That Perfect Love

Sex, Love, Money, Style, Status and friends. Most men will agree, there are some things you simply can’t live without. All your life you work hard so you can get a good job, that good job brings money, the money leads you to explore and then you find friends, your money and friends then bring good times and somewhere in all of the fun and good times you start dating. At some point you hope this dating will lead to the moment you can settle down and then you start to look for the perfect everything.

Young men soon realize that you need stuff to get more stuff. If you want sex you need the proper products to get noticed. The perfect wardrobe, the perfect group of friends, the perfect scent and hair style all get you several things. They get you more friends, which lead to more connections, more good times and more dates.

At the core of every man’s desires, even the gay ones, we just want sex, It’s true. We get the best car we can afford because a man with wheels is unrestricted about where he can go for a good time. We buy the most expensive clothes because a man in nice threads gets noticed over the guy wearing last season’s Wal Mart. We spend several hours picking out the right outfit, doing our hair, skin treatments, and nail treatments and working out to have a six pack because, every one finds it hard to resist a well put together man with a hot since of style.

Now if you add to that a nice car and amazing apartment you have a guy that is hard to get to settle. And why would he. He is the type of guy who goes out for sex and gets it, makes a call and like magic Mr Right Now arrives.

It is common knowledge that most men want this man more than they want to be that man, a guy with so much charm, charisma, style and money that life with them just seems easy. But this guy has everything he wants and falls into the taxi category of men. The sad part of this is we continually try to become this guy in our twenties and search for this guy. Soon before we know it we are 30 and the dicking time is done. At 30 gay men who sleep around and won’t settle tend to be looked to as sad.  Now not all gay men who are 30, single and out clubbing are losers, there are exceptions to every rule. But if you happen to be dating a 20-something and you’re not looking to act your age then yeah, looser.

The reason for all of this is that gay men waste so much time and we put so much emphasis on looks, age and money. Before we know it we are 25 thinking we are middle age and that we have to find Mr. Right, right now. I got news for you when it comes to love karma is truly a bitch. Never shun away a good guy that you have chemistry with because you want the “IDEAL” man.

Love is costumed made for different people and while your diamond may not come all cut and polished it doesn’t mean it will never be. Look for the potential and if you see it go for it. Don’t waste your time trying to mold or change someone if you don’t like who they are or where they are going don’t hop on that soon to be train wreck.

We all want the good life. We want to be like Carry Bradshaw. We want a style all our own that people envy, the Mr. Big and the dream house with the amazing closet that make all visitors jealous. I have learned that you should always try to get it for yourself and if what you want is different from that of others all the better, it makes finding love all the easier. It may take a while but when it comes you will know it. 

New Computer, Better Blog!

So I have been not blogging for a while for one major reason, my laptop turned on me. I am not sure why but it just refuses to work like it used to and it seems to have given up on life. It was an HP pavilion DV7. It was a huge 17in and I got it right after MeTo and I started dating.  I thought it was only fitting that he should help me with my next computer purchase. We both learned from our mistakes and I was initially planning to get a Mac Book but with careful thought I decided on a desk top. I convinced MeTo to go to HP.com and build me an inexpensive desktop that had room to grow and he did.

I am now the proud owner of an HP Pavilion HPE h8m. so far I like it and have no complaints. The cool part about a desktop versus a laptop is the custom ability.  By getting the basics when it came to monitor, keyboard, and ram but ensure that there was room from upgrade ability, I can always add a video card, get cool accessories and even get more ram. A laptop is typically what you get is what you got until you get a new one.

So I am back to being connected, I have several post I had been working on and I am making a more conscious effort to focus on the quality of my post as well as content. Here’s to my new computer I got with my student discount. My both my readers and I get enjoyment from it. 

New Beginnings

Work 

School is getting better as I am getting a hold on my time management. My first job has become more grief than anything else. I was cut back to only two days a week and so I had to find a second job. The new job is far better than I could have expected. My new boss honestly loves her job and enjoys all aspects of owning and operating a cafe. She however wants employees that she can trust and who will take charge.

My interview for my new job was longer than I had expected and I don't think any of us noticed the passage of time. We talked about my love of baking, and how I some day dream of having my own cafe. We talked in depth about how she chose her coffee, her teas and all the items she serves. I was fascinated and could have listened to here all day. I could see the love of here cafe on her face and could hear it in her voices. She spoke fondly about how the kids would come in before and after school to get a snack and it was clear it was the highlight of here day.

After we were finished talking I had to meet with her business partner and husband. He went on to ask me a few basic questions and to explain the job and hiring process in greater detail. Before I knew it we too were engrossed in conversation, speaking of my current job and a few of my past work experiences. After the interview I remember thinking on how that did not feel anything like an interview.

It was exactly one day before I got a call asking me to come in for a one week trial.. my first week flew by and in so I feel I gained a friend who has lots of knowledge to share.

