Racism
a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others.
a policy, system of government, etc., based upon or fostering such a doctrine; discrimination.
hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.
The belief that race accounts for differences in human character or ability and that a particular race is superior to others.
Discrimination or prejudice based on race.
Racist
based on racial intolerance; "racist remarks"
discriminatory especially on the basis of race or religion
Opinion
a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.
a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.
the formal expression of a professional judgment: to ask for a second medical opinion.
Law. the formal statement by a judge or court of the reasoning and the principles of law used in reaching a decision of a case.
a judgment or estimate of a person or thing with respect to character, merit, etc.: to forfeit someone's good opinion.
a favorable estimate; esteem: I haven't much of an opinion of him.
Fact
a piece of information about circumstances that exist or events that have occurred; "first you must collect all the facts of the case"
a statement or assertion of verified information about something that is the case or has happened; "he supported his argument with an impressive array of facts"
an event known to have happened or something known to have existed; "your fears have no basis in fact"; "how much of the story is fact and how much fiction is hard to tell"
a concept whose truth can be proved; "scientific hypotheses are not facts"
Vixc B
31 August 2008
23 August 2008
Woody's and Closure
It was a night unlike any other. Much like the night I went to my first gay bar. The air smelled of new air, what ever that means. The city just felt different.
I made a few phone calls and sent a few text messages and ended creating a potentially entertaining night on the town. Alex, Mr. M, Louise and myself. The plan was that we all would make guest appearances in each others evening. Louise and I was to meet Alex and his friends at Bump. Then part ways when Alex and his friends went to shampoo. Lou and I planned to play it by ear but meet Mr. M somewhere for a drink.
Alex never showed. While at Bump we met this guy who over herd me talking about sex. He was a bottom as well and talked about his family and told cool stories about how his bing gay created memorable incidences. He told us about his job and his soon new to be job and why he was in the city that night. I then realized that he was just a guy looking for some people to talk to while he waited to meet his friends someplace else.
After our new friend left Lou and I walked around trying to find Lascala's the restaurant Mr. M always hangs at. He wasn't responding to my text messages. After walking in circles we decided to fore go Mr. M. And went to gay pizza on the we met one of Lou's friends and his entourage.
Then gay pizza we chatted with the employees for a brief while then went to Woody's.
I felt good the door man flirted with me which never happens. Then we went inside chilled at the bar and Lou could not wait to get up stairs to the dance floor. He paid for the both of us and much to our surprise, the crowd was not young. I could not hid the horror on my face. We walked to the far bar and just watched. Then we realized that it was square dancing. I asked the sexy body that was mixing drinks about the nights venue and he told me at 11 it goes normal. But little time went by before I started enjoying myself.
Then I saw him a cute guy in his late 20's maybe early 30's. He then lifted up his shirt for some reason and we saw his rock hard six pack. I felt mosey. Lou told me to go ask for a dance but I was nervous. Lou then played wing man and told him I was interested . Lou came back and said I was going to dance with him next song. He never did come over though. He did walk past us as he left the room and made a playful punching motion to Lou.
The lights changed and then so did the music. The dance floor went nuts and got younger by the second. Then we noticed the sexy strippers. One was the guy I told Lou I liked he waved but I suck at keeping it cool. I just danced and kept in site.
Mr. M then sent a text saying he was back in KOP. I danced on and I danced from 11 to 2 with only one 10 min break. I never did get a chance to talk to the hot guy I wanted but I figured I would see him again or just wasn't meant to be.
On the way home Mr. M started texting me. Right when I was dropping Lou of I got one that said” why you always gotta be a bitch” shocking as we were having a friendly conversation. I let M get away with a lot and figured it was time I called him on something.
I called him and asked what he to explain how I was being a bitch. The text before in response to his “I'm awake now” was “Never mind I'll talk too you tomorrow” it started a fight and he brought up things from months ago that bothered him and I told him to stop waiting so long to tell me what bothers him. I also explain what I wanted. I even forced him to give me closure on our past relationship.
I told him that were either to be good friend or go separate ways. Now I have closure but I know Josh never wants to get back together. I am disappointed but I have my closure.
In a year it probably wont matter he will have moved to Las Vegas and I will have found the man of my dreams but as for now it feels like Josh and I just broke up all over.
I made a few phone calls and sent a few text messages and ended creating a potentially entertaining night on the town. Alex, Mr. M, Louise and myself. The plan was that we all would make guest appearances in each others evening. Louise and I was to meet Alex and his friends at Bump. Then part ways when Alex and his friends went to shampoo. Lou and I planned to play it by ear but meet Mr. M somewhere for a drink.
Alex never showed. While at Bump we met this guy who over herd me talking about sex. He was a bottom as well and talked about his family and told cool stories about how his bing gay created memorable incidences. He told us about his job and his soon new to be job and why he was in the city that night. I then realized that he was just a guy looking for some people to talk to while he waited to meet his friends someplace else.
After our new friend left Lou and I walked around trying to find Lascala's the restaurant Mr. M always hangs at. He wasn't responding to my text messages. After walking in circles we decided to fore go Mr. M. And went to gay pizza on the we met one of Lou's friends and his entourage.
Then gay pizza we chatted with the employees for a brief while then went to Woody's.
I felt good the door man flirted with me which never happens. Then we went inside chilled at the bar and Lou could not wait to get up stairs to the dance floor. He paid for the both of us and much to our surprise, the crowd was not young. I could not hid the horror on my face. We walked to the far bar and just watched. Then we realized that it was square dancing. I asked the sexy body that was mixing drinks about the nights venue and he told me at 11 it goes normal. But little time went by before I started enjoying myself.
Then I saw him a cute guy in his late 20's maybe early 30's. He then lifted up his shirt for some reason and we saw his rock hard six pack. I felt mosey. Lou told me to go ask for a dance but I was nervous. Lou then played wing man and told him I was interested . Lou came back and said I was going to dance with him next song. He never did come over though. He did walk past us as he left the room and made a playful punching motion to Lou.
The lights changed and then so did the music. The dance floor went nuts and got younger by the second. Then we noticed the sexy strippers. One was the guy I told Lou I liked he waved but I suck at keeping it cool. I just danced and kept in site.
Mr. M then sent a text saying he was back in KOP. I danced on and I danced from 11 to 2 with only one 10 min break. I never did get a chance to talk to the hot guy I wanted but I figured I would see him again or just wasn't meant to be.
On the way home Mr. M started texting me. Right when I was dropping Lou of I got one that said” why you always gotta be a bitch” shocking as we were having a friendly conversation. I let M get away with a lot and figured it was time I called him on something.
I called him and asked what he to explain how I was being a bitch. The text before in response to his “I'm awake now” was “Never mind I'll talk too you tomorrow” it started a fight and he brought up things from months ago that bothered him and I told him to stop waiting so long to tell me what bothers him. I also explain what I wanted. I even forced him to give me closure on our past relationship.
I told him that were either to be good friend or go separate ways. Now I have closure but I know Josh never wants to get back together. I am disappointed but I have my closure.
In a year it probably wont matter he will have moved to Las Vegas and I will have found the man of my dreams but as for now it feels like Josh and I just broke up all over.
22 August 2008
The Sex Game
So many men tell you they want a guy or girl who wont play games, but the moment that emotions start going and your honest they start toying with you. Calling when they want making it seam like your just as booty call and then they just fade out with no closure and you both know you were dating exclusively.
Why is it when we stop the games that we get hurt and treated like shit? The truth of the matter is games were not invented to get others to do what we want but to protect ourselves and now the are so ingrained that men have no respect for someone who doesn't play games.
Playing hard to get is a game no man can resist. The ugliest person can get a man by playing this game. But take a guy like me that can get almost anyone, I hate playing games and so fail to realize that by not doing so I come off as a slut, and easy.
So what can the people like me who believe in karma, and honesty do. We don't want to remain single and want someone who holds the same values that we do. Are we doomed to the “if you you cant beat them” mantra of the 20th and 21st centuries?
For once in my life I cant help but say we need games. Men don't know how to operate without them.
Take K or Mr. R for example, two guys both romantic and both well liked by me. I made the mistake of just going with the flow and both times resulted in being with out a boyfriend.
