Tabu Lounge & The Waiter

My two new friends and I got really busy doing our own things, Ivan was dealing with his stuff, Icon was planning events and I was dealing with my trifecta, Work, School, Men.

Soon my work schedule stabilized and Icon, Ivan and I were hanging out more, our favorite spot became Tabu Sports Lounge.

One night when hanging out with Icon he showed the Bartender his ID and the price dropped from 4.50 for his City Wide to 3 something. That is when he explained the Industry discount and ever since I got my sticker it has been or default.

Tabu had been one of my spots ever since I found out I dated the manager Adam. During my stent living in Jersey whenever I came to Philly I would stop buy and if he was not working he would by me a drink and we would catch up. I got to know a lot of the people that worked there. Adam then moved away and I had no real reason to stop by until one of the guys from Pita Pit started working as a bar back. To support him I would stop by from time to time and have a drink.

Then Ivan saw the place and fell for it, and before I knew it, it was the preferred spot in the Gayborhood over Woody’s. Lots of memories were made in Tabu, some involving, Raymone and a few others.  

There was a night when I was hanging with the guys and I pointed a few people out to them, there was my favorite bar back, the new bar back my friend, the bartender who I could not help but flirt with, and a waiter whom I had heard things about from Adam when he worked there.

That same night the waiter walked over to us and over herd me talking about how I used to be a house wife. He smiled and shot me a look of interest. Hard to believe there are some gay men out there who want that 50’s life but with a man. I was kind of flatted when he asked, “What’s wrong with that?” I always thought he was cute.

A few nights later he came over and started talking to Icon about his upcoming reggae night. Icon told him about some of his parties, the most recent being Dassit, the electro soul funk party where he performed. The two exchanged numbers and I pretended to be angry, we just laughed.

As we frequented Tabu more and more we bumped into him more and one night I decided to take his number from icon and put an end to the madness.  The thing was he came off as totally straight and I was attracted to him, and in cases such as these they always turn out to be straight.

I sent him a polite text saying hi and the conversation ensued.  I eventually did ask what his deal was and he asked why. I figured what is the worst that could happen. I told him that I thought he was hot but didn’t want to mess up what could be a friendship if he was not into me like that. He never did answer my question but it was insinuated he might go for guys.

Later there was a comment about a white horse and a few other things that sent me into a state of confusion. I had walked away from the first conversation thinking he was not into me, and the second conversation left me thinking he liked white guys, but there was a white horse in the room and the other comments are just to Taboo to mention.   

Dating 101

I think enough time has passed since the break up. To prepare myself for the big world of dating again I decided I would take an almost scientific approach. One day while browsing through books in my second favorite bookstore, I saw a book that was on my list, Boyfriend 101.

I had just read Sex and the City, and decided that I was in fact a lot like Carrie and MeTo was such a Mr. Big. I needed to fix that. So I decided to take what I would learn in the book and apply it to my dating life. The book, although a little dated, was full of useful advice. The best pieces of advice were the sections on predating and how to act on the first few dates.

I am a bit of an open book, so I tend to just let conversations flow without filtering the information that might scare some people off.  It was kind of funny that in a matter of a week I went from the spastic book version of Carrie to the TV version of Charlotte, I was a rules boy.

Ivan was afraid that if I started dating I would have less time for friends and I assured him that would not be the case. To be honest I would need my friends more than ever now. I would need feedback and advice on whether or not certain guys were worth pursuing.  

One night over drinks I explained some of my new rules for dating based on the book and while at first they laughed they soon realized it made since. So I decided to test it.

I went to a4a and tweaked my profile and got a few guys in line to predate. One of which was Matthew.

Matthew and I met for coffee at my old Starbucks and I immediately noticed his smile. A heavy set guy but it was evident he took good care of himself. After I grabbed my triple, 5 pump, soy, peppermint mocha, we went for a walk and talk.  It would seem that a walk and talk is the best kind of predate.

We ended up in same branch of my second favorite book store where I bought the book, and stood in a random section and talked about what made us, us. He was going to leave the country for two years in March to help a third world country. So I thought this was perfect, this guy would be experiment guy, I would use him to tweak my dating skills.

The good thing about the experiment guy and the fact you never tell them you read a book on dating is that they don’t know you made a dating Faux Pas. For example: one should never discuss the issues they have with their parents, one should avoid talking about exes and predates should remain short and sweet.

Remember how I said I am an open book and I just let the conversation flow? Well before I knew it I mentioned MeTo, how I don’t talk to my mother which then required an explanation and we spent maybe 2 hours in that store.  But he was sweet and cute, every time he smiled my toes wanted to curl, his personality was so attractive I could not help myself.

Soon it was time for him to go and we walked out together and promised we would hangout again, “Hangout?” I did not want a buddy to hang out with, I wanted a guy that I could date and eventually have sex with. But I like they say there are plenty of fish in the sea and I had another predate already scheduled with a guy named Don.

How Lucky Was It?

On a rainy day I went to school, it was a typically day and during class Ivan sent me a text to tell me he just found out the Femme Fatale tour dvd was out at Target. Ivan being the hardcore Britney fan that he is was disappointed that he did not put the event on his calendar. I sent him a text back saying I would go with him if he waited until I got out of class. He picked me up from school and we went to Target.

