J.R. Big.

So I mentioned before about a guy I call JR who I thought was going to be an exception to the “J” rule. As it would turn out he was not. There a several types of men in the world, the ones who do anything to have you, the ones who will play games to get you, the ones who don't want you and the ones who only want you when they cant have you.Damien, Raymone and JR are the three men in my lfe that have proven to only want me when they cant have me.

I met JR while working at Starbucks and he was quite taken with me and once I was free he seemed to lose interest for various reasons. It went from hot nights alone to crazy nights with friends to me bringing him coffee to his job with nothing in return.

I met the majority of JR's friends and they all liked me, not just liked me but liked me for JR and all my friends that knew JR wanted us to get together. So I opened myself up. I even went to him one night totally stressed out and vented and he listened. There are few people in this world that I allow to see my vulnerable side, especially men. He saw it and acted like it was no big deal.

We finally went on a date and constantly he was telling my new BFF how much he liked me and did not want to loose me. She would advise him on how to woe me and sweep me off my feet and he would never do what it took. After awhile I got tired of always having to share him with everyone. He would ask me out and it would turn out to be me meeting his friends, buying myself a beer and then either going back to his place to sleep in a bed full of dog hair or taking a cab back to my place.

I began getting peeved, how could you say you want me and not even take me on a real date? This went on and on and I made myself less available. He became confused, one moment he wanted just friends, the next for us to be dating. He would call me babe as if to indicate we were more than friends.

Eventually I began dating other people in hopes that he would get his act together and while his mouth said it bothered him, his actions said he didn't care.

The last straw came when I told him I wanted to hang out. He sent me a text asking what I was doing and when I told I was just watching TV he chose not to respond. I then asked him to proof my resume and a week latter I was still hearing, “I will do it tomorrow.”

looks like this JR guy was one of those “Big Talkers.” he could not even be a real friend to me yet alone anything else and the worst part about it is we are friends on foursquare, so I get all his updates when he checks into his favorite bars. Not that I am stalking him but it really sucks to see he has time to bar hop but none for the guy he claims he wanted to put on a pedestal.   

Letting Go, It's a Lesson.

I thought long and hard, hard and long, and even discussed it with my closest of close friends before I decided to end things with Dr. MeTo. Even now I go over to make sure I made the right decision. Every time I rehash it I always come to the same answer, “For Now.” my heart and my brain battles it out and they both agree, yes this is good, “For Now.” I wonder dose that mean he and I are destined or is it to mean that I need to just except the fact there is only one way to find out. I am quite confident that it means I am to just take this time and deal with all that is happening and grow.

I thought a lot of myself when I was 20, I had my own apartment, a full time job and I was putting myself through school. I had no help from my mother at all, she refused to help me. I secretly dated other men and it was all the same, they had nothing or were going no where. Rick who had a job but lived with his aunt and clearly was not about to change that, Chris who had no job, no car and lived with his mother there were a few others and they didn't last as long as the others. So many men all wanted me and I knew with each break up karma was not pleased.

Then the time came for my heart to be broken, guys stood me up for dates and Mr M strung me along. Then MeTo cam and he loved me but I was spiraling down. My mother rejected me more and more each day but his parents were quick to show me the love I was missing. I lost my job, car and was living with MeTo while he paid for everything. I felt helpless. The one lesson my mother taught me that I tried to be mindful of was that pride goes before the fall. I didn't know it but I had gotten quite prideful in my early 20s. And G-d took it all away. Leaving me to rediscover Victor.

I had to learn how to accept help and be dependent on someone else all the while trying to regain what I lost. I thought MeTo was the one until I started evaluating the situation.

They say people come in and out of your life fore all kinds of reasons. Some may stay forever and other stay for less than a day but they all bring something. Some teach you, some you teach, some offer you a hand and others allow you to help them.

MeTo was so much for me, he showed me things that I used to hope I could see, Miami, Fishing, campfires, smores, Jewish holidays, loving & supportive parents. Country living, what real love feels like. He has raised the bar for every man in my future.

But while he showed me many things and taught me how to be humble again I think there are lessons I need to learn while single that I simply cant learn while in a relationship, what they are I have no clue. One may be how to let go of something you love even when you don't want to. I don't want to let MeTo go but I feel the need that I have to. One of the lessons I learned in life, if you love something set it free, if you are meant to have it it will come back to you, if you are not meant to have it, it will be replaced by something better.

