The Darkest Chapter of My Life Part 6, “The Final Blow”

I decided to send my friends a text telling them I just got out the hospital. The response was shocking it basically went like this. From Icon there was no response and from the other two, “Sorry but we are all going through stuff.” I was so taken back that these were my so called best friends and here they find out I attempted suicide and there is no sign of concern, I guess I should have known when they chose to never call or text to ask why I was not hanging out with them.

Set to just cut all the bad from my life I sent a text to MeTo and told him I needed to talk to him. When I got him on the phone he told me how he was worried and thought he was making things worse so he decided to keep his distance. At that I backed down from cutting off all contact. I tried to understand his logic and told him that if I had gotten a message it would have made things easier.

The day came when I was supposed to start outpatient therapy but there was a mix up so my intake appointment was rescheduled. Then a week later my meds ran out. I began experiencing really bad withdrawal. I could not eat, and I could not sleep and when I tried to call MeTo to talk there was no answer.

Things began to get really bad around day two, I could no longer control my mood and sleeping and eating was completely out of the question. MeTo would text me but not call and I would snap and he would then get distance. I tried to explain to him what was going on but it was hard via text message and he still refused to answer the phone or call. I figured it was a lost cause expecting him to be there for me and that I was reaching for the stars expecting him to help me.

By the time my refill was called in I was done with the withdrawal and decided to stay off of the meds. It had been two days since I talked to MeTo when on Tuesday he sent me a text that he was worried and that he missed me. I retorted back yeah right. He then told me he was done trying to convince me that he cared and said he gets the picture he would stay away. Once again I tried to explain things to him and then tried to call and he still would not answer. I became impulsive and angry and suicidal. I tried smoking and it was not helping and so I told him that if he did not want to talk to me that I would just end it and so I downed an entire bottle of sleeping pills.

My body was shaking and the shock of how easy swallowing the pills was pulled me back just long enough to call 911. I gave my address and explained what happened. I was told to stay on the line for poison control but I hung up. I was once again confused as to what I should do. Do I leave the house, or do I go and lie and say it was a false alarm? I had only moments and before I could think I heard the paramedics in the house. I went down stairs and told them what happened.

Before I knew it I was at the hospital and told to lie down. I was angry and hurt and disappointed that I ended up back in this place. A part of me blamed MeTo, if he had just once picked up the phone to call me without me asking or begging him to I would feel that he cared and I would not want to hurt myself for being stupid. But I knew the blame was all mine because I allowed him in. I deserved what I got and I was unsure if I wanted to survive.

I was asked a thousand questions about hearing voices and why I did it. I was embarrassed so I lied as to why but everything else was the truth. MeTo began texting me asking why but I felt no real concern so I told him to call my mother and tell her I was sorry and let her know what happened. It was not long before she showed up with my step father and I began to cry. I finally did it I cried and everything came out. I felt stronger. All my life I just wanted to cry when I felt hurt but years of being hurt so often made it so that I could only bottle it all up.

I was told to drink activated carbon, charcoal mixed with sugar and water. It made me HURL, anything that was in my stomach and lower intestines, came up in huge burst. And when I was empty my stomach tried to push out more. It looked like someone tried to die their hair black using the toilet.

After several hours of observation I was sent to crises center where I retold the story of not what just happened that day but when I first had thoughts of suicide. I considered myself lucky because I could attribute this attempt medically to going off my meds and because I was already on outpatient I was ok to go home.  The last thing I wanted was to be stuck inside another crises center.

I went home and took my meds, it was official I had no choice but to take pills for my immediate future. But one thing was clear the pills helped and MeTo made my greatest fear come true, that when I really needed him and really wanted him, he was not there.