It's Still January

So the year rang in and I spent it with Mr. MeTo, a kiss to begin a Great year. I then came home to get yelled at by my mother who was unhappy that I did not ring in the new year at church, I agreed to make an effort to go to church on Sundays.

My sister decided to not only get her navel pierced but also her tong, she did her best to avoid my mother but while they were working at church my mother noticed her tong and the proverbial shit hit the fan later that night.

Jason started his new job and loves it, as it turns out he and his new boss have a common interest. Things are looking good for jay but he is still on the hunt to find that special guy as well as funds for his Britany Spears ticket. Jay is hoping to kill two birds with one stone.

Phil is still working on getting his label; he and his Mr. K are quite happy with each other. Things are oh so hot and heavy as the two rang in the New Year with far more than just a kiss. It has been romantic playlist and constant phone calls and the two are going strong, unofficially. MR. K has gone back to NYC and decided that once they see how things progress via a long distance relationship, they would then exchange titles.

As the first Friendly social event of the year approaches, the first problem among my friends reared its ugly head. Sometimes when you have an ex turned best friend, there comes a point where you stop introducing him as the ex and as just a friend, to which you later add to important parties, we dated a while back.

It would seem that that little line has been crossed by Phil and Jay but Phil failed to realize it. It took a three-way call of the three of us, to help him see it and that it had already caused some tension for Mr. K. Needless to say, all is once again well among my trio and we did in fact decide we were an official trio and should look into getting a fourth. Sorry Zach not being on our level did not make the cut.

In the same way that Carrie and MR. Big decided to get married, MR. MeTo and I made things official. So at the Obama Party I will be showing off my new boyfriend to all my friends and get final approval from Jay. Mr. MeTo continues to surprise me, it's amazing how someone who claims to be so boring is so interestingly complex.

I have been to church both Sundays this year and have found that I enjoy it, I just have to convince a friend to go with me on second Sundays as my mother and sister will be working in the kitchen those days leaving me to sit alone.

I am still on the search for a job, HUGO Models proved to be scam and the guy who was supposed to be my boss chose not to pay me for services rendered. You live, you learn, I am moving on with my 2009.

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Almost Over

Its funnie how at the very moment you think you are over something or that is it is simply behind you, you do something stupid to bring it back. Today I did something that people only do in movies and TV shows.

I was alone and not feeling like myself emotionally. I wanted someone to talk to and he was the first person to cross my mind. So to avoid doing something stupid I called Jason, who was at work and could not talk. So after sitting for a moment I did it. I called Mr. M. he never answers when I call, I had planned on simply hanging up after I herd the intro to his voice mail, but he answered and I hung up.

I should not be calling this guy but I did. I know what some of you are thinking, I should have called Mr. MeTo but I don’t have a cell phone and my mother’s house dose not have long distance. So with him on my mind I called and hung up. I know the song “why did I ever like you” by Pink has made its way to my number one’s list for the moment and every time I hear it I think of the guy who has no clue on how to treat me.

Why cant I just drop this whole thing? Some say it takes half the time you were dating to get over someone, if that were true I should have been over him over a year ago. But who is to say when our romantic relationship ended and our friendship began.

It was complicated we went from a serious relationship to friends to friends who have sex to fuck buddies who were thinking about dating to what ever the hell we are now. He is more than fine telling me about his relationships and his life but when it comes to me I am just a guy who swings from guy to guy and I like to hear myself speak.

Is it that I want to convince him to see me for the person I am? My friends love me for several reasons and while they are mostly good they also love the side that acts like a bitch. Mr. M says I fake my bitchiness that I continue to try and show a fake me, he points out the worse things about me when we are with people but when its just the two of us he says the nicest things. Why cant I just say, “Fuck You,” and walk away?

When it comes to friends, boyfriends, and family, why cant I just let go and let God? I put myself through torture I get my heart broken and still give them all a second chance. I have no reason to be desperate for any friends I have the best of the best. I continue to think that there is good in everyone and that at some point I will benefit from that good but I am really starting to realize that some people make an active choice to never give there good to certain people.

I choose to be a happy person who lives to have happy times and lean on myself to get through the tough times, I accept help when offered but I never look for it.

To be perfectly honest that ass hole hurt me and refuses to see it, I want an honest hear felt apology, the chance to get more than even or to sit back and watch him get hell and be there to say “Karma is a Bitch.”

I want his heart broken, I want to see him cry. I have hatred for him but at the same time I keep allowing him to get to me.

DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL"Stolen"

We watch the season pull up its own stakes
And catch the last weekend of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced,
Another sun soaked season fades away

You have stolen my heart

Invitation only, grand farewells
Crash the best one, of the best ones
Clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight

You have stolen my heart

And from the ballroom floor we are in celebration
One good stretch before our hibernation
Our dreams assured and we all, will sleep well

You have stolen
You have stolen my heart

I watch you spin around in your highest heels
You are the best one, of the best ones
We all look like we feel

You have stolen my
You have stolen my heart

Not Just Sex

They say sex sells, that it drives the economy. They also say sex has lost all meaning in today's modern society. Why is that? Why do so many people feel the need to objectify such an invasive act? It is not like having your teeth cleaned or getting dressed in the morning before work. It is not like fixing a car or cooking dinner. It is far more complicated and meaningful. It would appear than many of us will put more thought into cooking someone dinner if we know the reward will be sex. Yet we think very little on how special the reward itself is.

If you were to ask your friends which is more fun, masturbating or hot sex, I am fairly certain they would unanimously agree that sex is far better. You man have some friends who like different partners and others who want to be in love and some who don’t care as long as they get it. Sex not only drives the economy via advertisements and family planning products, but it has also changed the way we think and how we act.

If the goal is to orgasm, then why is sex more valued than masturbating?

It would appear that everyone tries to look sexy to someone, we all want to be desired and for a brief second to be a part of someone else's fantasy. Intern we want someone to make some of ours into reality.