On the ride over he told me he also had to stop at a Coin Star to turn his loose change into cash. Lucky for him the Super Fresh across the street from Target had a machine. It was a typical Vixc B and Ivan outing. We made jokes and Laughed at the dumbest things. We argued only to realize we were arguing the same point.

After going to target we deposited my check and then we hit up the coin star and when all was said and done Ivan was on his way to customer service to get 8 dollars and 88 cents. He was extremely thrilled at the number. He acclaimed it was a sigh something lucky was going to happen. We went back to his place and he could not wait to watch Britney. I was just about to head out after a few songs because I needed to find a second job. My hours at Serafina were not enough to pay my new rent and I refused to ask for my job back at Starbucks.

Just after I explained to Ivan what I had planned for the rest of my day, my phone rang. It was one of the managers at my job asking when I was going to come in for training. I was training to be the second night baker there was only one meaning he had to work every night and he was going to be off Saturday night. So I scheduled two nights of training and that was that. Then I got a text that one of the barista's quit and they were not hiring a replacement. I now no longer needed a second job. I turn to Ivan and told him what happened. I the exclaimed, “It's 888.” he laughed and pointed out that it was his 888 and my new fortune had nothing to do with him.

We decided to watch some more of the concert before Ivan had to go to work. I decided to go along for the ride. The plan was to tag along while Ivan went tanning then we would walk to Starbucks together and part ways after I got a drink.

It was pouring and the gas station was crowded so Ivan decided to just go to the gas station near the tanning salon. While waiting for the light at 20^th and Arch street Ivan's car mad a strange sound, then it gave a shutter and then nothing, out of gas. He looked at me, “Oh my gaud, what do I do?” I suggested calling AAA but he didn't have it. So we decided to just walk to the gas station, get a gas can and enough gas to fill the can then get gas at the gas station.

Now mind you it is poring out and Ivan is about to be late for work. We decided he would stay with his car and I took his card to get the gas, this way if a cop came to the care he would be able to give all the proper information. Poor kid started freaking out when all the cars started beeping, after all it was the middle of rush hour in the rain.

The guys at the gas station moved slower than molasses in February, but I got the can and gas and got back to Ivan. At this point I am soaked and the can way more complicated than we both thought it would be. The spout had three different pieces and it had been years since I even looked at a gas can yet alone used one but we did our best, two gay guys who's idea of performing maintenance is calling dad or a professional.

We eventually got enough gas in the car for it to start, we have no idea how much got waisted. Ivan decided to still go tanning before work after we got gas. A good hand washing later and a few pages in my book he was done and we headed to Starbucks.

On the way I mentioned 888 and he shot me a look of death and asked how he was lucky and I simply said, “You could have had to deal with it on your own.”  

A Friendly Evolution

The cool thing about many gays is that we always want to belong to a group. Not so much an exclusive group just a group that we can say we belong to. A group full of people that get along and enjoy many of the same things. I guess you can all it a Clique minus that petty high school bull shit.

The coolest thing in my life I would have to say is my group of friends. Many of which I have written about in the past. The thing about groups of friends is that they evolve and sometimes change. As you grow you will notice this to be a sometimes sad truth.

They say if you can count more than one good friend you are truly blessed and I must admit that I am highly blessed. I still have my friends Jaiye, Phil, and RJ but for the past six months there have been some new major players in my life. There are two people that keep my grounded and encourage personal growth and development in ways that I thought only Jaiye would ever do.

I met Icon and Ivan while working at Starbucks. They were a dynamic duo and invited me to hang out one night and the rest was history. Ivan and I would argue and disagree to such a degree one would think fist would be thrown but instead we would look at each other and decide to just drop it and move onto laughing. Icon was impressed and loved the fact that he had two totally different friends who enjoyed each other's differences.

Icon is the sweetheart, one of the sweetest people anyone could ever meet. He keeps the peace without trying and has a style that is so unique that people cant help but to notice him and tell him how great he looks. To be honest he is 6'5 and if you got something negative to say you most likely will just keep it to yourself. I like to call Icon Mama. He carries a hug bag with all the stuff he needs and has the demeanor of someone's grandmother, loving yet stern.

Ivan is from the Lehigh Valley and is extremely different from Icon and I. If you had to pick a category for each of our style Icon would be 90's R&B, Ivan very new millennium Frat boy, and I would be 80's rock. Ivan has very strict rules for himself and does a great job of balancing that with not being to judgmental of others.

While Icon is hopeful of finding love, Ivan doesn't want to even think about falling until he is at least 30 and I am simply looking for a good time while I waiting for the right guy to come along in the right circumstance.

Then of course there is Jaiye who is settled down with his boyfriend in south Philly. Phil continues to work his ass off at school and work and remains unseen. RJ is still RJ and going to school for cosmetology.

The others are now just after thoughts and have become not so important. But having five friends who I consider best friends is more than amazing and I have made so many memories some of which you will read in the near future.   

J.R and The Winner

Some men I just don't get, big talkers and gamers are the worse. During my stint with J.R. I ended up leaving my Favorite Belt, a pair of shorts, and an earing over his house, we even had a spare set of keys made so that if I got locked out my apartment I would just go to his job or call him so I could get into my apartment.

