New Beginnings

Work 

School is getting better as I am getting a hold on my time management. My first job has become more grief than anything else. I was cut back to only two days a week and so I had to find a second job. The new job is far better than I could have expected. My new boss honestly loves her job and enjoys all aspects of owning and operating a cafe. She however wants employees that she can trust and who will take charge.

My interview for my new job was longer than I had expected and I don't think any of us noticed the passage of time. We talked about my love of baking, and how I some day dream of having my own cafe. We talked in depth about how she chose her coffee, her teas and all the items she serves. I was fascinated and could have listened to here all day. I could see the love of here cafe on her face and could hear it in her voices. She spoke fondly about how the kids would come in before and after school to get a snack and it was clear it was the highlight of here day.

After we were finished talking I had to meet with her business partner and husband. He went on to ask me a few basic questions and to explain the job and hiring process in greater detail. Before I knew it we too were engrossed in conversation, speaking of my current job and a few of my past work experiences. After the interview I remember thinking on how that did not feel anything like an interview.

It was exactly one day before I got a call asking me to come in for a one week trial.. my first week flew by and in so I feel I gained a friend who has lots of knowledge to share.

A Baby Shower

My sister was charged with throwing here friend a baby shower. She was under a lot of stress and could not figure out where to begin. She had no help and my mother the professional pastry chef, and myself the party planning guru and culinary student, took pity and help her plan an amazing party.

The week of the party proved to be exceptionally stressful for me, with work, school and trying to manage relationships I was at the end of my energy. I decided to work some magic and got Saturday of from everything.

My plan was to spend Saturday with my ex whom I was trying to get back into a relationship with, and to relax. He was going to come over Friday night and stay until Sunday morning. unfortunately I was asked to come in for 2 hours on Saturday and that morning I was called in a panic to help with my sisters decorations as she was too short to do it alone. What should have been a relaxing morning was now full of frantic rushing around.

The Ex Is Back

I decided that of all the men I ever dated there was one I honestly could spend the rest of my life with and be more than happy. Every single person I dated was held to high standards that this person set and after trying to find a guy who who sweep me off me feet I decided to just marry the ruler.

I made every effort to show that everything I said to him was true and we decided to start dating again but with caution. We decided that once we were officially back together that was it. We would never break up again and so we had to be sure.

It was a few dates before he spent the night but once he did I felt better and better about the choice I made.

Before I knew it there were text and phone calls planning or possible future except this time there was an elephant in the room and it was job to say something. I had two test I had to pass, one I had to talk to my mother about how although I was back in Philly and we were talking I was still Vixc B and that was not going to change, the other I had to show I can express my concerns, fears, dislikes and be vulnerable.

All of this is a part of proving to my self and no one else that I can be in a mature adult relationship and that I have traded conforming for compromising.  

A Sad Night?

I am feeling depressed again, My emotions are out of whack tonight and I don't know what to do about it. No one to talk to tonight. think I will have a drink and go to bed.

And Now . . .

With life now being so different it is hard trying to determine what my new normal is. I want to get back with MeTo but we have some obstacles to overcome, it is hard to date because its feels like cheating. I live back in South Philly but it is in a much better area. I have the space to cook, bake, sew and crochet. School is beginning to take all my free time and work consumes the rest. My cash flow has gone down due to fewer hours at work and I have no computer as my laptop has died completely.

So what is one to do I have to use the comp lab at school to write my post and with little money I have to focus on bill management before anything else. I am not complaining I am quite happy with life for one major reason. While things may seem tough, they are only tough because things are moving along every day I get closer to my real friends and the people I need to leave alone are revealed. My understanding on my relationship with G-d deepens, MeTo and I are beginning to understand each other better, Mr. M and I are actual friends, I can see how to steer my present into the future I want.

My In-laws always told me to get what you want in the future you have to figure out what part of your present you are willing to sacrifice. And here I am sacrificing going out now so that I can do well in school, get a better job and be able to go out and have a better time when I am older.

I quit smoking for 2012 not because it is Bad or because I was worried about my health but because G-d has been so good to me I need to show him in all aspects that I appreciate it, by how I treat my body, my belongings and the people that he has placed in my life. It’s not easy doing the right thing, trying to please G-d but when you are doing your best you see it everywhere.

I am not overly religious and I make mistakes and I truly trying to make this year a good one.

A New Year For Ivan

Ivan told everyone that he had a big announcement for 2012 and none of us could guess what it was. It just so happened that it was such big news that when I was down he used it to take my mind off things. Ivan was leaving Starbucks. It may not seem like such a big deal at first but it goes to show that no one wants to stay at the 16^th walnut store. 

Ivan made it clear that it was because he wanted to focus on his studies this semester and we could not be anything but supportive. 

Ivan then got me into watching the show, The Walking Dead. I was never into zombies and according to him he never was either but low and behold here we were watching a show about zombies, obsessively. He then told me I should give Entourage another shot and nights of drinking and smoking were accompanied by us drooling over Ari Gold. 

Before I knew it school was starting back up and in true form dynamics were changing.