Why do people bother with relationships anymore? Is it for the sex and all the other cool stuff is just added bonuses? It would simply explain why so many people find it hard to stay in a relationship, and moreover why 50% of marriages end in divorce. If sex continues to be the driving force behind what we do, then the future is doomed.

Imagine if you literally stopped before doing every activity in your day to link it to how it will increase or diminish the amount of sex you get in your life. Such as driving to work or eating a snack. From cooking yourself dinner to what time you go to bed. Sex doesn’t seam so important now, dose it?

What makes for a successful relationship you may ask. The same old bull shit of common interest and complimentary differences, the ability to surprise the other, the growth and nourishment of love. In times where we are so consumed with sex and how to get it we fail to see that our one night stands, moments with fuck buddies, random one timers and relationships based on sex always leave us feeling more empty than how we were before we were with the other person.

Is there a recipe for the perfect relationship, and if there is where do we get it? How dose one stop a life of sex sex sex and begin working on a recipe for a successful and healthy relationship? If it were easy as baking cookies or a cake even then only one or two writers would have best selling books on the matter, like Pillsbury or Dunkin Hines.

I am not saying that our entire life is spent craving and looking for sex, but I am saying that we many times can miss out on true happiness because we at one time were so blinded by being fixated on one thing.

I once herd that if you truly like someone, the moment that you are about to go all the way, you should put on your pants and leave. I have learned the moment you make it about more than sex is the first moment to a fulfilling life in pursuit of the one.

Slacker

Yesterday I decided to take a bath to get things rolling, I was quite surprised to find that, that one little moment set the tine for the entire day. I decided to watch a movie after my bath and that led me to wanting to do nothing even more.

I typically turn a bath day into a spa day, but not yesterday. It was truly a lazy day, a day of watching movies and non stop eating. Trust me when you’re my size a day of non stop eating is a good thing typical it causes me to gain no weight but in my head it works so its all good.

I then got on my computer and figured I would finally make the switch, I stopped talking about Pink City Life and made it all indigo. I then got a IM from Jay and he needed my clippers so I made it up in my mind to go over at a decent hour and take them to him, a decent hour was any hour my mother was home.

Right before my mom got home had gotten out of my slump and began getting dressed and tiding up the house. My goal was to make it out before she got in and if I failed to do so make sure she had no reason to yell. I failed. She came and yelled about the trash cans, the dining room light being on where I was going. She soon changed her tone and became pleasant when she realized should g=could be spending the night home alone. I told her I was dropping something off to a friend and would b back in 15 minutes to do the dishes.

She acted all surprised when I actually came back, it wasn’t in 15 only because the roads were icy but it was a short time. I began on the dishes and she was all lovey dovey.

After doing the dishes I did my hair and watched another movie. I then ate dinner and launched Indigo Life. To my surprise the first official post was a success.

Today Jason stars a new job and I have an interview. Hope all goes well for the both of us. As for my sister she has gone on a 3 day vacation over our aunt’s house which she plans on getting her tong and navel pierced. When my mother sees her Thursday she will freak, and I don’t want to miss it.

Don’t worry I am still working for Mr. New York, just don’t trust him much.

Hello to Indigo

Ok I know I keep droning on and on about it, I am 22 and I am mature for my age. Most people don’t know it about me but my life has not been an all too happy one. I never want pity for the things that have happened to me, it has mad me who I am, and the person I am, people love.

My mom and I don’t see eye to eye on most things like most people and there mothers, yet we adore each other. My sister and I are not your typical siblings. It is quite clear that I would kill and die for my sister; the scary part is I am almost certain she would do the same for me. We love spending time together and hanging out. We agree on very few things but when it comes to fashion, men and shopping we always have good advice for the other.

My friends are another important aspect in my life; Jason Taylor is my best friend, it is funny how in only a few months of hanging out we became so attached to each other. Jay and I have been BFF for only about a year and a half but I feel like we have been friends forever. Then there is Phillip Greway, he was Jason’s boyfriend at the time Jay and I became friends. Phil is a true sweet heart and is one of those guys you just can’t help but love. After hanging out, just the two of us, we realized we had a few things in common and lots to talk about so it was not long before I was calling Phil a BFF. Then there is Louis, every group has an odd ball and while he is barley in my group, he very much an important part of my life. I dated Louis a few months after Jason did. It was a no, no. according to the rules of friendship but Jay gave a chuckle and his blessing. I did not last long as I just could not fall for Louis, weeks later he and I were best buds. Come to find out a week before he and I started dating, he and Phil made out, go figure.

Then there are my friends such as Tia, and Zack. Two people I know thorough Jason, of course, but an outing without one of them just would not be the same. You can call Tia our token Lesbian, A very sexy young woman who is about her money and having a good time with her friends. Then there is Zack I have known the guy almost as long as I have known Jason and yet I can’t tell if the kid wants to be just like Jason of if he just has a crush on him. In time I suspect I will find out for sure.

Then there are my straight friends such as Matt, who is the last of my BFFs. I look to Matt for spiritual guidance and as I have said before is my mother’s favorite of all my best friends. Brenda Sharpe, who is truly my second mother, I will never be able to repay her for all the good she has done, and continues to do in my life. Kim, my former roommate is more like a big sister than anything else. And last but not least My Aunt Lisa, a cool lady loved by all who know her, she and I always got along and we both came out the closet around the same time, it’s thanks to her that I stay true to myself and never give way to the way people say I should be.

These are the people who play major rolls in my life, a life that has good times and bad times. A life peppered with nights at bars and clubs, house parties and get-togethers, nights home along with a good movie or book and Chinese food. Days at work, jobs past and present, days that look dark and days that shine bright with our hopes for the future. These are the people I go to Tom Jones, shopping and joy riding with. These are the people who know all about my Indigo Life.

