Drama and the Real Gays of Philadelphia.

The Sunday after my birthday was Easter Sunday and I had the day off so I figured I would go to the city (Philadelphia) and hang out with my friends.  All attended except Lou, some excuse about being tired and having no money, Typical Lou.  I listened to his excuse and although not legit, I let him off.

I met RJ and Phil in Upper Darby and then we went to Jaiye’s job to pick him up.  We bumped into Jaiye’s boyfriend and we all chatted until he left and then I talked to RJ about his recent activities with a married man.

Recently Jaiye told me that RJ had quite a good time one night with a married man, which turned into a good day with the married man’s family.  There was no shame coming from RJ.  The story got even better once I talked to RJ.

RJ explained that the person was in the army and of course in true RGOP fashion, was well built and sexy.  The man was married to a woman and apparently in the closet and wanted to fool around with another person.  I never did find out how the two met but I think it is safe to assume it was A4A.  RJ continued to tell me that after the two had quite a night they met the next day to hang out with the married man’s family where RJ met the wife friended  her on Facebook and then looked at RJ photos together where she recognized our friend Lou.  Talk about your six degrease of separation.  All of this was told to me in a “matter of fact” tone.  Oh, you just have to love RJ.

Phil was his typical self and when talk of Pride came up, we found out he would not attend, as he has to study for the MCAT’s.  Typical Phil unable to take a break from studying and his new Love was about to go away to San Francesco to do more research required for his PhD.

Once jay got in the car we were off to the gay-borhood, we chose our typical quiet spot at Q lounge.  We were officially celebrating my birthday and talk turned to the new Real Gays of Philadelphia.

Many people try to mimic TV in their lives and a few even think they should have a TV show but in this new world of reality TV, my group of friends could definitely keep viewers not only entertained but also shocked.

We talked about how all the things affecting our lives.  We talked about our boyfriends and even about our exes.  We even talked about how our search for love helped get us to this point in life.  The picture we took at my engagement party was all over Facebook and when the night was done and we were on our way to the car, we were spotted.  “Aren’t you the Real gays of Philadelphia?” asked a tyranny and Jaiye hit the sky and I was floored and drunk.  We were given ammunition and I fired all the way back to the car.  I was loud and free talking to whoever would listen and asked, “Do you know who I am,” to those who thought I was being strange.

At the parking lot, we found someone that Jaiye knew which is typical; we chatted and decided that they were not at our speed so we went back to Jaiye’s house.  I was drunk, I was down for whatever, and then I was hungry so we went to Wawa a place I hadn’t been to since I was an official Pa resident.  I got a bowl and many other things.  After eating, I passed out.

That morning I got up with Jaiye, he went to work and I went to west Philly.  I saw my aunt and we caught up then I went to see my grandmother and time just flew.  I rushed home and MeTo had a lovely Easter dinner waiting along with an Easter basket.  I was so touched it was such a sweet thing.  The basket showed he knew how I felt about Easter with a touch of his own ideas.

We ate dinner with our roommate and the night was great.

And Then It’s 24

For the first time in my life I did not anticipate my birthday, to be honest I kept forgetting it was around the corner. It was not because I feared getting older, that I welcome, it was just that so much was going on. I was working a new job, I was preparing to go to Miami, we were looking for a new apartment, and I had so much to be happy for in my life there was no longing to have a day where I would be the ceneter and focus of everyone’s attention.

When my birthday hit I was awake at midnight working on Bethéa Indigo and the messages began to flood in. at 12:03 my phone rang and it was Jayie to wish me a happy birthday, he was on a streak of being the first to wish all his friends a happy birthday.

MeTo was more excited about my birthday than I was which makes since, as I am usually more excited about his than he is.  I was tired so I went to bed and when I woke up I was surprised with a bubble bath and then breakfast and roses.  If had did nothing else for me all day I would have still been the happiest man in the world.

Later as we got dressed to go apartment hunting MeTo and our roommate came in with a gift.  I knew what it was once I heard it was from both of them but I managed to look surprised and thrilled.  It was a basket full of dark Ghirardelli chocolate and some kind of coffee. I was happy to have plain coffee.  All the coffee we on hand was flavored and I was sick of it.