Well right after I decided to leave him a lone for awhile I got got text one day telling me he lost his job. Being the good person that I am I tried calling and texting him. He would never pick up and he rarely responded to text. This was new and odd considering before he would answer on the first ring or text me right back if did not answer.

Then the day came when I was locked out and as planned I called him for my keys. It was important because I had to work the morning shift the next day. He would not answer his phone. I decided that I would go to his apartment and bang on his door. I had to call a dozen times in the process. I then went to his favorite spots to see if anyone had seen him. No one saw him all night. When I went back to his apartment I noticed that all the lights were now off with the exception of one.

I could tell the dogs herd the bell because every time I rang it they would go crazy with barking. Obviously he was home when I first stopped by and this time he was not, so I continued to call. He finally called me back and told me he was in bed and had an interview the next day. I explained the situation and he told me that in the process of getting fired and cleaning out his desk he left my keys. I asked why and he stopped himself when began to say he didn't care, Ouch. I went to Ivan's house, I sent text to all my supervisors explaining the situation and crashed there.

Latter the next day I got a text from J.R. Saying he looked all over his apartment and could not find the keys, when I asked about the interview I got no response.

The Saturday before the aids walk I was still locked out and my roommates being who they are chose not to help me. So I went to the Belgum Cafe for my favorite fries and vegan wings. There I bumped into a few of J.R.'s friends and when he walked in I could tell he was avoiding me, he kept his back to me and went to the bathroom. I got my food and left.

I got to Phil's and sent J.R. a text. He responded saying he cared and all that bull shit, then he told me he started seeing someone else. I wanted to see him in person to talk but he then told me he was on his way to the new guys house to have sex because he needed sex.

I bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked three. The next week it was hell, I could hardly eat, and threw most of that up. I smoked unlike ever before and soon I was drinking heavily to top it all off.

As time passed I felt better and tried the whole friend thing and J.R, but 99% of the time he just ignored me as best he could. You would think he would offer closure or the shit that he was holding hostage at his apartment. Its one thing to fuck with a gay man's heart and totally different thing to fuck with his wardrobe.

The funny thing was JR was about to have his 30^th birthday and I had agreed to do his cake and as the event approached I herd nothing but I did get an invite. The day of his actual birthday I had to stop by Ivan's to pick something up which meant I had to pass Belgum Cafe, so I stopped in to say Happy Birthday. He was all aglow and honestly looked happy to see me I told him I was unsure if I was going to the party.

After hanging out with the new thug in my life we made plans to go dressed to the nines.

The day of the party I went shopping got a new outfit and did my hair. I then got a message that my thug was not coming and I had already responded yes to the invite. At the party I got no hi or anything even when I tried to say happy birthday. So I spent time with his friends who told how he acts more like a princess now and I just felt great about me. Considering the outfit I was wearing I still looked like a boy and I was hot. He was wearing an outfit I seen several times before.

I met up with Icon and got drunker. The bartender at the party kept giving me doubles for the price of a single so I was already quite tipsy. I went to my new apartment around 1 and passed out.

A few days latter I began getting word that, “I won.” I asked Ivan what he meant and he told me that I had a social life, a job I liked, friends who liked me, and I was dating and having fun. Then I asked the girl who used to be my BFF and she said the same thing plus I was way better looking and she added how his friends all still liked me.

The news put me on cloud nine, however there is just one major issue, my shorts and belt. Everyone liked those shorts and the belt has memories and JR lives around the corner from Ivan. I still get his foursquare and I text him once in a blue moon and he doesn't respond but he is a looser and I am a winner.  

Is It Just Sex?

In advertising sex sells, in humor sex jokes get the biggest laughs and in magazines sex articles are the most read. People like sex; we like to do it, read about it, watch it, laugh at it, and talk about it. Just think about it, how many times a day is something said that makes you think about sex? More often than not they are juvenile thoughts and major stretches you make to make something that has nothing to do with sex sound like it dose.

Recently I have taken it upon myself to do a little research into the world of sex facts and it is no surprise that the list is extensive. From facts about men, semen and their sex drive, women, sex organs, all the way to medieval stories about sex that have been recently changed into more appropriate Disney movies.

Some of the most interesting facts that I have found people to be more interested in are the ones not so much about sex organs but sexual fluids, semen to be more specific. There has been a long sexual debate about what to do with the stuff when performing Fellatio. I was shocked to find that the most common response is to swallow; this is by both guys and girls. (Source) I searched high and low to see if I could find a message board or poll that had the opposite view and all of them said the best thing to do is to swallow it. Many people even went on to describe it as simply warm liquid and that it should not be so difficult to do. I found it simply fascinating. I then decided to take a poll of my own and was shocked that almost all of my friends agree that swallow is done by an extremely high percentage of my friends.

A few more interesting semen facts, most men can shoot an easy ten feet, but one guy broke the record by shooting 18 feet he holds all the records as of now with greatest height, velocity and I would imagine amount. I could only imagine that to get hit with something like that at close range would hurt, so he has no choice but to pull out.  The oldest dad was 90 at the time, giving hope to us youngsters that you can still have a sex life well into our geriatric years because at age 73 most men are still potent and thanks to Viagra and Calis testing this theory is all the easier. 