Why is my life indigo? It’s not my favorite color, and it’s not a color used by a large group of people to describe being, funny or night life. It was a color chosen by one man to describe something truly great, something that is misunderstood by so many people. It is the color Victor Bethea, me, express living a gay life. Pink is too feminine, the rainbow to diverse. Indigo is just right while sometimes mistaken for blue or violet or even purple it is always just indigo.

The color indigo in the modern world has four shades, Electric Indigo, Blue-Violet, Pigment Indigo, and Indigo Dye. Each can be used to describe, not different gay people or different gay lifestyles but the different parts of Gay life. There is the Artsy, the family oriented, the party loving, and the economical.

We all have a part in each shade; we all have experienced a moment that was colored one particular shade of indigo. We all looked at are lives and compared it to that of a heterosexual and have seen how most of it is no different.

The Indigo life, it’s the life I live. I use this Blog to discuses what it is like to live the Indigo Life and throughout my Blogs I will assign different shades of Indigo based on what was going on my life at the time. It is my goal for 2009 to touch on all the issues that not only my friends and I face but all that homosexuals face. I have chosen the color indigo because like homosexuality, indigo is a mistaken color. Many times it is forgotten how important it is in our everyday life, many times it is said to be blue or purple and it truly is not. And while indigo is indigo it is like green and yellow. It can be dark or light, have a slight red or blue added to make it just slightly off from the rest. Indigo is not simply indigo its complex, just like my life and the people in it.

Its Now Indigo

Check back soon to see why the change.

Aesop's -The Fox and The Crow

A Fox once saw a Crow fly off with a piece of cheese in its beak and settle on a branch of a tree.
"That's for me, as I am a Fox," said Master Reynard, and he walked up to the foot of the tree.
"Good day, Mistress Crow," he cried. "How well you are looking today: how glossy your feathers; how bright your eye. I feel sure your voice must surpass that of other birds, just as your figure does; let me hear but one song from you that I may greet you as the Queen of Birds."
The Crow lifted up her head and began to caw her best, but the moment she opened her mouth the piece of cheese fell to the ground, only to be snapped up by Master Fox.
"That will do," said he. "That was all I wanted. In exchange for your cheese I will give you a piece of advice for the future: "Do not trust flatterers."

The First Weekend

Today I wasted most of my time doing nothing. I had an extremely long conversation with my boss to clarify 3 simple concerns of mine and an even longer online conversation with Mr., MeTo. I am coming to realize that you can’t always put your life out there for all to read. I knew that eventually everyone I featured in my Blog would read it but I am no fan of censorship. I like my new job a lot and truly do not want to sacrifice my career, I am truly blessed to be dating a guy who agrees and is doing the same thing that I am doing now.

I made a resolution to be honest with my friends, but it looks like my honesty is something than I need to work on all the way around. I had began to use my Blog as way to express the things that I had trouble saying, and would encourage the people in my life to read it so they could gain clarity. I have learned though, “LifeStorms” has taught me to express myself period. I don’t have the trouble saying things to anyone that I truly feel needs to be said.

I am still feeling out my boss, I trust him and I feel in time I will be able to tell him what I need to say without sugar coating, and I know in time an hour conversation will shrink down to a 15 minute one because we will be on the same page.

Mr. MeTo and I are really making progress, I have no fear in telling him anything, and I feel he feels the same way.

Today I also found out that Jason is trying to quit smoking, I could not be happier for him. I always thought he should cut back but it was nothing that bothered me or I saw as a big enough problems, especially while I was alongside him smoking. So now it looks like all but one of my friends will be a smoker, good ole Louis, but in time.

Yesterday I hung out with my friend Matt, my mother only knows what I tell her and she loves him, he is by far her favorite of all my friends.

Matt is working part time at Panera Bread and he gets a fifty percent discount. So we had lunch and then went to Barns and Noble. We talked on religion, dating, and work. I told him about my new job and he told me about his business adventure. We both have faith or trust in god that the other will go far given that proper time is invested.

I decided that I would by a book or two with my gift card. I picked up Aesop’s fables and then saw there was a sale on the BN editions of classic lit. Aesop’s fables was among them and it was by two get one free. It became quite the adventure as I tried hard to find three books of equal price that I had an honest interest in reading. There was Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Beowulf, the scarlet letter and finally I found two I wanted. In addition to Aesop I found Pride and Prejudice. Both 5.95 meaning I had to find another that was 5.95 so I hunted down Gulliver’s Travels and to my delight it was also 5.95.

After Matt convinced me to go with my gut and check out fashion, he and I both saw me finding the right book from that section was going to be no easy task so we checked out and went home.
I enjoy every moment I spend with Matt; he is a great teacher and an awesome friend who keeps me from truly going to the dark side of the pink life.

I did go to church today and I think I will make it a new habit, just have to find a church that I like.

A Resolution

I have decided after reviewing last year and several episodes of my favorite TV shows that this year's resolution would be a simple one of two parts.

Last year I quite smoking, I stopped smoking social pot and learned how to have a good time with little or no alcohol. This year I need to appreciate my friends more, and be more open and honest with them. I know sometimes Jay may get mad and yell but as his best friend I really need to step up to the plate and be the one that tells him the truth no matter how much he may disagree and get angry.

My mom may think that I prance around Sodom and Gomorra, but I have been there and left. I have always known what I wanted out of life, the whole fabulous, well off, in love, surrounded by friends. But as to how to achieve it I was at a loss. I am a loyal person; I have changed and stopped wasting time on guys who don't appreciate me. I even learned how to exploit those who hurt me. I learned a lot from last year, and its time I start putting my knowledge into practice.

Now that Mr. M is no longer Mr. M, he has no power over my heart and if he wants too be friends I have left it not in his hands but in the hands of his actions. No more letting him, or anyone for that matter, use my kindness to better themselves without anything in return. No more dating guys who get what they want but never deliver on what I want. I will no longer hold onto people who don't want to keep me in their lives.

