J.R and The Winner

Some men I just don't get, big talkers and gamers are the worse. During my stint with J.R. I ended up leaving my Favorite Belt, a pair of shorts, and an earing over his house, we even had a spare set of keys made so that if I got locked out my apartment I would just go to his job or call him so I could get into my apartment.

Well right after I decided to leave him a lone for awhile I got got text one day telling me he lost his job. Being the good person that I am I tried calling and texting him. He would never pick up and he rarely responded to text. This was new and odd considering before he would answer on the first ring or text me right back if did not answer.

Then the day came when I was locked out and as planned I called him for my keys. It was important because I had to work the morning shift the next day. He would not answer his phone. I decided that I would go to his apartment and bang on his door. I had to call a dozen times in the process. I then went to his favorite spots to see if anyone had seen him. No one saw him all night. When I went back to his apartment I noticed that all the lights were now off with the exception of one.

I could tell the dogs herd the bell because every time I rang it they would go crazy with barking. Obviously he was home when I first stopped by and this time he was not, so I continued to call. He finally called me back and told me he was in bed and had an interview the next day. I explained the situation and he told me that in the process of getting fired and cleaning out his desk he left my keys. I asked why and he stopped himself when began to say he didn't care, Ouch. I went to Ivan's house, I sent text to all my supervisors explaining the situation and crashed there.

Latter the next day I got a text from J.R. Saying he looked all over his apartment and could not find the keys, when I asked about the interview I got no response.

The Saturday before the aids walk I was still locked out and my roommates being who they are chose not to help me. So I went to the Belgum Cafe for my favorite fries and vegan wings. There I bumped into a few of J.R.'s friends and when he walked in I could tell he was avoiding me, he kept his back to me and went to the bathroom. I got my food and left.

I got to Phil's and sent J.R. a text. He responded saying he cared and all that bull shit, then he told me he started seeing someone else. I wanted to see him in person to talk but he then told me he was on his way to the new guys house to have sex because he needed sex.

I bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked three. The next week it was hell, I could hardly eat, and threw most of that up. I smoked unlike ever before and soon I was drinking heavily to top it all off.

As time passed I felt better and tried the whole friend thing and J.R, but 99% of the time he just ignored me as best he could. You would think he would offer closure or the shit that he was holding hostage at his apartment. Its one thing to fuck with a gay man's heart and totally different thing to fuck with his wardrobe.

The funny thing was JR was about to have his 30^th birthday and I had agreed to do his cake and as the event approached I herd nothing but I did get an invite. The day of his actual birthday I had to stop by Ivan's to pick something up which meant I had to pass Belgum Cafe, so I stopped in to say Happy Birthday. He was all aglow and honestly looked happy to see me I told him I was unsure if I was going to the party.

After hanging out with the new thug in my life we made plans to go dressed to the nines.

The day of the party I went shopping got a new outfit and did my hair. I then got a message that my thug was not coming and I had already responded yes to the invite. At the party I got no hi or anything even when I tried to say happy birthday. So I spent time with his friends who told how he acts more like a princess now and I just felt great about me. Considering the outfit I was wearing I still looked like a boy and I was hot. He was wearing an outfit I seen several times before.

I met up with Icon and got drunker. The bartender at the party kept giving me doubles for the price of a single so I was already quite tipsy. I went to my new apartment around 1 and passed out.

A few days latter I began getting word that, “I won.” I asked Ivan what he meant and he told me that I had a social life, a job I liked, friends who liked me, and I was dating and having fun. Then I asked the girl who used to be my BFF and she said the same thing plus I was way better looking and she added how his friends all still liked me.

The news put me on cloud nine, however there is just one major issue, my shorts and belt. Everyone liked those shorts and the belt has memories and JR lives around the corner from Ivan. I still get his foursquare and I text him once in a blue moon and he doesn't respond but he is a looser and I am a winner.  

Is It Just Sex?

In advertising sex sells, in humor sex jokes get the biggest laughs and in magazines sex articles are the most read. People like sex; we like to do it, read about it, watch it, laugh at it, and talk about it. Just think about it, how many times a day is something said that makes you think about sex? More often than not they are juvenile thoughts and major stretches you make to make something that has nothing to do with sex sound like it dose.

Recently I have taken it upon myself to do a little research into the world of sex facts and it is no surprise that the list is extensive. From facts about men, semen and their sex drive, women, sex organs, all the way to medieval stories about sex that have been recently changed into more appropriate Disney movies.

Some of the most interesting facts that I have found people to be more interested in are the ones not so much about sex organs but sexual fluids, semen to be more specific. There has been a long sexual debate about what to do with the stuff when performing Fellatio. I was shocked to find that the most common response is to swallow; this is by both guys and girls. (Source) I searched high and low to see if I could find a message board or poll that had the opposite view and all of them said the best thing to do is to swallow it. Many people even went on to describe it as simply warm liquid and that it should not be so difficult to do. I found it simply fascinating. I then decided to take a poll of my own and was shocked that almost all of my friends agree that swallow is done by an extremely high percentage of my friends.

A few more interesting semen facts, most men can shoot an easy ten feet, but one guy broke the record by shooting 18 feet he holds all the records as of now with greatest height, velocity and I would imagine amount. I could only imagine that to get hit with something like that at close range would hurt, so he has no choice but to pull out.  The oldest dad was 90 at the time, giving hope to us youngsters that you can still have a sex life well into our geriatric years because at age 73 most men are still potent and thanks to Viagra and Calis testing this theory is all the easier. 

To find sex facts are quite easy and they typically are the same from one web site to the next. Like when I was looking for the nutritional information for seamen. This is a fun one for everyone. While we know it is high in protein it also contains fructose a type of sugar, Water, Ascorbic acid (a.k.a., vitamin C), Citric acid, Enzymes, Protein, Phosphate and bicarbonate buffers, Zinc, and is a low calorie food at only about 6 calories per teaspoon. So you have even more reason to swallow.

Another group of attention-grabbing sex facts are pertaining to male endowments. Everyone wants to know what is the biggest, what is the smallest, and why is the average so small? I am happy to say I can answer them all. The smallest recorded was 1cm erect. Now how that counts I am not sure but it does and who did this recording is up in the air but this seems to be the confirmed smallest. I can tell you that the reason for this was a medical condition.  There are two that exist; there is micropenis where most of the penis resides inside the body and congenital hypoplasia, where the glands better known as the head, is attached directly to the pubis.