To find sex facts are quite easy and they typically are the same from one web site to the next. Like when I was looking for the nutritional information for seamen. This is a fun one for everyone. While we know it is high in protein it also contains fructose a type of sugar, Water, Ascorbic acid (a.k.a., vitamin C), Citric acid, Enzymes, Protein, Phosphate and bicarbonate buffers, Zinc, and is a low calorie food at only about 6 calories per teaspoon. So you have even more reason to swallow.

Another group of attention-grabbing sex facts are pertaining to male endowments. Everyone wants to know what is the biggest, what is the smallest, and why is the average so small? I am happy to say I can answer them all. The smallest recorded was 1cm erect. Now how that counts I am not sure but it does and who did this recording is up in the air but this seems to be the confirmed smallest. I can tell you that the reason for this was a medical condition.  There are two that exist; there is micropenis where most of the penis resides inside the body and congenital hypoplasia, where the glands better known as the head, is attached directly to the pubis.

The largest penis ever recorded measured 13.5 inches long. This has happened twice in modern history once in the early 20^th century and again at the end. Many of you might have herd of Private Dicks, an HBO special, that’s where this giant wonder hit the little screen back in 1999. I have not seen this special but it is all over the internet. The owner is unemployed and refuses to do porn; he has self respect, go figure. I have also not been able to find any pictures of it either so that’s the big and small of it.

Did you know that of all the primates Men have the largest penises? One would think the largest primate would have the largest penis but that’s not so. And while we are speaking of records you will be shocked to know that the largest baby ever born was done naturally without an epidural, the baby weighed in at 26 pounds with a head diameter of 6 inches or 15 cm meaning mom had the largest vagina and at 7 foot 8 it makes since. Most women are lucky if they dilate the full 10cm but this woman did it and went on to do an extra five. The baby however did not survive, 15cm was still a little small and it took work at both ends to get him out.

As far as records goes in regards to sex the list goes on and on. There is the, largest orgy, the most orgasms, or a quite interesting one, the longest some guy took to take care of himself (masturbated). Yeah believe it or not there is a contest for this, the one who holds out the longest is the winner and this guy held out for 9 hours and 58 minutes, one would think with that control he could have held out a little longer to make it an even 10 but I guess he is saving himself for the next go around. 

While people love to hear, talk, and joke about sex, they enjoy the act just as much and the most partners for a man in one hour was 52, he was supposed to have 101 but he got around to the rest two weeks later.  While men are known for wanting sex 24/7 based upon how often they get erections, on average 11 while awake and 9 at night, women are capable of having more partners in one day. One woman had 919 guys in one day. When we check out the most orgasms in an hour a woman had 134 and the man only 19. And you know the longer you go the longer it takes.

Men however prove to be more willing to go to great lengths for sex than women. 56% of men admit to have had sex at work; men are most likely to be the ones tied up during sex, and men are less shameful in their sexual endeavors. 60% percent of men admit to masturbation and while only 1 out of a 1000 men can perform Fellatio on themselves many more have tried.

So know that you know a lot more about sex and men than many of your friends here is a few tips to make your sex lives a little better. Men are easily aroused so if a simple kiss or genital rub is not enough to get things going try one of the following. The sent of lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, and pumpkin pie all increase blood flow to the penis. Apple pie causes arousal. Men are territorial and most modern men still enjoy marking territory, they do this by having sex so change the scene.

Remember that this is in fact a gay blog and most sex records involve Heterosexual acts. So if you know of some gay records let me know so I can write Gay Sex Facts.

Go For It! Always?

Men come into your life constantly with promises of sweeping you off your feet and putting you on a pedestal but do noting to show you how much your worth. But the moment you seem disinterested, or interested in another they find the need to declare their love for you or how much they want you.

When you love a person or are interested in a person its simple, don't tell them show them. The other day someone proved to me that they knew when I was excited about something, they had saw me excited one time and was able to tell me how I acted and sounded. If was not sitting down already I would have fallen to the floor. I was shocked that they noticed. Why is it that someone who was not trying to sweep me off my feet or trying to get me to be theirs would remember something about me with such great detail, while the men who claim they want me could not?

All my life I feel I have always tried to chase after the men who supposedly were chasing after me, but in reality I was just wasting my time. Why do we do that? Why do we fall for the words without seeing it put into action first? If a guy says he is interested but only treats you as a friend then we should take it for face value. I had a teacher who always reminded my class that, actions speak louder than words. Maya Angelou said that if a person shows you who they are, or tells you, then we should believe them. Much to often we think we can change a person or that “love” will bring out the best in them and make them change.

The heart is an amazing organ capable of feeling things that not even our brains can comprehend. We allow it so often to operate on its own only to look back and see that we should have been protecting it when the wrong person was trying to steal it. We then go into over protection mode when someone who is genuine is trying to give us theirs. More often than not we fail to see the signs until its to late.

All our life we hear people telling us that life is to short, live it up, “carpe diem,” but how often do we honestly take such wisdom to heart. It would really seem that when it comes to matters of the heart that we are a little backwards. We listen when we should watch, listen when we should feel. It almost always happens that after we have a broken heart we tell ourselves, “I should have saw this coming,” or “i should have known when he said. . .”