A Baby Shower

My sister was charged with throwing here friend a baby shower. She was under a lot of stress and could not figure out where to begin. She had no help and my mother the professional pastry chef, and myself the party planning guru and culinary student, took pity and help her plan an amazing party.

The week of the party proved to be exceptionally stressful for me, with work, school and trying to manage relationships I was at the end of my energy. I decided to work some magic and got Saturday of from everything.

My plan was to spend Saturday with my ex whom I was trying to get back into a relationship with, and to relax. He was going to come over Friday night and stay until Sunday morning. unfortunately I was asked to come in for 2 hours on Saturday and that morning I was called in a panic to help with my sisters decorations as she was too short to do it alone. What should have been a relaxing morning was now full of frantic rushing around.

The Ex Is Back

I decided that of all the men I ever dated there was one I honestly could spend the rest of my life with and be more than happy. Every single person I dated was held to high standards that this person set and after trying to find a guy who who sweep me off me feet I decided to just marry the ruler.

I made every effort to show that everything I said to him was true and we decided to start dating again but with caution. We decided that once we were officially back together that was it. We would never break up again and so we had to be sure.

It was a few dates before he spent the night but once he did I felt better and better about the choice I made.

Before I knew it there were text and phone calls planning or possible future except this time there was an elephant in the room and it was job to say something. I had two test I had to pass, one I had to talk to my mother about how although I was back in Philly and we were talking I was still Vixc B and that was not going to change, the other I had to show I can express my concerns, fears, dislikes and be vulnerable.

All of this is a part of proving to my self and no one else that I can be in a mature adult relationship and that I have traded conforming for compromising.  

A Sad Night?

I am feeling depressed again, My emotions are out of whack tonight and I don't know what to do about it. No one to talk to tonight. think I will have a drink and go to bed.

And Now . . .

With life now being so different it is hard trying to determine what my new normal is. I want to get back with MeTo but we have some obstacles to overcome, it is hard to date because its feels like cheating. I live back in South Philly but it is in a much better area. I have the space to cook, bake, sew and crochet. School is beginning to take all my free time and work consumes the rest. My cash flow has gone down due to fewer hours at work and I have no computer as my laptop has died completely.

So what is one to do I have to use the comp lab at school to write my post and with little money I have to focus on bill management before anything else. I am not complaining I am quite happy with life for one major reason. While things may seem tough, they are only tough because things are moving along every day I get closer to my real friends and the people I need to leave alone are revealed. My understanding on my relationship with G-d deepens, MeTo and I are beginning to understand each other better, Mr. M and I are actual friends, I can see how to steer my present into the future I want.

My In-laws always told me to get what you want in the future you have to figure out what part of your present you are willing to sacrifice. And here I am sacrificing going out now so that I can do well in school, get a better job and be able to go out and have a better time when I am older.

I quit smoking for 2012 not because it is Bad or because I was worried about my health but because G-d has been so good to me I need to show him in all aspects that I appreciate it, by how I treat my body, my belongings and the people that he has placed in my life. It’s not easy doing the right thing, trying to please G-d but when you are doing your best you see it everywhere.

I am not overly religious and I make mistakes and I truly trying to make this year a good one.

A New Year For Ivan

Ivan told everyone that he had a big announcement for 2012 and none of us could guess what it was. It just so happened that it was such big news that when I was down he used it to take my mind off things. Ivan was leaving Starbucks. It may not seem like such a big deal at first but it goes to show that no one wants to stay at the 16^th walnut store. 

Ivan made it clear that it was because he wanted to focus on his studies this semester and we could not be anything but supportive. 

Ivan then got me into watching the show, The Walking Dead. I was never into zombies and according to him he never was either but low and behold here we were watching a show about zombies, obsessively. He then told me I should give Entourage another shot and nights of drinking and smoking were accompanied by us drooling over Ari Gold. 

Before I knew it school was starting back up and in true form dynamics were changing.

Icon Finds A Man

Smack dab in the middle of the holiday season my friend Icon went on a date. This date was to be a proper date following all the rules of good boys except for one; the date was at the guy’s house. Ivan and I were excited that Icon had a real date and gave him advice that only made him more at ease and excited to go on the date, advice such as, resist temptation to have sex and take things slow if you really like him. 

It would turn out that the guy Icon was going to see loved to cook and wanted to make Icon a romantic dinner. Icon later told us he played the night flawlessly except there was one little thing that he could not help but to do, he asked to see the man’s dick. 

Ivan and I were shocked that innocent Icon was so bold and that the guy had no qualms in obliging him. Icon was quite impressed and while it was tempting he did not have sex that evening.  

I Moved

Jaiye had invited me to have dinner at his new place in South Philly and I was impressed not only with the new digs but also how he managed house. Jaiye had really grown and I realized that I could live with him. 