The largest penis ever recorded measured 13.5 inches long. This has happened twice in modern history once in the early 20^th century and again at the end. Many of you might have herd of Private Dicks, an HBO special, that’s where this giant wonder hit the little screen back in 1999. I have not seen this special but it is all over the internet. The owner is unemployed and refuses to do porn; he has self respect, go figure. I have also not been able to find any pictures of it either so that’s the big and small of it.

Did you know that of all the primates Men have the largest penises? One would think the largest primate would have the largest penis but that’s not so. And while we are speaking of records you will be shocked to know that the largest baby ever born was done naturally without an epidural, the baby weighed in at 26 pounds with a head diameter of 6 inches or 15 cm meaning mom had the largest vagina and at 7 foot 8 it makes since. Most women are lucky if they dilate the full 10cm but this woman did it and went on to do an extra five. The baby however did not survive, 15cm was still a little small and it took work at both ends to get him out.

As far as records goes in regards to sex the list goes on and on. There is the, largest orgy, the most orgasms, or a quite interesting one, the longest some guy took to take care of himself (masturbated). Yeah believe it or not there is a contest for this, the one who holds out the longest is the winner and this guy held out for 9 hours and 58 minutes, one would think with that control he could have held out a little longer to make it an even 10 but I guess he is saving himself for the next go around. 

While people love to hear, talk, and joke about sex, they enjoy the act just as much and the most partners for a man in one hour was 52, he was supposed to have 101 but he got around to the rest two weeks later.  While men are known for wanting sex 24/7 based upon how often they get erections, on average 11 while awake and 9 at night, women are capable of having more partners in one day. One woman had 919 guys in one day. When we check out the most orgasms in an hour a woman had 134 and the man only 19. And you know the longer you go the longer it takes.

Men however prove to be more willing to go to great lengths for sex than women. 56% of men admit to have had sex at work; men are most likely to be the ones tied up during sex, and men are less shameful in their sexual endeavors. 60% percent of men admit to masturbation and while only 1 out of a 1000 men can perform Fellatio on themselves many more have tried.

So know that you know a lot more about sex and men than many of your friends here is a few tips to make your sex lives a little better. Men are easily aroused so if a simple kiss or genital rub is not enough to get things going try one of the following. The sent of lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, and pumpkin pie all increase blood flow to the penis. Apple pie causes arousal. Men are territorial and most modern men still enjoy marking territory, they do this by having sex so change the scene.

Remember that this is in fact a gay blog and most sex records involve Heterosexual acts. So if you know of some gay records let me know so I can write Gay Sex Facts.

Go For It! Always?

Men come into your life constantly with promises of sweeping you off your feet and putting you on a pedestal but do noting to show you how much your worth. But the moment you seem disinterested, or interested in another they find the need to declare their love for you or how much they want you.

When you love a person or are interested in a person its simple, don't tell them show them. The other day someone proved to me that they knew when I was excited about something, they had saw me excited one time and was able to tell me how I acted and sounded. If was not sitting down already I would have fallen to the floor. I was shocked that they noticed. Why is it that someone who was not trying to sweep me off my feet or trying to get me to be theirs would remember something about me with such great detail, while the men who claim they want me could not?

All my life I feel I have always tried to chase after the men who supposedly were chasing after me, but in reality I was just wasting my time. Why do we do that? Why do we fall for the words without seeing it put into action first? If a guy says he is interested but only treats you as a friend then we should take it for face value. I had a teacher who always reminded my class that, actions speak louder than words. Maya Angelou said that if a person shows you who they are, or tells you, then we should believe them. Much to often we think we can change a person or that “love” will bring out the best in them and make them change.

The heart is an amazing organ capable of feeling things that not even our brains can comprehend. We allow it so often to operate on its own only to look back and see that we should have been protecting it when the wrong person was trying to steal it. We then go into over protection mode when someone who is genuine is trying to give us theirs. More often than not we fail to see the signs until its to late.

All our life we hear people telling us that life is to short, live it up, “carpe diem,” but how often do we honestly take such wisdom to heart. It would really seem that when it comes to matters of the heart that we are a little backwards. We listen when we should watch, listen when we should feel. It almost always happens that after we have a broken heart we tell ourselves, “I should have saw this coming,” or “i should have known when he said. . .”

With the parade of men that I have spoken about in the past there are a select few who have more in common than any others. All the ones who I should have steered clear of? Sure they showed me a good time and then told me how much they liked me, how different I was, how sexy, smart, and how much they wanted me. In the end it always came down to the same thing, they were not ready for a relationship, life was to crazy to get involved, afraid they were going to hurt me. I simply do not get it, why give a speech declaring how much you want someone if you are not going to peruse it? Why take someone on a date, have fun only to turn around and say, “You are what I have been searching for, but I am not ready.” that’s like going on a gold hunt, finding gold and leaving it behind because you're not ready to be a millionaire.

Why go on a search for something only to leave it behind?

New Gay Socialite

I have a goal to become friends with 1000 people on Facebook and not just random people, Gays. I want to expand my network to include at least 500 gay men in the greater Philadelphia area. By doing such I will promote myself and rise up in the gay scene and become know as a classy fun down to earth gay male. I want to be a role model. The point to all of this is simple I am a social person and I would like to be one of the who’s who and then I will start with New York.

Unlike many other gays I will not use whatever “power” I have to make myself feel better but in turn try to bring others up as well if they so wish. How cool would that be to be able to send someone a message and they try to help you become a socialite as well.

So I know it’s a long shot but think about it. There are too many rich gays out there that are simply selfish, why would anyone aspire to that? Yes I want to be rich, sexy, well known, but I also want people to love me, NOT fear me. I want to have parties and invite everyone; I want to be invited to every party because I am fun and not a fan of the drama. Ah VixcB the peace keeper, that is me.

