This is it

With the fast approach to 30 it is time that I shift my focus. The Indigo Life has been my outlet for many years. Here I have been able to express my feelings and how my feelings have changed on many a subject. My entire time as a gay man in his twenties are here for the world to read.  

My last year in my 20s was quite the roller coaster. It started out with dating Irving things started out so well between the two of us. Every single one of my friends liked him and all of his liked me it seemed so destined until things got a little crazy. Soon we were fighting weekly and I was losing interest. Our sex life was lacking and never reached that great point. Was it him or was it me? To be honest it was both of us two bottoms trying to make it work sexually left me frustrated and bored. As I have said before, “tell about the sex and I’ll tell you about your relationship.” Soon his fear of losing me got the best of him and it finally pushed me away. And his attempts a suicide made all my friends scream, RUN!

In April I turned 29 and the stress of Irving made me turn back to smoking. I did end the month with a new car. A 2006 Honda Accord. I was happy and all my friends loved it but my plans for a happy summer came to a screeching halt.  

My mother’s health took a turn and she had to start a new chemo therapy the side effects of the prior one caused he to go into the hospital with fluid around her heart. I continued to go with her every Wednesday for chemo and to almost every doctor appointment. In April AX let go a lot of their part time associates and I was among the ones who got let go. It was great I was able to focus on getting my promotion at Eddie Bauer.

Soon it started to look like everything was on the up and up. I was happy being single, I had time to spend with my friends, I had an interesting dating life and before I knew it I got my promotion.  

Two of my best friends decided it they were going to split after months and months of drama and things only got worse from there, my mother and I had a huge fight that left me looking for a place to live. I asked Mister M if I could crash with him for a week and I didn’t last a night. We went out with his new boy and once we were all drunk his dark side came out and we were soon arguing about the last time we had sex. I decided that after 8 years of this back and forth I was cutting my losses. I packed my car and left. Feeling completely sober but failing to judge the time I decided to drive to my best friend’s house on the way I fell asleep behind the wheel and woke up to the sound of my bumping into a guard rail. I immediately got off the road and took a 2 hour power nap. Then I met Jaiye at his house and caught him up on what had been happening.

Soon I was staying with my grandmother and that is when I started dating Miles. It was also around the time I began working on my new blog, Gayand 30. I found a place to live in Delaware with an ex who had become a great friend over the years and life just kind of paused.

My depression got bad and all I could do was work and be at home, money was extremely tight and soon I fell behind in everything. Eventually they found my car and took it. With the help of Irving, my Uncle and My mother I got my car back.

My grandfather died in October and I all I could feel was shock. I took my bereavement time to get my head together from what was going on at work and with my family.  Soon things got worse my aunt went into the hospital and I had a car accident. I had no choice but to go back to living with my mother.

So here it is the start of 2016 the year in which I turn 30. I have a boyfriend, no car, I am living with my mother, I have a ton of debt and I feel stuck.

Turning 30 can be a big deal in a good way if you give it proper prospective. I am looking at it as the next great adventure. My 20s were my indigo years me trying to figure out what it means to be gay and what kind of gay man I want to be and now that I have a good grasp on what that is it is time to put that away and define what it now means to be Gay and 30, for me that is.

Irving and I are no longer speaking he has decided he does not want anything to do with me.

Jaiye and his boyfriend are back together and working on their next chapter.

Are Jay and Adam are living down in Orlando. Bombshell is now single and living with her first Gay Taylor in south Philly.

My friends who broke up one is still my Bestie and the other has chosen to stop talking to me.

MeTo is still living in Brooklyn and we have chosen to cut all ties, I am still trying to forgive him for the past.

Mister M and I are keeping distance although we did with each other Happy New Year after not talking for 4 months.

My mother is doing much better on her new chemo and we are actually getting along, for now.

My current Boyfriend and I are working the kinks out in our relationship but it looks really promising. And I am climbing the corporate ladder at work, and I have to come up with a new realistic plan for my life. Being Gay and 30 is going to be complicated yet fun!

So Much For Single . . .

Last year I took a trip to Vegas and this year I decided I would do my best to save money and decided that if funds allowed I would simply go and visit my friends that live in NYC. Before I knew it I was financially on track until I realized that my mother’s 50^th birthday was at hand and the weekend I chosen for her party was before I would get paid. I began trying to make things work and even went as far as trying to make it a surprise.

I took her to dinner and a movie and as far as she thought that would be it. It was the first week in a long time that I not only had a day off but 3 days off and so it was chemo Wednesday with mom then her birthday on Thursday and then, believe it or not, I had a date on Friday.

I had been talking to a guy named Caps for well over a year. I met him through a mutual friend and right before the holiday season we had a great night hanging out and he had asked me to go to the holiday party at work. After not hearing from him for over 2 weeks I gave the slot to Irvin.

Irvin and I had been talking for months with the intentions on developing a friendship but one night the conversation became so interesting we decided we would allow our first meeting to be a date. I figured happy hour in the city so we decided to meet at Bike Stop and then Moriarty's for dinner. He was better looking in person and I had already thought him a cutie from the pics he sent and soon he started making me laugh. My biggest weakness when it comes to men are the cute and funny ones. When I started laughing I knew I wanted a second date. I did not want the night to end I was having so much fun just talking to him I was turned on but able to control myself. I was not sure if it was the alcohol or him but I felt I wanted more from him.

We decided to leave and he offered to give me a ride home, I was excited because it meant I could get a kiss good night. And once in front of my door it was a kiss to knock socks off. It lasted a while and one kiss became many and a conversation and it became official I really liked the guy.

We had plans to meet after I got off work Saturday and he didn’t want to drink so I suggested Llanerch Diner, it was not in the city, not far from my house and my friend Ethan was able to give me a ride there because it was up the street from his house.

We met at the diner and we both blushed, we were really into one another. Dinner, Trivia Crack, and then a ride around town which ended with coffee at Wawa and a scratch off ticket. We joked and talked and really spent the night getting to know one another and the good night kiss lasted longer and was more intense than the last time.

Sunday I got a text from him saying he had a bad day and wanted to see me. I wanted nothing more but I was at work. He insisted that he come pick me up and I allowed it. He took me too a diner and then coffee at Wawa and then we spent several hours talking in his car. I laughed, I swooned and blushed and talked. It was odd it felt like I knew him for so long yet I was not bored he was sweet and charming but strong and commanding I tried comparing him to my exes in my head and there was no comparison he was different than all the former loves of my life from Mister M and Meto to Cocky and wonderful.