I may wonder how someone can be happy with me then throw it away like Mr. M and Jazz, or say that they want what I want but never fight for it, like Ramón and Damian. But they are my past, and there is no need fretting over the past.

My future consist of fabulous good times, going to new places and returning home to my friends and the man who is going to sweep me off my feet. I am going to work heard towards my goal of three and cultivating friends ships with those who put forth effort.

It's not a year of great things just happening it's a year of me and my friends seeing a return on our investments. Jason and I will have those fabulous jobs we want. My credit and driving record will return to good standing and I will become quite independent like I was back in 2006.

My Resolution is to pay more attention to my REAL friends and focus on getting my dream life.

I started my adult life three years ago and lots has changed, but it was all for the best.

So long 2008 and HELLO 2009

2008 proved to be a dynamic and stressful year not only for those attached to LifeStorms, but the entire country, With the US falling into a recession, the stock market plummeting and the passing of Proposition 8. However there was a light at the end of the tunnel when the United States took a stand and elected its first black president Mr. Barack Obama.

The year although a not so good one ended with hope for many with the government trying to work hard to protect current jobs and trying to save companies that are vital to the economy.

While the country was going through its trials and tribulations my life and all those involved were going through theirs as well.

The year started like most years me at a party, toasting in the New Year with friends no man in my life and thanking God that I made it out of another year alive. I really had no plans for the new year just to get my life together but it would seam fate had something else on its agenda.

Things started to pick up after my car was reposed, and I was mugged on my way home one night, and my best friends and roommate called off their wedding.

I switched jobs at EDU so that when the time came I could return to school full time. But that never happened. I was fired in mid march and had to focus on finding income and something to do with my spare time. At the same time my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and was told she would have to undergo an extremely invasive procedure.

I refused to let it get me down I still had a party for my 22nd birthday and invited all my friends from EDU and my gang. To my surprise my gang did not show and only a few people from work showed, but party hard we did. One of the people who really was helping me through this hard time decided not to come, My friend Matt who only a month ago had broken up with his fiancé, my roommate.

I was still dealing with Mr. M and the emotional rollercoaster he had me on. It had been a year of parties one of which my best friend Jazz made a total fool of herself by drinking to the point of black out and acted as if she lost her mind completely. At our birthday party she did control herself.

I had decided to move in with my mother to help her do the things that needed to be done while she was recovering from surgery. It was hard for all of us. I had to deal with her depression and pickiness in everything and she had to deal with body altering surgery.

After I chose to move out my mother found out my sister was no angel, my mother found my sister and her boyfriend on the couch in a very unholy position, I would imagine missionary. My sister made it to graduation in one piece and my mother was depressed because she could not throw the party she had planned.

Job interview after interview and from Home Depot I found UAS, an alarm company, which came right before forth of July.

I had slept with Louis and decided to start dating him despite what his ex boyfriend, Jason said. Jay way supportive and everything a best friend should be. After the family barbecue we went down to see the fireworks which ended not so well with jay and I fighting over something stupid. We made up shortly after. It was odd for Phil as he was the only single one, Jason and Clinton, Jazz and Tristan, Me and Louise, and Phil was alone.

The summer proved to be on crazy event after the other with me finally confronting Mr. M. the break up of Louis and I, Jason finding out that dating younger is not always easy and Jazz breaking up with Tristan. I then from guy to guy never getting serious or too close, no whore or slutty business, which left a lot of guys totally disappointed. I remained true to my self and knew what I wanted.

UAS proved to be much like EDU in its racy sense of humor and openness. But when they found out I was thinking about leaving it was short lived.

I had decided mid august that I would try to get into modeling, and after almost completing my intro courses figured I would move to NYC, I had to leave Chester anyway. My roommate had a bad year and after a bad dating experiences; she was trying to figure out if she would sell the house or rent it completely.

After trying to move with Louis I figured it was best not to. His roommate took advantage of him then kicked him out while he was at work. I helped him move to south Philly with his friend.

After weighing my options I called Jazz and we decided that my plan sounded good and it was finalized that I was moving to NYC. While in NYC for an interview UAS decided to let me go. I moved a week later and three days after that I started working at another central station.

I met a few guys, had some laughs but my roommate decided to make my life hell, my friends warned me it was going to happen. So after discussing it with my mother and friends I packed my car and left back for Philadelphia, she decided to end the friendship and to try and keep the stuff that I left there. This is one thing that is still not over.

After moving back I partied hard thanks to Jason. I tried one last time to make something with Ramón, which failed.

Job interview after job interview led me to bad job after bad job and I finally got my break all the way around. After celebrating Mr. M’s Birthday with a few of his friends and the ex before me I saw that Mr. M was never going to change. All feelings for that ass hole were gone. I was 100% free.

I made a connection with two guys Mr. New York and Mr. New Jersey. Mr. New York became my boss when he offered me the job as personal assistant at a modeling agency, and Mr. New Jersey became Mr. MeTo when we started dating.

I rung in the New Year 2009 with Mr. MeTo and my friend Alex, I had a lot of fun and a really good kiss from a guy that is truly NOT a waste of time.

It Just Came Late, I Think.

As any of my friends can tell you and almost all of my family, this year was not a merry season. I did not want to yet could I afford to buy gifts. I did not feel like decorating and wished that this holiday would soon pass. I had planned to sleep most of it away and then fast forward through the rest; it however did not work out that way.

I was awakened from a not so pleasant dream by my mother who wanted me to clean the tub. I was pissed, as after I permed my hair I made sure I returned it to the state it was before I used it. Not having cleanser, I used some purple cleaner that she handed me and happened to work better. I returned to bed and had difficulty falling back to sleep as the sun had already risen.

Tossing and turning I received a text message wishing me a merry Christmas from Zach, to which I replied, "To early." An hour or two later my mother started to scream for my sister and I. With her not saying what needed to be done after each yell I figured I stay half asleep. She stopped yelling and I then felt bad, as I knew, she wanted to open gifts and I probably hurt her feeling by not making a big deal or even pretending for her sake.