To be honest with you while writing this I think that is the lesson I am supposed to learn this year. I have always known that but I have never practiced that. I hold on to everything clothing, furniture, friends, trinkets. All my life I had to scratch and claw for everything to the point that I began settling. I want a lot out of life and sometimes you have to loose it all in oder to replace it. Everyone thought Job had it all, then he lost it, then it was replaced with better.

I am far from Job but I have lost a lot and I think its time I stop fighting and enjoy the ride for a little while. Its gonna be hard but it has to be done.  

Previously in My Indigo Life.

Some say the summer begins at the end of June others say memorial day, I say it starts when school ends. When you are in your mid 20's and your friends range from 21 to 30 this is a safe starting point. College classes typically end early may which means summer plans are not only under way but some have already been set into play.

May was a big month, to be honest the whole summer was huge looking back. Phil graduated from Temple and Mr. MeTo traded titles, Mr for Dr. Dr. MeTo completed his PhD and his plan was to finish things up at Rutgers and move in with his parents come June. Phil decided on some training for a job working in a hospital as nurse tech or something or other.

As for the rest of the RGOP well lets just say its no longer. Phil and Jaye decided that reconciliation was not going to happen. Tia did move back to Philly as well as myself. RJ went MIA and after hanging out with Adam one night he pissed on a bin of my clothes and passed out drunk. Then he moved to Lock Haven randomly and has not been herd from.

With Dr. MeTo living with his parents I decided to move back to the city of brotherly love where I knew getting buy would be much easier. A city with clubs, jobs and my friends all accessible by Mass Transit.

I finished classes may 13^th and started my new job at Starbucks the 17^th. I continued to work at the Den until the weekend of memorial day and that ended the chapter of my life I like to call “Dirty Jersey.” however I must admit the job at the den made Jersey worth it.

When June rolled around I was into full swing in working at Starbucks. I began making friends and it was nice to meet Jaye and Austin for coffee once in awhile. However something was missing. I had everything I wanted but I was not living with my Fiancée. To balance it all I picked up some old bad habits like Andrew and Raymone. Late night out dancing, drinking and parting. Before I knew it an old friend moved around the corner and it was two crazy nights I will never forget mild in nature compared to the past but fun all the same.

As I started to get to know the regulars at Starbucks there was one who stood out above the rest. I didn't know it at the time but he was working on becoming quite the big shot and for reasons that are UN-Sex and the City, I will call J.R. Big, J.R. for short. Mornings of hi's and smiles soon progressed to brief conversations with flirtatious undertones.

I soon realized I needed to have MeTo mark his territory. There were a few opportunities where I managed MeTo to come visit and I showed him off at work. Then all my coworkers knew I was not only engaged but engaged to a hunk.

I took two vacations this summer, one upstate to hang out with the Fiancée and his family and one to the beach to hang out with the extended family. Both trips were fun but left me longing to be back in the city.

In the mean time Jaye and I were drifting apart. I was living the fast life with my new friends and he was unable to join me due to his lack of funds. Before I knew it several mis communications latter I was being chastised via facebook.

JR soon decided to make his move and hit me up via facebook and then text and before I knew it my whole job knew he was interested and many to my surprise gave their blessing. I knew it was wrong and I did not want to go any further, so I sat him down and explained the situation, only one issue, I was a bit to honest.

I tried several other times to make friends and it was the same thing, meet up and then they would express romantic interest. Therefore I decided that Tuesday Karaoke with my coworkers would be my escape from my crazy life. It worked great and I soon had managed to balance it all. JR, MeTo, work, my new friends and even my finances.

The summer went on and I missed MeTo and I eventually told him so and then a few days later I picked a fight, then he poured out his soul and I did mine. Later a conversation with my aunt and a mutual friend helped me realize that if things were really meant to be I was going to have to test it, hard.

Dr. MeTo came down to visit at my request and simply hung out. One night I called off the engagement and the next the relationship. He gave good reasons why I shouldn't but my mind was made up. A few days latter I took my day off so I could finalize things for school, only to find out that due to a gross miscommunication at CCP my financial aid was not ready and I would have to front part of my tuition. I didn't have that kind of money and I became distressed. Much like DC after the earthquake which happened the same day.