When I walked to my door I was numb with infatuation, we just spent several hours being intimate without sex, and neither of us had to tell the other no, things went only as far as we both wanted them to go. I wanted to find some fault, something I could take back to my friends so they could tell me not to proceed, the way things had gone so many times before but there was nothing. He had demons and dealt with them, he has realistic goals with plans to achieve them, he is cute, he is funny, he looks and acts like a man, he thinks the world of me, he is confident and intelligent He truly is, prince charming.

The next few days we spent texting each other almost nonstop, emogies, pictures, talks about or days and anything else we could share. My friends could see that I was not just infatuated but I had found someone who had my interest on more than a sexual level. I could see their reactions as I talked about him and they were all shocked it was almost like they were saying, “You are falling.” And there was nothing anyone could do about it.

It seemed I had just slammed and bolted the door to the MeTo saga and then Irvin shows up and whisk me away.

After getting home from work and saying good night to the new love interest I decided to brows facebook. I noticed that Mister M had posted something and based on the comments it sounded like he was moving so I texted him. . .

“So I hear you are moving”

“Where did you hear that lol”

“Facebook, Unless I read it wrong”

“You read correctly”

“Where are you moving to?”

“KOP”

Mister M went n to tell me that  he missed the east coast and had been planning the move for quite some time and everything was set for him to move back to the Philadelphia area. 

2014 Recap

Well it was the year that I thought I was done with my blog. I unceremoniously just abandoned it. However interesting moments inspired me to write and so I shared them with you guys. I am unsure if anyone still reads this but it would appear that for 2015 I still need The Indigo Life. Not even a full month in and my head is spinning with what has happened but let’s recap 2014 first.

In good form I rang in the New Year with my good friend Bombshell, her boyfriend and a mutual friend of ours. After the fireworks I went to see my friend Wallace who had gotten a room downtown.  Noting sexual happen aside from my clothes coming off and a little making out. He was sharing a room with his friend who appeared an hour or so after a steamy make out session, and announced that he did coke with some random guy at Voyeur and at that I popped my head from under the covers. I thanks G-d that I was still drunk and soon after awkward introductions I was fast asleep. In the morning we woke chatted and I then did the walk of shame to work. Wallace and I tried dating but he wanted to be chased and I was not interested in games so we soon went separate ways.

Then Vegas happened and I thought Meto and I was done but after an accidental drunk phone call from my sister he decided to text me. Mister M and I had a fight and I realized I needed to find a way to enjoy single life. Soon I quit working at Bacharach due to poor quality and a complete lack of standing behind their product and took to focus on working at Nordstrom and helping my mother recover from Breast Cancer surgery.

By the time of my Birthday Mom was starting to take a turn. My sister who had moved in with her boyfriend was of no help and even decided to just not show up to my first party. She arrived to the family function and decided to be a bitch the entire time. Our relationship seemed to just die.

Then Mister Big came into my life and Mister Cocky tried to get me back. Due to Mister Cocky’s inconsistent behavior I decided to let the bag out at work, perused something with Mister Big ad told Cocky to go pound sand. I had to take care of my mother with little help and Big wanted to much of my time, after a text message I decided to just ignore him.

On july 4^th my cousin gave birth to a baby girl giving me my second Godchild. It was official I had one of each so I was done. With two godchildren and great friends I decided to spend the summer getting closer to my friends and it was one great time after the other. Soon the doctors figured out what was going on with my mother. She began chemo and responded well.

By the end of the summer my sister found herself single with no place to live and ever where she turned she heard “I Told you so.” You do not move in with a guy you have only been dating a few months.

I found myself on vacation in Atlanta Georgia where I found out is the birthplace of coca cola and my play wife Monroe went to college. Monroe showed us her favorite spots, her local best friend and after a trip to the coca cola factory I was in love with the town. Labor Day weekend is also black pride weekend and I was at home, without trying I began making connections and meeting people. I came back to Philly on cloud nine and convinced that I was over the town that I called home for all of my adult life.

Soon work got on my nerves and I got a second job and then my mother gave me her car and I got a third job. It was not long before the holidays were upon us and leaving one job on black Friday I hit a patch of black ice and totaled my car. I had already had an accident and was trying to save up money to get it fixed and now the car was gone.

I survived the holidays and was able to buy everyone that mattered presents. When the year started my Mom was not on track recovery wise, my cousin was having a complicated pregnancy and I was looking for love and hoping one of my exes held the key. I eventually told Meto how I truly felt and when he reverted to old habits I decided to cover all my bases, a text, email and a Facebook message i was ensuring that it was clear I wanted nothing to do with him and that he was to never contact me again.

2015 started and I had two God children, great friends, a plan for the year, A healthy mother, a relationship with my sister and I was thoroughly happy with being single. But like I always tell my friends the moment you begin to enjoy being single someone is going to come along and mess it up. 

Happy New Year 2015

There comes a time when one must examine their life and make changes. Welcoming in a new year seams the perfect time to do such evaluations. For so long I wrote about MeTo and how I hoped he and I would either become friends or get back together the same with Mister M but as it stands my future is not in my past. MeTo for whatever reason could not find a way to move forward without repeating the past and so I had to cut my losses which are great and let him go.

The headrest part in cutting him out of my life completely is that all the things that I had attached value to because of memories or the fact that they had once belonged to my father are now gone never to be seen by me again because I trusted a very selfish person.

Giving up on what one could call the greatest love of my life, thus far, makes me reevaluate many of the friendships that I am currently holding on to. Many of the people who came to my rescue at my darkest time have moved on with life. Not that they have abandoned me but life moved us forward in different directions and we all just moved along taking different paths when presented with a fork in the road.

I have had a great life and met so many wonderfully interesting people but the lessons learned are so great in number. I look back at that 21 year old boy just coming out of the closet and trying to find his way. The way that I used to dress and my dreams for my future. The gay man that I wanted to become. I look in the mirror and I am happy with whom I see. He is different, unimaginable, loveable, well liked and truly blessed although scared and scorned he is a happy person full of love.

I was young and I knew absolutely nothing but thought I knew enough, then the day came and I realized I knew nothing because I had learned so much. Am I a man now? I am not quick to remake bad mistakes in hopes that because a few variables have changed the result will change. I avoid the temptation to recreate the past. I lived it once and made my memories, no need to try and create them over. I no longer miss lovers past or friends who I have lost touch with, if it was meant to be it would be, because I did try.

I have such great memories and I am still so young. This is what drives me forward it is my goal to create a full life that only I can create, I know not what my future holds but I do know the fun part is creating it. So I welcome 2015 and my resolution is to continually let go of the past and not let it hold me back. Let the good times roll. 