So to all my readers hit me up and tell your friends to read this blog. Soon I will be back on youtube.com

It's Just Cheating

Cheating, it is a touchy subject that every relationship has to deal with in one of many ways. Gays tend to have the odds against them and have tried to deal with it as best we can. There are open relationships, forgiven constant infidelity, or rules set in place so that if someone is unfaithful there is a realm in which forgiveness must be granted.

Infidelity is typically discussed at some point in any relationship to let both parties know that they have gotten to the point of exclusivity. What defines cheating is how we define being exclusive. Some think of sex as a non essential in a relationship, some will say, “define the sex and you define the relationship” while others say it is all about how you look at sex. There is also the cop out of saying, you make love to your partner and have sex with everyone else.

I am not here to tell you what is or is not cheating just to tell you that cheating is not always about sex. And you would be shocked at how people can cheat.

Cheating, as the majority sees it, occurs when ever a person who is involved with another person emotionally and physically and has agreed that they share an exclusive bond. Then that person goes to another person for something that is supposed to be filled exclusively by that exclusive bond. I know how Webster of me.

According to this definition flirting, kissing, dirty dancing, romantic gifts, sex in all forms, and deep emotional conversations can be construed as cheating if they are part of you exclusive bond. However the only two people that can determine which are exclusive and which are not are the parties involved.

Sometimes a relationship is strictly emotional and the act of having sex with other partners does not infringe upon that, if said sex remains emotionless and animalistic. Typically cheating hits home on almost all levels weather you are gay or straight, when emotions are involved.  Sex is just sex, a kiss is just a kiss, and dancing is just dancing. How do you know when it is more, the unfortunate part is the only person who ever really knows is the person doing the cheating and sometimes the person they are cheating with.

Emotional cheating is the reality of knowing it was honestly a onetime thing, but in your heart and mind you allow it to repeat with the hope that it could happen again. Your heart races when you think about their touch and you smile when you think about how the act made you feel. Not to say if this defines cheating but when things get emotional that is when they typically get dangerous.

As odd as it may seem, at some point your partner and you need to talk this all out so that there are no surprises. And even still while sex may be the hard defined line of cheating in most relationships and others may be included, those that are not defined as line crossing may fall into a grey area and that is when you have to define what is unacceptable for you to do.

Cheating can also happen on a personal level, many of us set boundaries for ourselves. We make personal promises and swear we will never do such and such in hopes that it will prevent an unpleasant situation.  I think this is the best way to prevent cheating. If you cheat in a relationship and things end, the blame can be interpreted in many ways, but if you go out of the personal boundaries you set for yourself then you have no one to blame except you. So think about you and the man of your dreams. What would you say is ok for him to do, then apply that to yourself? Think about it, if you prepare yourself to treat him as you want to be treated then the ground rules are already set and cheating will really be cheating. No grey area to be interpreted.

Heteronormatives - It Boils Down.

When it comes to men cohabitating I think it’s simple, wait. Moving in right away is almost never good for any relationship. Make sure you know and understand your partners rhythm before you move in. discuss how you clean and keep things. Discuss the importance in time apart and morning and evening habits. It’s great if you can spend random weeknights and weekends together this will help. But note if you fight about how the other treats your stuff and keeps his place, fix it before you move in. also it’s a good idea to make sure you are equally invested in your home and that you BOTH think of it as home. If one is constantly trying to make it a home and the other just sees it a place there will be issues. If one owns and the other is just there, there might be resentment.

I am talking from experience and having talked to friends who have dealt with all the included issues mentioned in this series I know that men can live together if the proper precautions are taken.

I like my space, my independence, I make no exceptions to my rules, and my clothes are mine and mine alone I do not share. My computer is mine it contains my life and that is sacred. My cooking instruments and cookbooks are just as sacred. These things are mine and I do not share them they are what make me happy and if am asked to share and I say no everyone should understand and if they don’t like it, you can deal with it or not deal with me.

It is important to have separate identities in a relationship, when one attaches to the other and EVERYTHING is shared then the sex dwindles, cheating occurs, and the relationship collapses.

I am no expert in inner working of all gay relationships I learn via trial and error, surveying friends, and even a little research via the web and books. So takes this advice knowing that there are exceptions to every rule because all people are different and a relationships dynamic can change at any moment.  

Heteronormatives - Its Dynamic

The difference between a bottom and a woman is it is far simpler to figure out how to please a bottom and it is easier to keep him happy. A bottom will tell you what makes him happy and how you should do it, the bottom will tell you how the house should be cleaned, he will tell you what presents he wants, his favorite color, his favorite sexual position. A bottom will tell you several times until, time is up and he is fed up, the bottom is tired of talking to someone who doesn’t listen. When the bottom knows everything about you and you are still learning that’s when the red flags has been raised. When you know for a fact you are not doing what is being asked of you, red flag. When you are not getting laid on a regular basis, it’s a red flag. When the bottom just doesn’t seem to care about your feelings, you might want to throw in the towel.

How can you fix this? Well start doing what is asked of you, a bottom will return in kind?  If the bottom ask you to put things back a certain way, he will clean the house. When cohabitating it is tit for tat and his tat is dependent on your tit.

Bottoms run the show and there is nothing anyone can do to change it as Phil said it’s a hetero-normative.  I find it interesting how a Top will act like he runs the show and when sex starts dwindling wonder why. If you are a top and you are in the role of “the Male” meaning you have assumed the masculine roll you must remember you are still dating a man, men like space, independence, respect, and signs that they are loved. Paying the bills don’t count, showing them that you listen and respect will get you major points and a bottom who has a man who shows he is not perfect but tries will always have a loyal bottom.

Heteronormatives - Sex

You can tell a lot about a relationship by how often two people are intimate. If there is lots of sex going on then things are going great or there is one happy bottom. When things are bad then there should be fear in the relationship.

I recently met a couple that has not had sex in three weeks. They were beginning to feel like roommates versus lovers. Among gays there are what can be called hetero-normatives, things such as the bottom representing the feminine and the top representing the masculine.

The bottom role is typically that which we associate with the woman in heterosexual relationships. The bottom is the one who associates sex with love and closeness while the top just likes the act all in itself. The bottom has to invest more into the sexual act because so much is required on their part, cleaning, moisturizing, trust, internal work.