After a night of heavy drinking and my regularly scheduled karaoke I was still feeling blue, it was not until I hung out with JR. He helped me put things in perspective and reminded me that I could still work on my other goals. Reminded me of someone.

So here I am at the end of august and single with a different cast of friends. Who would have thought that in 4 short months so much could change. I have no idea what the fall is bringing but I am ready.

Coming Soon!

A BFF named Britt.

Who is JR Big.

Planned for the fall.

Sex, Sex and Sex Facts.  

Modern Dating, Where is the Chivalry?

I have to say for the longest time I have looked at all my friends, gay , straight and bi and no one seems to get or even demand a little chivalry.

A modern date ranges from grabbing coffee, drinks, a quick dinner and or a roll in the hay. Most times the check is split as if it were friends meeting. Many second dates consist of the same thing. This happens until the two people involved decided to put a label on it and say, “Yeah we are dating.” then one decides to have the discussion of monogamy and that seals the deal, you are now in “a relationship.”

why is this so, Why is it that there has to be so much red tape in dating? What happened to two people liking each other and wanting to sweep the other off his or her\ feet. What happened to surprise flowers and chocolates. What happened to long dinners that ended with a soft kiss and controlled urges? Why do we all say we want true love but settle for people who rather hang as friends first and “date” after exclusivity.

Lets think about it? When was the last time your significant other or potential surprised you with a present, Just Because? When did they get you a trinket you liked just to show you they were paying attention to the little things? Its a bit painful that no matter how much advice I give of myself or advice I dish out that my friends and I keep finding guys who want us all to them selves but have no idea how to sweep me yet alone any other guy off their feet.

I have made surprise dinners, unforgeable birthdays, love letters, rearranged my schedule, and been the supportive type to the point their friends and family told them, “Don't fuck this up.” and what do they do? They do nothing, as if to say the status quo is enough. What is the status quo? You know it, dutch dinners, a drink here or there and basically the same shit you do with your friends. Translation, They fuck it up.

So to all my Sexy Women, Bottom Boys, and Lipstick Lesbians, time to make them bring back Chivalry, if they are not trying to make your friends jealous of what you got, then they don't deserve you.     

Its Re-loaded

So it has been two months since the big move back to the city. It was not long after the move that I screwed up my computer. With no money to fix it I had to just do without. It is amazing what can happen in just two short months, new job, new friends, new weekly traditions and new troubles. While drama has remained at an all time low it has taken me a little while to get adjusted to how fast things move in the city versus how they moved when I was in the burbs.

There is a lot to catch up on from, the tales of my, “Mommy Dearest,” to what is going on with the old and new RGOP. I guess stay tuned because my Indigo life is not just New, it's Re-loaded.  

A Good Way To Deal.

We all know that there are a lot of different emotions that homos deal with on a daily bases. We have to deal with all kinds of relationships that we some days would rather die to avoid. Relationship with our parents, significant others, complex friends, associates who try their best to keep you in that stereotypical pink light of being happy and flamboyant.  Its hard work especially when you don’t have many real supporters. Yeah your boyfriend supports you, your friends support you, but how many people know the real you, the moment you look sad they start to pretend they don’t know you, or act as if you don’t exist until the "you" they know and love returns.

My whole life I have felt like an actor. I had to lie to the world to protect those around me. Why is this so, why is it that I have to pretend to be someone else even when I just want to be me? It seems I have no one I honestly can talk to even after being out of the closet for four years and having a boyfriend for two. Many people will judge you for your emotions, that's not fair. Others will tell you that things are not as bad as they seem, well if they are not that bad why do I feel the erg to talk about them? I think the fact that I want to talk is indication that the problem itself may not be too bad but the way it is affecting me is making things far worse then they seem.

I am not the dramatic type I have had close calls with death, almost killed people, came close to going to jail, had bills back up to the point I was ready to scream bankruptcy but I never told a soul. Why bring attention to myself, the best way to deal with it is to take control of the situation. That is me, when I have an issue I do what I can to deal with it until I reach a point that there is nothing I can do but ask for help and even then I am very particular about whom I ask.

