in the city and would be happy to live in the city. I like walking to the market or corner store, I like taking the buss to Center City to go shopping in order to save on parking, I even like sometimes taking the buss and train to work so I can read on the way. But in the country I have to drive everywhere I go. Now the fact that my Driver license is suspended is only a temporary hurdle as I will have it back soon enough.

Now I do enjoy driving but to be in a world where I have to drive is not my ideal situation. I also like to go to a club at the last minute, call my friends and meet one, two or more of them for a drink without having to make sleeping arrangements. City life and country life are way to different with a huge line in the middle called suburbs. What am I to do, I want to work and play in the city that is what I want, I don’t mind living in the country.

One solution to this is to have more than one house, this is what my in-laws, MeTo’s parents did. They both hated the city and my father in-law loved the country and so they bought a vacation home in the country, latter they moved out the city and into the suburbs and still had their house in the country. Now they all fell in love with the country and hated the suburbs and the city.

So MeTo and I decided that we would definitely have a country home, wherever MeTo wants that home to be is fine with me. Now our everyday home is another story and is still in discussion.

My dream home is huge with a large formal dining room a kitchen for a chef to be proud of, a closet that will house a large wardrobe, a bathroom with a tub large enough where a man of six foot two can soak comfortably, a large family room with high ceilings and a living room with white furniture and cherry wood tables. The basement will house an extravagant entertaining area complete with bar and pool table along with sitting area so guess can come over and enjoy movies, video games, and the Super Bowl, the other end will hose his train layout. Lastly my hubby and I need offices, my office will be large enough and equipped with the necessary accouterments for my crafts.

When I think about MeTo and my dream home it would be great to have it in the country but then what about the jobs that are paying for all this?

 For the first time in my life I am learning that you cannot plan every detail of your future, something’s have to remain open ended. To be 100% honest I want that dream house with MeTo and two kids more than my career, so I guess I need to focus on the following.

I need to get my driver license, a car, my degree, a decent job and where ever I end up living I will simply have to adjust. Besides there are ways of becoming well known and being a big shot in the city. There is that cookbook I am working on and I could also write a book for men who like fashion crafts such as, sewing, knitting, crocheting, and I could even merge the two and become like Martha Stewart, I just won’t sell out to Kmart and Sears.

So this writing assignment has served its purpose I know what I want out of life more than anything. It has been two interesting years with more good times than bad and more exciting and happy memories than I could have wished for and I want more of the same. I would imagine that my struggle with Old me and New me is over. We have figured out what we want and are willing to sacrifice to get it there is a plan to become happy and maybe get a little fame along the way. My Goal, get the dream house but how am I going to do that?

So here it is, I am Vixc-B and I enjoy, B&W Photography, Baking, Cooking, Crocheting, Sewing, Writing, Reading, Listening to music, Dancing, Clubbing, hosting Parties, and taking care of my Fiancé, 

I AM JUST MAD. Tired of this shit.

There used to be a lot that pissed me off. I hated almost everything my parents did, I hated being ignored, being lied too, let down, put in situations that I could not control. I hated people who called me a friend then would talk about be behind my back. People who were my friend one day then my enemy the next, I hated trying to fit in, I hated school, I hated homework and test, I hated cleaning, I hated having to cook, I hated boring family functions I hated, a lot. 

Then the day came when I started to learn plenty of useful things and while I tried to hold onto my family I learned how friends were more important. I learned how rewarding it was to keep a clean room, I learned how things tasted better when you made them yourself. I learned that there was more than one way to was a shirt and that washing it the right way meant it lasted longer and looked better. I learned that doing things yourself meant they got done when they needed to be done. I learned that not all schools were the same and that an A on your homework would help get an A on your test and the A on your test made them almost worthwhile.

I learned a lot of things about life and non of the important things learned at home from family. I learned on my own or from teachers or friends. I thought that family was supposed to nurture you and help you grow into a decent person. I learned as a child that mom and dad were always proud of you as long as you tried your best, they then taught me that my best was not good enough. 

Why is it at 24 years of age I am still struggling with all the stuff that I should have learned as a teenager? When I felt bad I had to blast music to feel better, HIM, Garbage, Beethoven, Bach and I spent many a night and weekend alone in my room trying to clean it, do homework or forget what happened in the living room with my step father, or the dining room with my mother, or what my so called friends said and did to me that week. 

I am hurt and traumatized and the only thing that would honestly help is if I got an apology, a simple I’m sorry. It hurts that for years I maintained a relationship with certain people in hopes that things would get better yet when things got bad I was blamed for the past, I was left out and each time it only caused more and more scars.

I want out, so many teens have committed suicide and I wish I could one of the guys to honestly say, it gets better, but dose it? My family did not stand behind me, when things got bad I got yelled at, I was judged, I was told to clean my room. I have so many bad memories and all the while I was prevented from making friends, I hung with my cousins or I hung with no one. I played in front of the house or I stayed in. I did stuff at the church or I did homework. My childhood was taken from me by the very people who were supposed to give it to me.

I want to give over it but my heart won’t let me, my head says its over and life gets better but it dosen’t. I am making 8 dollars an hour at 24 at a part time job the best I can get. Why is this so if life gets better. Suicide seems like a great idea and to this day no one will or can give a reason as to why I should honestly go on. Life doesn't get better for the ones who’s parents don’t support them. 