Later that night MeTo took me out to SoHo one of the upscale restaurants in  New Brunswick. It was amazing we did our best to observe the rules of Passover. The food was great and the company even better.  We took our time eating then went to Dunkin Donuts for coffee. With it being passive it meant no donuts and after just having meat we could not have milk in out coffee.  One look at the time and we had to make haste.  I had an early morning and it was getting late.

I wanted nothing more than to show MeTo my appreciation the way people in love typically do but I was tired. We cuddled and before I knew it I was having the rid of my life.  A 30min birthday present for the both of us.

Bethea Indigo Here We Go.

So I had taken a break from blogging to deal with life. One of the main things I had planned on dealing with was launching a new VixcB.com, but much to my dismay it was not as easy as I had hoped. I had designed the sight to my liking, but when I went to add the blogging structure, things got hairy.

I had given myself until my birthday to have this finished and while life prevented me from working as diligently as I should have, what I had I was ready to launch. I figured since I had my mind set on the layout and that it was finished with the exception of the back end stuff, I would simply upload and tweak from there, but as the back was the most important I had no choice but to put it on hold.

I then came up with a great idea to get some promo stuff for VixcB.com it was quite exciting picking out magnets and cards with a catchy design and just the right information to make inquiring minds visit my site. In all of this I found another problem. Bethea Indigo had no logo and for that matter nothing had a logo. So I set out to find a logo for everything. Many hours in photo shop and word with all my many fonts and eureka I was on the right path but it took a whole day before I was happy with the first logo.

I decided that word press was my best bet for my blogging setup so I found a few blog layouts that I could easily manipulate and began to work from there.

It is quite fascinating what I have learned and accomplished in the past few week when it comes to blogging. I hope to have it all done soon but in the mean time, Bethéa indigo and all its subsidiaries are looking like they will soon have not only a uniform look but it is going to be fabulous.

So long Hollister, Hello Panera

The following Post is Rated PG13 for adult theme. Reader discretion advised.

It was towards the middle of March I had had it with Hollister.  I went to work and they gave me a list and told me to get it done.  It was all cleaning task.  I looked at the list and could not recall them telling me cleaning was in my job description.  I hated the job and the training process.  If it had not been for me having an interview down stairs I would have quit on the spot.

Right after my interview with Hollister, I had one with Express and Panera offered me a job followed by Hollister.  I really wanted the job at Panera; I wanted the discount from Hollister.

Hollister’s discount became useless as I did not like their clothes and with the discount, clothing was still expensive, and they did everything in their power to force me to buy their clothes due to their dress code.  I had planned to quit the day after the cleaning incident but I was way too sick to call out.  I figured for 7.25 they would get the gist after I didn’t show up after two days. I ended up being sick for 5 days and they were still calling me to see if I was coming back.

Panera offered me more money right off the back and it was a happy place to work not to mention the discounts and free food. So I told Panera I was totally free and before I knew it I was working decent hours and loving it not for the pay but to be working in a happy place.

Here comes the dry spell

After I started getting better MeTo got sick I woke up to the sound of him throwing up in the bathroom. I was worried but knew to keep calm and wait till he got back to bed. It was not a long wait and I could tell he was not doing well. I asked what was wrong and to be honest it was graphic to the point that without details I will say he was really sick.

When I was sick I was taking alkalselter  and Tylenol, I gave him pepto and Imodium. It looked as if he had a touch of the flu and not what I had. Three days later he was good to go almost and I was almost at 100% myself but my sex drive was just gone. To be quite honest I had been with him in our apartment for over a week. Yeah we got out a few times but we were with each other for almost the entire time.

I was not in the mode to get even closer to him. It was not long before this became a problem. It got to the point that we had a little spat and it was not until I forced myself to have a little distance and got pumped up that we had sex and even then it was not that great. The next morning we had it out which relived the tension.

We began counting and our average was 1 to 2 times a week, our normal goal is three or four. On top of us not “coloring” I was also on a strange sleep cycle. Many nights I just could not sleep. I would go to bed toss and turn get up then return to bed around 4 or 5 leaving me to tired to get it on.