Sex is easier for some bottoms than others, but there is always work involved. A total bottom has to make accommodations for something that is not very easy, turning a one way street into a two way highway. There is mussel retraining and flexing and forcing the body to go against normal impulses. This for many bottoms while enjoyable can be hard work and laying there is not JUST lying there. Then just when one has adjusted to the very basic of the act there tricks that now must be learned such as applying what we learned to different  positions. A top just has to thrust and get as much friction so that he may cum. While a bottom has to balance, muscle work, ignoring reflexes, pleasing his top and trying to get pleasure his self. It’s a lot of work to do when you are NOT in the mood.

Recently I was part of a conversation where some secrets were tossed to Mr. MeTo about the dynamics of a hetero-normative relationship.

The bottom runs the show, a pissed bottom gives no sex, and happy bottom can’t get enough sex. The happier the bottom the more sex the top will get. It is simple math and it would seem the more masculine the top the less they seem to want to try and fix it.

Heteronormatives - P1

Over the years I have talked too many of my gay male friends about failed relationships and it would seem that moving in together is a real game changer. It is one of the things that proves to be completely different among gay men than heterosexual couples and lesbians. Lesbians are known for moving fast and cohabitating together relatively well. Heterosexuals it’s typically a 50/50 chance that it will work or fail. It leaves one to believe that the problem lies with men in general.

Men are by nature territorial, we like our own everything we share only with those we deem worthy and many times it comes with stipulations. For example a man will allow his friends to come to his house and watch the game but they have to be out at a certain time and they can only touch certain things. Women tend to be more ready to share completely. They will share clothes, makeup, beauty products, or even allow a friend to crash a few days. (Don’t worry I understand there are exceptions to every rule and generalization.)

  

Men are less willing to share any garment of clothing. We may share with our son or some other person we feel we have a responsibility to protect but as for the independent we want to share nothing more than time and maybe a good conversation.

Things get strange among gay men. We share with our best buds long before we share with anyone else. We understand the necessity in sharing and that the day will come when we need to borrow and so in all actuality it is selfish. My friend Phil and I are willing to share but we are both hesitant to actually borrow from one another not that we are scared but because we understand the strings that come attached. If I borrow from Phil I will have to worry about messing up whatever I borrow and if I do mess it up it must be replaced, there is no such thing as worry free borrowing among gay men.

When it comes to the point where everything is shared it doesn’t matter who we are sharing with, our territory is no longer our own and that infringes on how we identify ourselves. As I said before men only share certain things.

I will not share my cookbooks, my laptop, or my clothes, these are the thing I uses to identify and express myself, however when living with someone clothes get shared and boundaries are crossed all the time by accident.

I like my whites to stay white but in a relationship where the other person doesn’t care about such things it can get stressful. So how does one overcome the woes of cohabitation? How do you get two territorial males who are unwilling to share everything to happily get along? Is it possible for two extreme opposites to agree on living situations happily? If I had these answers I would share them with you.  

The difference between a bottom and a woman is it is far simpler to figure out how to please a bottom and it is easier to keep him happy. A bottom will tell you what makes him happy and how you should do it, the bottom will tell you how the house should be cleaned, he will tell you what presents he wants, his favorite color, his favorite sexual position. A bottom will tell you several times until time is up and the bottom is tired of talking to someone who doesn’t listen. When the bottom knows everything about you and you are still learning that’s when red flags should be raised. When you know for a fact you are not doing what is being asked of you, red flag. When you are not getting laid on a regular basis, it’s a red flag. When the bottom just dosent seems to care about your feelings, you might want to throw in the towel.

How can you fix this well start doing what is asked of you, a bottom will return in kind?  If the bottom ask you to put things back a certain way, he will clean the house. When cohabitating it is tit for tat and his tat is dependent on your tit.

Bottoms run the show and there is nothing anyone can do to change it as Phil said it’s a hetero-normative.  I find it interesting how a Top will act like he runs the show and when sex dwindles wonders why. If you are a top and you are in the role of “the Male” meaning you pay the bills and provide all the basics you must remember you are still dating a man, men like space, independence, respect, and signs that they are loved. Paying the bills don’t count, showing them that you listen and respect will get you major points and a bottom who has a man who shows he is not perfect but tries will always have a loyal bottom.

The Ex File

There is nothing more exhilarating then when you wake up and find you are in a new relationship. Everything is new and the smallest of things can give you butterflies. Going to the movies seem like a new adventure. Dinner, the mall, flowers even the club all seem to be new and different places. You find yourself day dreaming where it might go. You try not to make it obvious that you want this to be your last relationship. All the while you are just happy and things are great.

That is until one tiny thought crosses your mind, the ex. Weather he is in a different state or same state they always find away to work their way into your relationship. Now you are faced with questions. Am I ready? Will my ex and I work things out, are we destined to be friends, will I make the same mistakes, is this guy just like the last one? They now consume you and if you’re lucky you call your friends and they all remind you how bad things were and how great things are now.

Why do our exes have so much power in our lives? Like a dessert that is really bad for you but tasted so good it sticks with you long after you have moved on to more healthy things.

I don’t know any relationship that has not dealt with the Ex files. The major question is, what do we do when the Ex File is placed on our desk to deal with, what is the best way to close the case?

The 2011 Holiday Season

For years I have longed to be on my own and form my own traditions. I never wanted to cut my family out of my life I just wanted to be on my own and have first and final say when it came to my life. As the years past and I got older life just seemed to become more and more mundane there was less and less I could look forward to. I used to get so excited when the holidays rolled around. I would get to see all my cousins, and my aunts and uncles and many years even my father. It was great, a day full of people who loved each other. There was gift giving, and eating but my favorite part was the laughs.

So much of the year was broken promises and next to no surprises that were good but come Christmas running down stairs to see what gifts my sister and I got was never a letdown. As I got older I got to experience the excitement  of going shopping for those I loved and the joy of watching them rip into their present to see the gift that I got for them. It meant more to me to give an appreciated present than to get one. I loved it when my mom and sister gave me a gift they were excited about. It never mattered what they gave just that they were excited to give me something. That look of anticipation on their faces. It meant the world to me and I enjoyed returning the same.