Mr. R was obsessed with after the facts. “I'm not 29” or “I'm not looking for anything serious” how ever on the first date made it seam like he was telling my his entire life sorry. So I slept with him. After awhile I saw we were nothing more than fuck buddies and I swore off 30 year olds.
There was also jerry. Who I told flat out what I wanted. He made it seam like he was going to deliver but never did even after I reminded him. The sex was great so he says but there was no intimacy in site. SO I called it off and in my true form was completely honest about what I thought of him.
Finally there is K. I told my self that I was going to have a relationship free summer. One filled with lots of sex, dancing and drinking. But before I knew it I was dating Lou and trying to figure out how to get out. Then I met K and realized I wanted him and if I was going to be in a relationship it had to be him. So I brook it off with Lou and began predating K. he talked a good game but it ended with heartache.
He had no time for me after his smooth talk took off my clothes. There was no sex but we did both cum. I even went to his play and it looked like fate was bringing us together but he decided to tell me after moving back to NYC that he did not like me as much as I liked him. So I fucked someone else that night.
I have decided to start playing the games. No sex on the first date, and playing hard to get, and to top it all off making it seam like I am busy and have very little time for a relationship and sex. I got this advice from all my exes, little do they know. I think once I master them all I will not be single much longer.
In the mean time . . . “Let the games begin!”
Why is it when we stop the games that we get hurt and treated like shit? The truth of the matter is games were not invented to get others to do what we want but to protect ourselves and now the are so ingrained that men have no respect for someone who doesn't play games.
Playing hard to get is a game no man can resist. The ugliest person can get a man by playing this game. But take a guy like me that can get almost anyone, I hate playing games and so fail to realize that by not doing so I come off as a slut, and easy.
So what can the people like me who believe in karma, and honesty do. We don't want to remain single and want someone who holds the same values that we do. Are we doomed to the “if you you cant beat them” mantra of the 20th and 21st centuries?
For once in my life I cant help but say we need games. Men don't know how to operate without them.
Take K or Mr. R for example, two guys both romantic and both well liked by me. I made the mistake of just going with the flow and both times resulted in being with out a boyfriend.
Mr. R was obsessed with after the facts. “I'm not 29” or “I'm not looking for anything serious” how ever on the first date made it seam like he was telling my his entire life sorry. So I slept with him. After awhile I saw we were nothing more than fuck buddies and I swore off 30 year olds.
There was also jerry. Who I told flat out what I wanted. He made it seam like he was going to deliver but never did even after I reminded him. The sex was great so he says but there was no intimacy in site. SO I called it off and in my true form was completely honest about what I thought of him.
Finally there is K. I told my self that I was going to have a relationship free summer. One filled with lots of sex, dancing and drinking. But before I knew it I was dating Lou and trying to figure out how to get out. Then I met K and realized I wanted him and if I was going to be in a relationship it had to be him. So I brook it off with Lou and began predating K. he talked a good game but it ended with heartache.
He had no time for me after his smooth talk took off my clothes. There was no sex but we did both cum. I even went to his play and it looked like fate was bringing us together but he decided to tell me after moving back to NYC that he did not like me as much as I liked him. So I fucked someone else that night.
I have decided to start playing the games. No sex on the first date, and playing hard to get, and to top it all off making it seam like I am busy and have very little time for a relationship and sex. I got this advice from all my exes, little do they know. I think once I master them all I will not be single much longer.
In the mean time . . . “Let the games begin!”
18 August 2008
Last time at Woody's
After deciding to go to Woody's I went home to shower and dress. It took me longer than I would have liked to find an outfit but I eventual did. It was OK but not a “hey guys I'm back” type. I even wore a gray wife beater instead of my typical black or white. I did where my life guard shirt. I felt I looked like I didn't care which typical means some one would try to pick me up.
I got in my car and called my job to call out I did just an OK performance of sounding like I had a sour throat. It was good enough though and now I was in the clear. I proceeded to Jason's to pick him up and like always he was not ready.
Before I knew it I was literal fighting with his kitten. This ill creature was jumping on me, bitting, scratching me and attacking my by surprise. He was fun at first but the ill thing started to piss me off and I started to hit for real which only made him fight harder.
I and Jason then went to Louise's house to make an appearance at the baby shower than whisk him away with us to the club. A few laughs and after making a new friend or two we were ready.
Little did I know it was Jason and Clinton's 2mo anniversary. So we dropped Jason off to spend a ill time while we retrieved Tia. That was an adventure as I managed to slightly damage my car's right fender.
After I managed to all in the car it was your normal ride down chestnut street to our normal parking spot. Although it had been almost two month's since I've driven this rout it felt like I had just done it yesterday.
We parked I changed my shoes and we walked to the club only for me to realize my ID was not in my pocket like I thought. I went back to the car, looked inside outside and all around it. Jason and all ended up coming back to help me find it. It turned out to be in the driver seat.
My lavender bad didn't feel any more special than all the other colors I had collected over my trips to Woody's. I walked in looking and felling like I didn't care half waiting on K and my other half still open to the idea that their still may be something better.
Once on the dance floor, nothing I was board. If I had money for a drink it would have been slightly better but sober I remained, sober was all I could afford. I found gorge to say happy birthday and returned to my friends. I spent most of the night dancing with Louise.
Much to my surprise Jerry was not only at the club tonight he was dancing. With some 19year old that was friends with Jason. I was angry and jealous. Jerry had never danced with me, and what did this 19 year old kid know about my 37 year old fling and old crush. No matter how hard I tried to get jerry alone that ill 19 year old was right there. OK he was really more like 21 22 my age or even older because he was able to follow us to the bar but still. Why could I never get jerry to dance with me or even cling to me the was he was clinging to this guy who clearly was not looking for a relationship?
Then it hit me once again like it always dose. Men want what they cant have, and jerry could have me so he didn't want me. I no longer wanted jerry at 37 and still playing games and fooling around with younger guys is not a man who can potentially comment.
I danced the rest of the night away only to stop and have servers older men stare at me. I feared being hit on so I looked angry and stuck up.
The ride how was far more fun than than the club. We joked and laughed and turned getting gas into quite a comedy routine. We paid mostly with change found in my back seat.
When dropping Tia off I announced that I quit smoking when she offered me a Newport 100. Jason said “again” and I assured him I already had quit it was a done deal unlike the times before when I said I was going to .
I got in my car and called my job to call out I did just an OK performance of sounding like I had a sour throat. It was good enough though and now I was in the clear. I proceeded to Jason's to pick him up and like always he was not ready.
Before I knew it I was literal fighting with his kitten. This ill creature was jumping on me, bitting, scratching me and attacking my by surprise. He was fun at first but the ill thing started to piss me off and I started to hit for real which only made him fight harder.
I and Jason then went to Louise's house to make an appearance at the baby shower than whisk him away with us to the club. A few laughs and after making a new friend or two we were ready.
Little did I know it was Jason and Clinton's 2mo anniversary. So we dropped Jason off to spend a ill time while we retrieved Tia. That was an adventure as I managed to slightly damage my car's right fender.
After I managed to all in the car it was your normal ride down chestnut street to our normal parking spot. Although it had been almost two month's since I've driven this rout it felt like I had just done it yesterday.
We parked I changed my shoes and we walked to the club only for me to realize my ID was not in my pocket like I thought. I went back to the car, looked inside outside and all around it. Jason and all ended up coming back to help me find it. It turned out to be in the driver seat.
My lavender bad didn't feel any more special than all the other colors I had collected over my trips to Woody's. I walked in looking and felling like I didn't care half waiting on K and my other half still open to the idea that their still may be something better.
Once on the dance floor, nothing I was board. If I had money for a drink it would have been slightly better but sober I remained, sober was all I could afford. I found gorge to say happy birthday and returned to my friends. I spent most of the night dancing with Louise.
Much to my surprise Jerry was not only at the club tonight he was dancing. With some 19year old that was friends with Jason. I was angry and jealous. Jerry had never danced with me, and what did this 19 year old kid know about my 37 year old fling and old crush. No matter how hard I tried to get jerry alone that ill 19 year old was right there. OK he was really more like 21 22 my age or even older because he was able to follow us to the bar but still. Why could I never get jerry to dance with me or even cling to me the was he was clinging to this guy who clearly was not looking for a relationship?