With the parade of men that I have spoken about in the past there are a select few who have more in common than any others. All the ones who I should have steered clear of? Sure they showed me a good time and then told me how much they liked me, how different I was, how sexy, smart, and how much they wanted me. In the end it always came down to the same thing, they were not ready for a relationship, life was to crazy to get involved, afraid they were going to hurt me. I simply do not get it, why give a speech declaring how much you want someone if you are not going to peruse it? Why take someone on a date, have fun only to turn around and say, “You are what I have been searching for, but I am not ready.” that’s like going on a gold hunt, finding gold and leaving it behind because you're not ready to be a millionaire.

Why go on a search for something only to leave it behind?

New Gay Socialite

I have a goal to become friends with 1000 people on Facebook and not just random people, Gays. I want to expand my network to include at least 500 gay men in the greater Philadelphia area. By doing such I will promote myself and rise up in the gay scene and become know as a classy fun down to earth gay male. I want to be a role model. The point to all of this is simple I am a social person and I would like to be one of the who’s who and then I will start with New York.

Unlike many other gays I will not use whatever “power” I have to make myself feel better but in turn try to bring others up as well if they so wish. How cool would that be to be able to send someone a message and they try to help you become a socialite as well.

So I know it’s a long shot but think about it. There are too many rich gays out there that are simply selfish, why would anyone aspire to that? Yes I want to be rich, sexy, well known, but I also want people to love me, NOT fear me. I want to have parties and invite everyone; I want to be invited to every party because I am fun and not a fan of the drama. Ah VixcB the peace keeper, that is me.

So to all my readers hit me up and tell your friends to read this blog. Soon I will be back on youtube.com

It's Just Cheating

Cheating, it is a touchy subject that every relationship has to deal with in one of many ways. Gays tend to have the odds against them and have tried to deal with it as best we can. There are open relationships, forgiven constant infidelity, or rules set in place so that if someone is unfaithful there is a realm in which forgiveness must be granted.

Infidelity is typically discussed at some point in any relationship to let both parties know that they have gotten to the point of exclusivity. What defines cheating is how we define being exclusive. Some think of sex as a non essential in a relationship, some will say, “define the sex and you define the relationship” while others say it is all about how you look at sex. There is also the cop out of saying, you make love to your partner and have sex with everyone else.

I am not here to tell you what is or is not cheating just to tell you that cheating is not always about sex. And you would be shocked at how people can cheat.

Cheating, as the majority sees it, occurs when ever a person who is involved with another person emotionally and physically and has agreed that they share an exclusive bond. Then that person goes to another person for something that is supposed to be filled exclusively by that exclusive bond. I know how Webster of me.

According to this definition flirting, kissing, dirty dancing, romantic gifts, sex in all forms, and deep emotional conversations can be construed as cheating if they are part of you exclusive bond. However the only two people that can determine which are exclusive and which are not are the parties involved.

Sometimes a relationship is strictly emotional and the act of having sex with other partners does not infringe upon that, if said sex remains emotionless and animalistic. Typically cheating hits home on almost all levels weather you are gay or straight, when emotions are involved.  Sex is just sex, a kiss is just a kiss, and dancing is just dancing. How do you know when it is more, the unfortunate part is the only person who ever really knows is the person doing the cheating and sometimes the person they are cheating with.

Emotional cheating is the reality of knowing it was honestly a onetime thing, but in your heart and mind you allow it to repeat with the hope that it could happen again. Your heart races when you think about their touch and you smile when you think about how the act made you feel. Not to say if this defines cheating but when things get emotional that is when they typically get dangerous.

As odd as it may seem, at some point your partner and you need to talk this all out so that there are no surprises. And even still while sex may be the hard defined line of cheating in most relationships and others may be included, those that are not defined as line crossing may fall into a grey area and that is when you have to define what is unacceptable for you to do.

Cheating can also happen on a personal level, many of us set boundaries for ourselves. We make personal promises and swear we will never do such and such in hopes that it will prevent an unpleasant situation.  I think this is the best way to prevent cheating. If you cheat in a relationship and things end, the blame can be interpreted in many ways, but if you go out of the personal boundaries you set for yourself then you have no one to blame except you. So think about you and the man of your dreams. What would you say is ok for him to do, then apply that to yourself? Think about it, if you prepare yourself to treat him as you want to be treated then the ground rules are already set and cheating will really be cheating. No grey area to be interpreted.

Heteronormatives - It Boils Down.

When it comes to men cohabitating I think it’s simple, wait. Moving in right away is almost never good for any relationship. Make sure you know and understand your partners rhythm before you move in. discuss how you clean and keep things. Discuss the importance in time apart and morning and evening habits. It’s great if you can spend random weeknights and weekends together this will help. But note if you fight about how the other treats your stuff and keeps his place, fix it before you move in. also it’s a good idea to make sure you are equally invested in your home and that you BOTH think of it as home. If one is constantly trying to make it a home and the other just sees it a place there will be issues. If one owns and the other is just there, there might be resentment.

I am talking from experience and having talked to friends who have dealt with all the included issues mentioned in this series I know that men can live together if the proper precautions are taken.

I like my space, my independence, I make no exceptions to my rules, and my clothes are mine and mine alone I do not share. My computer is mine it contains my life and that is sacred. My cooking instruments and cookbooks are just as sacred. These things are mine and I do not share them they are what make me happy and if am asked to share and I say no everyone should understand and if they don’t like it, you can deal with it or not deal with me.