Icon Finds A Man

Smack dab in the middle of the holiday season my friend Icon went on a date. This date was to be a proper date following all the rules of good boys except for one; the date was at the guy’s house. Ivan and I were excited that Icon had a real date and gave him advice that only made him more at ease and excited to go on the date, advice such as, resist temptation to have sex and take things slow if you really like him. 

It would turn out that the guy Icon was going to see loved to cook and wanted to make Icon a romantic dinner. Icon later told us he played the night flawlessly except there was one little thing that he could not help but to do, he asked to see the man’s dick. 

Ivan and I were shocked that innocent Icon was so bold and that the guy had no qualms in obliging him. Icon was quite impressed and while it was tempting he did not have sex that evening.  

I Moved

Jaiye had invited me to have dinner at his new place in South Philly and I was impressed not only with the new digs but also how he managed house. Jaiye had really grown and I realized that I could live with him. 

Jaiye offered me to come live with him for a while, it was several fold. Jaiye hated seeing me living in uncomfortable situations and knew by me living with him I could be happy in a real home for a little while. Jaiye also wanted me to save a little money, by living with him and his boyfriend I would pay less rent than I was at the hell hole I was in. Finally they would have help paying rent until things picked back up in the summer. 

I discussed it with my most trusted advisor, Aunt LAB, and she agreed it was a good idea. In fact everyone I talked to thought It a great idea. So mid-January came about and I moved in.

Its funny I have made plans to throw things away and by making room in my life with less stuff, the stuff I need has been flowing in.

That Friend

The lucky ones of us know that lining up potentials is quite exhilarating. Your single and it is time to start dating. You have a plethora of men who are interested and you are on cloud nine going on dates, having long get to know you phone conversations and before you know it some guys are now just friends others you are not returning your calls and one lucky guy is talking about where things are going and before you know it you have a boyfriend. 

In the gay world there is no happily ever after, in fact in life period there is no happily ever after. There are always stipulations and little nuances that come and shake things up. Like the guy you were going to date and came close but decided friends were better.

Ah friends, in the indigo world friend is a term used loosely, we have to add so many adjectives to denote what kind of friend we are talking about. There are friends we slept with, friends we still sleep with, friends we go shopping with, friends that we only talk to online or on the phone, there are friends who we dated but never slept with and friends we didn’t sleep with until after we broke up with them. The list can go on and on and each one has different obligations, based on the circumstances in which we became friends. 

The thing about the friend we almost dated if we never sleep with them there remains that sexual tension. This tension we try to relieve with inappropriate jokes but it never helps. We find that although we are happy in our relationship we still want to have sex with this “friend.” We then start to think of them as our personal reserve. We keep them interested just enough that they won’t lose interest so when the moment our current relationship fails we can relieve that tension and possibly attempt for a happy ever after.

So Long “Fake” Friend

I had this friend I considered to be really close with but he seemed to get worse with age and not better. Many conversations were peppered with him regaling me with tales that shocked the hell out of me and caused me to worry. Being as he is gay, it mostly had to do with sex. 

He had decided to stop being friends with Jaiye after a 2 week living situation and before I knew it I felt as though I was being pushed away. 

My friend had plenty of time to go on dates and hang with other friends but when it came to me, someone he labeled “Best Friend.” No time weeks would go by and not so much as a text message and it took him forever to respond to voice mails and text. He would say he was busy with school but the moment I could catch him on the phone he was going out with “So and So.”

One day his ex and I were chatting via Facebook, it was an odd occurrence but it happened. We got to talking about my friend and I told him how things were going, my friend had told me he and his ex talked about everything and had become close friends so I figured he knew about his brushes with almost getting burned.  I told his ex how his behavior was affecting our relationship and the next day I got a text.

It is funny how no one has time for you until you give them a negative reason. All in all he made some accusations that made me throw up my hands and say, “Fuck It!” I decided to write him off.

New Toy

Today after talking to my Mom and Aunt I decided to get a Nook Tablet. So far I am happy with the purchase I just have to find a way to incorporate it into my work and school life to legitify the expense.

The New Year & Blogging

For the past few days I have not been up for writing. I have still been working on me and realized that there is a lot of areas that I needed to step my game up, particularly when it comes to work.

This past weekend MeTo came down for a visit and we talked about possible reconciliation. With all that had happened the past month it was something we needed to seriously look into. There were the obvious problems of our past that need could still resurface if we rushed things.

Before I was quite dependent on MeTo he was the bread winner and I was his emotional support when I was not dealing with the mess that I called my life. My life was not moving really and I seemed that I went backwards, I could not support myself if need be and I had no drivers license. Now I am at a point where I am progressing and to rush back into a relationship and move back to jersey would put me right back where I was as far as my financial situation.

After discussing all of this with MeTo it hit me like a tone of bricks that I could be doing better in my job and with school. I have gotten to a point where the status quo was OK as long as my bosses were happy and I could pay my bills. That is not the life I want for me now or ever. When I factor my faith in that is not the life G-d wants for me ever either. I am supposed to be at a place when I can afford my bills, afford to go out with friends and have a savings account that should constantly grow with each pay check.

How do I a student get to that point? It simple readjust my drive and motivation, examine my goals and my plan to achieve them and make a few sacrifices once in awhile.