Then it hit me once again like it always dose. Men want what they cant have, and jerry could have me so he didn't want me. I no longer wanted jerry at 37 and still playing games and fooling around with younger guys is not a man who can potentially comment.
I danced the rest of the night away only to stop and have servers older men stare at me. I feared being hit on so I looked angry and stuck up.
The ride how was far more fun than than the club. We joked and laughed and turned getting gas into quite a comedy routine. We paid mostly with change found in my back seat.
When dropping Tia off I announced that I quit smoking when she offered me a Newport 100. Jason said “again” and I assured him I already had quit it was a done deal unlike the times before when I said I was going to .
13 August 2008
It was a Wednesday . . .
So its Wednesday and I hadn't been to the club in what felt like an eternity. With my new job I either have a Thursday and Friday night off or I have a Saturday and Sunday night off. Jaz got back from Alaska and kept asking to go to Woody's. Despite my several reminders that I had to work that night she kept asking. I finally told her I would call out if K would go.
The big Wednesday was now here and it was truly big. I got off work at 7 and made it home by 7:15. I pull into the driveway and in the park I can hear loud construction and I was blasting Beyonce's 'Irreplaceable” in my car another thing that felt like it was centuries ago. After my song I turned off the car and went inside. I knew my roommate was home because I saw her car and her friend that is staying with us car was parked outside as well.
As if by perfect timing and well rehearsed as I opened the door Emily sits up and Kim begins walking down the stares. After living along for two or three months I could not help but utter “ there are pretty women everywhere.” mind you they truly are pretty I know a million that wish they looked half as good as they do when they roll out the bed.
I changed into my jeans that I where when cutting the lawn because the back needed to be cut. I then tried to use the toilet and noticed it didn't quite work. Despite being gay it was one of those moment that I felt proud to be a man. I discussed the issue with Kim and then went to work plunging. Part one of the problem was fixed. The tank would not and still will not fill properly. I fiddled a ill but having no clue as to what I was doing I let it be.
I then came down stares to check email work on the blog and see whats new on myspace. Kim came down stares and we chatted and the opining came for her to tell me about the recent break up. Lets just say I was right and I'm pissed that I was and even more so with her now new ex.
Mom called and I chatted and made some food then I got sleepy and bide her farewell. I ate then I could not help it I skipped the grass and went to sleep.
I awoken at five to find my cell completely dead and powered off. I got up to go to the bathe room and Kim was home from work. Surprised I asked the time and she said some time that I rounded to five. I called my agent and we finalized my stylist meetings.
I then started watching a movie on line and Jayson sent an IM asking where I was and asking for a ride. So I set my away message to Playing hero, again. And went to pick him up
. I then called Lou to borrow season 2 and 3
of sex and the city, he also finally gave me the time and date of his room mate's baby shower he was throwing. Right then a their. I told him I was not coming in I looked like shit and did.
after an attempt by several guest to get me to come in I compromised. I said I would go home and freshen up then come back and spend an hour or two before I went to work. All agreed it was a plan.
Lou then asked about Woody's a call to Jason and I had decided to call out sick to shake my ass to the Thumpa Thumpa of Woody's . . .
The big Wednesday was now here and it was truly big. I got off work at 7 and made it home by 7:15. I pull into the driveway and in the park I can hear loud construction and I was blasting Beyonce's 'Irreplaceable” in my car another thing that felt like it was centuries ago. After my song I turned off the car and went inside. I knew my roommate was home because I saw her car and her friend that is staying with us car was parked outside as well.
As if by perfect timing and well rehearsed as I opened the door Emily sits up and Kim begins walking down the stares. After living along for two or three months I could not help but utter “ there are pretty women everywhere.” mind you they truly are pretty I know a million that wish they looked half as good as they do when they roll out the bed.
I changed into my jeans that I where when cutting the lawn because the back needed to be cut. I then tried to use the toilet and noticed it didn't quite work. Despite being gay it was one of those moment that I felt proud to be a man. I discussed the issue with Kim and then went to work plunging. Part one of the problem was fixed. The tank would not and still will not fill properly. I fiddled a ill but having no clue as to what I was doing I let it be.
I then came down stares to check email work on the blog and see whats new on myspace. Kim came down stares and we chatted and the opining came for her to tell me about the recent break up. Lets just say I was right and I'm pissed that I was and even more so with her now new ex.
Mom called and I chatted and made some food then I got sleepy and bide her farewell. I ate then I could not help it I skipped the grass and went to sleep.
I awoken at five to find my cell completely dead and powered off. I got up to go to the bathe room and Kim was home from work. Surprised I asked the time and she said some time that I rounded to five. I called my agent and we finalized my stylist meetings.
I then started watching a movie on line and Jayson sent an IM asking where I was and asking for a ride. So I set my away message to Playing hero, again. And went to pick him up
. I then called Lou to borrow season 2 and 3
of sex and the city, he also finally gave me the time and date of his room mate's baby shower he was throwing. Right then a their. I told him I was not coming in I looked like shit and did.
after an attempt by several guest to get me to come in I compromised. I said I would go home and freshen up then come back and spend an hour or two before I went to work. All agreed it was a plan.
Lou then asked about Woody's a call to Jason and I had decided to call out sick to shake my ass to the Thumpa Thumpa of Woody's . . .
12 August 2008
Bye Bye Birdie
So last night I went to see K's play. I really didn't think I was going to like Bye Bye Birdie but I loved it. It was funny and all that great stuff and then it was really well done.
I walked out the theater thinking I wasn't going to get to see K but I got stuck be hind a guy with a woman in a wheel chair and then the crowd wouldn't let them through so I waited patiently and as I was near the door I saw our friend mike. He played one of the lead roils and did really well so I had t o tell him. I looked round ans saw most of the cast was out so I asked if k was coming out he said in a min and in a min he did.
During the play I hadn't known but K was in one of the scenes. I was sitting in the back and having to wear glasses I could not make out faces all to well. As soon as the lights came on I knew it was him. K also had a part in the play. He sang and did a good job acting. I could not help but blush. I tried to hid it but couldn't. It was this moment that proved to me I am really attracted to this guy nothing else is to blame.
So I was now standing next to k it looked as if he didn't want me to go so I stayed and it was a good thing I did I get to say hi to his mom and dad. They are two really cool people. So after a little chit chant in between people coming up to tell him how great the play was and how awesome he is, I told him I was off to tom Jones to meet Jason and the gang.
I got to Tom Jones and it was fun hanging out and I was on air from seeing k and could not think about eating but had to order like 4 dollars so I got coffee and ice cream.
About 20 min and three of our friends took off and 10 min after that I turned around to see K. I was thrilled once again I felt him happy to see me as well but he was tired with a headache. I told him to eat and mike came over to say hi also. Jay introduced him to our friend Andrew who was acting a little weird.
The time came when k had to go back to his table and and I told him we would say bye b4 we left. I don't know what it is about him but I tend to light upon when he is around.
The time came when we need a change in scenery when I went to say bye I saw Monica was there as well I said hi gave a hug and sat down to exchange numbers and chat a little. K allowed me to kiss him on the lips and all felt right.
I normally feel awkward and refrain from an all out Blaine kiss in public but it felt so right and with me being proud of him I kinda felt like I was marking territory. .
I was happy I got to spend some time with the one person I have ever had the biggest crush on.
And from the looks of things it just may be fate
I walked out the theater thinking I wasn't going to get to see K but I got stuck be hind a guy with a woman in a wheel chair and then the crowd wouldn't let them through so I waited patiently and as I was near the door I saw our friend mike. He played one of the lead roils and did really well so I had t o tell him. I looked round ans saw most of the cast was out so I asked if k was coming out he said in a min and in a min he did.
During the play I hadn't known but K was in one of the scenes. I was sitting in the back and having to wear glasses I could not make out faces all to well. As soon as the lights came on I knew it was him. K also had a part in the play. He sang and did a good job acting. I could not help but blush. I tried to hid it but couldn't. It was this moment that proved to me I am really attracted to this guy nothing else is to blame.