Bars and Blow Jobs

Everybody needs a helpful gay friend. It just seems to be a modern fact. Gay men are stereotyped as being outspoken, great dressers, good listeners, good lovers, intelligent and well informed, witty and a warehouse of great advice from money management, career choices and even sex.

To be honest no one disputes the fact that the best users of the equipment are those born with it. Ergo a man can give the best Fellatio while a woman gives the best cutalingus.

The other day while out with a few of my friends at the bar the conversation turned to sex and my young female friend could not keep up and it was soon made clear that she needed some tips on how to give a proper blow job.

The sad thing about blow jobs is that even for a man it’s all about trial and error. No two men are the same and no two penises are the same, so what works to get one man off may not work for another. In such there is no real error proof blow job method, just tips on how to get started and keep the good times cuming.

For starters there is a little problem when a man of a certain size wants head. Almost never can a penis be fully inserted into ones mouth without activating the gag reflex. I am the first to admit that for years I could not find a way around this and so I being equipped with the internet and using trial and error finally found a way to work with my body’s natural reflexes to give great head.

This tip while simple feels like the Holy Grail once discovered. Simply remember when you feel like you are going to gag, force yourself to swallow. This not only stops gaging but it facilitates your ability to now deep throat. I could have danced the moment I found that this actually worked. I shared the tip along with how great it felt to find that it honestly worked.

The next tip naturally was to mix it up and listen. There is a difference between an actual blow job and sucking a guy off. She looked confused and even one of my straight friends who was listening prooved that even a man knows all the different way to receive pleasure.

Blowing a guy involves actually blowing a guy, like you are trying to inflate his penis like a balloon. The only contact being your lips and occasionally your tong. As odd as it may seem I actually dated a guy who had a preference for this method. Ok you don’t actually blow but if anyone was to see you performing an actual “Blow Job,” it would look like you were trying to inflate your man.

Sucking a guy off is just that using your entire mouth and suck like it’s a lollypop, this is the most popular and most preferred method.

Next tip was to inform her that most guys find the use of hands to be cheating, sure the goal is to get the guy off but it’s also to make him remember that you have good oral skills. 

Lastly mix it up and listen, use a mixture of sucking and blowing, head motions and ball play and pay attention to the different sounds and reactions he makes. Some guys like the shaft so focus on the shaft and others like more attention on the tip or head so listen to see if the tip is where your focus should be.

Needless to say once the session was over I received high fives from straight guys. I pretty much just told a bar full of people what every guy wants to tell a girl about giving head but never know just how to say it without fear that she might just say, “fuck it.” And yes skull fucking is a thing but that is another blog post.  

Jaiye Turns 29

It was 7 years ago at Jaiye’s 22^nd birthday party that a friendship started. I can remember it almost like it was yesterday. I was distraught after my breakup plus having to move and having to learn how to navigate what It meant to be gay while still trying to remain true to myself. My friend from college suggested that I go with her to her friend Jaiye’s party. I had met him a few time before and while I found him entertaining my overall impression was “eh” before I knew it I was dressed in all white and partying with his other friends. Soon we were all off to Woody’s and it was clear we both loved to have a good time. For the remainder of the year Jaiye and I went to every party together and the friendship was almost instant.

As time went on life moved us apart and when we chose to live together our friendship ended, or at least we thought it had. It was almost a year before we made up but when we did it was clear that we both had matured. The crew we had in our early twenties decided to mature as well. Tia moved to Texas and AreJay moved to Florida with our friend Adam. It made complete since that a sever year friendship would reunite us at Jaiye’s 29^th birthday party.

It was the last time Jaiye would celebrate a birthday starting with a two and all he wanted was a few friends to get together. Phill had moved on and we from Phill so all that was left was Tia, AreJay and myself. The first night was karaoke at Tabu and the following night was dancing at Woody’s. The two nights was nothing really to blog about. Most of each night was spent remembering when we used to go out every Wednesday and dance on the speaker box. Nights when Dan Woody owned Woody’s and those over 21 paid a 2 dollar minimum. It was not that long ago but when you think about how the Gayborhood has changed it seems almost forever ago. Clubs like Bump and 12^th air command and Sisters are no longer. Woody’s is no longer owned by Dan Woody and now looks almost completely different.

We were there when the Gayborhood morphed slowly from what it was to what it is. The Gayborhood is where we celebrated growing from what we were to what we are. It was only fitting that it was where we celebrated the beginning to the last year of my best friends 20’s.

While it was fun to reminisce it was made abundantly clear that I have hardly aged. When I went to get on the speaker box like I did when I was 22 Jaiye refused to follow claiming he was too old. So while my friends are aging my body is clearly only slowing being affected by time.

But Happy 29 to Jaiye and happy 7 years of friendship to the both of us.  

7 Fabulous Years and I NEVER Say Fabulous ;-)

It has been SEVEN years, July marked my seven year gay anniversary. What better way to celebrate than to stop and think about my gay past. The funny thing is that for seven years I have been looking for mister right and reading past post it is more than obvious after all my blog is mostly about gay dating.

When I think about it there are four guys maybe 5 that have been key players when it comes to my heart. I will not count Damian and Romone because the two of them never made me feel anything but anger and frustration all in all they represent the culmination of all the men I have ever dated. The obvious first two of course are Mister M and Doctor MeTo. Then I would honestly have to say that J.R. and Mister Cocky had a big roll although short. If I had to choose a number 5 while Louise was a big part of my life he did become a great friend and the fact that we dated only strengthened our friendship we are goes to Mister Wonderful.

These five men came into my life and each one I was hoping and praying would be the end all be all. The man to sweep me off my feet and show that a gay happily ever after was possible.

  

To recap and in order. Mister M at first was not over his ex, so we broke up and remained friends. The friendship morphed into something without explanation the moment he moved to Philadelphia and we started sleeping together. He was unsure of what he wanted but he expressed on several occasions that it was not a relationship with me despite the fact that he thought quite highly of me. Ultimately after watching as he made poor choices as far as who to date and finally moving to Las Vegas we made peace with our past and began trying to have a real friendship.

When we both became single and he started visiting Philly we fell into old habits. At a distance we were great friends who could talk about anything but put us in the same room alone, it was only a matter of time before clothes came off. Things were good except M’s biggest problem was the fact that he was so critical of me, always judging before having all of the facts. Yes we were friends but with almost 3000 miles between us there was quite a bit that he did not know about me. It was not until almost a month later that he got wind of my attempted suicide.