I had decided to talk to my friends about this and I came to the conclusion that my body was trying to reset itself. I mean I had a birthday around the corner and my life was somewhat hectic. MeTo just settled for the once a week and began trying to get things together. But once my sleep schedule got on track the “coloring” did as well.

The Party on March 6th

Well, things have been so hectic that I have not blogged for well over a month now.  Yeah there were posts containing a video here and there but not the typical stuff, you my loyal readers come to read.  So what has been happening with me?  I am unsure where to start so I will do my best.

Therefore, the last real post I mentioned that my mother and I were not talking, well not much has changed on that front.  I am still unsure how to talk to here and I sure as hell do not need to hear that, if I do not change I am doomed for hell. 

MeTo and I had a blast planning the party and the excitement by everyone built up so quickly that I knew I had to show off.  I focused more on the menu and decorations than I did my outfit.  It is good that I have a decent wardrobe with things that I can choose from at the last minute and still look my best.

There was lots of shopping and plenty of people asked what to bring, my in-laws tried their hardest to keep the stress levels down.  They took us shopping and got most of the cheese and chicken wings.  With my mind preoccupied on the party I failed to realize how big a misstate I made taking a job at Hollister.

I will admit I gave it some thought and while the discount sounded great and I loved the fact I was getting out of the house the job was not up to par for Vixc-B.  A word of advice, if you take a job at a place that plays loud music, dim lighting and has issues such as excessive stealing, it is not a place you want to work.

The Hollister I worked at lost 230 items a week and, tried everything but lowering the music and using brighter lights.  It was hard to see and hear and it made working there and shopping there more work than necessary.

Before I knew it, it was the day of the party and the text were flying in, this was a big deal and I was extremely excited that ALL the “Real Gays of Philadelphia” were attending.  I was working on cupcakes, turkey balls and bread among many other things.  I had mentioned to MeTo that we should try the carpet powder I saw on TV.  We were so happy to see that it really helped to get the carpet clean.

It was not long before I lost track of time, it was party time, and the decorations still were not up so I began to delegate task and as guest arrived, I disappeared to shower and get dressed.  When I was done, it was good timing as the guest really started pouring in.

My friend john was the first one there so I put him in charge of putting up the last of the decorations.  At the end of my shower, everything was perfect and John had presents for me.  A silk tie with matching cufflinks and pocket square, a set of chopsticks and a bottle of wine, he also brought homemade baklava, it pays to have Greek friends, especially ones who just got back from vacation. 

As the guests arrived, so did the alcohol, I was shocked to see that some people brought two bottles.  My martini party had become just a party.  When my BFFs arrived, it was really a party.  Jay brought a huge bag full of liquor and started to make drinks.  It was such a happy night, a crowded, love filled, excited night.  Everyone got along and all was merry.

MeTo and I even got presents, cards, and gift cards, translation Time to go shopping. One of the best things about having a gay party is the clean up.  Someone always ensures there is nothing to clean by the end of the party.

As the party went on, we noticed that someone was MIA.  Louis had drunk far too much and pissed the RGOP off.  We did not let it ruin the night we took a picture that is sure to be famous and could not help but talk about relationships, sex, and of course, how MeTo proposed.  It was a night to remember and Jay and I were so happy to attend a party for grownups.

Comming Soon . . .

Out I have been working on catching up with the blogging, over the next couple of days.  Be prepared to see post talking about things from March 6 and bring you up to date with me, Vixc-B and introducing “The Real Gays of Philadelphia.

As you will soon see life has been quite hectic with parties, birthdays, moving, fights, make-ups and cheaters.  My live is entertaining and I hope you are prepared to read.

I love Butters, No Homo.

THIS ROCKS!!!

So Honest !!! LOLz

What do you think?

Like Really. LOLz

All Backd Up, A Big One

I know you, my readers have been wondering where the hell I have been and what I have been up to.  I know that it is not like me to just stop blogging without some kind of heads up.  I know that the juicy details of my life are quite entertaining and that some of my posts have even been inspirational.  Well I have to tell yah that you have not seen anything yet.