As I got older the presents became less and less and before long my mother didn’t even bother asking my sister and me what we wanted. My aunts and uncle stopped buying all their nieces and nephews presents. My cousins would decide to show some years and not others. Then my uncle began playing favorites and would only buy two of his four nieces presents. No one got excited for the holidays any more.  I would try to build up hype but it was always shot down with disappointment.

There were some years that my mom and grandmother didn’t feel like decorating. My sister and I would pull everything from my mom’s attic and I would do most of the decorating. It became depressing.

The year finally came that I had my own place. I was excited because it was all mine and I could decorate as I saw fit. I bought the best I could afford which was not that great but it was mine. I then got people at my new job excited and we decorated, it then became tradition for me to come in during the weekend and make it look all special. It was always appreciated. That year my job was the one who made my Christmas special and to this day I remember it fondly. My family on the other hand was boring. It would appear that as I got older my mother’s family just lost the love for the season and my father’s family knew the true meaning.

I would rush to my father’s mother’s house and we would tell jokes, I would hear stories of Christmases before I was born, we would eat a great Christmas feast and if there were presents they got opened but they were never the focus. In this grandparent’s house it was all about being together and sharing the greatest gift of all, love.

I latter went through some trying times and did not get to decorate for two years but I still had Grandma B’s.

Latter I moved in with my boy friend and I showed him my decorating skills. As he is Jewish I decorated the dining room for Hanukkah and I put the tree and other Christmas things in the living room. When Hanukkah was over I changed the dining room to match Christmas. My roommates loved it and my boyfriend’s family enjoyed it to.

This year is kind of said yet again, I am no longer with my Boyfriend and don’t have his family to celebrate with. My Father’s family is all struggling with various things and all my Christmas and Hanukkah stuff is in storage in New Jersey. I was going to get my friends together to make Christmas cookies but that looks like it’s not going to happen.

So this Christmas I am not buying presents and I am not asking for anything. I am just going to see how it all plays out. After all I am planning to become a Jew.

Soulmate - Natasha Bedingfield

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'Cause someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do, you're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Lovable is already in my life?
Right in front of me or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit?
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/n/natasha-bedingfield-lyrics/soulmate-lyrics.html ]
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Oh, somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

It's Just All "Black"

I am not sure how to say what I want to say. I am depressed, have been for awhile and I did a good job of hiding it. I feel like life is fair but I just keep making bad choices. People try to tell me how to fix my life and the advice never seems to work. I can get and keep a decent job, I can go to school and get decent grades but men and apartments are a sad sad state of affairs for me. Tonight I contemplated suicide seriously for the first time since the sixth grade. I have no idea what stopped me, maybe sher exhaustion or the idea that I lack the necessary tools to do so. I have no cleaning supplies, knives, a gun or even medications such as Tylenol or aspirin. I sat in my bathroom wondering, how nice it would be to just run a bath and cut my wrist. I live alone in a shit hole so it would be days before anyone would think to go searching, the sad part is I have no razors and there is no Wawa or Walgreen's or anything of that nature near by.

What brought this all on you may wonder. Well when you have your heart torn to shreds by people like my mother, JR, and even MeTo you get to the point where your are just like “Fuck it.”

I make friends but karma works it out so that at times like these they are unreachable. Every guy I date always get the test and they all fail. Non of them want me as a friend just a Boyfriend or fiancée. How do you have a lasting relationship with someone who would not choose you as a friend? The answer is you cant. The easiest test is if you call things off and they keep you at a distance or shut you out then you know.

I never shut people out, you want in my life its easy just be kind and there for me because thats what I do for you. MeTo claims he wants me back but has made no REAL effort at friendship I feel he is so far away even after I told him how I really feel about us.

There is so much pain and no one is ever there to listen when I NEED to express it. So I go thorough life hiding it making short references in hopes someone may actually take an interest and they is always only ever one, the same one.

I wish I could cry but my eyes refuse to water my throat gets tight and I am forced to deal in other ways, vomiting, stop eating, smoking, excessive drinking, and sometimes sex. I am fully aways what I am doing, having a good time until life gets better or I simply die weatherer by accident or design.  

Happy Thanksgiving

From Vixc B to all my Readers . . .

Love you and I am thankful for you all.

Two Sides of One

Every coin has two sides and it would seem the same holds true for people. When you take a guy like me, at first I seem like this party boy but on the other hand I seem like the perfect homebody.

When I lived with my Fiancée in Jersey I was a doting house husband. I got pleasure out of cooking, cleaning, crocheting, baking, sewing and having get-togethers. However there was a part that was missing, it was a major part that ultimately made me call things off with my fiancée. I was and am a social butterfly, I need to be able to go out and meet new people and have a good time with friends.

Well I moved back to Philly in hopes of becoming the person I once was and before I knew it I realized I was unhappy. While going out on the regular and living like most gay men there was something missing. I could not bake, cook or do any of the other things I liked to do when I was in NJ. It was sad when I realized one day I had the desire to sew something and couldn't because I did not have the room.

So here I am again trying to figure out how to make my life work. This time I know who I am and what I require I just have to get it.  

Vixc-B

It is amazing how quickly you can lose yourself. It is even more amazing when trying to figure out how you want to change you forget who you are and where you come from.

In the past 4 years I have been a lot of different people and lived in a few different places, each guy I date is more different than the last and I have had many different jobs.

When I look back at that 21 year old who just came out of the closet, I am comforted and scared. When I was 21 I swore I would never wear makeup, wear girls clothing, sleep around, or live my life for my man.

Well looks like I broke all my promises. I learned so much in the past few years. I learned how to put makeup on and still look like a boy. I learned how to wear girls clothes and look like a boy. While I have had a few partners no one can really call me a whore. Even when I was with MeTo I didnt really live my life for him but I did make some sacrifices that I should not have made.

Now here I am at 25 and trying to find out, “Who is Vixc B?” the comforting part about this is I have found that every friend I have is friends with me for the same reason, they have told me I am funny, creative, stylish, caring, honest and simply fun to be around. Well not much has changed since 21.