Things finally went full circle after I visited him in Vegas. I finally understood why he kept contact with me for so many years and while it hurt, I knew it was the case all along I just had refused to accept it for the fact that it seemed a bit conceded on my part. M saw me as the perfect boyfriend but he wanted to enhance things about me however no matter how much better I got I was never perfect and so he never wanted to date me again. Our last fight was over how he viewed me and that I was tired of being criticized by him. I silently backed away and we keep communication to a minimum.

The day came when I came oh so close to that dream of a house with kids and a husband. Doctor Meto and I were not attracted to one another at first but we gave it a chance and before we knew it we were in love, celebrating every mile stone and delighting in the personal achievements of one another it was the stuff that a good gay fairytale are made of and all who knew us, straight and gay, were envious. We were it, two people who were head over heels in love and we refused to take it for granted. So then what the hell happened to make it end? Reality.

The reality that no one is perfect and no one has a perfect past. I was a man who was trying to figure things out on my own. I took risk and had to pay the price. Meto played it safe and had parents who were there to back him up. While he was six months older he was stuck at the age of 14 while I was constantly getting older and seeking FULL independence.

It was my low self-esteem that drove me away the first time, it was love that made me go back and it was the acquisition of high self-esteem, the realization of the value in what I had to offer and seeing MeTo for what he really was that finally drove me away. When I asked him to prove me wrong, over and over he affirmed what I already knew to be true, he loved his bank account first, then himself, then his family, then career and finally the person he was sleeping with. If I am wrong then why is he still single?

J.R, was the sexy guy who came into Starbucks while I was working there. Several flirts and a party later we were lipped locked, for a split second we stopped caring that I was engaged to someone else. A new hairstyle and a moth later I was single and he was jobless. I quickly became tired of late nights out with his friends at the same bars and watching him get blackout drunk. He must have taken notice because soon he was distant and then telling me he was sleeping with someone. All the promises he made me were out the window.

Mister Wonderful was almost that, the only relationship that I am completely to blame for its destruction. Mister Wonderful was the first and only guy that I met on Grindr where it turned into a relationship. While a few years older he was attractive in every way a man could be and I saw that I could fall in love with him. I however was holding out hope for MeTo. When I got the text message that I needed to move I reacted poorly and broke up with Mister Wonderful. Still depressed several hours later I slept with a friend of mine and when asked by Wonderful I told him what had happened he was crushed to hear that I did something so beneath me. He knew my situation and felt that I could have handled it better. In his mind we were meant to be but my actions showed him a person he was not sure he could be with.

Mister Cocky may take the prize as the worst person I ever dated. We met at Nordstrom and everyone suspected he was gay but no one knew for sure. It was his last week and I was flirting with him and suggested that we should hang out, we exchanged numbers and on my way home we started texting and it was soon clear that not only was he a Bisexual but he was also extremely interested in me.

It was not long before we started dating and things soon got interesting. We had one fight and the next day he became distant and when we had another fight about him being distant all week he told me he cheated on me, then he told me he was paying the price because he might be losing a testicle, then a few days later he tells me that he need to take some time because some girl who was pregnant with his baby had an abortion.

It was becoming too much. This short closeted, white, Pepsi drinking, republican had given me more than enough reason to walk away. When I told my friends at work that he cheated on me they all told me to dump him when the herd the rest they said the best way to do it was to just not talk to him.

One day at work I was fed up, several promises to meet up and constantly changing plans or avoiding the topic later, I ended it. He convinced me to meet up and a day later we did, only to get back together. He was honestly an ass hole I had to take the train to see him and although he was going my way I had to take the train home. He claimed I was the one but he played a game of push and pull with my heart, he claimed he wanted to marry me, take me to Florida, that he had looked at engagement rings, bought me a build a bear, but then cheated on me, criticized me, and then while taking time to figure things out he starts a relationship with someone else and all the while telling me how much he still loves me and doesn’t like hearing that I am dating other men.

The day came where he wanted to meet as friends in the Gayborhood after I got off work, I then got a text from him saying he could not wait and that he was going without me. He then asked if I knew of a place where he could get his butt hole played with and I told him to never contact me again, I don’t associate with such places or the people who frequent them.

Mister M is still living in Vegas and trying to figure things out. Last I heard he was thinking about maybe moving back to the east coast or changing jobs. I think it is safe to say the most we shall eve be is just friends.

Doctor MeTo, went back to school to get his master’s in education he lives in Brooklyn with his grandmother and has since decided to stop talking to me. After several past attempts to be friends or reconcile it is safe to say that this story has officially ended most abruptly and unpoetically.

J.R. is still going to the same bars with the same people and living in the same part of town. I got word that he found a new job that is par with his last one.

The last I heard Mister Wonderful has a new job that has him jumping back and forth from coast to coast. He has pretty much married his job.

As for Mister Cocky I finally got the truth as to why he transferred stores and only confirmed the fact that I need not ever speak to him again.

As for me, well, I have learned how to enjoy being single. I have found several project to focus my attention on. I have made a solid group of friends Jaiye, Nikki, and even some new ones that I have really gotten close to. My depression is well under control despite helping my mother through her second round of breast cancer. I have two godchildren and live to put it simply, is Fabulous and I never say fabulous.  

Goodbye Mister Big

Mister Big took me on two moor dates after the comedy club. He picked me up from work one night and we went to have beers. Then he took me out the 4^th of July. The nigh he picked me up from work my mother was in the hospital and I figured I would take a chance and spend some time with Big.

The place was a dud but it was not his fault we sat down and ordered and in true form I ordered what I could afford although he was paying, French fries and beer. I ate a good portion of fries and had two beers. We chatted and I told him about my interesting family and how it operated. He seemed happy to get the little bit of information.

He then told me how his fish tacos were a letdown for 18 bucks he did however finish them. When he asked how my fries were I offered him some and he practically finished them. I had intended to take them home, would have made a great midnight snack but that pipe dream was gone, and he was definitely paying now.

The fourth of July, I had a lot going on a cousin giving birth, another in the hospital for seizures and my mother at home recovering from pneumonia. I told big that I would have to wait until my mom was asleep because I did not feel right leaving her home alone.

He came and picked me up and we decided to go to the same place we met, Valanni. We ordered similar to before except in the middle of eating I got a text that my G-d daughter was born. The night was going to be about me.

I looked up from munching only to notice that “The Waiter” was making his way over. Still ripped and fine as ever I gave him a hug and introduced him to me date we quickly caught up and he was on his way to iCandy I rolled the thought over in my head, “Would big enjoy iCandy?”

Big and I joked about music and our gap in ages and before I knew David showed with two of his lesbian friends. Big looked puzzled and so I decided to tell him the story of how I met Dan and David.