The life of Vixc B has been anything but boring these past few weeks. I have had two jobs, a party, and a fight with MeTo.  There were several cab rides and met many new people.  Just when I thought, I got a grip on my life and was settling down to enjoy a little autopilot.  Trips were planned and I was reminded that in less than a week I am turning 24.  Heard to believe that my 24th birthday is right in the middle of so much happening in my life that I am not planning anything big, but when you hear about all that I have been up to and all that is, coming you won’t blame me.  I just hope I have time to keep my loyal reader abreast.

Life Now

So it would seem the closer that I get to the engagement party the worse things are getting between my mother and I. most recently I received a voice mail calling me a jerk for putting my sister in the middle of what she would deem a feud.

After listening to the voice mail I called my sister to see if she was behaving any differently because I was not talking to our mother. She told me that things were as they should be and nothing had changed. I then explained the voice mail and my sister told me if anyone was putting her in the middle it was my mother.

The next morning I get a text from my sister saying that my mother was up at my sister’s school. After a few texts back and forth my sister told me that my mother did not want her to come and visit me at all. I was quick to explain to my sister that I loved her and to call me when she got a chance.

For the past week it has been nothing but my mother. I was struggling with how to handle the situation. My in-laws gave me great input and just as I am digesting and tying to come to some solution, this happens.

After talking to Jay who has been dealing with a similar situation he gave me some good advice. No I just have to get the courage to do it.

Mother

For an odd reason I was not feeling to productive.  I sat every day at my computer to write and it was like trying to squeeze that last bit of toothpaste from the tube. I got some things down but nothing met my new standards.  I wrote the book review and even tried to write an inspirational blog entry.  The result was nothing new.

So I thought that I would try to figure out why this new lack of inspiration. To be quite honest I could attribute a lot of this to my mother.  She is without a doubt reason to blame for many of the things that went wrong in my life.  I would not be so inclined to pass the blame on here if it were not for the fact that I asked her for help in certain areas that I needed and while she refused to help me, she forced her help on my sister.

Two weekends ago, I was talking with MeTo, we were listening to Beethoven and I mentioned that I could have been a violin prodigy.  When I was in 6th grade, my aunt lent me her violin and I taught myself all the basics and could play a few child songs.  At the point when I could not teach myself anything else, I went to my music teacher who was quite impressed.  He then told me I knew all he could teach me, he gave me a tape and I went over it a few times but as it was mostly what I had already learned, which he told me was the case I was still where I started.  I finally broke down and explained my situation to Mother, she was not very sympathetic and told me to go to the church, when I came back and told her how much they charged for a lesson that was the end of that.

I had always wanted to play the saxophone, alto.  When it comes to instruments there are few that impress me, saxophone, guitar, if played a certain way, and the violin. I desperately wanted to play the sax but as you need, an instrument to learn on that was a no go and my aunt lent me her violin.  I was not too broken about no learning the violin; after all, it was not the instrument I wanted to play.

In high school, I was friends with many kids who were in the band; to be honest this was the first time in my life I was able to socialize with people who were not ghetto.  I learned not only that there was a band and a club but also music classes and private lessons.  I felt renewed except there was one issue; I had to buy a sax.  I was in school and my mother hated the idea of me working.  Therefore, for Christmas I begged, pleaded, and swore all I wanted was an alto sax.  She sent me to the net and I found on, a silver alto sax that they were selling on eBay and I sent her the link.

 

I was excited but the closer we got to Christmas the more she implied that my dream was not going to happen.  Before I knew it, she told me it was just not going to happen and I needed to make a proper Christmas list.  It hurt but it hurt more when my sister asked for a guitar almost two years later after never showing any interest in music and got one.  There are few things that cripple me and that was one.  I do not blame my sister but my parents definitely never saw how that electric guitar set ruined high school. 

After awhile I just figured, my parents did not care so I did whatever I could to take my mind off my home life.  To this day if you ask anyone from SJP class of 2005, they will tell you I was known as angry black man.  I did my best to keep why I felt the way I did a secret, it was not the violin or sax but because my home life was just one sax and violin incident after the other. My stepfather did not like me and mother did little to correct the situation.