When asking for help I like to go to people who I know will understand that asking them for help is a last resort. The kind of person that may ask questions to get an understanding of the situation and not so they can tell me where I went wrong and deny help. Sure getting advice is great but advice with judgment and guilt in a time of need is not good advice.

Talking, Talking when you are going through hard times is a good thing. But who do you talk to? In a perfect world you would be able to talk to your boy friend but "the world ain’t so perfect." Many times your boyfriend will become distraught and whiney, making you wish you did not talk to him in the first place.  Too often he makes you feel worse because now he starts to tell you why he cannot deal with your problems. Wait, I just wanted to talk, vent a little, and maybe get some advice, why are we having a discussion about you and why you cannot deal with this? So now you know talking to the boyfriend is not so good.

What about mom and dad? Well if dad is dead and mom is a Homophobic hardcore Christian you are only going to get once piece of advice and it will be the same every time, “You need to start living for G-d, start praying, go to church and pay your tithes. If you do right by him he will take care of you.” Good advice if it was coming from someone who was not in debt, with recurring breast cancer, in a rocky 2^nd marriage, two kids with separate fathers neither of which are by her current husband, and in a job she hates. It is Proof that you should always take advice with a grain or two of perspective.

What about your extended family. This is where things get irregular. Some people are not close enough to their extended family to start up a conversation about what is wrong with their life. But sometimes grandparents are perfect listeners they may not have great advice for you, in their opinion, but they will listen, grandma or grandpa may say, “Just pray on it.” This is good advice because it means they feel talking to G-d is for everyone, not just the “Super Christians” and what they do may just work for you but it comes with no guarantees.

I have also found that gays typically have gay relatives, weather an aunt or uncle or maybe a cousin. It is a good idea to befriend this family member if for only one reason, commiserating. To have someone who knows your family dynamic makes it easier when sharing tales of woe. You will not have to explain how horrible your mother is when you are telling them that you no longer want to talk to her. I have found my aunt to be one of my greatest advocates she gives the best advice and knows when one must say fuck it. She and my father always told me to look out for number one and it has since become my family’s mantra. We take care of ourselves so we can take care of our family.

While I know I have some self centered family and friends I must always remember that I have one or two people in my life that serve a great purpose. I have a BFF that I can talk to most of the time and my aunt is both a great listener and gives good advice. My father’s side of the family are good people and are trying to undo the damage my mother’s side has done.

While most of the world may never get to my core at least there is my Aunt and Jaiye. Days when I am feeling blue I can think of them and feel fine, other days I call to chat and often they know what to say.  It is always the person you can commiserate with that turns out to be your best friend for life. Many times it is not the person it should be or even the person you want it to be but they are in your life. If they are not, “just pray on it,” G-d will send them to you. 

Too Tired, Almost Crazy.

To many times in our young adult lives we realize that 24 hour days are just too short. With work, school, family, significant others, friends, maintaining our home, and trying to remember to eat healthy we are lucky if we have a little free time to watch TV, go to the gym, or just stop and think. The moment you add moving and finding a new job to the mix we are left asking, “What’s the point?”

Life is a crazy thing, there are times we have way too much to do and others where we are so bored that we think about doing things we said we would never do just to find a few seconds of entertainment.  Why is that?

Just last Friday I ended up going out to Deko with my buddy because the alternative was eating bad ice-cream and watching TV until I fell asleep. OK that is not totally true. I had homework and lots of house work but my brain and body needed a major break from the status quo. So those were the options I gave myself.

One of the keys to a happy life, that we are all well aware of, is to not let work (Job, school, house work) get to the point that it is all we do. We know this but how often do we throw it by the way side allowing our days to be consumed by running here and there without a moment to stop and do something that makes us smile and say, “That was fun.”

Is there any advice I can give to help alleviate this? I don't know, my life has gotten so hectic that to sit and watch shows that I have recorded is now more of a chore than a moment of entertainment and I think that maybe it is time for a vacation. What makes it even worse is the fact that I cannot take a vacation due to school and the fact I cannot afford to take time off from work.