Food and a few drinks later we decided to call it a night. Once home I realized it was too early to be back in the house and so a few text later I was back out.

A few days later my mother was back in the hospital and I got a text from big that I make no effort and it seems like I am not interested. I wanted to respond, “The only thing that is interesting is your money.” But instead I told him how I was the only taking care of my mother and that combined with my work schedule makes it difficult to keep in touch with a man like him.

Big is typically going to bed when I am on the first bus home from work. He has already been working for several hours when I am getting out of bed, and the only thing this man seemed to talk about how he is shopping for car for his daughter or the fact that he can’t stay in his condo because there is no AC.

A week later I got caught, he made a fake a4a profile and messaged me. The guy was a hot muscled 24 year old. I knew I would have a better chance having a family with a younger guy closer to my age than Big who already had it and never bothered to ask if I wanted it. So I kept all my options open there were no talks or exclusivity, we had not had sex, and we had not talked about where we saw things going.

He was upset and told me that while I was a nice guy and did not seem interested enough and that he did not appreciate me still being on a4a, he had been through it before and so happy hunting. I failed to find a reason to respond. 

Mister Big, Lamb, Helium

You can never judge a book by its cover or who you are going to fall in love with for that matter. I immediately decided that if I was to get a good read on Mister Big that I would have to go on a second date. And so what was supposed to be a stressful adjustment to my Friday plans turned into a much needed escape.

Big decided to make plans at his favorite restaurant Zahav an Israeli restaurant in Old City. I had mentioned how Lamb was my favorite meat and immediately he knew I would love the place. It was decided that our second date would be to Zahav and then Helium night club.

I had given him the all clear for the Next Friday but it turned into that Friday, a miscommunication. After talking to a friend at work it was decided that if I was going to be into Mister Big then I needed to find out sooner rather than later and so I went with the flow.

Friday was an early day, G-d father duty and then running home to get dressed for the date. In true form the outfit that was planned hand to be changed. As I was checking the shirt for wrinkles I noticed spots and had to pick what turned out to be a better option, my teal blue shirt from express. It always got compliments.

I met Big at the restaurant and we both were running late and when we walked in I soon learned that Big was not just a nick name. He was immediately recognized by managers and a few of the wait staff. He told me how he sometimes brought clients here from work and it was apparent that his patronage was not just welcomed but enjoyed. The waitress was enthusiastic about making recommendations and even added some comps so that I could try some things that we decided we would save for a future visit.

There were moments where I felt left out but soon realized that going with the flow and not having expectations yielded for a more enjoyable time. From trying duck hearts to going out with him on his smoke breaks the night was just one happy moment after the other.

I was warned beforehand that it was going to be a lot of food but that was an understatement. By the time the lamb arrived I was stuffing the food in but it was well worth it. I thought we were at the end but there was still desert and that was awesome as well a type of ice cream sandwich with coca powder then a desert with shredded filo dough and berries accompanied by a French press. I was on cloud nine if the night had ended there I would have been more than content but it was far from over.

We then went to Helium comedy club where none stop laughs were accompanied by cocktails. The end result was a man who could not stop smiling and left me wanting to break the rules of proper courtship. I was given a ride home and a good, good night kiss.

I walked in the door thinking, “Am I really dating the gay Mister Big?” 

Mister Big?

After dealing with a few bad dates and time wasters I decided to venture out and take a walk on the wild side. He messaged me on A4A like so many men have done before except he had actually messaged me before. This time we decided to meet. He offered to treat me to happy hour at Valanni.

The day of our date it was raining and we both ended up being late I was more late than he was. When I arrived he was everything I imagined, tall and handsome but older. He was every bit of a gentleman. We talked about my mother and what was going on with her and then we talked about our jobs and small things like the weather. While talking about his job he explained how his friends said he looked like Mister Big from Sex and the City. I did not see the resemblance but when picturing him in a suit I could see how he could fit the roll.

Later he explained he was a smoker and asked me to join him outside. I found it odd that he would ask me to join him for his cigarette but I figured he was paying and because he insisted I obliged. It was outside that we began to talk about my smoking history. I told him how I had quit several months ago and he talked about how he has tried every way to quit and nothing worked.

The night went on and I just found there not to be any spark. Here I am on a date with a man who is literally 20 years older than me, divorced from his wife, has a 17 year old daughter, a bad 5 year gay relationship and smokes.

Before I knew it he was drunk, the bartender and I both were shocked that he finished an entire bottle of vodka by himself. He denied it but when the check arrived it was evident that this 6’4 man definitely drank a whole bottle. I had to figure out the tip for him. When he went to the bathroom our bartender asked if it was our first date and I told her it was. To which she replied, “He is good sugar daddy material.” I laughed it off but that was exactly it I could not see him as more than a sugar daddy and that was unattractive. He made several comments throughout the night about how he makes a lot of money and could see his daughter and I shopping while he carried the bags.

As we walked out he handed me flowers. He was blatantly drunk and remembered that when he was sober he bought me flowers. I felt completely emasculated it’s one thing to by drinks and appetizers it’s another to just apply Hetero-normatives.

I gave him a pass and told him I would go on a second date with him. I figured he was not used to dating men or was aware of proper etiquette. He being too drunk meant that I had to take SEPTA home, and so I did, carrying a small bouquet of pink and yellow tea roses. 

Single And Happy . . . Finally!!!

What is wrong with being single? Anyone alive can name more than a few people who are unhappily attached. There are those who are in relationship but hardly see one another, they just like having the title. There are those who are in a relationship but they are always fighting, breaking up means having to look for someone new. Then there are those who are always dating for the fear of being alone or the ones who keep retrying things with their exes. The truth in it all is if you are unhappy in your relationship, the problem is you.

Choosing to be single teaches a person a major valuable lesson, “I control my own happiness.” The advice that I have given to all my friends is, the moment you begin enjoying life with just you, someone will come along to try and ruin it.  I say it in jest but the truth is the moment you stop looking for love is the moment it finds you. Every major relationship I had, Mister M, Doctor MeTo, Mister Cocky all began when I decided to willfully reject a relationship, but my hormones got the best of me and I allowed myself into some bad situations. But I digress.

The point all in all is that being single allows one the opportunity that is essential for living happily. It allows you to figure out you, to figure out what you want in a partner, to figure out how to enjoy you and eventually figure out how you enjoy others.

Dating yourself, it may seem crazy but how can you ask someone to spend the rest of their live with you if you can’t spend time with just you. Is there anything wrong with going to the movies by yourself, or out to dinner, or to go to a bar and have a drink? I have done it and once you get past, “OMG others are judging me,” you begin to have a great time.