Later in the week, I was talking to my sister and my homophobic Mother came up in conversation.  I guess my sister figured she would make this call about bad news. She had gotten a nose piercing in addition to her tong ring and navel ring and her third and final tattoos, so she told me.  I hate tattoos, on other people its fine but on my sister, they just look cheap and tacky.

The conversation continued and she told that my mother knew I was getting married. My Mother and she had argued previously but my sister finally told me it started over my engagement.

After I assured my sister of my undying love for her, we proceeded to talk about other things that make us happy.  Mostly what campus life was like?   

After getting off the phone, I went and decided to clean the bookcase.  I found many of my college notebooks and three journals.  One may find it hard to believe but I was never good with keeping a journal. Each journal only had about two or three entries.  One journal only had one entry and that is because my mother bought it for me around the time we stopped talking for an extended period.  The first page was instructions for me to keep track of all my prayers so I could see how G-d was working in my life.  She gave me the journal in addition to a book by T.D. Jakes; I believe it is called, so you think you are a Man?  I started reading the book and the one prayer I had was not to be gay any more.

The other journal, which was my first journal, had entries about how I wished to be a better person and that my father was not sick any more. I talked in a few entries how much I hated life and my family.

The last journal has some folded pages, which turned out to be confessions about my sexuality and some things that I admitted to on here in “No More.” I was also stunned to see how badly my self-esteem was back then. It became apparent to me that I was really good at hiding my emotions when I was younger. It was something I did out of necessity.  My mother and father tended to punish me If I disagreed with their methods even if I was simply explaining how I was feeling.

With this trip down memory lane It gave me lots to think about. At present I have shut off all communication to my mother. She refuses to except me for who I am despite the suffering I did to figure out if this life was for me. if I want to communicate with my mother I cannot talk about anything or one in my life who approves of anything gay. This is hard to do when you are marring a man who everyone but your mother likes.

This week I talked to my future father-in-law who went through a similar situation when he and his wife decided to marry outside their religions. There were two outcomes, one for either side and while I hope for my mother to come around I have a feeling that she rather never see me again then to accept the fact I am married to a man who makes me happy in ways the she could only wish my step father would do for her. 

Swish

book,review,swish,gay,reading

As you, all know I chose the book Swish, by Joel Derfner, to read for the month of January.  I chose the book because of the title and from what I read of the synopses.  I figured what a great way to start this new segment of my blog.  A book about how a fellow gay man tried to become the gayest person ever.

I began reading the book and right away, there was humor, there was a moment I had to put the book down because I was laughing so hard.  The rest of the book, when considering the synopsis, was a disappointment. It was hard to find much of what Derfner tried to put off as humor funny.  The book is about and insecure homosexual male who is trying to find ways to deal with his, insecurities and mental afflictions.

The synopsis implies that Derfner wanted to be the gayest gay ever.  To most of the world, the gay community included, we take this to mean that he tried to be a shining example of a gay stereotype.  Promiscuous sex, clubbing, catty attitude, flashy attire, feminine tendencies.  If this is not what he meant by becoming the gayest person ever then he failed to explain what he thought becoming the gayest person ever meant to him.

While the book failed to deliver on it promises of humor and implied venture, it was still an awesome read.  Joel suffers from a few mental aliments, which all seem to take turns controlling aspects of his life.  The way in which he goes about dealing with them is typical of gay males.  He uses sex at one point to deal with life and when he finds that things have gotten out of hand, he moves onto the next venture.

Joel never dose the total gay thing, we later find out that he is not a fan of gay bars or clubs, which I feel helped to make him an even better gay by the end of the book. While he thinks himself to be better than most and is constantly raising standards for finding true love we see that he comes to the realization that you cannot really predict or decide who you will fall in love with.

The books layout is setup in such a way that he uses one point of his life to explain a few others, but as the book is about someone’s life, at times it seems like your reading a poorly laid out sex and the city episode.  Each chapter can stand on its own almost independently but as a whole, you are forced to remember the last in order to have a good grip of his chronology.