I hate to say it but offing yourself is the most logical excuse. Why go through life with all the sadness of growing up among people who refuse to help you better yourself for the sake of bettering yourself? Why life a life of minimum wage when you know you deserve better? Why should anyone care? There is so much that people can do to make a person’s life just a little better but we live in a selfish world where people rather make more money that make another person’s life better. The economy is heading into the toilet and the rich don’t care because they are rich, the poor don’t care because they are trying to survive. 

By definition I am sad person with a really good mask, I smile to hid my pain, I take vitamins because it’s the only thing I can afford to prevent me from killing myself. And as hard as I try when I look at my life I don’t see a good reason to go on. Yes I have a fiancee but I am being supported I have no independence. I am supposed to go to school with no money I can only afford one semester a year and how I am supposed to pay for books is still out there. 

My point is I have been struggling all my life to have just a small piece of what everyone else has and has been willing to help. I have befriended people who are in the same boat and all I can say is I have yet to see proof the it gets better. Sure it gets better if mom and dad are there for you, it gets better if you have money but for poor gay black boys from the ghetto who’s Mom hates them and has never stood up to say I was wrong and sorry it simply just doesn’t happen.

Can a Christian boy where what he wants for Halloween?

I think many of you have probably heard about the mother who dressed her son up as Daphne for Halloween per her son’s request. I find it fascinating how his peers accepted him but the parents were the ones who gave the mother a hard way to go. 

There are many points about this story I think need to be addressed. The first this is a Christian school, from the fact that this is an issue, shows that the school is not progressive. So why then are they celebrating a pagan holiday such as Halloween? Second the boy wanted to the costume and his friends had no qualms with it they probably thought it was great, proof that intolerance is taught and not inbred.  Third why are these parents trying to tell this woman how to raise her child? Fourth again this is a Christian school aren’t Christians supposed to accept people and not judge. Sounds like the parents of this school are quick to the draw when it comes to casting stones. 

All in all this a classic example of how Christianity is the most hypercritical religion. I can say this as I am a christen and have be subjected to the criticisms, and constant judgments by the very people who claim to be just as imperfect. 

Halloween

This year for Halloween I was invited to a drag party. I thought what the hell I already wear makeup why not take it a step further. The plan was to go to this party and then Voyeur. Voyeur was staying open till 8am so it was a big deal. My friend jay had decided to dress as Wendy Williams and planned this elaborate costume. He was hype and been talking about it for months.

I am not sure I understand the joy that people get from Halloween. Many of my friends go all out with their costumes and begin planning their costume and what they are going to do way in advanced. I planned everything that has to do with Halloween at the last minute. I think it may stem from growing up in a family that never really celebrated the holiday, Christians.

I decided at the last minute to go as a witch and that caused Phil to wear his costume, a fairy. This was totally comical. I put on my makeup and I borrowed a bra, wore a tee shirt that said, “No really, this is my Halloween costume.” I thought after everything I still looked like a boy in girls cloths. Phil went all out with his tutus, thong, wig, heels and mask. I felt safe walking outside as long as my wig hid most of my face he on the other hand, we had to call a cab which never came.

We pre-gamed it and thank god we did as when we got to the party there was next to nothing to drink. It was also a small crowd. I was shocked I came to party like VixcB typically dose. I managed to scrape something up and Phil and I mingled a little until the party was moved to Woody’s. A few drinks, some dancing and we were off to Voyeur. Phil got hit on I danced with one person and before I knew it, I was feeling old and off my grove. Me, VixcB, I used to go to the club not thinking what anyone thought had a good time I usually talked to someone about how sexy they thought I was.

Needless to say I ripped my wig and bra off and danced some more before getting a text from Jaiye say he went back to his friend’s apartment and his feet were killing him. Under old circumstances I would have stayed until closing but the booze had affected my mood negatively and Phil was tired of that chasing him all over. We left and Phil paid for the cab.

In the car I remember calling Mr. MeTo and told him I was old and I think I may have blamed him for it. Once we got to Phil’s place I crashed and woke with a total hangover. I didn’t think I drank that much but it was enough to cause a hangover and I spent the day watching Disney Halloween movies with my best friend while trying to recover.

I left my favorite city late and took in the scenery of center city as I walked from one train to the other. I thought of how I always hated leaving, it depressed me that I could not spend more time with Jaiye and Phil, I longed for the days when we would go out together and make new friends. Our lives were like a TV show with each season having different friends but the main character remained the same.

I got home and my mind was all mixed up and I had lots to think about. Did I like where my life was going? Did I want to say in this relationship? Did I want to move back to the city or to the country? Plans were made and I felt I had to decide quickly. One thing was certain, I was in love with MeTo my biggest fear during the time I was thinking was I might break his heart.

As time went on MeTo kept asking what was wrong a refused to accept nothing for an answerer and I just exploded. My outburst turned into a long discussion as to how we could stay together and remain happy and as things stand now at the end of our lease while we will remain together we may end up living apart for a year or two.

Awesome Celebrity Anti-Bullying Video

VixcB on youtube

So Awesome.