After you get used to spending time alone in public you can start to weed through your friends. Friends who judge more than they support or encourage are absolutely USELESS. Get rid of them even if it means you end up having to make all new friends. Once you find a friend or two who are willing to be supportive, fun and ask only for the same in return, you have learned how to pick useful people. Sure you will find people who are fun and that you enjoy spending a night out with but recognize them for who they are don’t try to make them what they are not. The time will come when you will stop seeing them or they piss you off and you will just shrug them away, easy come easy go if they are meant to be in your life then it will work out so that they stay.

This may all seem like a lot of work and it is and it takes time but once you start to enjoy yourself on the solo the rest will come naturally. You will naturally protect yourself. You will start to see people approaching and notice that they have something in there life that you do not want in yours and will walk away.

It took me awhile but I would have to say I finally got to the point where I was done with letting any and everybody in my life right around Thanksgiving. Having just broken up with Mister Cocky, MeTo and I were giving friendship and honest try. Things were going well until I noticed it was a week since he responded to my last text and then when I would try to call he would reject it. I had a question for him and it hurt that without warning he was ignoring me again. So I gave up on him. I was doing fine with it all until one night while talking to my mother I got a reminder on my phone about our anniversary, It would had been 5 years and I tried to text and call and he still refused to respond. So I wrote about it and went to bed.

Since then I have found better outlets for dealing with reoccurring past hurts than reaching out to those who are only looking out for themselves.

My friends have not changed much Niki, Dave, Dan, Jaiye, Jay, GiGi and most recently a guy I met at work who is the white straight version of myself. My exes are just that exes, X-ed out of my day to day life with little reason to talk about them.

I have way too much family and a strong cast of friends to spend any real serious time on finding a boyfriend. When it is meant to happen it will happen. But I do however take pleasure in the fact that all my exes are unhappily single where I am ecstatic and enjoying every little bit of life, including the fact that I do not have a man . . . yet. 

What Happens There Stays There ???

Several weeks after returning to Philly I was harassed on Facebook because of something on Grindr. Apparently my screen name of Gallifreyan with the headline of, “good little bottom, no hookups,” is controversial.

I have two separate Facebook accounts one for my blog and on for the closest of friends and family. My mother is a friend on my family account and I do not post things that are pertaining to who I am dating or what she refers to as my gay life. My friends are all well aware of this. But this one particular friend decided to take a screen shot of my Grindr account and post it on my wall, my other friend who knows that hardships I faced coming out, because he was my boyfriend at the time, decided to comment and make merry of it. When I called the two of them out on it instead of realizing the trouble they could have caused me and apologize I was harassed for being upset and not having an account that they approved of.

Back and forth we went until he finally admitted to the fact that he did not like how I acted when I met his mother while I was in Vegas.

Several weeks later several conversations and jokes he is bringing up something that could have been dealt with while I was still in Vegas. I decided to hold my ground if this was the disrespect I was going to get from him, then I was not budging no matter how it might destroy my friendship.

He refused to see things my way failed to acknowledge the fact that he said thing to upset me while I was in Vegas, that he failed to even attempt to include me in his circle during the super bowl and that even after I confronted him on it all he made light of it all and dismissed it.

When he decided to become judgmental of the progress I had made with depression I told him he had no right especially not knowing the kind of day I had. I finally dismissed him and it was weeks before we spoke again. 

Trouble in Las Vegas

I can honestly say that I was warned. Everyone who I told about my vacation and who I was going to stay with all made that face. The one that says, “Something is going to happen.” Some expressed concern. I was told that we were going to have sex, some said a fight, others smiled and hoped for us to reunite but I was not prepared for what was to actually happen.

I honestly thought that Mister M and I had it all figured out. I honestly thought that MeTo was gone for sure but it would seem that when it rains it pours. M and I were on our way to the Wicked Spoon Buffet for brunch. I was decked out in my brand new black and white number complete with coordinating hat. I was excited until I looked at my phone.

“Hey Victor its (blank), how are you.”

I responded with “(Blank) who?”

“Your ex, how are you?”

My stomach sank, I did not want to deal with this during my vacation. I wanted to throw my phone away and pretend that I never saw it but my emotions got the best of me. Before I knew it my heart was feeling all kinds of things and my mind was swimming with responses. I wanted to curse him out, tell him how poorly I thought of him but I composed myself and with one word answers I got him to tell me that he was listening to Rihanna and Beyoncé and it made him think of me. All the hurt that I thought I had moved passed was back.

Soon I stopped responding and went on to explore the Vegas strip with Mister M. it was a fun night even after I went to meet his mother and stepfather. From a bar to their house it was a good time getting to know M’s mother but soon I felt like a third wheel when stepdad went off to do his own thing and M and his mother decided to have a heart to heart. It felt awkward to listen so I watched the movie that was playing until it stopped, I assumed that the disk just got stuck. I sipped my drink in silence until Mom bid us a good night and M and I were left alone.

I was asked if I wanted to spend the night and I expressed that I had nothing to change into. I was tired and just wanted to go to sleep. I had felt that way for over an hour and was patiently waiting for the moment where M would tell his mom we would see her the next day at the Super Bowl party. There was no communication, M would make snippy comments about how I was not used to the climate, he then asked me to go outside because he wanted to show me something, I expressed that I wanted to stay in because it was cold, he insisted he wanted to show me something so I played along. Then I was told a cab was coming so we went to wait in the front of the house. I had not eaten since brunch and his mother made it clear that there was nothing to eat in the house. I was freezing I had not planned on being out this late I only had a vest and It was not enough.

I finally had it, I told M that he needed to communicate with me, I was in his circle and some how expected to navigate on my own, I did not know how his family operated and I was frustrated and annoyed. He understood and we decided to sleep over.

In typically fashion we got in bed and began to cuddle, I kissed his hand to express that we were cool and he thanked me. He then said that he was shocked that I spoke up and that he liked it. I expressed that he was not used to the new Victor and he then retorted that, “I knew it was always in there or you would not be here right now.” He then expressed that he was not happy that I said I would figure Vegas out in my one week stay because it took him quite a while.

It was typical Victor and M, we have a fight or misunderstanding and we made up only for him to take a shot at me. I had originally told M that I was going to figure out the busses because I could not relay on him every day to give me a ride everywhere but somehow it was me being critical. And what did he mean buy me being here? As fucked up as our relationship is was there more to it than just friendship? The last time we saw each other we had a similar conversation.