Towards the end of the book it becomes painfully evident that the book is in fact about the author, we see that this huge chunk of the book was written about his life while trying to write the book.  I find that these chapters are amazingly well written and extremely easy to read.  It is in these chapters that almost any gay can easily relate.

The book closes by touching, in great detail, on a delicate subject in the gay community, ex-gays.  It is in this chapter that we truly see who Derfner is.  I feel that if I were to give any more detail about this chapter it would be pointless to read.

In short I am pleased that I bought this book and feel it is worth reading for all gays and their friends. Thanks to the style and setup of this book, it is a quick read. All of Derfner’s points and commentaries will stay with you long after you put it on the shelf to start collecting dust or pass on to a friend..

Love the Muppets

I think Kermit has a cold.

Joel Derfner Ladies and Gents

Synopsis

A hilarious and deeply moving account of one man’s journey from stereotype to truth.

Joel Derfner is a knitter, an aerobics instructor, a cheerleader, a go-go dancer, and a musical theater composer, but when he realizes one day that he’s a walking gay cliché he embarks on a quest for deeper meaning. A very, very funny quest for deeper meaning. And whether he’s confronting the demons of his past at a GLBT summer camp, using the Internet to “meet” men–many, many men–or going undercover to a conference of ex-gays, he discovers that what he’s looking for–and sometimes even finds, hidden underneath the surface of everyday life–is his own identity. In the tradition of David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs, yet with its own particular flair, Swish is a story told with not just wit but humor; not just candor but honesty; and not just compassion but humanity.

(By, www.BN.com) 

Coming Soon.

Just want everyone to know that I have finished reading Swish.  I feel as though it was a good book and you can expect a full report by the end of the week.  The past few days have been quite interesting and there will be good reads all week. 

A Productive Saturday

As it would turn out last Saturday was quite productive.  My day started with MeTo waking me early so we could go to Torah study at temple. The night before, at Shul, the rabbi encouraged us once again to come on Saturday morning.  This time we had no excuse to get out of it.  I admittedly wanted to go but it was at 9:30 in the morning.  Now we all know that 9:30 is not very early on a normal day, but on a Saturday, my traditional day of rest, it was ungodly.  Much to my surprise however when MeTo woke me I was ready to go.  I donned some clothes and we were on our way fashionably late. I did not feel too bad as I was told many people show up late.

We got there and it did not take long before there were introductions and I was of course the only black person.  On top of it I did not have time to do my hair so I threw on a headband, which made me look gay, for 9:30 on a Saturday morning nevertheless I did not care what anyone thought, I was there.

Soon the rabbi asked me to read and I shocked myself at how well I did, no mistakes and it was clear there was not a hint of nervousness in my voice.  After I was done, we picked up with the discussions which felt great, it was simply a group of people disusing the whys and why not-s of the bible. The rabbi was there, gave good feedback, and not once made anyone feel small about an extremely interesting or odd interpretation.  It was also great not to hear Satan given as an excuse for everything that went wrong.

One of the most refreshing things about the Jewish faith is the fact that Satan is not really, present.  Discussions are about how G-d acts in our lives and how we allow or refuse his assistance.  The burden to be good is placed completely on the individual and you never hear a Jew say, “The devil made me do it,” or “The devil came and tempted me.”  

There was a bagel promise as “incentive” for people to come; our friend told us that after torah study there are bagels and coffee.  So afterwards, we went to the media room where all the Saturday classes met to have bagels and socialize.  We met a few people had some good discussions and then was on our way.

 

After several attempts to stop, the error messages from showing on my laptop, which was running Vista, I finally decided that it was time to upgrade to Windows 7.  I was not happy with windows and to be honest I really wanted something else.  However, all the programs I have are windows based and I am not sure if I could find good enough equivalents to run on Linux.  Therefore, I backed up my favorite files and began what I was shocked into believing was a simple upgrade and not install 7 as a new OS like MeTo and our roommate had to do.

