This Aint Me

Tropophobia -
Fear of moving or making changes.

Two of my posibule job leads would require me to move.

Not Yet, Go crazy, CHANGE!!

I really want to quit smoking but I have to take care of my mom and being irritable while doing it is difficult. So I bought a new pack and quit my job today. I started the day with only one real interview set up and an appointment with a modeling agency. By the end of the day I had a totle of four. I have to give a shout out to Monster.com.

Things are looking up and I was a lil nervous to just quite Home Depot but I now know why the store I was working at cant keep cashiers.

I also cut and died my hair today. The red is back and it is curlier.

I hope with all this changes and interviews I will end up making decent money and being happy with my life.

Oh Shit

Why did I quit smoking yesterday?

Food For Thought

Fear of The Week
Pharmacophobia
Fear of taking medicine

Mr. O'Neill:"You know what they say: A spoonfull of sugar helps the medicine go down!"
Jane:"Not if you're diabetic."


-From Daria Episode "Arts 'n' Crass."

WoW I was angry!

I went pretty far back in my blogs today. The ones on vpoin0.blogspot.com. I got to a certain point then realized that I was really angry in high school. So angry I am shocked that I didn't die of a heart attack.

One post in particular stuck out to me. It was so bad that I had to send a friend who I barley talk to an apology. It was an I.M. session where I got quite angry fairly quickly. I failed to see and truly understand someone that now I think about it should be in my circle of best friends. I still feel bad about the things I said to him and I can't believe that for the longest time he tried to be my friend whole-heartedly.

For the first time I am dedicating this blog to someone, Boima Blake. You have a heart of gold and I'm sorry I took you for granted.

Ok I am going to do this one more time.

Bubble Gum, I just may be obsessed with it. I asked once before on V.0 Any Questions. Why is it that they make everything you can think of bubble gum flavored except Kool Aid. They have hugs, bubbles, yes those things you blow and are made of soap. They have ice pops, ice cream, hard candy, cotton candy, cakes and cookies, they even have a whole line of body washes and lotions. Don’t doubt it I have a set, don’t ask. But you cannot buy bubble gum flavored Kool Aid.

Everyone loves the flavor of bubble gum. While researching the whole Bubble gum Kool Aid Conundrum I found several sites where people were asking for a recipe for bubble gum flavored ice cream. I remember growing up my cousins and I could take a dollar to the drug store and come back with a bag of bubble gum flavored stuff. No need to mention what we bought just read the first paragraph again.

On would think since this country of ours is a little obsessed with bubble gum and its grand flavor, that the makers of Kool Aid the favorite beverage of millions and the prized table wine of black people, would make a bubble gum flavored Kool Aid.

Today at Home Depot

It was an interesting day at work, aside from the sky having trouble making up its mind as to whether it wanted to send rain or sun shine. I was stuck the entire day in the garden center, the one area that stays busy enough to make me like my job. Mind you I was more than happy to go work for Home Depot but every time I am forced to work on an indoor register I can’t help but want to throw my hands in the air and exclaim “I Quite, this place is to boring!”

I think the first issue I had was I had to work side by side with the world worst talker. This woman doesn’t talk she rambles. And when she is not rambling, she is butting in where she is not needed. Now we both started the same time and I except the fact that we know a fair decent amount but she irks my nerves. I can be helping a customer and she will but in only to repeat what I am saying or to show that she is listening. I hate that as a customer and I hate that as someone providing a service. I don’t dislike her she just has this bad habit of talking when she should just shut up.

After the annoyance was gone, I was alone in the garden center. It had slowed down a decent amount but not to the point, I was bored. I had a lot of price inquires, finding missing or correct SKUs, and ringing up items that I never get to really see, you know the big stuff that people pick up after they pay for.

But finally, I had the customer of the day, the one that put me on my toes. She was drunk and bought 36 plants, all the same type and color. I was nervous because she was clearly intoxicated to the point she could not stand straight up. She weebled and wobbled yet didn’t fall down. She told me her father had dropped dead last Thursday; she also told me she had some odd number of acres of land. I gave her my apologies for her loss and she hugged me. She said it has become uncommon for people to say that anymore. She then decided to pay debit and mentioned it was because she didn’t trust credit cards and daddy taught her well,

She was so intoxicated that I made her finish it out as a credit transaction; she had a visa check card. I then figured out she was one of this wealthy women. She told me she had some obscene amount of money in her checking account and she didn’t care how she paid along as it came out of there.

She hugged me again and told me how drunk she was and that she thought she smashed part of her car on the way to Home Depot. But she didn’t care. I let her go and I was worried, I was not trained on how to handle an intoxicated customer. She clearly couldn’t drive and she knowing she was drunk asked for loading assistance. So I figured is anyone would know how to handle it, it would be one of the lot techs who have been there longer than I have.

A little while later one of my crushes came by and mentioned about the drunken lady, as soon as he loaded her car and she pulled off, she smashed into a Cadillac pulled away and went on about her business.