So I was now standing next to k it looked as if he didn't want me to go so I stayed and it was a good thing I did I get to say hi to his mom and dad. They are two really cool people. So after a little chit chant in between people coming up to tell him how great the play was and how awesome he is, I told him I was off to tom Jones to meet Jason and the gang.
I got to Tom Jones and it was fun hanging out and I was on air from seeing k and could not think about eating but had to order like 4 dollars so I got coffee and ice cream.
About 20 min and three of our friends took off and 10 min after that I turned around to see K. I was thrilled once again I felt him happy to see me as well but he was tired with a headache. I told him to eat and mike came over to say hi also. Jay introduced him to our friend Andrew who was acting a little weird.
The time came when k had to go back to his table and and I told him we would say bye b4 we left. I don't know what it is about him but I tend to light upon when he is around.
The time came when we need a change in scenery when I went to say bye I saw Monica was there as well I said hi gave a hug and sat down to exchange numbers and chat a little. K allowed me to kiss him on the lips and all felt right.
I normally feel awkward and refrain from an all out Blaine kiss in public but it felt so right and with me being proud of him I kinda felt like I was marking territory. .
I was happy I got to spend some time with the one person I have ever had the biggest crush on.
And from the looks of things it just may be fate
30 July 2008
I am going to do it!!
Summer is half gone. I had planned on being single with no serious relationships and not wanting to be serious but it was everything but. I had on boyfriend, broke up with him to date someone else who is taking it slow and I found out that Mr. M and I could have had a chance but I missed it.
It was a summer that was interesting and will make for steamy fall writing and winter reading. So check back often for chapters from my first novel, “Learning Love.”
It was a summer that was interesting and will make for steamy fall writing and winter reading. So check back often for chapters from my first novel, “Learning Love.”
24 July 2008
MR. M. is my, or Was, My MR. Big
It you ever want to incur my wrath let me find out you lied to me and that your lie caused heartache and or pain along with wasted time.
My Mr. M has proven that he is not worthy of my friendship. I could be over reacting but from the looks of things there is a new guy in his life. This Mr. Hickey. I found out the worse way possible. Stopping by the mall to take care of some business I decided to also stop by and say hi. He even made a point to text me and ask if I had walked past his store with out saying hi in a hurry.
I came back as I had planned when I finished taking care of my business to say hi. It was nice to see that the red hair was gone and that he was in a good mode. That should have been clue one as to what I was to find out. He appeared to be avoiding me for some reason to the point I almost left without saying hi.
Then I introduced him to my sister and we started talking. I had to ask what happened to his neck, he was wearing a fairly large band aid. I knew immediately what it was but still needed to hear it from him. I laughed as he shyly said a hickey. I pretend to be happy for him and asked if that was as far as it went. I didn't know I had a preferred answer but when he said they did go farther my heart sank. I wanted to ask more like I do with all my friends but felt it was an inappropriate place.
I went for some retail therapy and felt much better. It gave me a fuck the world kind of attitude.
Then last night he really proved every thought I had about the two of us. I texted him in hopes to get a convo going so I could stay up at work. When I asked what he was doing he then told me he was with his friend. What friend I inquired and he said his real name but i'll stick with Mr. Hickey.
How could this be from the man ,if you can call him that, who admittedly demands perfection, who said he needs time to find himself to figure out what he wants. Who said the only reason we broke up was because he was not over hie ex.
How should I feel the man who told him how I felt and that I hoped to get back together. For a year now he has told me this and that about me he likes this and hates that. Wish I was this glad I am that, many times contradicting himself. Instead of just saying your not my type he gives me some coke and bull story about how he needed to get over his ex and that we should stay friends, what dose that sound like to you? It was false hope and he knew it from the beginning. That pill poppin coward alcoholic fagot and now lier.
And now that I took a year to get over my broken heart which would have been sooner had he been honest from the beginning I want my revenge. No one plays with my emotions and gets off Scot free.
The only thing that may save him is the guy that I am falling for now he is my main priority. We are taking things moderately yet quick enough for each other. The more we learn about each other makes us stronger and more attracted. Everything I had been looking for flawed honest and wanting to love and be loved. Much like me he is protecting his heart but entertaining the thought that this could be it.
So in the mean time I will continue to act civil. But Mr.M needs to beware he has secured a meeting with Titus Sheldon.
My Mr. M has proven that he is not worthy of my friendship. I could be over reacting but from the looks of things there is a new guy in his life. This Mr. Hickey. I found out the worse way possible. Stopping by the mall to take care of some business I decided to also stop by and say hi. He even made a point to text me and ask if I had walked past his store with out saying hi in a hurry.
I came back as I had planned when I finished taking care of my business to say hi. It was nice to see that the red hair was gone and that he was in a good mode. That should have been clue one as to what I was to find out. He appeared to be avoiding me for some reason to the point I almost left without saying hi.
Then I introduced him to my sister and we started talking. I had to ask what happened to his neck, he was wearing a fairly large band aid. I knew immediately what it was but still needed to hear it from him. I laughed as he shyly said a hickey. I pretend to be happy for him and asked if that was as far as it went. I didn't know I had a preferred answer but when he said they did go farther my heart sank. I wanted to ask more like I do with all my friends but felt it was an inappropriate place.
I went for some retail therapy and felt much better. It gave me a fuck the world kind of attitude.
Then last night he really proved every thought I had about the two of us. I texted him in hopes to get a convo going so I could stay up at work. When I asked what he was doing he then told me he was with his friend. What friend I inquired and he said his real name but i'll stick with Mr. Hickey.
How could this be from the man ,if you can call him that, who admittedly demands perfection, who said he needs time to find himself to figure out what he wants. Who said the only reason we broke up was because he was not over hie ex.
How should I feel the man who told him how I felt and that I hoped to get back together. For a year now he has told me this and that about me he likes this and hates that. Wish I was this glad I am that, many times contradicting himself. Instead of just saying your not my type he gives me some coke and bull story about how he needed to get over his ex and that we should stay friends, what dose that sound like to you? It was false hope and he knew it from the beginning. That pill poppin coward alcoholic fagot and now lier.
And now that I took a year to get over my broken heart which would have been sooner had he been honest from the beginning I want my revenge. No one plays with my emotions and gets off Scot free.
The only thing that may save him is the guy that I am falling for now he is my main priority. We are taking things moderately yet quick enough for each other. The more we learn about each other makes us stronger and more attracted. Everything I had been looking for flawed honest and wanting to love and be loved. Much like me he is protecting his heart but entertaining the thought that this could be it.
So in the mean time I will continue to act civil. But Mr.M needs to beware he has secured a meeting with Titus Sheldon.
03 July 2008
perfect love is bull shit
It's funnie how people always say they want that amazing guy or girl. The one that acts like the world revolves around them. But that is all total bull shit and we all know it. I been there done that, been him got hurt. Nobody truly want their ideal guy because if they did every single person i know would be living happily ever after.
while the sentiment is cute, stop and think. Everyone who reads this, you know at least one person that you have dated or wanted to date you that would have honestly treated you so great all your friends would have be ecstatic and jealous all at the same time. but for what ever reason you let him or her go. Because they didn't look quite right, you felt unworthy, they seamed to nice, to good to be true or what ever.
we all want to be intimate, loved, cherished, treated like we are gold and do the same in return. That is those of us who want the fairy tale. Be we cant stop wanting the whole thing. great unbelievable super model porn star outside and nice loving ooey gooey inside, with love kindness and all that bull shit.
I'm a be real I want a hot guy with flaws, stuff that makes me sick and pissed off and can still make me want him at the end of the day. I want a guy who looks sexy but I would could still stand to change, modify, or loose this and that.
Perfection only exist in god and sorry ppl why would you want someone who can create his own perfect partner?
Perfection sucks, relationships are supposed to be give and take with one taking more than the other at times but still balancing out. Your pros and cons list should be uneven with cons appearing to be more. But that person this person that gets on your nerves, seams unchanging, unyielding, and will make you want to eat tacks at times, manages to make you happier than anyone you dated, or loved.