In the mist of all of this we went from cuddling to him saying that we should probably not cuddle, we made out and he then told me that he was not going to have sex with me in his mother’s house and that I had gotten better at kissing. Last I checked I was always a good kisser and why the hell is he being so critical? Why could he not just leave well enough alone? The next day he asked if anything was wrong and I told him no, he then asked why I was being so bitchy. So now because I am quiet I am a bitch?

When I told him that between what he said and MeTo trying to get back in my life my head and heart was fucked up. I could not believe that he was still so critical of me despite how greatly I have grown and how stable my life was. And I felt as though my reason for still being around was not for friendship.

I looked as if he and MeTo both were in that classic case of “I don’t want you but I want someone like you.” The truth of the matter is, it doesn’t exist I am the only me and there is no guy who comes close. I am tired of being held on the back burner and treated as if I am great one day and not good enough the next. MeTo keeps confusing his emotions head and not considering how his actions affect me or how I will feel about him and M is the same case.

I want to be done with MeTo walking away from me and ignoring me for moths and then coming back as if nothing happened, it’s not something I will stand for. And as for M I am still in Vegas and I am staying with him but I no longer see him like I once did I don’t feel there is anything attracting me to him and one big thing he made evident is that there is a lot about me he does not know, he didn’t even know my dad passed away. So it may be time to seriously consider that while MeTo and M are two of my greatest loves it might be true to say that neither of them are the one or fit for friendship with a man of my caliber  

Again with Sex and the City?

When I hit 22 I became obsessed with Sex and the city. You can go back and read my blog and trust me when I say you will lose count of the plethora of references to sex and the city. It was not until last year that I gave up on the whole hunt for mister big. I had come to terms that Doctor MeTo was just who he was and not Aiden and that Mister M was just who he was, not a Mister Big.

For years It had drove me crazy hoping to find Mister Right, the man who would be there for me and thinking that it was someone I had already dated only created problems where they did not exist. The New Year brought a new awakening. Doctor MeTo in short was the biggest disappointment and would always be remembered as such and Mister M was a true friend. There were other Exes such as Eddy and Mister Cocky and Lou who had taken their places in my life.

Eddy Was the friend who would never let me go, Mister Cocky was a waste of time and Lou is another blessing, he is a best friend.

MeTo is out of my life he decided to cut me out for the last time and so I blocked him from ever being able to contact me. Cocky still has no clue as to what he wants, he claims he wants to be friends but cannot see me in person because of his sexual attraction to me. Whenever I talk to him on the phone it always turns into him wanting another chance and begging me to have sex with him to see if we have feelings for one another. I have decided to cut off communication with him as well.

As for Eddy he is still dealing with cancer and wants us to try and be in a relationship but I just cannot see it ever working. We are far too different and he is way too young. Lou and I are planning to move in together around April or May.

Ultimately my plan is to continue working, go on as many trips to as many different places as I can then pick the one that I have the most love for and move. I am over looking for love in Philadelphia. One night I was talking to Lou and he mentioned how a certain relationship still had traces of comparison to Big and Carrie. I was disappointed, I don’t want to be able to compare my life or the people in it to anyone in some show or novel. In my early twenties my friends and I did it all the time from Noah’s ARC and Sex and the City to Queer As Folk and Real Housewives of Atlanta. It was exhausting and gave us all warped images of reality.

Sometimes you do get the classic happy ending where the two of you realize that all the time you loved each other and were meant to be but more often than not you fall for someone else that you thought you would never fall for and end up having a life better than you had imagined. The key to it all is you have to always let go of the past and stop forcing things to happen. Carrie only got Big after she decided to let go of New York and the idea of finding her one true love there.

Great things happen when you open your heart to the possibility that there is something better for you than you can comprehend. True happiness is always beyond comprehension. We create in our heads these scenarios where we will be happy, we imagine how prince charming or mister right will come along, what he will be wearing and we shut out the possibility that we are wrong. The result is a life of searching when several times over we have come in contact with the person or on several occasions we would have met the one had we been more apt to move on from our current situation.

A lot can be said for television it is always entertaining and inspired by real life but some of the most entertaining moments in our lives are boring to others. Here I am sitting in Las Vegas in the apartment of Mister M playing out the same scenario as always, except this time I recognize it for what it is, this is our friendship this is how we operate. I cannot hold out in hopes that he will come to me one day and tell me I am the one. I have to accept that the future is the future and I must live my life recognizing that I have no clue what is going to happen. All I can do is ensure that I am happy in my present.

My early twenties have taught me a lot and made for some entertaining blogging but 30 is not far off and I feel as though I have not lived my life because I have always been searching for love, promising myself that the fun part of my life will begin once I have met my husband but I have to ask myself, will I ever find a husband? I have to enjoy the now and leave the future in the future. MeTo was a basket that carried a lot of my eggs and that basket had holes and eventually it fell out of my life. No matter how close someone gets to me I will always remember how badly I felt when he toyed with my heart like a cat with a mouse. I can never allow myself to wallow in such emotional tumultuousness I must look out for myself and remember that if I cannot keep myself happy then I cannot expect anyone else to do it for me and I will not be able to make anyone else happy. If I am happy as a single person then there is no need to rush and find love no matter how small or Big. 

Should Have Been 5

Today would have marked the 5 year anniversary of Doctor Meto and me. I should feel nothing but I do in fact feel something. I would love nothing more than to say while Meto and I did not work out that we were still friends who realize while we are not meant for one another we do have respect and love to the point that were are in some capacity still friends.

For weeks I have been going over it in my head, why the sudden distance, why the ignored phone calls and text? I get angry that for the past two years he would confess his love and pull me in only to push me away and break my heart over and over. I would pray and hope each time would be different, that at some point he would just come to me and say, “It’s time that we just be friends,” or “Let’s stop playing around and meet on this day at this time to discuss us.” But no such conversation ever came.

I try to blame it all on him or blame it on some defect, I try to vilify him and it is difficult because if I make him out to be a villain then what does that make me? I would be the man who dated a villain, I would be a fool who saw a devil as an angel. 

I came out of 2013 stronger and healthier than I went in but the whole time my heart was broken. Meto said he cared and all I wanted was to reach out and feel that he was there but each time I was met with distance.

I do not hate Meto and I do not wish him ill, I would love for us to be friend’s distant friends as it would be but still friends, we used to live together and we were engaged to be married, we made many happy memories with his family and our friends. My question to anyone reading is, “Does it matter, should I let it all go as just one big misstate?”

My Question to Meto, “Did you ever really love me, did you mean what you said, and do you respect me as a person?” 

Broken Trust (Preview)

You know so many men claim to want to find love and settle down. The find the person they claim to be the right fit and give the impression to be falling hard. We have all heard the story of the guy who seemed like he was the one only to turn around and walk away with someone else, cheated, or began acting uninterested and when called on it made it seem like the other person was needy, overbearing, had trust issues, and was too much to deal with. 