He also informed me that she tried to make out with him. He was cute about it. Calling her a MILF and saying she wasn’t his type. Stupid me not keeping track failed to realize it was a perfect opportunity to ask, “Then what is your type?” But I missed an opportunity. I just need him to tell me he is straight so I can cross him off my list officially.
For now, I am just waiting to see if I was wrong for ringing her up and not taking any other action. As of now, I received word she was caught. But I won’t think about that now, I’ll think about it tomorrow.

VSBII Update I

Ok so I know its time for an official update.

Last Tuesday my car was towed again. Jason told me parking in an iffy spot was ok because he did it before. When we returned to my car, it was gone. I was sick the next day so I called out of work. When I made the call, I could barley talk. I knew I was getting sick all Tuesday I just didn’t feel myself. I had to spend the whole day at Jason’s house I had no money to take septa and my house keys were in my car. I had to wait for my last unemployment check to hit my account. Needles to say I dint hit until Friday because I filled something out wrong.
Thursday was the big day. My mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer. The solution was a mastectomy. It was scheduled for that Thursday. I washed the closes on my back and put them on again in the morning after taking a shower. The day was truly an off day for me. I left the house without my cell phone and my hair was beyond hope, not to mention I spent the whole day in the hospital with no money. Everyone showed up grandma, my two aunts, my uncle and my mom’s good friend Donna who drove us to the hospital.

After what felt like a century, the doctor came and told us everything went well and that she would soon be moved to recovery. We went to the next waiting room, a few hours more hours latter and me almost cursing out a nurse, we were allowed to see her two by two. My sister and I were first.

My mother groggy from the anesthesia did not hesitate to joke. “Did you see the truck that hit me?” I not being sure if she was joking or a little loopy from the anesthesia felt the need to tell her she wasn’t hit by a truck. She told me it was a joke. It was hard knowing what she just went through and I was sad but tried my best not to show it.

After everyone else went to see, her Donna and I were the last two it was my second time. My mom told the truck joke and Donna didn’t miss a beat. She went along and the two of them joked but I could see Donna wanted to cry.

Every day my sister and I go to see my mother and although she looks better each and every single time. It breaks my heart when I think about what she has gone through and how she will have to wait for scars to fade. I really do love my mother and I am really seeing her strength.
The day after the surgery, I had to call out of work because I received word, while I was trying to get my car before 9:30 am, she might have to go back into the OR. I stayed almost the whole day until my sister started falling asleep.
Saturday was my first day back to work and I had to face the music. I had been honest and my boss already knew what was going on. I explained to her and her boss the major details of why I had to call out. They were just concerned and wanted me to know that the understood and wanted to make sure we were all on the same page as I am in my first 90 days.
So now I am living back in Sharon Hill, my mom is currently in the hospital, I am trying to make everything revolve around my work schedule, and keep my sister inline. With all this running, I am tired and I still have to set her room up.

Today I met the guy my mother will be officially dating once her divorce goes through. I knew he was a good guy and from what my mom was telling me I knew I liked him. Although she described him in was that made him seem too good to be human, I tried my best to see what she really meant. I must admit physically he is not what I would have picked for her but he is a handsome man with a nice body. He has a great personality and the best feature of all. . . I can have a real conversation with him.

My love life is a little more complicated yet still existent if you can call it that. Damian had surgery on the 15th but being the G he is he is forcing a quick recovery. Jerry is making a point to remind me how much he misses me but every time I have time to talk to him, he is asleep or at work. I really need to tell him what is going on so it doesn’t seem like I am avoiding him.
However, I am technically single. And there are three guys I have a little crush on at work, not sure, if any of them are gay so I am not getting my hopes up, not to mention I work with them.
The past several days I have been, feeling really overwhelmed with emotion and needed someone who would listen to me. Out of all the people I know there was only one I knew I could really open up to. Jazz was busy with her life in NYC and her phone hardly works. I was angry with Jason and Gina, well she has her own issues and although she is a great listener, I would still need a little advice on how to deal.

Of all the people, I know Joshua is the one great listener. As I list all my best friends, I realize each one has a specialty. Josh s my soon to be best friend for his ability to be in touch with his emotions on such a level its downright annoying at times but it is also helps him see into others and relate as needed. And I was missing that so we are talking now. I haven’t poured out my heart and soul as I wanted to but I think its coming.

Checking In

Hey don't want anyone to think that I undated everything and walked away. Things have been really hectic. i am really busy with running around and everything. Check back soon for details.

Changing Not a Little

Hey guys you noticed that i have changed the look and feel of my blog. I have even changed the basic gist of it. With that being said its time that I also change the name it no longer fits. I cant think of one at the moment so i am more then open to surgestions. you can use the comment field to leave a comment wih your surgestions.

I also want to point out the links at the bottom of the page. you'll notice, Indigo Black (Comming soon) is the first link. I am planning on launching my first completly self sustained web site by the end of the summer. In turn V.0 the look will be taken down and all my post will be moved over.