Jaiye offered me to come live with him for a while, it was several fold. Jaiye hated seeing me living in uncomfortable situations and knew by me living with him I could be happy in a real home for a little while. Jaiye also wanted me to save a little money, by living with him and his boyfriend I would pay less rent than I was at the hell hole I was in. Finally they would have help paying rent until things picked back up in the summer. 

I discussed it with my most trusted advisor, Aunt LAB, and she agreed it was a good idea. In fact everyone I talked to thought It a great idea. So mid-January came about and I moved in.

Its funny I have made plans to throw things away and by making room in my life with less stuff, the stuff I need has been flowing in.

That Friend

The lucky ones of us know that lining up potentials is quite exhilarating. Your single and it is time to start dating. You have a plethora of men who are interested and you are on cloud nine going on dates, having long get to know you phone conversations and before you know it some guys are now just friends others you are not returning your calls and one lucky guy is talking about where things are going and before you know it you have a boyfriend. 

In the gay world there is no happily ever after, in fact in life period there is no happily ever after. There are always stipulations and little nuances that come and shake things up. Like the guy you were going to date and came close but decided friends were better.

Ah friends, in the indigo world friend is a term used loosely, we have to add so many adjectives to denote what kind of friend we are talking about. There are friends we slept with, friends we still sleep with, friends we go shopping with, friends that we only talk to online or on the phone, there are friends who we dated but never slept with and friends we didn’t sleep with until after we broke up with them. The list can go on and on and each one has different obligations, based on the circumstances in which we became friends. 

The thing about the friend we almost dated if we never sleep with them there remains that sexual tension. This tension we try to relieve with inappropriate jokes but it never helps. We find that although we are happy in our relationship we still want to have sex with this “friend.” We then start to think of them as our personal reserve. We keep them interested just enough that they won’t lose interest so when the moment our current relationship fails we can relieve that tension and possibly attempt for a happy ever after.

So Long “Fake” Friend

I had this friend I considered to be really close with but he seemed to get worse with age and not better. Many conversations were peppered with him regaling me with tales that shocked the hell out of me and caused me to worry. Being as he is gay, it mostly had to do with sex. 

He had decided to stop being friends with Jaiye after a 2 week living situation and before I knew it I felt as though I was being pushed away. 

My friend had plenty of time to go on dates and hang with other friends but when it came to me, someone he labeled “Best Friend.” No time weeks would go by and not so much as a text message and it took him forever to respond to voice mails and text. He would say he was busy with school but the moment I could catch him on the phone he was going out with “So and So.”

One day his ex and I were chatting via Facebook, it was an odd occurrence but it happened. We got to talking about my friend and I told him how things were going, my friend had told me he and his ex talked about everything and had become close friends so I figured he knew about his brushes with almost getting burned.  I told his ex how his behavior was affecting our relationship and the next day I got a text.

It is funny how no one has time for you until you give them a negative reason. All in all he made some accusations that made me throw up my hands and say, “Fuck It!” I decided to write him off.

New Toy

Today after talking to my Mom and Aunt I decided to get a Nook Tablet. So far I am happy with the purchase I just have to find a way to incorporate it into my work and school life to legitify the expense.

The New Year & Blogging

For the past few days I have not been up for writing. I have still been working on me and realized that there is a lot of areas that I needed to step my game up, particularly when it comes to work.

This past weekend MeTo came down for a visit and we talked about possible reconciliation. With all that had happened the past month it was something we needed to seriously look into. There were the obvious problems of our past that need could still resurface if we rushed things.

Before I was quite dependent on MeTo he was the bread winner and I was his emotional support when I was not dealing with the mess that I called my life. My life was not moving really and I seemed that I went backwards, I could not support myself if need be and I had no drivers license. Now I am at a point where I am progressing and to rush back into a relationship and move back to jersey would put me right back where I was as far as my financial situation.

After discussing all of this with MeTo it hit me like a tone of bricks that I could be doing better in my job and with school. I have gotten to a point where the status quo was OK as long as my bosses were happy and I could pay my bills. That is not the life I want for me now or ever. When I factor my faith in that is not the life G-d wants for me ever either. I am supposed to be at a place when I can afford my bills, afford to go out with friends and have a savings account that should constantly grow with each pay check.

How do I a student get to that point? It simple readjust my drive and motivation, examine my goals and my plan to achieve them and make a few sacrifices once in awhile.

So I have decided to get a second job, one that I can learn like I am supposed to and start saving money even if it is just a dollar from one paycheck. I have to realize that while many of my friends grew up with certain habits I did not I have to condition myself to save, forgo the unnecessary and be hungry for a life thats better than the one I have.

My health is on track and I am about to move to a real apartment with my best friend which will give me some time and the necessary comfort I need to work on my cookbook and practice my crafts. For my goal by the end of January is to have 10 new recipes and a second job if not a whole new one that pays more.