I half listened as gifts were opened and she guessed what hers was without even touching the box. I knew she had gotten me a gift card, and I was satisfied with the idea, no need to rush to open it. I awoke finally and started to get ready. I was excited to wear the present I bought myself, a chain with a Whinny the Pooh charm. It was going to go great with my black shirt that has silver and white lines running through it.

I showered, shaved, dressed, and talked to my sister who told me what I was to get from my stepfather for Christmas, 60 dollars. I told everyone I needed money and why. I know why I got the gift card from my mother and I am completely satisfied, to be quite honest from her money would not have meant as much. In the middle of getting dressed, she gave me a big kiss on the cheek and ensured that I had an imprint of red lips on my face.

Once I dressed completely and put on makeup to hide my puffy face, from a lack of sleep the past few days, I joined the rest of my family and drank a cup of tea. It was not long before we left to continue with family tradition. We went to my grandmother's house as it has been done since the birth of the first grandchild 24 years ago. We waited for the entire family to arrive, which includes my grandmother, her three daughters, her one son, my stepfather, my aunt's husband, 8 blood grand children, and one adopted. The eldest of us had to work, thank god.

We had breakfast, which any black family can tell you a truly good meal for any family event consist of fried chicken and waffles. I think that has been a tradition for the past maybe 8 or 10 years. Then the gifts my grandmother bought for all while uncle john bought for the little ones and his favorite, my sister. My aunt Shunie bought for the little ones, and thank god, she did. My youngest aunt has absolutely no fashion since; her daughter is dressed like a boy and her son an old man. To rectify this, my aunt bought my cousin clothes to make her look like a little girl. My cousin after trying them all on decided to keep an outfit on.

I was cynical and was quick to make snappy comments and jokes about what annoyed me. My cousins and sister joined in because they felt the same way.

After the gift opining, this was done in size order according to gifts and I going third having gotten a wallet, had bid farewell and headed to my next stop. I called Brenda who has become part of my Christmas tradition, only to find out I missed her, so I grabbed my cards and to my Grandma Betty's.

It was perfect timing, as I was sitting in my car filling out the cards my aunt pulled aside me and had my cousin in the car with her. I hadn't seen him since we worked together. We chatted and I went in the house.

It was just how it is every year. Eating and merry making, Card reading and joke telling, it was how Christmas with the family should be. I was quite shocked as I left my grandmother's house. I had to admit I had a really nice Christmas. I got a decent amount of money, and had a good time with the people I loved.

Was it because I lowered my expectations, or was it because the spirit just came late? Whatever it was I hope the feeling comes sooner next year so that I don’t risk hurting any feelings or feeling bad at the end of the day. So while I still feel warm in heart I wish merry Christmas to all and to all the happiest New Year.

Never Over

Why is it when you decide to cut someone out of your life something kind of major happens to remind you of him or her, the good times, and why you allowed him or her to stay in your life for so long. I cannot look at a picture that was artistically taken without thinking of Neal Curly, I look at some of the clothes I bought to where to a party and I think about how jazz was with me to pick them out and what a good time we had. Almost everywhere, I go in the city of Philadelphia I See my friends from high school and ex boyfriends.

The new job has taken me to a town I never thought I would go to again, a town I had decided would have a great memory and that its. It was July second and I had lead my boy friend at the time to the wrong extension of the Penn Turnpike. I was supposed to get him to the turnpike then follow him back to his place, but we never made it. We found a motor lodge to spend the night and after taking showers, we were intimate for the first time. The town is called Lansdale a little town north of Philadelphia that has no real significance.

My now ex and I had spent the morning of July fourth in what seemed to be a dead town before parting ways.

My new job has me working indirectly for Verizon FiOs, going door to door to get current landline and DSL customers to make the switch to the much better FiOs. The place I have to do this is Lansdale. I started the Thursday after Mr. M's birthday hangout, where I decided that not talking to him for a while would be a great idea. I was ever so shocked to find myself driving ever closer to the spot where I felt I truly fell for him.

After two days of having to go door to door learning the greatness that is VZ FiOs I saw that this town did not deserve to be remembered as that place but rather the place where I may one day move only because the cost of living seemed to be cheaper with all the apartments.

Once again, I received divine enlightenment one night while talking to Mr. MeTo it was explained how why so many people hold onto bad relationships. I had not asked for understanding nor had I told him about how I was feeling about Mr. M, the topic of relationships came up and wanted to share a lesson he learned and it helped me to see and understand Mr. M. a little better.

I have decided that I will continue with this break but when the New Year comes and he and I are friends again I will be all the better a friend because Mr. MeTo is really proving to be the half that I've been looking for.

The Pink Life

I like to refer to gay life as the Pink Life. It sounds better and doesn't hit as hard. There is this belief that being gay means spending late nights out in the clubs drunk and having wild crazy sex. There are many different types of gay people who lead lives as different as there are different shades of pink.

Some gays chose to be conservative, while others are just out there, and then the rest fall somewhere in between. With all the persecution of what is debated as a choice or luck of the draw. Many men choose refuge with those who are the same and the best place to find other men who are like them are the clubs that pepper many major cities. There are online communities that cater to gentlemen who are longing to keep how they feel a secret but want to escape from a life of lies and deception for only a moment.

We live in a world where sex sells and many have forgotten what sex is. Not just Pink clubs but all clubs promote sex. The whole nightlife scene whether it be straight or gay is riddled with glamorous over use of Alcohol, provocative dance and dress, trying to score, illegal drug use, and all under the cover of night.

The modern Pink Life man is making a point to change. You see the LGBT organizations hosting events that are more wholesome. Showcasing the things that gays have been known to be good at for years, the arts. From film and stage to building and painting, the pink life is more than just sex.