It is important to have separate identities in a relationship, when one attaches to the other and EVERYTHING is shared then the sex dwindles, cheating occurs, and the relationship collapses.

I am no expert in inner working of all gay relationships I learn via trial and error, surveying friends, and even a little research via the web and books. So takes this advice knowing that there are exceptions to every rule because all people are different and a relationships dynamic can change at any moment.  

Heteronormatives - Its Dynamic

The difference between a bottom and a woman is it is far simpler to figure out how to please a bottom and it is easier to keep him happy. A bottom will tell you what makes him happy and how you should do it, the bottom will tell you how the house should be cleaned, he will tell you what presents he wants, his favorite color, his favorite sexual position. A bottom will tell you several times until, time is up and he is fed up, the bottom is tired of talking to someone who doesn’t listen. When the bottom knows everything about you and you are still learning that’s when the red flags has been raised. When you know for a fact you are not doing what is being asked of you, red flag. When you are not getting laid on a regular basis, it’s a red flag. When the bottom just doesn’t seem to care about your feelings, you might want to throw in the towel.

How can you fix this? Well start doing what is asked of you, a bottom will return in kind?  If the bottom ask you to put things back a certain way, he will clean the house. When cohabitating it is tit for tat and his tat is dependent on your tit.

Bottoms run the show and there is nothing anyone can do to change it as Phil said it’s a hetero-normative.  I find it interesting how a Top will act like he runs the show and when sex starts dwindling wonder why. If you are a top and you are in the role of “the Male” meaning you have assumed the masculine roll you must remember you are still dating a man, men like space, independence, respect, and signs that they are loved. Paying the bills don’t count, showing them that you listen and respect will get you major points and a bottom who has a man who shows he is not perfect but tries will always have a loyal bottom.

Heteronormatives - Sex

You can tell a lot about a relationship by how often two people are intimate. If there is lots of sex going on then things are going great or there is one happy bottom. When things are bad then there should be fear in the relationship.

I recently met a couple that has not had sex in three weeks. They were beginning to feel like roommates versus lovers. Among gays there are what can be called hetero-normatives, things such as the bottom representing the feminine and the top representing the masculine.

The bottom role is typically that which we associate with the woman in heterosexual relationships. The bottom is the one who associates sex with love and closeness while the top just likes the act all in itself. The bottom has to invest more into the sexual act because so much is required on their part, cleaning, moisturizing, trust, internal work.

Sex is easier for some bottoms than others, but there is always work involved. A total bottom has to make accommodations for something that is not very easy, turning a one way street into a two way highway. There is mussel retraining and flexing and forcing the body to go against normal impulses. This for many bottoms while enjoyable can be hard work and laying there is not JUST lying there. Then just when one has adjusted to the very basic of the act there tricks that now must be learned such as applying what we learned to different  positions. A top just has to thrust and get as much friction so that he may cum. While a bottom has to balance, muscle work, ignoring reflexes, pleasing his top and trying to get pleasure his self. It’s a lot of work to do when you are NOT in the mood.

Recently I was part of a conversation where some secrets were tossed to Mr. MeTo about the dynamics of a hetero-normative relationship.

The bottom runs the show, a pissed bottom gives no sex, and happy bottom can’t get enough sex. The happier the bottom the more sex the top will get. It is simple math and it would seem the more masculine the top the less they seem to want to try and fix it.

Heteronormatives - P1

Over the years I have talked too many of my gay male friends about failed relationships and it would seem that moving in together is a real game changer. It is one of the things that proves to be completely different among gay men than heterosexual couples and lesbians. Lesbians are known for moving fast and cohabitating together relatively well. Heterosexuals it’s typically a 50/50 chance that it will work or fail. It leaves one to believe that the problem lies with men in general.

Men are by nature territorial, we like our own everything we share only with those we deem worthy and many times it comes with stipulations. For example a man will allow his friends to come to his house and watch the game but they have to be out at a certain time and they can only touch certain things. Women tend to be more ready to share completely. They will share clothes, makeup, beauty products, or even allow a friend to crash a few days. (Don’t worry I understand there are exceptions to every rule and generalization.)

  

Men are less willing to share any garment of clothing. We may share with our son or some other person we feel we have a responsibility to protect but as for the independent we want to share nothing more than time and maybe a good conversation.

Things get strange among gay men. We share with our best buds long before we share with anyone else. We understand the necessity in sharing and that the day will come when we need to borrow and so in all actuality it is selfish. My friend Phil and I are willing to share but we are both hesitant to actually borrow from one another not that we are scared but because we understand the strings that come attached. If I borrow from Phil I will have to worry about messing up whatever I borrow and if I do mess it up it must be replaced, there is no such thing as worry free borrowing among gay men.

When it comes to the point where everything is shared it doesn’t matter who we are sharing with, our territory is no longer our own and that infringes on how we identify ourselves. As I said before men only share certain things.

I will not share my cookbooks, my laptop, or my clothes, these are the thing I uses to identify and express myself, however when living with someone clothes get shared and boundaries are crossed all the time by accident.