Perfection is predictable, and predictability will kill any good relationship. Never knowing what to expect, or whats coming, having good times in and out of bed, being able to say “babe you don't look so good” and not care knowing your doing the right thing, the ability to cry and feel OK, to see them cry and want to cry too even when it there fault. To simply be able to join in there rhythm and know your the only one who can her your song and dance the dance. That is when you have found your perfect lover.
The only way to fall in love with he who you are to love for life is to see the perfection of his flaws.
while the sentiment is cute, stop and think. Everyone who reads this, you know at least one person that you have dated or wanted to date you that would have honestly treated you so great all your friends would have be ecstatic and jealous all at the same time. but for what ever reason you let him or her go. Because they didn't look quite right, you felt unworthy, they seamed to nice, to good to be true or what ever.
we all want to be intimate, loved, cherished, treated like we are gold and do the same in return. That is those of us who want the fairy tale. Be we cant stop wanting the whole thing. great unbelievable super model porn star outside and nice loving ooey gooey inside, with love kindness and all that bull shit.
I'm a be real I want a hot guy with flaws, stuff that makes me sick and pissed off and can still make me want him at the end of the day. I want a guy who looks sexy but I would could still stand to change, modify, or loose this and that.
Perfection only exist in god and sorry ppl why would you want someone who can create his own perfect partner?
Perfection sucks, relationships are supposed to be give and take with one taking more than the other at times but still balancing out. Your pros and cons list should be uneven with cons appearing to be more. But that person this person that gets on your nerves, seams unchanging, unyielding, and will make you want to eat tacks at times, manages to make you happier than anyone you dated, or loved.
Perfection is predictable, and predictability will kill any good relationship. Never knowing what to expect, or whats coming, having good times in and out of bed, being able to say “babe you don't look so good” and not care knowing your doing the right thing, the ability to cry and feel OK, to see them cry and want to cry too even when it there fault. To simply be able to join in there rhythm and know your the only one who can her your song and dance the dance. That is when you have found your perfect lover.
The only way to fall in love with he who you are to love for life is to see the perfection of his flaws.
29 June 2008
I have Freedom of speech
I use this web site, blog, to exercise my right to freedom of speech as defined by the first amendment to the constitution of the unites sates of America.
I will keep in mind to use my the liberty to express opinions and ideas without hindrance, and especially without fear of punishment with some of the following restrictions:incitement, sedition, defamation, slander and libel, blasphemy and the expression of excessive racial hatred.
I will maintain the liberal tradition defended freedom of the sort of speech which does not violate others' rights or lead to predictable and avoidable harm,
Please remember valued freedom of speech embraces publication—writing, broadcasting, distributing recordings—as well as oral delivery of ideas.
I will keep in mind to use my the liberty to express opinions and ideas without hindrance, and especially without fear of punishment with some of the following restrictions:incitement, sedition, defamation, slander and libel, blasphemy and the expression of excessive racial hatred.
I will maintain the liberal tradition defended freedom of the sort of speech which does not violate others' rights or lead to predictable and avoidable harm,
Please remember valued freedom of speech embraces publication—writing, broadcasting, distributing recordings—as well as oral delivery of ideas.
18 June 2008
Not Nice E-Mail
PETA wrote . . .
Help us reach our goal of $30,000 to stop some of the worst abuses on factory farms. Your gift today will be matched dollar-for-dollar. Dear Victor S,
You can help end some of the worst abuses of pigs, cows, chickens, and other animals on factory farms with your gift today during PETA's End Factory Farming Challenge.
Do you know how pigs in the U.S. live their lives?
Fact #1: In the U.S., more than 97 percent of pigs—smart, social, interesting animals—are raised on factory farms.This means they spend their entire lives in cramped, filthy warehouses, where they never see the sun or breathe fresh air. Because of their hideous living conditions, more than 70 percent of the pigs have pneumonia by the time they are kicked and prodded onto trucks bound for slaughterhouses.
Breeding sows are imprisoned in metal gestation crates so small that they can't even turn around or take a single step—many develop painful sores and bruises from being immobilized on a hard surface. Shortly after giving birth, they are forcibly impregnated again. This cycle continues for years until their bodies finally give out and the animals are sent to slaughter.
Fact #2: It doesn't have to be this way. By acting today, your urgent gift will go twice as far toward reducing the suffering of factory-farmed pigs because it will be matched dollar-for-dollar up to $30,000 by a small group of caring PETA members.
Your gift of $50 will become $100 ...
Your gift of $75 will become $150 ...
Your gift of $250 will become $500 ...
... to stop the very worst abuses of pigs, chickens, cows, and other animals suffering needlessly on factory farms.
You see that PETA gets results for animals. We've already successfully pressured giants in the meat industry to make important changes with regard to how they breed, confine, and even kill animals:
* Following more than 100 PETA demonstrations across North America and negotiations with PETA, Safeway became the first Fortune 500 company to make dramatic improvements in the living and dying conditions of farmed animals. Safeway credited PETA with "turn[ing] on the light of an issue we need to address."
* PETA's influence over its customers, including fast-food chains like McDonald's and Burger King, convinced Smithfield Foods—the largest pig-flesh supplier in the world—to agree to phase out all gestation crates on its company-owned factory farms within a decade. Currently, at any given minute, more than 1 million mother pigs are confined by Smithfield to these hideous crates.
* Just a few days later, Maple Leaf Foods, the largest pig flesh-producer in Canada, announced that it would follow suit. Then, almost immediately afterward, another massive pig-flesh supplier—Cargill Foods—agreed to stop using gestation crates on half its farms immediately.
These decisions significantly reduce the suffering of pigs and have sent shockwaves through the entire meat industry. But we have much more to do, which is why we very much need your help during this important challenge, where your gift will be matched dollar-for-dollar.
PETA's high-profile protests and media outreach, consumer boycotts, and undercover investigations are doing what no one thought was possible: getting the world's worst abusers of animals to clean up their acts. And none of this would be possible without your caring support.
Please make a generous donation to PETA online right now. Your gift will help sustain our relentless defense of pigs and other animals who are, even as I write this, being abused, exploited, and killed.
Thank you for showing, once again, that all animals deserve our compassion.
Kind regards,
Photo: Ingrid E. Newkirk, President
Ingrid Signature
Ingrid E. Newkirk
President
P.S. Please make a gift of any size today, as it will be matched dollar-for-dollar. It will provide twice the resources to help pigs and other animals who are being abused on factory farms. Your gift will mean so much
I Wrote . . .
I hate pigs and think they deserve what ever they get. how ever i tend to think cows get a raw deal 99% of the time. FYI my money is trying to get me out of dept so i can live more like a human. I am also black so to pay so a chicken can stop being abused that i will only buy to deep fry is absurd thank you and stop asking for my money I'm broke. .
- Show quoted text -
--
This is an official Email from the one and only.
Titus- Victor S. Bethea, II
Help us reach our goal of $30,000 to stop some of the worst abuses on factory farms. Your gift today will be matched dollar-for-dollar. Dear Victor S,
You can help end some of the worst abuses of pigs, cows, chickens, and other animals on factory farms with your gift today during PETA's End Factory Farming Challenge.
Do you know how pigs in the U.S. live their lives?
Fact #1: In the U.S., more than 97 percent of pigs—smart, social, interesting animals—are raised on factory farms.This means they spend their entire lives in cramped, filthy warehouses, where they never see the sun or breathe fresh air. Because of their hideous living conditions, more than 70 percent of the pigs have pneumonia by the time they are kicked and prodded onto trucks bound for slaughterhouses.
Breeding sows are imprisoned in metal gestation crates so small that they can't even turn around or take a single step—many develop painful sores and bruises from being immobilized on a hard surface. Shortly after giving birth, they are forcibly impregnated again. This cycle continues for years until their bodies finally give out and the animals are sent to slaughter.
Fact #2: It doesn't have to be this way. By acting today, your urgent gift will go twice as far toward reducing the suffering of factory-farmed pigs because it will be matched dollar-for-dollar up to $30,000 by a small group of caring PETA members.
Your gift of $50 will become $100 ...
Your gift of $75 will become $150 ...
Your gift of $250 will become $500 ...
... to stop the very worst abuses of pigs, chickens, cows, and other animals suffering needlessly on factory farms.