So I have decided to get a second job, one that I can learn like I am supposed to and start saving money even if it is just a dollar from one paycheck. I have to realize that while many of my friends grew up with certain habits I did not I have to condition myself to save, forgo the unnecessary and be hungry for a life thats better than the one I have.

My health is on track and I am about to move to a real apartment with my best friend which will give me some time and the necessary comfort I need to work on my cookbook and practice my crafts. For my goal by the end of January is to have 10 new recipes and a second job if not a whole new one that pays more.   

The Holidays 2011 part-2

 After my conversation with Mr. M I got dressed. I was finding that I was still not feeling my self so I pulled out the best outfit I could find. I then made the journey down to Sharon Hill to see my mother and extended family. I called my sister to see if she was there but she had decided to go to church. My timing was a little off as she was 45 minutes away and I was about a 30. when I arrived it was with welcomed arms. Everyone was happy to see me and my mother almost cried.

When my sister arrived she almost cried too. I told no one except my Paternal aunt and grandmother that I was making the visit. It was after having a Conversation with Ivan about some issues he was having with his mother that I knew it was time to try for some kind of relationship. He told me that no mother intentionally tries to be a bad mother or actively makes mistakes to harm her child. I thought about it and knew it was most certainly true when it came to my mother.

We chatted and caught up on each other's lives. My mother had even bought me a gift but I already had it. I was touched by the thought. This was the year I wanted no presents I was happy with the new me and family. The visit was shorter than we would have liked but my sister drove me to my grandmother's and in the back of my mind I could not help and think about the last Christmas we all had with my mother's mother. The reunion was bitter sweet but more sweet.

At my grandmother's it was questions of MeTo and what was going on. I told my cousin the tales of our drama and my other cousin brought his girlfriend. It was laughs and jokes and everything that Christmas celebrations should be. Soon the night went to late night and It was time fore work. My aunt decided to give me a ride and on the way we stopped by to see my uncle, he did not look so good and it sent me to a bad place. My uncle had been battling cancer for the past two years and each time I saw him he looked well this time I saw a vision of My maternal grandfather who died when I was three.

At work I was covering the night baker and he failed to prep everything, I freaked out and sat in a corner to cry. Then the panic attack I tried calling MeTo and no answer. My mind wandered with thought of him with the new guy and I had to call Jaiye. He talked me through the whole thing and told me to drink so water.

My night at work was a long one, 10 hours due to mistakes and having to redo things. When I left work I made it my mission to find the restaurant that MeTo and I went to on our first date. I found it but MeTo still had not answered a call or text. That was the day A Really Old Friend stopped by.

Three days after Christmas MeTo answered my phone call and he decided he would came down to visit me and would bring some things form storage. When he got here I had to be a good friend to him and show him how I had changed. He was impressed and told me that we truly were meant to be together, if not right away then certainly in the future.

A few days latter I had a meeting with all my friends and we updated each other on the going ons. I had the most drama and night was about me being cheered up more than anything. I was so touched that I had so many people in my life who cared. I knew that it was by the grace of G-d that I realized it when I did and decided to live a healthier in honor of him, no more smoking and better choices on everything that I put into my body.

Soon it was New Years Eve and I had to work. I managed to get out by 11:30 and Ivan and I walked into Voyeur 1 minute before midnight, just enough time to grab a glass of champagne and toast in the New Year. I knew MeTo was home sick and a part of me took comfort in that. I could not bear the idea of him kissing someone else to ring in the New Year, that had been my roil for the past three years. A trip to Tabu then Bike Stop and we were back at Voyeur where we met my friends Angel, she is an attorney in Philadelphia and a regular at Starbucks 16^th Walnut, she introduced us to here new friend who had just became single for the new year when his boyfriend decided to punch him in the eye.

We all chatted for a good while and exchanged numbers. Angle is the supper sexy lesbian that makes any man wonder what if. And naturally the conversation of what it means to be gay and relationships came up. We all got separated on the way to the bathroom and Ivan could have not been happier. Hit the dance floor and when a crappy song came on I went to find a not so happy Ivan. He was ready to go and I knew I had work in the morning and so we left. On the way out I Found the Waiter.

He had to work that night as well and decided to come out for a little fun. I decided I wanted his silver beads and he wanted something in exchange. All my friends know when I am wearing a thong I have no qualms with showing a little strap, and that what he got.

New Years Day came quickly and after work I went to Starbucks to make a few calls, My In-laws, family and a few friends. Then Ivan tested me that he was going to Target and I decided I would tag along. Running around Target, a trip to subway and we were back at his place then a hit of the bong and I got a call from my mom, I told her happy new year and she returned the same except she had more bad news.

I was informed that me and my sister's friend Towayne was set up and murdered. I was so shocked. Before I knew it I was crying. He was such a good guy who only needed a chance in life and would never get it. It hurt so bad to think about how even looking back there was no fault I could find no I could have done this or that. I ended my conversation and Ivan made it his mission to get me high. I got high and ate everything in site.

I went home and fell asleep to Roger Rabbit. I tried to call MeTo but no answer and so I just sent him a text that I got more bad news.