I like my whites to stay white but in a relationship where the other person doesn’t care about such things it can get stressful. So how does one overcome the woes of cohabitation? How do you get two territorial males who are unwilling to share everything to happily get along? Is it possible for two extreme opposites to agree on living situations happily? If I had these answers I would share them with you.  

The difference between a bottom and a woman is it is far simpler to figure out how to please a bottom and it is easier to keep him happy. A bottom will tell you what makes him happy and how you should do it, the bottom will tell you how the house should be cleaned, he will tell you what presents he wants, his favorite color, his favorite sexual position. A bottom will tell you several times until time is up and the bottom is tired of talking to someone who doesn’t listen. When the bottom knows everything about you and you are still learning that’s when red flags should be raised. When you know for a fact you are not doing what is being asked of you, red flag. When you are not getting laid on a regular basis, it’s a red flag. When the bottom just dosent seems to care about your feelings, you might want to throw in the towel.

How can you fix this well start doing what is asked of you, a bottom will return in kind?  If the bottom ask you to put things back a certain way, he will clean the house. When cohabitating it is tit for tat and his tat is dependent on your tit.

Bottoms run the show and there is nothing anyone can do to change it as Phil said it’s a hetero-normative.  I find it interesting how a Top will act like he runs the show and when sex dwindles wonders why. If you are a top and you are in the role of “the Male” meaning you pay the bills and provide all the basics you must remember you are still dating a man, men like space, independence, respect, and signs that they are loved. Paying the bills don’t count, showing them that you listen and respect will get you major points and a bottom who has a man who shows he is not perfect but tries will always have a loyal bottom.

The Ex File

There is nothing more exhilarating then when you wake up and find you are in a new relationship. Everything is new and the smallest of things can give you butterflies. Going to the movies seem like a new adventure. Dinner, the mall, flowers even the club all seem to be new and different places. You find yourself day dreaming where it might go. You try not to make it obvious that you want this to be your last relationship. All the while you are just happy and things are great.

That is until one tiny thought crosses your mind, the ex. Weather he is in a different state or same state they always find away to work their way into your relationship. Now you are faced with questions. Am I ready? Will my ex and I work things out, are we destined to be friends, will I make the same mistakes, is this guy just like the last one? They now consume you and if you’re lucky you call your friends and they all remind you how bad things were and how great things are now.

Why do our exes have so much power in our lives? Like a dessert that is really bad for you but tasted so good it sticks with you long after you have moved on to more healthy things.

I don’t know any relationship that has not dealt with the Ex files. The major question is, what do we do when the Ex File is placed on our desk to deal with, what is the best way to close the case?

The 2011 Holiday Season

For years I have longed to be on my own and form my own traditions. I never wanted to cut my family out of my life I just wanted to be on my own and have first and final say when it came to my life. As the years past and I got older life just seemed to become more and more mundane there was less and less I could look forward to. I used to get so excited when the holidays rolled around. I would get to see all my cousins, and my aunts and uncles and many years even my father. It was great, a day full of people who loved each other. There was gift giving, and eating but my favorite part was the laughs.

So much of the year was broken promises and next to no surprises that were good but come Christmas running down stairs to see what gifts my sister and I got was never a letdown. As I got older I got to experience the excitement  of going shopping for those I loved and the joy of watching them rip into their present to see the gift that I got for them. It meant more to me to give an appreciated present than to get one. I loved it when my mom and sister gave me a gift they were excited about. It never mattered what they gave just that they were excited to give me something. That look of anticipation on their faces. It meant the world to me and I enjoyed returning the same.

As I got older the presents became less and less and before long my mother didn’t even bother asking my sister and me what we wanted. My aunts and uncle stopped buying all their nieces and nephews presents. My cousins would decide to show some years and not others. Then my uncle began playing favorites and would only buy two of his four nieces presents. No one got excited for the holidays any more.  I would try to build up hype but it was always shot down with disappointment.

There were some years that my mom and grandmother didn’t feel like decorating. My sister and I would pull everything from my mom’s attic and I would do most of the decorating. It became depressing.

The year finally came that I had my own place. I was excited because it was all mine and I could decorate as I saw fit. I bought the best I could afford which was not that great but it was mine. I then got people at my new job excited and we decorated, it then became tradition for me to come in during the weekend and make it look all special. It was always appreciated. That year my job was the one who made my Christmas special and to this day I remember it fondly. My family on the other hand was boring. It would appear that as I got older my mother’s family just lost the love for the season and my father’s family knew the true meaning.

I would rush to my father’s mother’s house and we would tell jokes, I would hear stories of Christmases before I was born, we would eat a great Christmas feast and if there were presents they got opened but they were never the focus. In this grandparent’s house it was all about being together and sharing the greatest gift of all, love.

I latter went through some trying times and did not get to decorate for two years but I still had Grandma B’s.

Latter I moved in with my boy friend and I showed him my decorating skills. As he is Jewish I decorated the dining room for Hanukkah and I put the tree and other Christmas things in the living room. When Hanukkah was over I changed the dining room to match Christmas. My roommates loved it and my boyfriend’s family enjoyed it to.

This year is kind of said yet again, I am no longer with my Boyfriend and don’t have his family to celebrate with. My Father’s family is all struggling with various things and all my Christmas and Hanukkah stuff is in storage in New Jersey. I was going to get my friends together to make Christmas cookies but that looks like it’s not going to happen.