You see that PETA gets results for animals. We've already successfully pressured giants in the meat industry to make important changes with regard to how they breed, confine, and even kill animals:
* Following more than 100 PETA demonstrations across North America and negotiations with PETA, Safeway became the first Fortune 500 company to make dramatic improvements in the living and dying conditions of farmed animals. Safeway credited PETA with "turn[ing] on the light of an issue we need to address."
* PETA's influence over its customers, including fast-food chains like McDonald's and Burger King, convinced Smithfield Foods—the largest pig-flesh supplier in the world—to agree to phase out all gestation crates on its company-owned factory farms within a decade. Currently, at any given minute, more than 1 million mother pigs are confined by Smithfield to these hideous crates.
* Just a few days later, Maple Leaf Foods, the largest pig flesh-producer in Canada, announced that it would follow suit. Then, almost immediately afterward, another massive pig-flesh supplier—Cargill Foods—agreed to stop using gestation crates on half its farms immediately.
These decisions significantly reduce the suffering of pigs and have sent shockwaves through the entire meat industry. But we have much more to do, which is why we very much need your help during this important challenge, where your gift will be matched dollar-for-dollar.
PETA's high-profile protests and media outreach, consumer boycotts, and undercover investigations are doing what no one thought was possible: getting the world's worst abusers of animals to clean up their acts. And none of this would be possible without your caring support.
Please make a generous donation to PETA online right now. Your gift will help sustain our relentless defense of pigs and other animals who are, even as I write this, being abused, exploited, and killed.
Thank you for showing, once again, that all animals deserve our compassion.
Kind regards,
Photo: Ingrid E. Newkirk, President
Ingrid Signature
Ingrid E. Newkirk
President
P.S. Please make a gift of any size today, as it will be matched dollar-for-dollar. It will provide twice the resources to help pigs and other animals who are being abused on factory farms. Your gift will mean so much
I Wrote . . .
I hate pigs and think they deserve what ever they get. how ever i tend to think cows get a raw deal 99% of the time. FYI my money is trying to get me out of dept so i can live more like a human. I am also black so to pay so a chicken can stop being abused that i will only buy to deep fry is absurd thank you and stop asking for my money I'm broke. .
- Show quoted text -
--
This is an official Email from the one and only.
Titus- Victor S. Bethea, II
11 June 2008
Today
I just don't feel like blogging but i know i should. check back for my wacky update of the weekend. Jaz was here.
07 June 2008
06 June 2008
Another Day in the life of Bethea
It’s been a great while since anyone has herd of me। It is true when I tell you no one can tell the story of Victor better than I can.
It was just another day or so victor thought। He woke up looking forward to tomorrow. Today held nothing special with the exception of one thing, he was going to allow himself to call his RM. You may ask, "What is an RM?" I will tell you. RM stands for Romantic Male. As you are, well aware MR. Bethea is gay and so dates men. What you are unaware of is he has decided to give the exclusive dating thing in hopes of finding true love one last try.
His RM’s name is something I cannot disclose, at least not yet। But I can tell you when is say RM I should put emphasis on the R. Today Victor found himself telling his aunt about him and Victor really lit up. Unlike with any other guy.
Later that day while waiting for his sister’s nails to dry in the nail salon he could not wait to hear from RM. Little did he know he became totally distracted and could not hear his sister asking him to pass her purse. The conversation although all good still had some sad points.
Earlier that day Victor set up an additional 3 interviews including one in Pittsburgh PA। Just having met RM it could have been a bad thing to mention the Pittsburgh interview, Also Victor remembered something from his last serious relationship that made him wish he could bite his tong.
You would think a conversation of good news and flirtatious exchanges one would get off the phone happy, elated of thrilled. Not our friend Victor. No he felt remorse for making it seem like he was willing to throw his chance at true love away and he thought and analyzed the entire conversation to see if he said anything that was unattractive or could turn his new RM off.
The EB or ex boyfriend had mentioned a few things to him that mad him show his fake side. The eb hated his British slang and told him that he didn’t act black enough among many other hurtful things. So Victor tried to change the things he could could while others were physically impossible. This left his self-esteem scared.
So now in this new relationship instead of being just happy to be falling for someone he is still looking for either validation or for RM to tell him all the things that he dissent have and others that need to be changed.
While Victor and EB are now friends he is still trying to undo the emotional scars that the relationship left on his heart, self esteem and mental image.
04 June 2008
I Was A Bitch
It was one of those days Yesterday. I woke up and it all was just not feeling right. What started out as running a few simple errands turned out to be a bitchy morning then day. It was simple I wanted to put air in my tires and fill out an application at the ACME I used to work at. My mom added an even simpler task of dropping something off at the post office.
I got to the gas station that has the free air pump and some lady was pumping a pool, so I went inside and grabbed my favorite, a 1.5 ltr bottle of water, only to come out and find an old couple waiting to use the pump as well. So I left and went to ACME and asked if the guy I needed to give a heads up was in, he wasn’t. I then dropped off my mom’s piece of mail and headed back to the gas station and the same woman and old couple were there, so I left.
While driving out I saw him, this handsome guy with black shades in a nice silver car. I could not help but notice he was staring at me and I soon realized he would figure out that I was staring back. Not knowing what to do I made it clear that I was looking away then I looked back. Being a guy who always wears shades, I mastered how to make people aware I am staring. He drove in and I drove out. I then lit my cigarette.
I then went to the gas station around the corner that cost 75 cents by then my tires were warmed and I found out that my tire gauge needed new batteries and I was missing a valve cap. Pissed, I drove pass the other gas station to check the status and to see if the guy in the silver car was around. It was all bad so I went home, A wasted morning.
I was still feeling bitchy and it lasted a good while. I ran and got mother and I lunch from the king. I really did forget how good the chicken sandwiches are there.
After lunch I figured I would pound the cyber pavement for a job. it held my attention for a good while and I applied for a few positions. Then my mother’s aunt, cousin and great aunt made a visit. I love my Aunti-Re a real southern lady. I chatted with them for a while and went back to work. Then my sister came home and of course, her boyfriend was with her I hid in the kitchen with them for a little while and ate and drank, I had been eating like a horse all day. He could tell I still didn’t like him and I wasn’t trying to hide it.
Then my grandmother came over and brought my baby cousin Nicolas. The women went crazy but soon had to leave. I then had Nicolas to myself kind of. He is truly a cute baby boy, happy too. I was distracted from trying to figure out why I was feeling bitchy. I spent the rest of daylight with family. Nicolas’ mom and sister then came to pick him up but spent some time with us all. Lauren his sister and my favorite cousin told me how much she loved me and I told her the same and talked about school and all the things she learned.
When I got back to the comp Jaz had hit me on AIM. We chatted about Josh and Ralph. She wanted me to stay away from Josh and give Ralph time. She still thinks I have feeling for Josh and I don’t.
Ralph and I have had two dates and known each other for two weeks. I really like him and can see myself falling for him. However I don’t think I am ready. I am ready to fall in love with a guy who is in love with me but I cannot have another Joshua situation. I had told some other guy I was willing to go on a date Wednesday.
I texted the entire three in hopes to get advice. Jaz was not helpful, I chickened out of trying to tell Josh after talking to Jaz. She said don’t tell him give it a month to be quite honest I don’t think she knew what the hell she was saying. Then Jason put it all in perspective. Why waste time going on a date with some other guy if Ralph and I are, well, hot and heavy. My fear is that we are not solid and the relationship is new and we can still end up like josh and I did after five weeks.
Any way I had just finished watching Sex and the City on MyPHL 17 and this advertisement came on TV for Interactive Male. I had seen the print ads before but this was the first commercial. While putting the number in my phone and trying to figure out when I was going to use it, it hit me.
Here I am this attractive guy. I have nice features, a decent brain and everyone agrees I am an all around attractive guy. Why am I looking for love online and phone lines. I simply need to build up my confidence. Every time that I think, I am close to dating again its because I have my 5. Yes, 5 guys I call my current potentials. I never got a boyfriend out of it but I always felt good when I had my five. This time it’s really only one and I am close. I have figured out when it’s just one it usually means a relationship, and I cant help but compare the beginnings of this one to that of the last one. It is all almost the same. The butter flies, the blushing, the touching its all there except this time in the form I want it and without the emotional baggage.