The link called V.0 any questions will always be around but all relivent post will slowly but surly be repolished and moved to this blog.

So people poke around check things out and remember I want to hear from you. always feel free to email me for advice and what ever else may be on you mind at Titus.VSBII@Gmail.com

Simi Automatic Rest Rooms

So you have seem the many new advances mad to make public rest rooms more sanitary. There are the automatic soap dispensers that since when your hand is under and give you a little dab to wash ur hands, the sensing hand blowers, self flushing toilets, self flushing urinals, faucets that come on when you put your hands under and go off when you remove them, even paper towel dispensers are automatic. Its amazing to think that you can walk into a bathroom and touch only your self to come out relieved, clean, sanitized and dry.

But you have also noticed that no completely automatic bathroom exists. There is only the semiautomatic ones that create awkward moments.

Being a guy using the public restroom is already cumbersome. All those rules we had to learn in our years of going from lavatory to lavatory. We had to teach ourselves not to let our eye wonder to keep everyone else comfortable and keep us from getting into a fight. We learned to skip a urinal to keep guys with wondering eyes away from us. The courtesy flush was one we learned to keep others who could not see us from making embarrassing comments such as “What the hell was he eating?” and “OMG I’ll go find another room to use!” and finally no talking, you do not have conversation until you are at the sink (usually).

So in today’s restrooms you never know what to expect. You enter in and go to the urinal which hardly has a divider and commence taking a piss while keeping your eyes forward and junk guarded. When all is done you go to flush only to find no Handel as you are accustomed to. Just a blinking light to indicate its automatic. You then walk timidly to the sink as not to make an ass of yourself and figure out if you just put your hands under or pull a knob lift a lever or push down on the hot and cold knobs. With out think you go to get soap from the dispenser and low and behold its another automatic thing. You wave your hand under to get some soap it gives you what looks like a melting pink maggot hardly enough to clean a man sized hand. To rectify the situation you stand there like an insane person waving your hand back and forth to get an adequate amount of soap.

Just when we think the ordeal is all over and we are assured we know all the possible drying solutions we find not a hand blower but a paper towel dispenser with no lever. Once again, we wave our hand to get the right amount of towel to dry man sized hands.

To top it all off and make us almost never want to use a rest room again we see that our female friends are waiting for us.

The perfect men’s room of course would be one where everything is automatic from the door to the hand blower. It would be best if the bath room would stop accepting people once its reached maximum capacity. Or just leave it how we are used to it, completely manual and disgusting. We were trained to use those and we find it much simpler and inviting. Put frankly men are simple.

Snakes Worms and MAGGOTS!

I would say it stems from my grandmothers this fear of mine. Both are terrified of snakes yet both are southern women. Neither is fearful of mice, which I find odd, their reasoning behind it is that they pretty much grew up with them and it’s a problem they had to deal with. Both my mother and father’s mothers don’t understand how a woman could be afraid of mice and find the fear laughable.

My mother is the reverse of my grandmothers she fears mice and loves snakes. She feels she should not fear the creature that eats the thing she fears.
I on the other hand don’t fear snakes but worms and maggots could cause me a heart attack. My mother finds it comical, a boy afraid of worms and maggots. I will admit I tried the whole torture of the worms gig when I was younger but if one was to ever get on me, well I’ll leave it to you imagination. When I would find one on the side walk after it had rained I would quickly shutter and take a giant step over it quickly and allow it to continue its journey to where ever it thought it might find dirt.

You can imagine my difficulty in taking out the trash in the spring and summer. My uncle told me of a true horror story that happened to him, he and I have the same fear.
One cool summer evening my uncle had delayed in taking out the trash. So he had to do it under nightfall. In the back yard there was no light so with it being dark it could not clearly see the trash cans. Much to his dismay he soon found out that the can were covered in maggots. Just when he relized why the can appeared to be moving, he found himself to be covered. horror-struck he screamed while trying to become uncovered.

Hearing the cries for help my grand mother rushed to the back yeard to find her baby boy being attacked by evile morsels of white larvae. Screaming she at once truied to help him. The two of them standing in the backyeard in fear and trying to become free. While trying to help her son she inturn became covered and they both ended up trying to release the other.
Each and every time my uncle tries to tell this story I become so engulfed with fear that I skip past the dramatic details and ask how he became free. He would then say “I ran to the shower, then poured bleach all over the trash cans.”

My cousins and aunts would laugh hysterically at this story but I feel my uncle’s trauma. However I must admit it is quite comical.

The first and only time I went down to meet my fathers extended family, I went with my grand mother her friend and my aunt. It was the last night and in true southern tradition we went house to house to say good bye. Luckily for us everyone lived in quite close proximity.
Unfortunately, for my grandmother the field we had to cross had haughty grass and was poorly lit. me having knowledge of her fear of sneaks I formed the perfect prank. When she was distracted in conversation I took my finger and rubbed her ankle while making a hissing sound. I kid you not when I say she jumped three feet in the air. When she realized what had happened she retorted in a loving mannor, “Victor I’m a knock the shit out a you.” We all laughed harder. One time was funnie but three times were priceless. Each time was just as effective as the first. I could tell my grandmotrher was not as into it as the rest ofd us so I left it at three.

