My Dirty Little Secret.

Many say that it is a disgusting habit, and I being an “off and on” smoker now for 8 years have my own opinions. But the truth of the matter is that different people smoke for different reasons. Most people are honestly addicted to nicotine while others simply cannot let go of the repetitious behavior that is the act of smoking. Some people smoke so infrequently that they still get that high with every cigarette while others do it for social reasons.

Tobacco companies know all the different reasons people smoke and are doing all they can to see to it that no matter how high the taxes get on a pack of smokes, people will want to feel the need to keep lighting up.

At birth I was thrust into a world where I would have a permanent memory of the havoc that cigarette abuse can cause to a person. My grandfather was already on a respirator and confined to bed with emphysema. My mother and grandmother explained as soon as they thought I would understand that pop pop was in his condition because he smoked cigarettes.

I fell in love with my grandfather, he was such a sweet and kind hearted man that to this day when you mention him people are quick to share a story of how awesome he was. I would sit in his room and we would talk for hours or watch TV. He loved the company and I just loved being around him. He would sometimes slip me candy before dinner and tell me not to tell my grandmother, she was often in the kitchen cooking at the time.

It was the loss of my grandfather that began my long road to understanding death. I remember the day he went into the hospital and how much I wanted to go visit. I remember the bowls of cereal he would send home with my mother so that I would know he was thinking of me. I also remember the night that I was taken with my sister to my paternal grandmother’s because my pop pop had passed away. I was barely four and lost my first best friend.

At his funeral my uncle lifted me up and told me to say, “Bye pop pop.” I did as instructed knowing that it was the last time I would be able to ever see him. I did not know what death was but I knew at that moment Pop Pop was gone. At the internment I remember nothing else but watching them lower his silver casket into the ground. The lesson my family all took from this was that we should never smoke.

I was 20 years old and living in my first apartment and the peer pressure was astounding. When I was 18 I had smoked a cigarette at a concert and hated it. Now I was told about the joys of pot and cigars. I took to trying cigars and then cigarillos which then lead to me trying Marlboro’s then Newport 100’s. My work mom smoked 100’s because on her smoke break it took less time to smoke a half a 100 than it did a full short and half a 100’s gave just the right amount of nicotine she needed.

For several years I smoked off and on. I would quit cold turkey and be fine for sometimes more than a year. Then I would start stress smoking which would be so sporadic that most people did not even know I smoked.  While living with MeTo I managed to quit for over two years only smoking when with friends in Philly on an extremely rare occasion.

Then I moved back to Philly and hit with the stress of JR and MeTo I began smoking again. The following January I found a reason to quit cold turkey and did with much success until I was walking from the Couch Tomato Café. I was having a bad day I had to move and so I stopped into CVS and instead of ordering my old friend Newport I got what started it all, Marlboro Red 100’s. Just goes to show you I like most things in my life to be red.

I labeled myself a stress smoker and people only got to see me smoke if I was in a stressful situation and then I learned to handle stress in a different way so I stopped smoking.  

It was this past June while in MCES that I started smoking again, every friend that I made was a smoker and so on smoke breaks I would join them in the smoke room and light one up. Once out I went right for the emergency stress pack I had stashed away and have been smoking ever since. Every time I get to the last cigarette I take my time about replacing the pack in hopes to quit but something happens and I run to the Rite Aid at work or the Korean near home and buy another pack.

One time I had decided I was done and then I went off my meds and I became so stressed and angry that I wanted just one which led to a new pack. Then there was the weekend MeTo and I started talking again and I was beginning to think he was not being honest and was seeing other people so I figured I would buy a pack to get me through the weekend, I did not want to buy them but every time a bad though would cross my mind about MeTo I would light up and feel a lot better.

For me I still get that high occasionally and the recent infrequency is making me consider quitting but this time is the hardest. I tried going cold turkey like all the times before but my will power is not there. I tried switching brands to something I hated but it beat NOT smoking. I don’t know if it is the meds or the fact that I honestly have trouble with dealing with stress but the motion of lighting and taking drag after drag is what has got me hooked, it is the entire art of smoking that soothes me and calms me down. I want to quit but I am finding it hard to align everything in my mind to do it.

I remember my Pop Pop and I don’t want anyone in my family to go through that and I don’t want to suffer the way he did. I have the motivation but I look at my other grandmother who has smoked all her life and at 74 is still going strong and that puts doubt in my mind as far as health reasons. I know G-d does not want me to smoke, it is polluting his temple, smoking also speeds the aging process and I am too vain to allow that to happen.

They say there is a right time for everything and that a sigh will come. Once it was so I could date anyone I wanted but it’s just me so I guess this is me asking G-d, “Help!”