I have paid my dues to karma and I have confidence that this is a good thing and I may just get my fairytale ending.
I got to the gas station that has the free air pump and some lady was pumping a pool, so I went inside and grabbed my favorite, a 1.5 ltr bottle of water, only to come out and find an old couple waiting to use the pump as well. So I left and went to ACME and asked if the guy I needed to give a heads up was in, he wasn’t. I then dropped off my mom’s piece of mail and headed back to the gas station and the same woman and old couple were there, so I left.
While driving out I saw him, this handsome guy with black shades in a nice silver car. I could not help but notice he was staring at me and I soon realized he would figure out that I was staring back. Not knowing what to do I made it clear that I was looking away then I looked back. Being a guy who always wears shades, I mastered how to make people aware I am staring. He drove in and I drove out. I then lit my cigarette.
I then went to the gas station around the corner that cost 75 cents by then my tires were warmed and I found out that my tire gauge needed new batteries and I was missing a valve cap. Pissed, I drove pass the other gas station to check the status and to see if the guy in the silver car was around. It was all bad so I went home, A wasted morning.
I was still feeling bitchy and it lasted a good while. I ran and got mother and I lunch from the king. I really did forget how good the chicken sandwiches are there.
After lunch I figured I would pound the cyber pavement for a job. it held my attention for a good while and I applied for a few positions. Then my mother’s aunt, cousin and great aunt made a visit. I love my Aunti-Re a real southern lady. I chatted with them for a while and went back to work. Then my sister came home and of course, her boyfriend was with her I hid in the kitchen with them for a little while and ate and drank, I had been eating like a horse all day. He could tell I still didn’t like him and I wasn’t trying to hide it.
Then my grandmother came over and brought my baby cousin Nicolas. The women went crazy but soon had to leave. I then had Nicolas to myself kind of. He is truly a cute baby boy, happy too. I was distracted from trying to figure out why I was feeling bitchy. I spent the rest of daylight with family. Nicolas’ mom and sister then came to pick him up but spent some time with us all. Lauren his sister and my favorite cousin told me how much she loved me and I told her the same and talked about school and all the things she learned.
When I got back to the comp Jaz had hit me on AIM. We chatted about Josh and Ralph. She wanted me to stay away from Josh and give Ralph time. She still thinks I have feeling for Josh and I don’t.
Ralph and I have had two dates and known each other for two weeks. I really like him and can see myself falling for him. However I don’t think I am ready. I am ready to fall in love with a guy who is in love with me but I cannot have another Joshua situation. I had told some other guy I was willing to go on a date Wednesday.
I texted the entire three in hopes to get advice. Jaz was not helpful, I chickened out of trying to tell Josh after talking to Jaz. She said don’t tell him give it a month to be quite honest I don’t think she knew what the hell she was saying. Then Jason put it all in perspective. Why waste time going on a date with some other guy if Ralph and I are, well, hot and heavy. My fear is that we are not solid and the relationship is new and we can still end up like josh and I did after five weeks.
Any way I had just finished watching Sex and the City on MyPHL 17 and this advertisement came on TV for Interactive Male. I had seen the print ads before but this was the first commercial. While putting the number in my phone and trying to figure out when I was going to use it, it hit me.
Here I am this attractive guy. I have nice features, a decent brain and everyone agrees I am an all around attractive guy. Why am I looking for love online and phone lines. I simply need to build up my confidence. Every time that I think, I am close to dating again its because I have my 5. Yes, 5 guys I call my current potentials. I never got a boyfriend out of it but I always felt good when I had my five. This time it’s really only one and I am close. I have figured out when it’s just one it usually means a relationship, and I cant help but compare the beginnings of this one to that of the last one. It is all almost the same. The butter flies, the blushing, the touching its all there except this time in the form I want it and without the emotional baggage.
I have paid my dues to karma and I have confidence that this is a good thing and I may just get my fairytale ending.
03 June 2008
Fairytales
Lately this has been a constant theme in my life, from talking to my little cosine, Sex and the City movie, to my friends Blogs and life events. Ever since I came out the closet, I have been waiting for that fairytale moment in my life. You know the one where you can say with confidence I know my life won’t be perfect but I will live happily ever after with so and so.
I have been waiting for that guy who helps me see the world differently like Aladdin. Or prince Philip who rescues me from all the bad in the world and dance with me as we did in our dreams, and the beast who rescues me from falling for the wrong man while I rescue him from his vices.
Sometimes I feel like Cinderella always doing for everyone else and never myself. I was left so much by my late father but my evil grandfather took it all for himself. I am stuck with having to pretend as if all is well and do as my family ask of me. I finally feel like Ariel, the place where I live is beautiful, but I just don’t fit, my prince is in another place and I am ready to do anything to be with him.
How gay is that for you. For about a year, I felt that maybe I was Carrie and I was trapped to go in and out of love until my Mr. Big realized he wanted to be with me, and I realized that we were made for each other. Let’s just say that is one fairytale I don’t want to be in.
Recently I met a prince charming. He is romantic, the type of guy who would send you flowers to work, take a stroll along the beach at sun set or surprise you with a weekend away at some quite bed and breakfast. That works for me, as I am the type who will cook, clean and do small everyday things to make a guy like that feel he is appreciated.
However, I can’t help but find myself feeling the same way I did last year around the fourth of July. My emotions are unpredictable. He is making it easy to fall in love although I am not in love I am on the verge. I have a date with another guy tomorrow. As it stands now and as I have already made up in my mind, there will be no sex. I feel as though I must go to see if I am ready for love again or if I am meant to play the field a little while longer.
I had this dream awhile back that this guy whom I knew for quite awhile and thought was straight proposed to me. My mother who disapproves of homosexuality actually approved of the guy asking me to marry him as well as all my friends. Needles to say it was a modern fairytale, the perfect ring, and the perfect time and place. But I can’t imagine that coming to pass.
I said what I wanted and now I think I found it. Does it work that easy? It did for my mother she got what she described. He is now in her life and I smile every time I see them they are so happy despite all the things that are slowing down progression, the divorce and recuperating from breast cancer.
I, who always thought of myself as independent, now find myself in debt with absolutely no money, and no job. I owe back rent and car payments. I want my independence back. Although I am gay and want a fairytale, I still look at myself as a guy who needs a decent job and needs to depend upon myself instead of others.
Maybe there is a lesson in all of this for me and maybe this is part of the fairytale. Do I get rescued from all the bad in my life to realize being a househusband is enough to make me happy and work from there, or is it that at my lowest point I find away to pull myself up and then get it all?
I don’t know how this story turns out which is why they call it life. But is it too much to ask that I get a happy love ending? I know I want it all fancy clothes a husband who loves me a house I can entertain guest in and some day kids. After all Cinderella and Ariel got the Happily Ever After, Or do I need to talk to my godmother?
I have been waiting for that guy who helps me see the world differently like Aladdin. Or prince Philip who rescues me from all the bad in the world and dance with me as we did in our dreams, and the beast who rescues me from falling for the wrong man while I rescue him from his vices.
Sometimes I feel like Cinderella always doing for everyone else and never myself. I was left so much by my late father but my evil grandfather took it all for himself. I am stuck with having to pretend as if all is well and do as my family ask of me. I finally feel like Ariel, the place where I live is beautiful, but I just don’t fit, my prince is in another place and I am ready to do anything to be with him.
How gay is that for you. For about a year, I felt that maybe I was Carrie and I was trapped to go in and out of love until my Mr. Big realized he wanted to be with me, and I realized that we were made for each other. Let’s just say that is one fairytale I don’t want to be in.
Recently I met a prince charming. He is romantic, the type of guy who would send you flowers to work, take a stroll along the beach at sun set or surprise you with a weekend away at some quite bed and breakfast. That works for me, as I am the type who will cook, clean and do small everyday things to make a guy like that feel he is appreciated.
However, I can’t help but find myself feeling the same way I did last year around the fourth of July. My emotions are unpredictable. He is making it easy to fall in love although I am not in love I am on the verge. I have a date with another guy tomorrow. As it stands now and as I have already made up in my mind, there will be no sex. I feel as though I must go to see if I am ready for love again or if I am meant to play the field a little while longer.