Now I have gained a few skills, Dancing, Crocheting, Cooking, Baking, Style, I know how to throw a hell of a party. I could not do any of the preceding when I came out the closet except maybe dance. In the acquisition of my skills and talents, the places I was in and the people I was with it seemed that I was loosing myself and adjusting to my environment. Well the funny part in all of this, Is that the other day I had the desire to sew something, then to bake something, I thought about sitting down to crochet and I realized that I learned all of the things I learned because when I wanted to learn as I child it was denied to me, now as an adult I had the means to learn and I did it.

The me at 21 was a deprived person, the person I am now is the person I was always ment to be. I am learning how to love me, the past, present, and future. I enjoy learning and I know what I want to learn and I am learning it. I set a plan and things are falling into place. I should relax and stop trying to make things happen because my friends like Vixc B and I like Vixc-B and I have had love and some day a real Man will love Vixc-B Romantically and deeply as someone should be loved.

Now to just quit smoking.  

The Perfect "Gay." Part One

The gays are known for many things and in the things the gays are known for I would say maintaining an air of perfection at all times is the most famous. Among perfection we must be creative, handy, stylish, good dancers, well groomed, have disposable income, know how to have a good time, the best places to eat and decent jobs that keep our perfect lives well funded. The gays are also known for stylish parties and superb taste in music. With this stereotype or gross exaggeration it makes it a little difficult to be a perfect gay.

Many of the gay men that I have met are lucky to have two or more from the for mentioned list. I know poor gays, I know plenty with no style or fashion since, there are those with no jobs yet alone credit cards and more than most have jobs and apartments they hate because well they are not those of the perfect gay.

So what can gay men do? It would seem that if your not a perfect gay then your free time should be spent trying to become the perfect gay. This I must admit would seem to be the case with all my gay friends. Some of us are in school and others are scheming to find fame and fortune. We take the cards we have and are trying to make the most of them. Weather its taking a cheep apartment and decorating it in such a manor that it just sparkles a gleams or take the little bit of money we have and stretch the hell out of it by bargain hunting and mixing big labels with Walmart and Target to create a style that is our own and makes people think we know where to find one of a kind items.

I am not saying there is any one to blame for this image of gays to be quite honest in this time where its becoming more and more accepting to be who you are we gays are our own worst enemy. We judge each other and sometimes say and do things to make our brethren feel small so we can feel big. In turn they pay it forward so it is always going around to the point that each gay feels they have to out do the other weather it is with a better job, hot boyfriend or boyfriends, better style or more expensive clothes or by whom they know.

To be quite honest I would like to have it all and I am working towards it. I want the expensive stylish wardrobe, the large house with room to entertain, lavish vacations and a dreamy husband to boot. I want to know the who’s who and have a place in society as “So and So.” To be honest we gays simply took the American dream and made it our own in such a way that its ultimate, we want it and demand it of all those in and near our circle. A gay man rather hate a guy because he has something he doesn't than to hate a guy because the other is just plane mean.

The gays are also known for their flair for drama.  

OK, Yes, I am Flawed.

My heart has always gotten me in the most trouble. My love for my friends and family has allowed me to take the fall for things we all did or things that I knew about but felt they should not get in trouble for. Growing up I tried to take the burden off my mother simply because I didn't want to see her stressed.

As an adult my fear in becoming a gay stereotype has a allowed myself to fall for guys that I had no business falling for. Mr. M, Mr. MeTo, and most recently JR. I have had plenty of boyfriends but I always go for the ones who seem like they don't care. With the exception of MeTo and Chris, every guy I dated used me then tossed me aside. Sure there were those two week-ers that I saw no potential in but can I really be held accountable by karma and fate? Thats the reason you date to see if there is compatibility. I never lied to a guy and I never intentionally lead them on.

So then why do I keep falling for the REALLY wrong guys? Is it timing? I was told by M that I should take time being single which was the goal but the other night he pointed something out that I thought no one else noticed and I hopped no one else noticed. He told me that when I get into a relationship I lose myself, I conform and give in more than compromise. It was that major reason that I called things off with Dr. MeTo. I felt and still feel that if I don't stay true to me first, then I can not stay true to someone who is more than friends. Which would explain why I cheated on him. Sure with MeTo I became a different person that everyone liked but I felt like I was acting most days and it made me sad.

So now here I am single with no potentials. I have decided to swear of sex and I am not looking for a boyfriend or a guy to give me a good time. I would like to surround myself with friends and make some awesome memories.

Recently I tried to change for myself and I realized that I need not become a new person but take the several different people that I have been over the past 4 years and meld them into the Victor I like and love. I used to be known for my love a checker prints and now its sparkle. I used to be the life of the party then I simply became the host, I have a style that is all my own and I used to have no real style. So yeah I am a bit of a Carrie Bradshaw.

Sure I don't have a Mr. Big and to be honest I hate heartache just as much as I hate gamers, lairs, and unnecessary drama. So here is my list of things to work on.

My flaws

I have a fear of being hurt

I trust the wrong people

I always learn the hard way despite what ever warnings I get.

I back down when I should stand my ground

I am stubborn when I should be laid back

I give my heart to easily

I can take a joke to far

I am vindictive

I wear my emotions on my sleeve

I try to please the wrong people

I don't know how to express my emotions or when I have an issue

I don't know how to ask for help   

New Me

	Luciana - I'm Still Hot .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

What Am I Not Seeing

So it has been a crazy time with MeTo and I trying to figure the friend thing out, planning a sudden move, dealing with school, bills catching up, new job, new and old friends and the clash. I think maybe a recap is an order.

So its well known that I am in school for Culinary Arts and that my dream is to one day have my own bakery cafe. So I had no idea how much extra Books, supplies, and uniforms cost. I was hopping to have financial aid to pay for it all but an oversight on the part of an individual at my school cause me to have to wait. In the short version JR tried to comfort me and it was a good effort but I still became depressed and MeTo lent me the money to go to school. Then LAB lent me 310 for books and supplies and my buddy Matt gave me 100 as a gift. I just made it.

Then I decided I had had enough of Starbucks and all their bull shit and began looking for another job. I made the information known to customers and may began giving me their contact info to be a reference. However it was one customer in particular whom we will call Nate, told me to try his job at Serifina. Serifina is an Italian restaurant with a bakery cafe attached, Nate thought I would be better off there as a barista then at Starbucks, and so I went it. Little did I know that my recommendation was so high that the interview process was such a formality that I I was simply told to call back and get my training schedule.