Little had I known that the update would take all day!  Once it started, I sat by my desk and read my book, Swish.  I was quite impressed with myself.  I really thought I would not make my deadline but by the end of the day, I finished all but one chapter, which I should finish today.

I decided that the perfect thing to fix that tart apple pie, I made earlier that week, would be some Carmel sauce, which was so amazing I am going to include it in my cookbook.  I also got my desk reorganized and did my best to force myself to remain productive, success.

My book for February came in the mail as well my Amish pie cookbook.  I then did some dishes and wrote out the grocery list.  Once the update was finished around 10:30 at night I began moving and deleting files things.  I installed the last program that I was working on and much to my delight there were only a few kinks that needed to be worked out.  I set my computer to defrag and shut down when done and I went to bed at two in the morning.

For the month of February, this is what you can expect on top of your typical Vixc B reading.  I have decided to add to the monthly book review a biweekly Gay movie review, no pun intended, so I will watch at least two gay movies a month and report back to you weather it is worth watching and why or why not.  Each week you can also expect a recipe that I have created myself.  I think this will make all the other reading more interesting in conjuncture as you will get to hear about my struggles and frustrations throughout the week to perfect a recipe and then benefit from the fruits of my labor at the end of the week.

Therefore, until next time this is Vixc B reminding you, being gay is not so simple.

Work, Life, and Mess

You ever notice how when you are at work and things get hectic, that you seem to just let your surroundings reflect it.  Then the moment comes when you just cannot take it and using your break time you clean and organize everything in your entire office, cubical, or desk so that you not only know where everything is but it looks great.  Then after all is said and done you sit and realize you not only have a good amount of work but also a good amount of time to get it done, but all you do is sit and admire your work space and nothing gets accomplished.

I can only imagine why this happens to some of us.  It could be some subconscious fear that we have learned.  We equate working hard with working in mess, and so when things are clean and neat we are reluctant to resume where we left off.

Sometimes this happens in relationships.  We take a break from the whole dating scene and get our lives and friendships together and then before we know it we are happy with life and we find ourselves being pulled back into the messy world of dating.

We resume looking on our old dating sites and checking out the people at the clubs and bars, and we even began talking to our casual sex partners but in it all we refuse to start actually going out on dates sleeping with people or talking to the hottie at the end of the bar.  It would all make since if it were not for one thing, we feel as though something or someone is missing from our life.  We want to go to bed cuddled up with someone who is happy to be there, and some nights we get so horny that we just want some hot person to screw our brains out.

We think we are proceeding with caution when in fact we simply are not moving. We tell our selves we have our friends and that is enough until we decide to sleep with that old fuckbuddy.  Now we have our friends and sex without the whole mess of a relationship.  We remain unfulfilled and before we know it, we are looking for Mr. Right and our lives are once again a mess like it was when we last stopped and took out some time to clean our desk.

The definition of insanity is, repeating the same steps and hoping for different results. A productive worker learns from his mistakes and searches for more efficient ways to perform tasks, which makes it easier to swing right into the next one with ease and little mess.  True sometimes taking the time out while in the swing of things to make sure that everything is in the right place seems like it is making life move slow, but think about it, if your breaks are spent cleaning?  What is the more efficient worker’s breaks spent doing?

Recently I got a new printer and to celebrate I cleaned my desk and organized things.  I sat and thought of several things I could and should be doing but I sat and did nothing.  My drive to be productive was precluded and so I sat then started browsing the web.

I got to thinking about how this is the pattern my life has faced. Things get crazy, I spend time fixing things and then I just sit, stare, and do nothing, and subconsciously I fear that the mess will come back just as fast as I start living.

I have learned however that if I do not like the mess my life produces to examine what parts produce the mess and then change how I live in order to be happy with the results and spend less time fixing stuff I should not have to fix.

Another part of this whole mess thing I realized is that we learn how to deal with many things when we are children, a time when we have extremely limited resources.  As adults, we have more resources like desk organizers and in matter of life therapist.

No matter what you may be facing in life may it be repeat ex boyfriend,  casual sex, or work issues like a messy desk, sit back and think how you handled it before and force yourself to try something new. I guarantee you will feel a little less like life is trying to make you crazy.