Modern gay are now trying to prove that we are in fact the same as heterosexuals. We are just as good at raising children and taking care of families, we can manage money, work in any field not just the arts, we are different in only one way and that is the people we date are of the same sex and that is all.

Sure I talk about sex freely and my relationships, I talk about going to the clubs and the men in my life, But I also talk about my family, friends work and what I want in my future. To be quite honest I talk about the same things everyone else does, it's just in blog form.

This is my blog, it is about my life and my life is Pink.

Faux Pas

I know I am not the fashion police but there are certain things that people just should not wear. It is almost comical when the wrong top, shoes, belt or socks pulls down an entire ensemble.

There are the classic leave it to the pros colors that you just may not mix, such as pink and orange, blue and green, black and blue, and my favorite, roygbiv. I find it unfortunate when someone steps out their house and honestly feels that they look like a cover model wearing every possible color they could.
Sometimes mornings, are rough and things don't go as planned, so it is always safe to go with an outfit almost the same color or something that you think is boring. You can never go wrong with something such as a black or white top with black or khaki pants as long as you must remember to were black socks with black shoes or it is ruined.

The classic outfit bring down is none other than, the white sock, (shivers). White socks should never be worn unless you absolutely cannot avoid it or you are wearing sneakers. I have seen this one way to many times. It is very disappointing to catch gentlemen wherein a suite, nice tie, well-pressed shirt and (Oh No!) white socks. You can ask any corporate professional or even a lady and they will all tell you the same thing “It's an eye sore.”

Then of course, there are accessories or furnishings for men. These little accent pieces can become the focal point of any bad outfit. Many times these are the first things people notice so that they can negate a good outfit. This is why the experts say, “A belt, bracelet, watch, necklace, or set of earrings can make or break any outfit.” If corporate woman is caught wearing all black with those sexy black stilettos, a delicate pearl necklace and one of those $1.99 star wars talking watches from Burger King she immediately becomes the talk of the office in the second worst way possible. But let's say my fun loving boss who wears kakis and button down shirts with the different company logos came in one day wherein Hawaiian gear, no one would think ill of him. He is having fun that is, as long as he is not wherein black socks and sandals.

Many people think they can dress like the stars but have you seen a lot of the junk the Black Eyed Peas where or that white puffy thing Aretha Franklin wore to an awards show three years ago. Stick to the basics and you cannot go wrong, you just might even get a compliment.

I normally don't do this. . . But what the hell

Dog Malfunction

Happy Fucking Birthday

So December 16th is Mr. M's 26th Birthday. To celebrate we went out the night before. There was no agenda just an odd guest list. Mr. M, his roommate, our friend Catherine, the ex before me that we will refer to as Alpha, alpha's three friends, Catherin's boy friend, Matt and myself.

I borrowed money from my stepfather for gas and cell phone minutes and then went to the dollar tree to pick up a B-day card and maybe a little gift of humor. To my surprise, the second card I picked up was perfect and as I turned, there was a box filled with teddy bears of all different colors. I found a blue one, which is Mr. M's favorite color and checked out. I called to get the run down and with no agenda; I decided to just meet them there.

On my way, I had an interesting conversation with Mr. New York, the man who I was planning to date before Mr. MeTo. Mr. New York still seamed appealing but I knew Mr. MeTo was the one for me. We talked about his Friday plans, as he had to go back to NYC for a doctor appointment and holiday parties. I suggested I be his date. The parties were all work related and I figured it would be a good way to have myself seen, discus my photo shot, and to tie up some loose ends in Queens.

I decided I would call him back Wednesday after my second interview and would let him know if I could go. As I got onto King of Prussia road, I decided it would be a good idea to get off my cell phone. I arrived, filled out the card and just as I was getting out the car, I received a text message and a call asking where I was from the birthday boy.

Mr. M, his roommate, Matt and I all drove down to meet the others on South Street. A stop at one place to say hi to Catherin and pick a place and we were off to Fat Tuesdays. Anyone who is anyone knows about Philadelphia's South Street. It is the true melting point of the city. It is where LGBT meets republicans, black meets white, Drag queens mix with hookers and people who earn honest livings, and it is where everybody gets along with everybody. The street teams with people and cars to form an elongated miniature times square. That is on nights that aren't Mondays.

If it had not been for the Eagles game South Street would have been just like any other part of the city. I was poor so two-dollar bud lights were good enough for me, especially because I didn't want to get drunk. The night progressed well. Alpha and his friends showed up and everyone got along with everyone.

There were comments about Matt being a ribbed sex toy due to his sweater, Catherine played with Mr. M's nipples and Alpha's Bff said I reminded him of Noah, from Noah's ARC. I had heard it before, no surprise, but I was quick to point out I was taller, and lighter.

Before I knew it Alpha and I were playfully going at it, I have to admit I love a good banter, and banter we did while Catherine and her boyfriend really quarreled. Stories of drunken nights, puking and a trip to the hospital and I was all caught up on what I missed on this half while I was in NYC.

We moved to another bar and in the process, Mr. MeTo called me. I was so surprised, having thought he had gone to bed by the time I called. We chatted and I delighted in every word he said to me. I hadn’t felt the way I felt in quite awhile. Of course, I was out with friends and Alpha had an objection. So to shut him up and free my hands for payback I told Mr. MeTo I would talk to him later. I then put alpha in a chokehold, we ended up on the ground, and I got a hurt elbow. I realized we were on the ground like kids and immediately got up, both laughing.

Bar two was closing so on to bar three, which was quite a different crowd, straight and predominantly black ghetto folk. Alpha was pulled away by the birthday boy. Everyone saw it as an opportunity to ask what the deal was between the two of us. I was confused; did it appear to be something? I asked quite shocked what everyone meant.

Catherine responded by saying "the lovers' quarrel" it was odd coming from her as she and her boyfriend were fighting most of the night. I explained that we were just having a good time getting on each other's nerves. But I then thought, did I like him, I did think he was cute and he made a few references to taking off his shirt. I thought about the possibilities and then thought about Mr. MeTo and it was a no brainer.

