“Hey
(Vixc-B), how are things? I thought you should know… I am trying things out with
a guy I met recently. I hope you understand… and I’m sure u would allow
yourself to do the same if someone came along, right? J”
The last I heard from this person was that we should wipe
the slate of our past clean and work on giving us another chance. I was shocked
that someone who for months would not let me go and convinced me to say, Ok let
us work on repairing the damage, would do a 180 via text message.
It was not so much what he said but how he said it, via text
message. Did that mean he never wanted to get back together or was this all a
plan to hurt me? I would never know because he just disrespected me in the
ultimate way and did not bother to apologize. He had no idea how I was doing
and on top of the other bullshit in my life I was forced to deal with the drama
that is now or was Doctor MeTo.
I took my time about responding, something about him mailing
me my stuff but I soon realized that I did care that much for it and so I told
him:
“I am taking the time to except the fact that you
and I will never be. I also want you to know based on all of our history you
are the one ex I truly do not wish to remain friends with. Best of luck with
the future.”
To be honest not being friends with him is me saying I never
want to see or hear from him again. I then went and deleted him from my phone
and other parts of my life. I struggled to get ready for class that morning and
ended up being late despite the fact I work up at 2am.
I then went and had a chat with the reverend and he agreed
that a text message was a bad move and when my roommate came to pick me up from
class we got to talking about exes and current boyfriends. Her jaw dropped when
I got to the story of MeTo.
I decided since I was closing the chapter of my life that
contained MeTo I would work on M. I sent him a text as well but a bit more
friendly:
“Just wanted you to know that I have done a lot of
thinking. I have come to terms with the fact that you and I will never be. If
you would like to try being friends for real. I mean move past the whole ex
thing and never have sex again, I am all for it. “
He responded to tell me that was fine which means, it now
has to be tested. To move on amicably from one relationship was liberating, I still
however felt slightly numb and it was not until I talked to Mister Wonderful
that I began to feel like a human with respected emotions again.
My mother had pointed out that I seem to dream away my
grief. Every time a close person to me dies I dream about some situation where
they walk away. When my uncle passed I dreamt that we were having a party at my
grandmother’s house. My uncle was there and I knew that he should not have been
he walked around and made sure everyone was fine and never saying a word he
left.
The night of the text message I dreamt I was in prison and
it was the day of my release. My sister was coming to pick me up and I wanted
to look my best. I was shown my lockers and in them were a tone of close among
a few other things. I had a duffle bag, a suite case and a laundry basket. I packed
everything up, looked at my luggage and decided I only wanted to take one bag,
then I woke up.
I checked my phone to see if I got any text while I was
sleeping and a new friend of mine had told me he was working on a song before I
went to sleep, I asked what kind of song and he told me it was about someone he
used to date. My face smiled and my heart sank, because only one song came to
mind, “Put It In the 3rd Draw.”
MeTo wrote that song
for and about me during our honeymoon phase and would play it from time to time
around the house even after we were engaged. It is funny our relationship
started with such romance and while we had some drama for the past year I did
my best to treat him with the respect he deserved that honored what we shared
together. Now I was gathering all the things he gave me and all the memories we
shared and putting them in a draw in the basement of my heart because if a text
is how this all ends then it could have never of meant much.
A part of me keeps expecting a phone call or letter to
explain further, give some poetry to what we had, but I know I hope in vain. It
is hard moving on when the ending is so in just. A part of me wants revenge to
share all the secrets that he has told me, to mock him publicly, to make him
feel small and think that there is no way I could have ever cared but to do so
would make me evil and damage me like I allowed him to do once before.
Damage, that is the focus hear, the part that I am missing. While
I used to talk about Mister M and all the drama, he honestly never did anything
to hurt me intentionally. Looking back he tried to be as kind as he could but I
kept making it difficult setting myself up for hurt. As for MeTo he constantly proclaimed
undying love but dated other men or ignored me. That is not love that is
control and manipulation, I was a good back up for him and the person he called
when the single life got lonely and that is why things ended with a text.
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