So that in a nut shell is proof that fears are hereditary.

My True Love is Anonymous

Now that i am officially over my ex this is how i feel. i never listened to the lyrics of this song until today. It amazing i never thought i would or could find a song that would convey how i feel completely but here it is was in front of me the whole time.

Anonymous lyrics
(feat. Timbaland)

[VERSE 1]
For a minute it was looking like
I'd end up one of those guys
Spending my whole life
Looking for a special lady to save me
Maybe I'll never be satisfied
Had a couple bad lucks and a couple dimes
Now that I'm looking for you
Why are you so hard to find?

I thought I took one step
I took two back
I'm not even close this time
And thats a fact
All I know is that we'd be the perfect match
So where you at love?
I just gotta find you, yeah.

I wanna know, I wanna know
Your name, Your name, Your name
Why you gotta be anonymous?
I gotta know, I gotta know
Your name, Your name, Your name
Why you gotta be anonymous?
Baby I want you so much
Wanna hold, wanna feel your touch
Come fast girl I'm in a rush
Why you gotta be anonymous?
I wanna know, I gotta know
Your name, Your name, Your name
Why you gotta be anonymous?

[BRIDGE]
What's your name?
Anonymous
Where you at?
Anonymous
When I think about you I get a rush
I wanna meet my Ms.Anonymous

[VERSE 2]
Only see you when I close my eyes
We on borrowed time
When I delayed the sunlight
Everything I tried to tell you I failed to
Maybe I'll tell you another time
How you keeping me so pre-occupied
Got a strong hold on me
Pay me no never mind

I thought I took one step
I took two back
I'm not even close this time
And thats a fact
All I know is that we'd be the perfect match
So where you at love?
I just gotta find you, babe.

I wanna know, I wanna know
Your name, Your name, Your name
Why you gotta be anonymous?
I gotta know, I gotta know
Your name, Your name, Your name
Why you gotta be anonymous?
Baby I want you so much
Wanna hold, wanna feel your touch
Come fast girl I'm in a rush
Why you gotta be anonymous?
I wanna know, I gotta know
Your name, Your name, Your name
Why you gotta be anonymous?

What's your name?
Anonymous
Where you at?
Anonymous
When I think about you I get a rush
I wanna meet my Ms.Anonymous

[VERSE 3 - TIMBALAND]
Is ya name MaryAnne,
Or KathyLee?
Wanna hold my hand?
Come get with me.
Which dime wanna ride?
Everything on me
Girl you aint gotta lie
Tell me what's it gon be
I gotta know, I gotta know [x7]
Bobby V Bobby V Timothy Timothy
Tell them bring in the hook baby

I wanna know, I wanna know
Your name, Your name, Your name
Why you gotta be anonymous?
I gotta know, I gotta know
Your name, Your name, Your name
Why you gotta be anonymous?
Baby I want you so much
Wanna hold, wanna feel your touch
Come fast girl I'm in a rush
Why you gotta be anonymous?
I wanna know, I gotta know
Your name, Your name, Your name
Why you gotta be anonymous?

What's your name?
Anonymous
Where you at?
Anonymous
When I think about you I get a rush
I wanna meet my Ms.Anonymous

Yeah, Valentino, This another one, let's go
Ride with me girl, I been looking for you
Let's go yeah

Bye Josh

I read his blogs and analyze, when I get his text I think on how I should respond and what he is really trying to say between the lines. I talk to him on the phone and try to mind my P's and Q's. I try to remember who I really am and let it shine through.

When we dated I saw his flaws and allowed my growing love for him mask them. I cooked, I cleaned, went grocery shopping with him and hung with his friends but he refused to let me in completely and when he did share how he felt he always said sorry. Latter he broke my heart but pulling away completely. We then tried to be friends. I laughed with him and tried to understand him. I tried to open up in my usual way but he never saw through the ways I try to protect my feelings. I wondered hard about how I fell in love with someone who honestly loved someone else. He was unable to understand me and I always never looked him in the eye.

I denied my love until one night I was in bed with a therapist who tried hard not to analyze but couldn't help but give in. He told me things about my self that I felt but never understood like how I was not bipolar just a little depressed occasionally about my life and that I set ridiculously high standards for the guys I date. I realized there had only ever been one guy who fell short in almost every way and I still wanted. The guy who broke my heart.

I now read his blogs and still wonder why cant he see I am trying and want to continue to try to love the only way I know how. With all my heart.

My heart has been given to so many people and crushed. My mother has told me for as long as I remember not to wear my heart on my sleeve. I have had best friends turn on me lie about me and I could not help but forgive. I have had family put me in situations that I could not escape and I dealt with them the best I knew how. I can honestly say I have always tried to make the best of every situation. I am a survivor. Look at my life.