So this Christmas I am not buying presents and I am not asking for anything. I am just going to see how it all plays out. After all I am planning to become a Jew.

Soulmate - Natasha Bedingfield

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'Cause someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do, you're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Lovable is already in my life?
Right in front of me or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit?
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/n/natasha-bedingfield-lyrics/soulmate-lyrics.html ]
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Oh, somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

It's Just All "Black"

I am not sure how to say what I want to say. I am depressed, have been for awhile and I did a good job of hiding it. I feel like life is fair but I just keep making bad choices. People try to tell me how to fix my life and the advice never seems to work. I can get and keep a decent job, I can go to school and get decent grades but men and apartments are a sad sad state of affairs for me. Tonight I contemplated suicide seriously for the first time since the sixth grade. I have no idea what stopped me, maybe sher exhaustion or the idea that I lack the necessary tools to do so. I have no cleaning supplies, knives, a gun or even medications such as Tylenol or aspirin. I sat in my bathroom wondering, how nice it would be to just run a bath and cut my wrist. I live alone in a shit hole so it would be days before anyone would think to go searching, the sad part is I have no razors and there is no Wawa or Walgreen's or anything of that nature near by.

What brought this all on you may wonder. Well when you have your heart torn to shreds by people like my mother, JR, and even MeTo you get to the point where your are just like “Fuck it.”

I make friends but karma works it out so that at times like these they are unreachable. Every guy I date always get the test and they all fail. Non of them want me as a friend just a Boyfriend or fiancée. How do you have a lasting relationship with someone who would not choose you as a friend? The answer is you cant. The easiest test is if you call things off and they keep you at a distance or shut you out then you know.

I never shut people out, you want in my life its easy just be kind and there for me because thats what I do for you. MeTo claims he wants me back but has made no REAL effort at friendship I feel he is so far away even after I told him how I really feel about us.

There is so much pain and no one is ever there to listen when I NEED to express it. So I go thorough life hiding it making short references in hopes someone may actually take an interest and they is always only ever one, the same one.

I wish I could cry but my eyes refuse to water my throat gets tight and I am forced to deal in other ways, vomiting, stop eating, smoking, excessive drinking, and sometimes sex. I am fully aways what I am doing, having a good time until life gets better or I simply die weatherer by accident or design.  

Happy Thanksgiving

From Vixc B to all my Readers . . .

Love you and I am thankful for you all.

Two Sides of One

Every coin has two sides and it would seem the same holds true for people. When you take a guy like me, at first I seem like this party boy but on the other hand I seem like the perfect homebody.

When I lived with my Fiancée in Jersey I was a doting house husband. I got pleasure out of cooking, cleaning, crocheting, baking, sewing and having get-togethers. However there was a part that was missing, it was a major part that ultimately made me call things off with my fiancée. I was and am a social butterfly, I need to be able to go out and meet new people and have a good time with friends.

Well I moved back to Philly in hopes of becoming the person I once was and before I knew it I realized I was unhappy. While going out on the regular and living like most gay men there was something missing. I could not bake, cook or do any of the other things I liked to do when I was in NJ. It was sad when I realized one day I had the desire to sew something and couldn't because I did not have the room.

So here I am again trying to figure out how to make my life work. This time I know who I am and what I require I just have to get it.  

Vixc-B

It is amazing how quickly you can lose yourself. It is even more amazing when trying to figure out how you want to change you forget who you are and where you come from.

In the past 4 years I have been a lot of different people and lived in a few different places, each guy I date is more different than the last and I have had many different jobs.

When I look back at that 21 year old who just came out of the closet, I am comforted and scared. When I was 21 I swore I would never wear makeup, wear girls clothing, sleep around, or live my life for my man.

Well looks like I broke all my promises. I learned so much in the past few years. I learned how to put makeup on and still look like a boy. I learned how to wear girls clothes and look like a boy. While I have had a few partners no one can really call me a whore. Even when I was with MeTo I didnt really live my life for him but I did make some sacrifices that I should not have made.

Now here I am at 25 and trying to find out, “Who is Vixc B?” the comforting part about this is I have found that every friend I have is friends with me for the same reason, they have told me I am funny, creative, stylish, caring, honest and simply fun to be around. Well not much has changed since 21.

Now I have gained a few skills, Dancing, Crocheting, Cooking, Baking, Style, I know how to throw a hell of a party. I could not do any of the preceding when I came out the closet except maybe dance. In the acquisition of my skills and talents, the places I was in and the people I was with it seemed that I was loosing myself and adjusting to my environment. Well the funny part in all of this, Is that the other day I had the desire to sew something, then to bake something, I thought about sitting down to crochet and I realized that I learned all of the things I learned because when I wanted to learn as I child it was denied to me, now as an adult I had the means to learn and I did it.

The me at 21 was a deprived person, the person I am now is the person I was always ment to be. I am learning how to love me, the past, present, and future. I enjoy learning and I know what I want to learn and I am learning it. I set a plan and things are falling into place. I should relax and stop trying to make things happen because my friends like Vixc B and I like Vixc-B and I have had love and some day a real Man will love Vixc-B Romantically and deeply as someone should be loved.

Now to just quit smoking.