I was so excited but when I sent JR the text saying I was in school and had a new job it was a few days b4 he hit me up. For some reason no matter what I tried he was distant. I focused on school and work and before I knew it I was not leaving Starbucks. So I had two jobs and more responsibility. But the sad part was the guy I was now ready to start dating was distant so I cut him out.

Then I get a text from him telling me he lost his job so I tried to be there for him and tried to call to talk to him and it was at the point everything we ever sad was now via text, when we used to talk at least every other day. This went on until I got a text from him saying he was seeing someone else. He was quite cold and did not show any concern for my feelings. My friends told me to just let it go.

Before I knew it I was smoking more than I ever did before, drinking more than I ever did before and eating less, some days I even vomited what little I drank. Everything was crashing down. I had to find a new place to live and the potential new roommates were all acting like ass holes. So I shut the world out. Thats when I saw who my rel friends were, Icon and Ivan. When ever I saw them they would sympathize with me and sometimes simply listen. They were there for me and they were concerned. It was see this that made me want to change a few things.

I decided to, quit smoking, do a detox get to my goal weight and then start working out. Of coarse having just been jilted I changed my hair too. I also decided to hold off on dating and get my mind and heart right along with my body.

A major player in all of this was Mr M. it was he that I called the night JR sent me those text and it was he that was there when I knew everyone else was at work or dealing with other things. We commiserated, advised and even pointed out some major flaws and one of mine that he pointed out that I hoped no one else saw, when I am in a relationship I conform instead of compromising. I try to be the person I think they want and not myself. Looks like M is a good friend who is willing to point out my flaws. 

The Parade of Exes

  

When I moved back to Philly it was the same thing, catching up with old friends. This included exes, the one ex that always remained like a Canadian quarter was of course Louise and from Louise there was Alex and then Raymone and of course Damien.

Damien and I tried to give it a go recently and cleared the air about the past; however he was still a poor kisser and did not choose he words wisely. There was the night we made plans to meet up and I told him I could not make it because I was not feeling well, His response, “Ok ttyl.”

“Really,” I thought. How can you say you like someone that you have known for 5 years and when they tell you they are not feeling well just give them that? He could have at least said, “Oh that sucks, hope you feel better soon, call you tomorrow.” I think that sounds like someone who cares.

After Damien I realized that it was time to clean out the closet. My standards in men had become greatly higher. I was engaged to a Jewish doctor for heaven's sakes. Louis decided to end our friendship and I deleted Damien from my phone, along with Alex and Mr. M.

When I moved back, Mr. M and I we were talking on the regular, we were officially long distance friends. But he then made a trip to Philly and did not tell me. I just happened to ask what he was doing the night he got in town. He was here for a week and I tried to meet up with him but he stopped returning text and calls so I erased him. I knew if I was going to move on in life I had to let go of baggage that was weighting me down.

Raymone and I parted as friends he had his new boy toy and I had almost no respect for him anymore so it was the best thing for us.

After I called things off with Dr. MeTo it took a month, but nights started getting lonely and with the fall fast approaching, cold too. So I knew of an ex that I hoped would have gotten better with age, The Reverend. We dated back when I was 20 and in the closet and he claims I kicked him to the curb but we remained distant friends.

Most recently we began talking via Facebook and decided to hook up. From the moment he called me I knew it was a bad idea. He had the impression that my night would go on pause since I made plans with him. He got angry when I didn’t respond to his text because I was on the phone. Then he got angry when I decided to go to Walgreens for a snack and water.

When we got back to my place he began trying to assert that he still wanted me and felt he had a claim. I   politely put him in his place. We showered and got in bed and what should have been a pleasant walk down memory lane turned into a visit to the doctor’s office.

There were so many questions and once he got started it was uncomfortable and just downright sloppy. I almost told him to, “Get the hell off me.” but I maintained composure and watched to see how he would handle himself. Needless to say it was a party so I came but it was still a bad party.

Loneliness will make you do some stupid things. While M was no longer in my phone he was still on my Facebook and one night like I dummy I decided to post on his wall, “Hi.” The next day I got a text and thus started a reconnection.

Mr. M, I have a feeling there is something I am not seeing.

Rough

Life always gets good and right when you get used to things, BAM you are quickly reminded that things can go from bad to worse just as fast as they can go from good to great.

I had decided to look for a new job and told a few customers at Starbucks that I was on the search. I was then told that a restaurant not far from my current job was hiring. I went in to drop off my resume and before I knew it I had a new job. The restaurant is Serafina and they have a bakery cafe and need another Barista, how perfect.

I then typed my two weeks and dropped it off at Starbucks. I was just given the job of Communications Specialist in an attempt to keep me on, but this was a dream job, to work in a bakery cafe and learn all about the type of business I wanted to eventually own. I was on cloud nine and before I knew it my boss at Starbucks convinced me to stay for one or two days a week. That works out, this way I get my benefits from Starbucks.

Just when I thought I had a hold on everything my financial aid check came in the mail, time to start looking seriously for an apartment. A few of us from 16^th Walnut decided to move in together and thats where my drama started.

JR had been playing the, “I am bizzy” game, looking for jobs, social obligations and all that jazz. One night I saw him at his favorite spot and he avoided me. So I left and texed him, he told me he did not see me and that he would have said hello if he had. I asked him for the 10^th time to level with me and he told me he just started seeing someone else. I was shocked to see that I was hurt deeply. I just got Jilted.

The next week was rough I stopped eating and there was a lot of throwing up. The apartment search gave me no avail two crappy places and my roommates to be were not paying attention to the important stuff like cost of utilities and lack of storage. Then one of them backed out suddenly. So we were down to four.

I tried to get in touch with Jaiye and nothing, my other best friend acted like she didn't care. My current roommates were pressuring me to move and with starting a new job and dealing with school, I began smoking like a chimney and drinking like a fish. It got so bad that one day while at Starbucks I took my ten to have a drink.

I began praying and asking G-d to just make it stop, heal my heart and show me an awesome affordable apartment I can afford.