Now at 22 there is a part of me that just wants to give not only the physical and of my time but my emotions. I am bursting I wanted a true friend for as long as I can remember someone I could tell everything to. Someone who got me and I Found Jaz she know me all to well and I barely have to tell her a thing and she remains loyal. Then I met Jason and the same thing. I have two best friends that know me better than any one I ever tried to befriend. I know they will always love me and will always tell me the truth. Now that I know what real friends are I except nothing less.

So how one change romantic love into simple friend love, how dose one take an ex boy friend and make him just a friend. He wont give of himself, he wont truly open up to you. He has this image of me that I cant figure out. He likes all hies other people and still sleeps with me. He flat out doesn't want to be with me but he is no Jason and surly no Jaz.

Where dose he fit. He get jealous when I mention other guys and hates it when I bitch about them. He finds my mean side fake and unappealing. His idea of hanging out with me is staying in and watching a movie.

I feel he has little regard for the fact I actually loved him yet he plays on it to get quick satisfaction. Where in my life would that person fit? He talks of marriage to the guy who will sweep him off his feet ans how fun it is to “play house”

when I ask him flat out questions to clarify who we are to each other I get “I don't Know” I read his blog to find he not only is still in love with his ex but had a 4 year crush on some other guy that he recently slept with, Where dose this guy fit into my life. A guy who is consumed by his job and his emotions that he can not share with me. “I don't know” is not an option as an answer for me. So I had no choice but to say good by.

It hurts to have someone say to you, “your not good enough and never will be no matter how hard you try” in a long drawn out display. Its easier to hear “Your not what I want” or when they say lets just be friends they honestly treat you like a friend.

I am finally angry enough with him to say it, There was the one time I looked into his eyes and I was hurt buy what I saw, a night where I cooked him dinner and joked with him on the couch I saw he wasn't there and there was where I got my answer to all his “I don't knows.”

He knew but refused to accept it. He made a mistake.

My Guy

Ever want something so bad you can taste it? A guy a girl the king of all chocolate bars? Since I was 20 there has been that one thing I wanted. A guy to love and who would love me in return. Yes I have this description in my head of what I want him to look like the kind of money he should make, his family, the car he drives, where he lives, and all that other stuff. But I know that the material and physical is all fantasy. However the love part is real.

I should be able to come home and cry in his arms about work or what ever and he should be assured that if there is nothing more he can do that the fact he allows me to stay in his arms will make it alright in my eyes and vice versa. He should know that when he is in need I will be there to give my all. His answer to honey how was your day will never be a simply fine or OK. We will delight in telling each other about the funny, the sad, the depressing, and other parts of our day that others may find insignificant.

Time away from each other wont feel brutal or relieving but will make the time together more enjoyable. To share a bed will feel far more natural than sleeping alone. On nights we don't cuddle, to simply know we are sleeping next to one another will give us joy. The little things we do each day for one another will mean more than the Christmas and birthday presents that we give.

to sit and talk about any and everything over a cup of coffee or tea on Sunday afternoons will be cherished.

There will be arguing, disagreement, and misunderstandings because no one is perfect. There will be times when I will want him to do things that he think are stupid and I should not request of him. Times when I think its cold and he thinks it hot. He wants steak and I want fish. He says movies and I say clubbing. But even during our heated debates over child rearing, dinner plans, and disgusting habits, we are a little happy deep down inside because we know we love each other.

But above all despite our past apart and together we are secure in knowing that we can always be honest with the other. This is what I want. Think about most people don't eat candy bars for the chocolate or candy coating its whats inside that makes them call it their favorite.

Last night at Woody's

So Jason and I decided we were going to go to Woody's. I guess in an attempt to find us a ride he invited Zach. in the process we ended up needing two cars. So I was convinced to drive and Zach would drive behind me to ensure no cops read my tags. I had to pick up Phil Jason's ex and now good friend and three girls one of which I went to HS with Dana was in my second semester math class.

Anyway I ended up running terribly late and then had to stop by one of the girls house to grab her id. The whole time Phil is calling Jason to give an up date as to where we are and what was going on. We finally made it to Jason's house around 10:30pm and preceded to CC via the chestnut route. Most of the ride they were infarct ahead of me. But I proved to my passenger I was the better driver.

Once at what is referred to as the free parking lot. We convinced Jason and I mad best friend comment to each other about my timing and what not.

The night was staring a heavily intoxicated Louis, Jason's boyfriend, our new friend Lauren, Danny the chix from my math class, her two friends, Phil, Jason Tia, Zach with new facial hair, and myself.

Laughing smoking and drinking we head to the club. I had smoked my last cigarette before the club only to get two free packs before going in. I gave one to Jason.

The night was simply dancing till we got tired. When Beyonce's Get Me Bodied came on, me Jason and Phil all hit the floor to do all the dances. I later found out that when Jason went to sweep the floor with it he ripped hie jeans in a section that left him exposed, thank God for his underwear.