Everyone returned to the table and it was evident that Mr. M was drunk. While Alpha and I quarreled for the hundredth time about shutting up Mr. M made the comment that if Alpha stopped talking I would follow. Mr. M then said, "He just likes to talk, that’s what I was trying to tell you in the bathroom." So apparently a normally quite me who is normally asked if I am ok when meeting new people for a lack of talking, and I who is almost never tells a story in full because Mr. M cuts me off likes to talk.

So I stopped talking and the rest of the party apparently did not enjoy it. It was typical drunk Mr. M behavior. I was around and he felt it a prime time to treat me like shit. All thoughts of ever getting back with him were gone. I had a flood of memories of how I would call to catch up and a drunk him would have nothing but negative things to say, when we dated he would critique some of the most petty things and the night he decided to have a heart to heart with my best friend he made a point to point out all the things he did not like about me.

I realized that this alcoholic had beef with me. A tall and good looking me then began to play his game I made it look like I was interested the rest of the night mixing my banter and "lovers' quarrel" with kind words and signs of interest towards the person that was described as Mr. M's Mr. Big. I had a strong feeling that he was not happy as he did not talk to me for the rest of the night and kept giving his look of disproval. I had seen it before and he only got away with it this time because it was his birthday.

Alpha's best friend made a point to drill me on the topic of why I was not interested in Alpha, to be honest I kind of was but I liked someone else more.

When we got back to the apartment, I could see that the games had begun. Why I participated, I have no idea but nonetheless I did. I hated seeing Mr. M getting along with his ex and further more Mr. M was supposed to be back with his most recent ex. It was made quite clear that Mr. M did not want there to be any way of his two exes hooking up. He let Alpha go far but not too far, far enough to keep his hands off me but not to the point of getting together.

Everyone went out for food and Alpha decided to pay. I went to the hall to explain the situation to Jason via phone and I was told to leave like a grown up and stop playing games. Mr. M won despite the fact I stayed. Or it would appear that way.

The roommate may have been trying to hint at the fact that the birthday boy and alpha we going to have sex and I may not want to be around to hear it. He told me about an ice storm that was coming in the early morning. He then decided who slept where and I who always slept with Mr. M was now sleeping on the floor of the living room.

I pretended to sleep while Mr. M and Alpha discussed relationships and the past. I knowing Mr. M so well knew the two were going to have sex. The moment I heard the bedroom door close my heart started pounding. I was not ready to hear such a thing take place. I don’t know why but I snuck out and ran down the hall to the elevator. I made up in my mind it was time to just cut Mr. M out of my life.

Someone who drinks to feel better than puts me down, Someone who says they value my friendship but never acts like it, someone who knows how I feel yet shows now respect for that and has taken advantage of it. Despite all my efforts and hopes for the best Mr. M has not changed. I learned he was one of those fags that likes drama and will always be surrounded by it. And when he does not have enough in his life, he dates those who do.

To Mr. M, I know you, I got you pegged and at 26, you are not changing but happy fucking birthday you lost a friend and one of the few guys who treated you like a human.

For Granted

We as middle class Americans take for granted many things. The fact that we are allowed to express our selves is one that we cannot imagine living without. We see ads for those charities that help children in developing countries and because we cannot relate, we change the channel. Sure, it's sad but we think, "What can we honestly do?" We think about how much trouble the world is in and the fact that in order to rectify the problems, it has to be a united front not just one or two here and there for a small period of time.

We take almost everything and everyone in our lives for granted. It is what we do. Our friends come and go, and in so become disposable like trash bags. Our family will always be our family so we treat them as to how we see fit or how we were raised without second-guessing if it is truly the right thing to do. You can walk from one end of your house to the other and not imagine what it would be like if we didn’t own certain modern convinces. Such as trashcans and trash pickup, toilets, sinks and indoor plumbing. A kitchen with several appliances to cook and prepare food. We turn on the stove and it works, when it does not we replace it or write a check to pay the gas or electric bill. The fact that we have a place to live is a concept that we are asked to reflect upon but no one truly dose and if we do it is only for a fleeting moment.

So many things I can mention, clothing, entertainment devices, the computer you use to read this blog and all the connections that make it work, are all things that we don’t bother imagining life without.

But why is it so easy to take the things in our life for granted. Why is it that we can almost look at those without as if they made a choice to live such a way? It has gotten so bad that many people push the limits and destroy what they have so that they have an excuse to get more. People typical will push others away in order to get new friends, or a new lover. Tear down buildings so they can build bigger and better ones. Some even persistently sell and trade their cars in to have the newest and greatest.

It all has to start and end some place. We live in a world of certainty. We may not know the day, hour, month or even year but we know that all that has a beginning has an end, what goes up must come down, and where there is light, there will be shadow.

Certainty tends to be translated differently in the brain of us humans. Because we see the sunrise and set in the same fashion for several years, we simply assume that it will do the same for the rest of our lives. We know one day we will die but live life like it is infinite, assured that because I woke up this morning when I go to sleep tonight the same will happen. It is not until tragedy strikes and shakes our core that we stop to truly reflect.

Pearl Harbor, September 11th, a best friend dies; we are in a car accident, our house burns down, earthquake, tornado, drought, or the loss of employment. We imagine with modern convinces such as unemployment and insurance we will be ok through most of these. Then the lawyers come and say only half was covered or acts of god don’t count, we see that nothing brings back our best friend from the dead, we almost died in that car, the people that went to work that day and had plans for after work never got to do them, dry cleaning never got picked up, and many people never got to see their loved ones again. Do we deserve the tragedies that come upon us and remind us of what we take for granted? Do we have a right to be angry with god or some higher being that we have to suffer a loss?