Actions speak louder than words don't be all hot and heavy and then do a 180 its men like you that make it bad for all the good ones. I think its time for a game changer. I no longer trust anyone i am dating and shall precede with my life as such. Trust is something one has to earn and once earned if you lose it don't expect to get it back.

Mr, cocky has broken my trust and when given a second chance he played games. My friends are screaming for me to seek vengeance. it just might be time for Mr. Cocky to meet Titus Sheldon. 

My Love Life

"Stop Me"

(Mark Ronson feat. Daniel Merriweather)

Stop me, oh, stop me

Stop me if you think that you've

Heard this one before

Stop me, oh, stop me

Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before

Nothing's changed

I still love you, oh, I still love you

...Only slightly, only slightly less than I used to, my love

I was delayed, I was way-laid

An emergency stop

I saw the last ten seconds of life

I crashed down on the crossbar

And the pain was enough to make

A shy, bald, Buddhist reflect

And plan a mass murder

Who said lied I'd to her ?

Oh, who said I'd lied because I never ? I never !

Who said I'd lied because I never ?

I was detained, I was restrained

And broke my knee

And broke my spleen

(and then he really laid into me)

Friday night in Out-patients

Who said I'd lied to her ?

Oh, who said I'd lied ? - because I never, I never

Who said I'd lied ? - because I never

Oh, so I drank one

It became four

And when I fell on the floor ...

...I drank more

Stop me, oh, stop me

Stop me if you think that you've

Heard this one before

Stop me, oh, stop me

Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before

Nothing's changed

I still love you, oh, I still love you

...Only slightly, only slightly less than I used to, my love

Set free me why don't you

get out my life why don't you

Cause you don't really love me, no

You just keep my hanging on

Set me free why don't you girl

get out my life why don't you babe

Cause you don't really love me, no, no

You just keep my hanging on

My Dirty Little Secret.

Many say that it is a disgusting habit, and I being an “off and on” smoker now for 8 years have my own opinions. But the truth of the matter is that different people smoke for different reasons. Most people are honestly addicted to nicotine while others simply cannot let go of the repetitious behavior that is the act of smoking. Some people smoke so infrequently that they still get that high with every cigarette while others do it for social reasons.

Tobacco companies know all the different reasons people smoke and are doing all they can to see to it that no matter how high the taxes get on a pack of smokes, people will want to feel the need to keep lighting up.

At birth I was thrust into a world where I would have a permanent memory of the havoc that cigarette abuse can cause to a person. My grandfather was already on a respirator and confined to bed with emphysema. My mother and grandmother explained as soon as they thought I would understand that pop pop was in his condition because he smoked cigarettes.

I fell in love with my grandfather, he was such a sweet and kind hearted man that to this day when you mention him people are quick to share a story of how awesome he was. I would sit in his room and we would talk for hours or watch TV. He loved the company and I just loved being around him. He would sometimes slip me candy before dinner and tell me not to tell my grandmother, she was often in the kitchen cooking at the time.

It was the loss of my grandfather that began my long road to understanding death. I remember the day he went into the hospital and how much I wanted to go visit. I remember the bowls of cereal he would send home with my mother so that I would know he was thinking of me. I also remember the night that I was taken with my sister to my paternal grandmother’s because my pop pop had passed away. I was barely four and lost my first best friend.

At his funeral my uncle lifted me up and told me to say, “Bye pop pop.” I did as instructed knowing that it was the last time I would be able to ever see him. I did not know what death was but I knew at that moment Pop Pop was gone. At the internment I remember nothing else but watching them lower his silver casket into the ground. The lesson my family all took from this was that we should never smoke.

I was 20 years old and living in my first apartment and the peer pressure was astounding. When I was 18 I had smoked a cigarette at a concert and hated it. Now I was told about the joys of pot and cigars. I took to trying cigars and then cigarillos which then lead to me trying Marlboro’s then Newport 100’s. My work mom smoked 100’s because on her smoke break it took less time to smoke a half a 100 than it did a full short and half a 100’s gave just the right amount of nicotine she needed.

For several years I smoked off and on. I would quit cold turkey and be fine for sometimes more than a year. Then I would start stress smoking which would be so sporadic that most people did not even know I smoked.  While living with MeTo I managed to quit for over two years only smoking when with friends in Philly on an extremely rare occasion.

Then I moved back to Philly and hit with the stress of JR and MeTo I began smoking again. The following January I found a reason to quit cold turkey and did with much success until I was walking from the Couch Tomato Café. I was having a bad day I had to move and so I stopped into CVS and instead of ordering my old friend Newport I got what started it all, Marlboro Red 100’s. Just goes to show you I like most things in my life to be red.

I labeled myself a stress smoker and people only got to see me smoke if I was in a stressful situation and then I learned to handle stress in a different way so I stopped smoking.  

It was this past June while in MCES that I started smoking again, every friend that I made was a smoker and so on smoke breaks I would join them in the smoke room and light one up. Once out I went right for the emergency stress pack I had stashed away and have been smoking ever since. Every time I get to the last cigarette I take my time about replacing the pack in hopes to quit but something happens and I run to the Rite Aid at work or the Korean near home and buy another pack.

One time I had decided I was done and then I went off my meds and I became so stressed and angry that I wanted just one which led to a new pack. Then there was the weekend MeTo and I started talking again and I was beginning to think he was not being honest and was seeing other people so I figured I would buy a pack to get me through the weekend, I did not want to buy them but every time a bad though would cross my mind about MeTo I would light up and feel a lot better.

For me I still get that high occasionally and the recent infrequency is making me consider quitting but this time is the hardest. I tried going cold turkey like all the times before but my will power is not there. I tried switching brands to something I hated but it beat NOT smoking. I don’t know if it is the meds or the fact that I honestly have trouble with dealing with stress but the motion of lighting and taking drag after drag is what has got me hooked, it is the entire art of smoking that soothes me and calms me down. I want to quit but I am finding it hard to align everything in my mind to do it.

I remember my Pop Pop and I don’t want anyone in my family to go through that and I don’t want to suffer the way he did. I have the motivation but I look at my other grandmother who has smoked all her life and at 74 is still going strong and that puts doubt in my mind as far as health reasons. I know G-d does not want me to smoke, it is polluting his temple, smoking also speeds the aging process and I am too vain to allow that to happen.

They say there is a right time for everything and that a sigh will come. Once it was so I could date anyone I wanted but it’s just me so I guess this is me asking G-d, “Help!”