Louis and I ended up down stares where he told me he had been having people buy him drinks. He then mentioned he had to pee so I walked him to the bathroom and he mumbled something and then said he didn't like Vic. I looked at the closing door and whispered to my self, “But I'm Vic.” he returned to correct himself, “I don't like Phil.” he said “he stresses Jason out and I like to see Jason Happy.” cute but in mu opinion a little off.

I was supposed to meet my Internet friend George but we missed each other. I learned a few things while on the dance floor. Sorry no profound insight into life and being gay this time. I learned there is this ball called Gay prom, my friend from SJP dose infarct have a boyfriend, and is moving out of his parents place, and that its a bad idea to wear shoes that your quite fond of on an overpopulated dance floor.

I left thinking my black and white DCs would be badly hurt but they still look new. I just had sour toes. I also learned that Louis really cant dance when intoxicated. His bumping and grinding almost put my genitalia in my chest.

After a night of laughing and dancing it was time to go home. We waited for Tia to walk tay home witch turned from a brisk walk into a march of dimes we simply met her there.

I must say Zach with his facial hair looked quite sexy. But the whole trying to date him thing I'm over it . There is not much else to tell after getting off 95 we parted ways and I dropped everyone off after stopping at Wawa.

I was drenched in sweat. My wet clothes hit the floor like bricks at 3:30am Thursday morning. And I got in bed. No music no TV I just passed out.

Ha Ha

Ha Ha I like this song its kind of how the world works. its by Katy Perry got give a shout toi Matthew Lush for helping me discover her.

Ur So Gay

(V1)
I hope you hang yourself with your H&M scarf
While jacking off listening to Mozart
You bitch and moan about LA
Wishing you were in the rain reading Hemingway
You don't eat meat
And drive electrical cars
You're so indie rock it's almost an art
You need SPF 45 just to stay alive

(CHORUS)
You're so gay and you don't even like boys
No you don't even like
No you don't even like
No you don't even like boys
You're so gay and you don't even like boys
No you don't even like
No you don't even like
No you don't even like…

(V2)
You're so sad maybe you should buy a happy meal
You're so skinny you should really Super Size the deal
Secretly you're so amused
That nobody understands you
I'm so mean cause I cannot get you outta your head
I'm so angry cause you'd rather MySpace instead
I can't believe I fell in love with someone that wears more makeup than…

(CHORUS)
You're so gay and you don't even like boys
No you don't even like
No you don't even like
No you don't even like boys
You're so gay and you don't even like boys
No you don't even like
No you don't even like
No you don't even like…

(BRIDGE)
You walk around like you're oh so debonair
You pull 'em down and there's really nothing there
I wish you would just be real with me

(CHORUS)
You're so gay and you don't even like boys
No you don't even like
No you don't even like
No you don't even like boys
You're so gay and you don't even like boys
No you don't even like
No you don't even like
Oh no no no no no no no
You're so gay and you don't even like boys
No you don't even like
No you don't even like
No you don't even like boys
You're so gay and you don't even like boys
No you don't even like
No you don't even like
No you don't even like… PENIS

Friends

My friend.

At times I can be a loud bitching funnie and honest person. I am always my self and I never change to make those around me more comfortable. I fit in in many different settings and always manage to seen as the same person in each one. When it comes to my friends I always speak my mind, how I feel, and tell them the truth even if it may hurt their feelings.

However, recently I have found that two people have gone through my life never knowing the person all my friends know. I find it mind boggling as to why that is. Every single person that Knows Victor Bethea knows his life is an honest open book. I always argue my point while still trying to understand why my adversary sees the opposite. I only apologize when I know I was more wrong then the other person and when I'm pissed sad, depressed, furious (and everyone who truly knows me there is a big difference between my levels of anger)i always let my true feelings show to my exclusive circle of friends.

My best friend from High School. Basically through our friendship away once he hit college. I always backed down in arguments, I wanted his approval, I tried to assert to him that I thought he was a great friend and an awesome person. I always wanted to do what he wanted to do when we hung out. I found myself jealous when my other friends started talking and hanging out with him. I never let it show or told anyone. I never wanted to date him so it wasn't like I thought my self as his boyfriend or anything I just was a totally different person for him. He was one of the few people that could look at me to shut up and I would with out giving a sly look, quick response or anything.

Now I am sitting here and wondering why. I never got angry or yelled at him which was strange because in high school I yelled at everyone. I bet one of my other good friends with my shoe in the hall way after lunch. I felt he was a spoiled brat who needed to know what it was like to get a but beating.

Time went by and I accepted the friendship was over and I never wanted to find someone like him again. How ever a few months after my 21^st birthday I found another. It was all fun in the beginning while we dated but after the dating was done and friendship was agreed upon I noticed I looked at the same way I did my friend in high school.