No, we don’t deserve tragedy, and no, we should not be angry at a higher being or fate. From the moment that we can comprehend, we learn that almost anything can take away almost anything. Your favorite toy was broken or stolen by another kid at day care or on the playground and we learned that the things we love need protecting. If you value your life, protect and cherish it. Don’t waste it and don’t make the lives of others worse for your own gain. When tragedy strikes, it's to remind of how infinity exists only in the heavens. The earth moves and changes just like all that inhabit it. The tide comes and goes, the moon has many different phases, and while it may all look like each day is the same as the last it is not.

Just like people, each day only graces the earth once. We can make it a good day or a bad day. The first of many days that help to improve the lives of other or the first of many days to kill life early. With every action there is a reaction and the only things we can control is how we act react. When you sit and reflect on life without many of the things you fail to appreciate daily you will see just how easy it is to take everything for granted. You will see how it can snow ball to the point that we are only pretending to care about other s because it is what we were taught to do.

The moment comes in our lives when we stop and start to value life, things and people not as we have been taught but as we are meant to do. Some will never have that moment while others will be so moved by the revelation they will strive not only to undo their own damage but as much damage as they can. Some will just do small things and others will simply adjust the way they live in ever a slight way but enough to make a difference. We will once have thought, "One person can't make a difference." But we will see the error and realize "That it was that one last straw which broke the camel's back."

A Summery Thus Far.

Lately I have been feeling like my time for the single life is coming to a close. I had given up on the search for a boyfriend and began enjoying being single and free. I was truly a unicorn. I was uncatchable and did not want to be caught.

Then I started to be in Mr.M's life again and after watching Sex and the city season six, I became scared. I watched as Carrie took care of Big and Big began to suggest growing old with her. After having wanted to be with Mr. M for so long, having one bad discussion after the other, and listening to how bad things went in his last relationship, I had decided we were only truly ever going to be friends. He didn’t see me how I wanted him to see me and I was starting to see him not as I once did.

We were on the path to friendship and even that was not leaving me where I wanted. I had made up in my mind that I wanted to be one of his best buddies and I was feeling that, that was not something he really wanted either, so friends at a distance. But this one episode started making me think and thinking about a future with Mr. M was not good so I dressed and ran out.
Talking to my friend Sarah who I had not seen in months, I realized that I needed not to force this thing with Ramón. I never mentioned Ramón or what was going on with him to her. But I received clarity through some advice she gave that helped me to see how pointless and bad having a relationship with someone my friends did not like would be.

So I was back at square one but happy to still be free. A night at shampoo was nothing more than a rerun of my past. Most of the leading men showed up and I saw how stupid I was at times and how desperate I was at others. It was a musical with dance numbers and surprise guest. I remember the pride I felt walking off the dance floor sweaty but glistening in the right ways and receiving looks from men who clearly wanted a dance.

A week went by and there were hot guys and hot nights and it hit Me, I was getting tired and wanted no more of this wild life. It was time for this unicorn to be caught. No sooner had I thought the words than did I receive an email from Mr. New York.
Mr. New York turned out to be what I needed he worked in fashion and I was trying to get in as a model. A disappointing conversation left me thinking that I may not be able to be a model. But after emailing my pictures and stats, he confirmed that I could in fact go far in the industry.

We talked every night, about me modeling, his work in the industry, Miami, NYC, hopes and dreams, and how we were compatible. In my mind it went from him being a hot sugar daddy, to the break I was looking for, to, he could be the one. There was one issue though, his age.

Not that I have ever let age determine a relationship as long as he was older by at least a few days, with the exception of Reed, that’s another story. But this man at the age of almost 50 was looking to settle for life. He had a few goals left to achieve then he would be done and would want to travel the world with his sweet heart. Ok I can do that but I also had goals of my own. Do they or can they tie into together. I called on fate and decided if it were meant to be it would be.

I continued to talk on A4A incase the perfect guy was looking for me. I stayed open to finding whatever where ever. I browsed social net working sites for nothing in particular but to stay connected with my friends but as fate would have it, Mr. MeTo showed up.

He sent me a very kind and promising note through A4A. I replied and the conversation commenced. He was not physically my type but then no guy I have fallen for, ever was. We kept it online but the next day by some odd kind of magic; he suggested calling to hear my voice. It was odd only because I was about to type the same thing. In a 2 hour, conversation we had what some would equate to 3 dates. We talked about everything except sex. There was not much we didn’t talk about we touched on every topic we could imagine and the amount of things we had in common was spellbinding.

We related how two people should and differed in the same way. Our ideas of a lasting relationship were the same. I remember getting off the phone thinking that a guy like this is never interested in me. I figured I would see that flaw that made him a total looser soon enough.

The next day I was on a mission to find his unforgiveable flaw or have him find mine. No luck, it was another perfect day spent online and on the phone. We talked about sex this time and he gave me chills. Just the basics such as stats and a few likes and dislikes. We were compatible there as well. It even looked like we may be compatible in the kitchen. Too good to be true.
Then finally the non-compatible issues came up and all were small things. So in fact, we could find things to fight about and reasons to make up. I opened up to Mr. MeTo unlike ever before I trusted a guy I have yet to meet face to face. I told him things that I wait for a long time before I reveal to people and he did the same to me.

My heart is still guarded Mr. M has taught me that you can never rush into a happy ever after. And with my life goals being what they are I must proceed with caution, I am still a unicorn. My heart is the heart of a man who so wants to fall in love and get his fairy tale ending. I imagine my perfect guy with his flaws and things that amaze me. I measure every guy I conceder to him. MR. MeTo measures up thus far which is to say a lot.

All there is now is trying to see if a relationship between us works and if it does how will being in a relationship effect my plans for becoming a model? Will my new relationship goals effect things with Mr. New York? Have I learned what it takes to find a decent relationship?

I don’t know what is going to come next but I can say with confidence I am looking forward to it. I hope that 2009 will be filled with what I am hoping for and that I can write 2008 a happy ending.

Stay tuned.