One night I was venting to my friend Icon and he suggested that I hang with him and Ivan. So I did and it was a hell of a night and before I knew it, it was a regular thing. It was us three and we loved every second we spent together at work and outside of work. I had hung out with them before and had a good time and considered them friends but now they became best friends.

My heart still hurts a little and I am still in the same south Philly apartment but that is going to change soon.  

A Gay Affair, but One to Remember?

It would seem that gay men are incapable of having a romantic affair. They find a gay man willing to have sex with them, the do the deed and then for one reason or another they never see each other again or things just end.

Most recently I decided to let my hair down and had an affair with a coworker. I felt that it was OK because this person had put their two weeks in and was moving to a state that I planned never to visit without a good reason. We had been joking sexually since the day we met and I never took him serious until the day after I spent the night.

I wanted to see if there was any seriousness to his jokes, so I went to his place and we talked, watched a movie and then he gave me some shorts to sleep in. I had not planned to spend the night but after I thought about it, it was much safer for me to stay.

He was nice and the type of guy who was a gentleman, a dying breed. We slept with space between us and I was wondering if he would make a move but he did not. The morning I left I got a text saying something along the lines that the next time we were going to get sexual, I took it to be half a joke.

A few days later I went to his house and it was the same routine except this time there were no shorts and my underwear were way to skimpy. He then joked about me kissing him, so I kissed him to see what he would do and before I knew it I was naked and singing my favorite song.

Things did not get awkward and we did a good job of hiding what happened. We went to karaoke and that night it was better than the first. We both were shocked, I always thought I was just OK and he thought the same about himself but we told each other other wise.

I did not got to work to see him his last day. We did bump into each other his last day in the city and we joked and chatted like before. It was a rainy day and he was going to meet a friend and I was going home to do laundry. This is the part there would be some romantic ending but there is not. I gave him change for a five so he could catch the bus and we parted ways.

This was not my first affair of this nature, I meet a guy and it turns out to be just sex. Yeah I like to call it an affair when we connect on a level that is not just sex but not a relationship. This was maybe the second guy this has happened with. But the trend is the same it just ends, no romantic cliche last time before they move which is typically the case.

To be honest I wish this one had ended with a little romance some tribute to the fact that we connected as friends as well as lovers. In stead it just . . .

Am I Character?

Back when I first came out many of my friends would play the game, “Which one are you.” the game where you take a show that you know well and decide who in your group is the same as in the TV show's group. We would do, Desperate Housewives, Noah's Arc, and of course, Sex and the City.

I used to love to write and was a bit of a hopeless Romantic so because of my looks and innocent hope to find true love I was always voted to be Noah. Also Because I loved to write and was not as out there as some people but more open than others I was always Carrie. As time went on my friends enjoyed pointing out how I was such a Carrie. There was just one thing, I did not have a MR. Big.

It would seem that almost all gay men have a Mr. Big, that guy that they date on and off because they are to perfect for each other and don't want to admit it. While I carried a flame for Mr. M we did not fit the Carrie & Big pattern.

The day came when I fell in love with someone else and we got engaged and once again the Carrie reference was made. I got to my moms and was quite ill my sister told me to take the ring off before I threw up like Carrie. I was in such shock that she said it because I was secretly thinking it. I was not a fan of the ring and the thought of marriage had always been just that, a thought. With Mr. M on the west coast and out of my life Mr. MeTo kept looking more and more like Aidan. Right down to the love of simplicity, the country and working with his hands.

I began to think was I really a Carrie? It was not long before Mr. M was back in my life, via text. I began feeling trapped in my suburban life. It was here that I became Bree Van de Kamp. I became a “Domestic g-d.” I discovered the joys of baking, cooking, maintaining a clean home, hosting parties, decorating and all things domestic. The rolls in my life became blurred, I was Carrie mixed Charlot, or Bree mixed with Gabby. My head was spinning. Who was I any more? I went from wanting to be a model and writer to a chef and cookbook author.

The day came when I looked in my closet and saw that I still dressed like a party boy and so I went to a party. I had fun without my husband to be. I started to go to Philly again and found the old me waiting. I felt alive.

When I moved back I felt a bit of Samantha Jones come out and I went wild. I explored new aspect of my sexuality and before I knew it. It was the parade of the Exes. 

J.R. Big.

So I mentioned before about a guy I call JR who I thought was going to be an exception to the “J” rule. As it would turn out he was not. There a several types of men in the world, the ones who do anything to have you, the ones who will play games to get you, the ones who don't want you and the ones who only want you when they cant have you.Damien, Raymone and JR are the three men in my lfe that have proven to only want me when they cant have me.

I met JR while working at Starbucks and he was quite taken with me and once I was free he seemed to lose interest for various reasons. It went from hot nights alone to crazy nights with friends to me bringing him coffee to his job with nothing in return.

I met the majority of JR's friends and they all liked me, not just liked me but liked me for JR and all my friends that knew JR wanted us to get together. So I opened myself up. I even went to him one night totally stressed out and vented and he listened. There are few people in this world that I allow to see my vulnerable side, especially men. He saw it and acted like it was no big deal.

We finally went on a date and constantly he was telling my new BFF how much he liked me and did not want to loose me. She would advise him on how to woe me and sweep me off my feet and he would never do what it took. After awhile I got tired of always having to share him with everyone. He would ask me out and it would turn out to be me meeting his friends, buying myself a beer and then either going back to his place to sleep in a bed full of dog hair or taking a cab back to my place.

I began getting peeved, how could you say you want me and not even take me on a real date? This went on and on and I made myself less available. He became confused, one moment he wanted just friends, the next for us to be dating. He would call me babe as if to indicate we were more than friends.

Eventually I began dating other people in hopes that he would get his act together and while his mouth said it bothered him, his actions said he didn't care.

The last straw came when I told him I wanted to hang out. He sent me a text asking what I was doing and when I told I was just watching TV he chose not to respond. I then asked him to proof my resume and a week latter I was still hearing, “I will do it tomorrow.”

looks like this JR guy was one of those “Big Talkers.” he could not even be a real friend to me yet alone anything else and the worst part about it is we are friends on foursquare, so I get all his updates when he checks into his favorite bars. Not that I am stalking him but it really sucks to see he has time to bar hop but none for the guy he claims he wanted to put on a pedestal.