While we dated and even now as friends I still never raised my voice to him like I've done with my other friends. I refuse to let him see or hear my cry, I allow him to dominate our friendship. There have been times that I was honestly disappointed in our hangout activities but said nothing and showed no emotion as to how I truly felt. I try to remain a happy person but many times it comes off as bitter or mean spirited towards the rest of the world. I allow him to say what he want and get away with it. Its not nearly as bad as high school.

Recently I have found that this is unhealthy and along with the “I Don't Know”s is going to ruin everything. I am not going to confront him about any of this but simply change how I deal with situations around and or concerning him. I will have to make a point to remember how I would deal with something with Jaz or Jason. I don't care what other people think so long as when they walk away from me they know the Victor they talked to is the same Victor everyone else talks to.

These two people are at no fault for the way I act around them. I simply gave them power over me. I was the one who changed for no reason. It has maybe cost me one friendship but I refuse to let it be the reason for anything else in my life to go sour.

"I Don't Know"

“I Don't Know”

It's a pretty common English phrase. I have always thought of it as an easy way to annoy or evoke anger. My mother hated when that was my response and always was able to put a sarcastic spin on it. It is however going to cost me a friendship. I always thought that in time I would be able to get over this person and be happy being friends. I thought and hoped that the time would come where we would either date or we look at each other and realize we make better friends.

One sad night I was angered by something he said. When I look back on it I don't know why it angered me but it did and I in turn handled it like a bitch. Was he hurt or sad or a combination of the two I don't know and at the time I didn't care. It however lead to him having a heart to heart with my most best friend, things he said that I would have preferred her not to hear. The vocalization of what one person sees as certain flaws should only be heard by the one whom the flaws lie. Especially those that cannot be changed and others that should not be changed.

After I saw what was going on I had a drink then expressed my out rage. After a little yelling and driving people home my best friend told me what was said. The heart to heart did not anger me so much but the fact this person told my friend what he told her did. It was a fairly silent ride home with him trying to get me to speak. I was pissed and would have preferred him to take me home in silence and leave. He was sobbing and I was being a bitch hardening my heart. We got home and that conversation took place.

Every question I asked was answered with two sorry excuses for an answer to be nullified with “i don't Know.” we talked enough to the point I calmed down and excepted I wasn't going to get my way. At least not that night. We went to bed and parted ways that morning. I wanted to get to some point fast. Either dating or just friends. I called Friday and said we shouldn't talk for a week. No luck there, Thursday I got a text saying he bought me a key chain. I waited till Friday to respond. We resumed right where we were the Tuesday before we went to Woody's. At some point we even started having sex again. He didn't want to date any body he was still getting over his ex. I realized I should do the same as I was trying to get over mine, Him.

Recently the time has come where I am ready to date now. He made it quite clear that he got a little jealous when I was with the other guy that night and when I made out with his friend. He even sounded jealous when I mentioned the guy I was going to try and date. Then the night came when my guy called me and he was sitting next to me. He appeared almost pissed when I said my guy hung up on me and said “I thought you weren't going to date him.” I told him we were just friend and until a week ago it was true.

As I am getting back to the field and my new guy and I are trying to take things to a serious level. I am noticing things in my ex that are more then just turn offs. His obsession with the ex that treated him bad the entire relationship, the boring sex, the receding hair line, the constant attitude, his judgmental sounds and looks, and constant over appreciation of some things and under appreciation of others tend to make me slightly more than annoyed. To be brutally honest he is not all that attractive, he is not tall with a flat ass, he is in debt like I am and smokes like a chimney.

I am a great friend to all my friends its one of the things that make me happy. I share common interest with all my friends whether it be the jokes we tell, music we listen to, the places we hang out, common upbringing or the books we read. I don't see being the friend to him that I am to everyone else.

Your probably wondering what made me fall in love, how did I know, why was I pining over him so long? My answerer to that is “I Don't Know.”

Will he ever be able to give me proper closure, answer my questions, speak his mind as well as his heart? “I don't know”

I have no clue as to what my future holds. There are so many reasons as to why I am angry with my ex so many reasons I am angry with my self. I know I cant wait for him to finally make up his mind. He talks a good game like every guy I've dated. He wants what I want but I feel I am only an example to him. I see it in his face when I look at him. He is honestly one person who's eyes I can't look into for fear of what I may see. I feel like at the end of the day I am just the measuring stick for his dream guy a guy who is happy to do his laundry, cook him dinner, listen to him bitch and complain, reassure him when he is down and yet be content with the little he has in life.

My ex's dream guy is black closer to his hight has a nice size dick acts like he is from the hood is a total bottom, and has all the qualities I mentioned in the paragraph before. He is not me and it hurts because it could have been but I don't want it any more. I can't see my self moving backward to set myself up for God only knows what. He could be my soul mate but I doubt it. We could become the best of friends, I doubt that as well. The bottom line is I am angry with him, he broke my heart, how can I forgive him?

I don't know.

Last Time at Woodys

So Wednesday night was club night. This one was quite exciting as we haven't gone in like three weeks. I got to see a friend that I honestly haven't seen since last year. I drove a car that wasn't mine and I got drunk at the club. I don't know why but I have been cutting back on my alcohol consumption not intentionally, its just the way its been.