I had this dream awhile back that this guy whom I knew for quite awhile and thought was straight proposed to me. My mother who disapproves of homosexuality actually approved of the guy asking me to marry him as well as all my friends. Needles to say it was a modern fairytale, the perfect ring, and the perfect time and place. But I can’t imagine that coming to pass.
I said what I wanted and now I think I found it. Does it work that easy? It did for my mother she got what she described. He is now in her life and I smile every time I see them they are so happy despite all the things that are slowing down progression, the divorce and recuperating from breast cancer.
I, who always thought of myself as independent, now find myself in debt with absolutely no money, and no job. I owe back rent and car payments. I want my independence back. Although I am gay and want a fairytale, I still look at myself as a guy who needs a decent job and needs to depend upon myself instead of others.
Maybe there is a lesson in all of this for me and maybe this is part of the fairytale. Do I get rescued from all the bad in my life to realize being a househusband is enough to make me happy and work from there, or is it that at my lowest point I find away to pull myself up and then get it all?
I don’t know how this story turns out which is why they call it life. But is it too much to ask that I get a happy love ending? I know I want it all fancy clothes a husband who loves me a house I can entertain guest in and some day kids. After all Cinderella and Ariel got the Happily Ever After, Or do I need to talk to my godmother?
Victor Building, Victor Pub, Victor Burger, The New Guy?
So Friday night I called the new guy to see what he was up to. A late day at work and tired yet he still wanted to see me at least that what I gathered from our conversation. I had suggested a movie but he was to tired he said and before I could say it was ok and we could hang out Saturday he said he wanted to hang out around his building, the Victor Building. It was on the Camden waterfront. I said it sounded good and he told me how great the pup downstairs was, Victor’s Pub. I made it ok and found the pub all right but I struggled trying to find the parking lot.
I started walking around the building to the apartment entrance and then I saw him. It was like a scene from a movie. I ended up on the wrong stairs and was walking down as he was walking towards me. He was looking sexy. Kind of took my breath away and I pretended I didn’t recognize him but he had a big smile on his face and I knew without a doubt it was him.
We hugged and then we walked to the pub. He is great, a gentlemen through and through wants to get the door and all that other stuff that gentlemen do.
After we were seated, I told him how I hated menus. Too many options and I asked him what’s good and what he was going to order. He smiled and said either the Victor Burger a salad or a club. We also used process of elimination by me telling him things I don’t eat such as pork and lunch meat. So for me a Victor Burger and for him a Turkey Club. He couldn’t order a salad I was already making fun of him drinking a light bear. We talked, ate, and kept the alcohol to a minimum one beer for the each of us.
The time came when I told him the place was almost perfect. And he looked me in the eye and asked how is it almost perfect I told him I would let him know when the waitress came back. I asked if he remembered my favorite soda, it was only our second date so I was not going to hold it agents him if he didn’t remember. He didn’t I asked the waitress if they carried Coke or Pepsi products she said coke so I ordered a coke and told him the place was perfect. He bowed and thanked the waitress. I just laughed. Then there was that moment when we looked at each other and I had to look away, blushing I guess.
We wrapped our food and headed to the roof of his building. We stared over the river to Philadelphia talked about what ever came to mind and I kept thinking wow. He held me close and kept me warm. Then of course, we started making out. On a roof alone with only the streetlights was romantic and he knew it. I was touched because he rather romance and put in effort than just trying to rub me down to get me ready.
I was turned on to the tenth degree. After a good while, he asked if I wanted to watch TV, I was more than ready. He then asked if we should lie down or sit in the living room. I looked at him and said, “You had a long day we should lay down.”
Cuddling I have no clue what was on TV because we started making out the candle light did it. Let’s just say we both got a work out and slept heard that night. The first time I slept over his house. It was our send date and I had the strangest nightmare, dream, or premonition. Not ready to talk about it just yet but stay tuned for it latter.
We cuddled the whole night just about and I was in a whole new world. I do feel there were a few times when I forced myself to think about my ex and compare the two to what I think I want. Anyway, I think new guy will be more soon; I’ll just have to wait and see.
I started walking around the building to the apartment entrance and then I saw him. It was like a scene from a movie. I ended up on the wrong stairs and was walking down as he was walking towards me. He was looking sexy. Kind of took my breath away and I pretended I didn’t recognize him but he had a big smile on his face and I knew without a doubt it was him.
We hugged and then we walked to the pub. He is great, a gentlemen through and through wants to get the door and all that other stuff that gentlemen do.
After we were seated, I told him how I hated menus. Too many options and I asked him what’s good and what he was going to order. He smiled and said either the Victor Burger a salad or a club. We also used process of elimination by me telling him things I don’t eat such as pork and lunch meat. So for me a Victor Burger and for him a Turkey Club. He couldn’t order a salad I was already making fun of him drinking a light bear. We talked, ate, and kept the alcohol to a minimum one beer for the each of us.
The time came when I told him the place was almost perfect. And he looked me in the eye and asked how is it almost perfect I told him I would let him know when the waitress came back. I asked if he remembered my favorite soda, it was only our second date so I was not going to hold it agents him if he didn’t remember. He didn’t I asked the waitress if they carried Coke or Pepsi products she said coke so I ordered a coke and told him the place was perfect. He bowed and thanked the waitress. I just laughed. Then there was that moment when we looked at each other and I had to look away, blushing I guess.
We wrapped our food and headed to the roof of his building. We stared over the river to Philadelphia talked about what ever came to mind and I kept thinking wow. He held me close and kept me warm. Then of course, we started making out. On a roof alone with only the streetlights was romantic and he knew it. I was touched because he rather romance and put in effort than just trying to rub me down to get me ready.
I was turned on to the tenth degree. After a good while, he asked if I wanted to watch TV, I was more than ready. He then asked if we should lie down or sit in the living room. I looked at him and said, “You had a long day we should lay down.”
Cuddling I have no clue what was on TV because we started making out the candle light did it. Let’s just say we both got a work out and slept heard that night. The first time I slept over his house. It was our send date and I had the strangest nightmare, dream, or premonition. Not ready to talk about it just yet but stay tuned for it latter.
We cuddled the whole night just about and I was in a whole new world. I do feel there were a few times when I forced myself to think about my ex and compare the two to what I think I want. Anyway, I think new guy will be more soon; I’ll just have to wait and see.
Friday
To put it simply I went for some kind of interview at blinds to go. I really want the job but I cant find the number to take it to the next sep and I think the guy I talked to hated me. But No biggie.
Thursday
Thursday was the first day I had to myself kind of. I stayed home with my mom and did stuff around the house. My sister being stressed came home from school early and I applied for more jobs via the web. My sister tried to convince me to go her boyfriend’s football game. Laughable I a gay guy, who is getting more and more into fashion, modeling, and the internet tech and shopping, go to a high school football game.
Well I also understand the duties of high school students so when she said she wasn’t going I told she had to and that I would go with.
Meanwhile the whole day Josh and I were texting each other and arguing playfully as to who is more gay and acts it. I lost, thanks Jazz. Our “text-versation” morphed into simpler topics and his last text of the left me looking a fool in front of all those people. He texted me “I have a mouth full of skittles and I know you want to taste the rainbow, some kid just said that to me.” I died laughing and couldn’t stop.
I eventually started calling people and that was entertainment for a little while. The game went into overtime and my sister’s boy friend’s team was winning. As it was late, we had to leave so we would not miss Sex and the City.
Well I also understand the duties of high school students so when she said she wasn’t going I told she had to and that I would go with.
Meanwhile the whole day Josh and I were texting each other and arguing playfully as to who is more gay and acts it. I lost, thanks Jazz. Our “text-versation” morphed into simpler topics and his last text of the left me looking a fool in front of all those people. He texted me “I have a mouth full of skittles and I know you want to taste the rainbow, some kid just said that to me.” I died laughing and couldn’t stop.
I eventually started calling people and that was entertainment for a little while. The game went into overtime and my sister’s boy friend’s team was winning. As it was late, we had to leave so we would not miss Sex and the City.
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