So the music was bumping and we were having fun. I was supposed to meet 2 other guys. One never showed and I never found the other. However my friend Dawane sent me a text asking where I was. We decided to meet at the bar. It was a Kamikaze night I had it in my flask and I had one as soon as I got to the club. With my birthday having just passed and most of my friends not showing up I and getting my birthday drinks still. When Dawane showed up I could see he was clearly pissed. He ordered my second drink and a Grey Goose on the rocks for himself. I forced him to let off his chest what was bothering him. It was something about a grad school friend and a lie slash roomer and the end of a relationship and what not. And like most of our conversations more so the resent ones we talked about why we are not dating and the different approaches to him finding a boy friend.

Everyone just wants to be friends and nothing more. I get to know them as a friend be fore I decide to date them and then they always say “i don't want to ruin the friendship.” I wonder why don't they just take the risk.

Being drunk I did not hesitate in my response. I told him stop being out to make friends and look to find a boyfriend. He allows people to become comfortable with friendship and bla bla bla you know where I am going.

He stepped out side and I found a guy to flirt with. This was funnie. I stepped in because it was loud and I wanted to hear what he had to say. He immediately began caressing my body. I was wearing my favorite jeans that make my ass look way great how any guy gay or straight would want an ass to be and a small t shirt that said “Keep staring I might do a trick.” I was drunk and feeling sexy. The guy was some nerd who I thought in a odd sort of way was kind of cute. After only exchanging about 2 sentences he raised his head quite suavely to initiate a kiss. I simply began talking again. He asked what I was drinking and I told him. You would think he would offer to buy me another. Na his conversation skills lacked as well. He would talk and I would lean in to catch what he said and bore I could stand straight again he would motion for a kiss. After his blatant attempted where he almost stood up to try and reach my mouth I hurried to my drink, finished the last drop and told him it was time I rejoined my friends up stares. Poor bloke had very little looks, no game, and poor conversation ability. I could have called him out the many times he tried to kiss me or took the dominate roll and been forceful to get what I wanted but it was not worth the energy and I didn't have a decent audience.

Back up stairs to dance a little I told Dawane to text me when he got back in. It was cute watching my friend RJ get hit on by a really cute guy and then get his number. I can remember a time I would feel a little jealousy but lately I've just been really happy for the other person.

Dawane did text me and back down to my favorite bar. I went back to flirting with the new bartender. He was cute but a total bottom. Dawane started with I don't understand why you wont date me. Being even more drunk I tried to explain I didn't find him attractive that the physical was important to me and I could only ever see him as a friend that the love I have growing between us is like that of a cousin, and you simply don't date your cousin. He accepted it but wasn't happy.

Then these two hot guys walk in with one guy that kinda looked like a chocolate Yoda. Its cool I told him about it. I asked if the two hot guys were dating. The response was priceless. One said no the other I don't know. The I don't know was the one I wanted. We began talking about random stuff. I know body hair and light beer were topics. The more I talked to him the more like a straight guy he appeared and the more I was attracted. So I asked about the “I don't know.” he explained how they are just friends but he wanted more. Yes the were having sex and it was good. He even told me he was mostly top. I tried to assert I was interested but he was to hung up on “I Don't Know” that is quite a significant phrase by the way. When I asked “i don know” name Mike, my new friend, said Josh I retorted with wow not only dose he look like my ex but same name. Then he said “no no his name is Aron sorry got my Jews confused.” I laughed so hard I almost fell of the stool. Dawane was having a merry time talking to some guy he just met and Aron was talking to the chocolate Yoda.

So Mike Funny, Masculine, has body hair, a decent hight, and a top. What was the problem Aron of course. I could not see myself trying to chase after a guy who is chasing something he cant have. It would appear its a trap decent gay men get ensnared in quite frequently. I too have been their more than once. I put my self out there and Aron saw it. I knew right away Aron would never go for Mike. Aron wanted to see Mike move on. I then became the center of attention as Aron and Yoda joined me and Mike's conversation. Aron was into Yoda but Yoda was to drunk to notice. By the way I am on my third Kamikaze.

I looked over to notice Dawane walking of with his new friend about five minutes later Aron walks away. I am sitting her holding court pretty much. I was talking for a good while that I was not going to get anything out of Mike and I should return to my real friends up stares.

I was now fully drunk and did not care. I was moving my hips shaking my ass and content that I was doing it by my self. Then Dawane finds me and starts dancing with me. Before I knew it I was of the ground and bobbing up and down. My face had to have an expression of death. Not only did my best friend stop dancing and get ready to kick ass but the bouncer started in as well. He put me down but my pack of smokes was never the same.

Like always around 2:00 their was a moment of mutual boredom and we decided to cut out. I learned a lot that night about myself and others but thats my next blog because this one is mad long.

(I know there are technical errors in this but thats cuse I said fuck it)