When you throw in a father in-law, whom I absolutely love, in the hospital and family and friends who live all over that miss me, time not spent taking care of home and homework is now spent visiting the people that matter. Sure I could just say screw it all, I am running away for a few days and will deal with the consequences when I get back, but then what. I will come back to a world where I have more work than when I left and is full of people whom I let down and feel as though I cannot be depended upon.

So what can one do? Deal with it. We learn to be a survivor and lean on whatever faith we have to pull us through until the moment to take a real break comes by, and when we see the opportunity for a break, take it. Take it and enjoy every half second of it. One will also find pleasures in the little things such as taking a shower or bath in a freshly cleaned bathroom, or the feeling of getting into a bed with brand new sheets, or sitting down to eat a meal that we know is not only tasty but healthy.  Life will offer you tiny moments to get you through the craziness until your major break comes, you just have to recognize them and take them for what they are.

Shoes

Women and Gay men love their shoes. From sexy sandals and flip flops to boots and dress shoes. I have to admit it was not until high school the I learned the power of a great shoe and the lengths that some are willing to go to get them. 

It was my sophomore year and I was doing my own back to school shopping, my mother said since I was working and had my own money I had to. I did all my shopping in center city. I went to Ross, Strawbridge’s, and almost every store in and surrounding the gallery. After buying many different shirts and pants and blazers I had the craving for burgundy dress shoes. I looked high and low, I doubled back and went to some stores that I knew I could not afford I wanted burgundy shoes that bad. 

My freshman year I saw the principal wearing burgundy shoes and I thought they were sharp. At the time I did not that i wanted them I just liked them until I had my own money to spend. I no longer had to wear what my mother wanted me to wear. No more surprise shirts that I could not wear because I didn’t have proper pants . no more jeans that were to big and no more shoes that had to go with everything.  I could buy a shirt that made since only with the elements it was purchased with.  

I soon realized that my money could only go so far, I eventually found the burgundy shoes and while they were a half size to big I purchased them any way. The looks, the ah’s, and the compliments were nonstop my sophomore year. I had many different looks and they were all my own. Inspired by a single item of clothing I would work to create a look that was surprising yet worked. Some of them even had names like Kiwi Strawberry, or the Blue look.

While my personal style started with shoes it did not end there I then found a love for sunglasses and each outfit had to have the proper shades and it soon trickled to my casual dress. 

As time went on and money had to be allocated to other things my style showed it. When I came out of the closet it became a problem. That’s when I learned one of the most important lessons in life. You can go through shit, be dealing with shit, and feel like shit as long as you look great. So I started getting comfortable with my body embracing the fact I was slim and the men loved it. Once again while my wardrobe was taking on new looks and they were all my own, it reflected a new era. It reflected my pride in me and how I no longer wanted to hide being slim. 

It eventually got to the point where I no longer wanted to look nice but I wanted to be a head turner. Reddish brown hair, curls, an afro, then makeup to hid imperfections and highlight my eyes without looking like I was wearing makeup. Shade the hid my face, and of course the shoes. Sneakers, sandals, dress, slides, I was now a collector and for Christmas I wanted shoes. 

We all love shoes, and the perfect shoe will always put an outfit on track.

Love, Sex, and Money !!

Three things that everyone wants and lots of, are Sex, Money and love. It is funny how money can buy sex and love can bring sex but love won’t get you money and money cannot get you love. So we work hard in hopes that our career will bring us happiness and lots of money and while the money won’t give us love it will make finding it a whole lot easier. 

What do you do when you have found love but you long for money? Or what do you do when you have found love you have money but the sex is just not where it should be even after you have worked on it? 

Life throws you a bone once in a while but how do you know which you should grab and hold onto and which you should throw back?

We Marched into the Den

So MeTo and I had made plans to go on a double date with a friend that I made while at Panera. He is young and immature but I see potential so I figured with me desperate for friends I would make him my little project. He recently started seeing this girl and I am unsure as to why but my opinion of her matters. So a double date was planed.

He ended up playing his typical games and I was left with nothing to do. MeTo and I tossed ideas around and we decided to do dinner and a club. Another friend that I had made now works at the Den and I had him put us on the list for what I thought would get us in for free.

I made my Facebook status state that I was cutting someone out my life as I was pissed about these last minute plans and we went out for half priced appetizers. It was a great night and I was turning heads, I love the attention. I laughed at MeTo’s jokes which were really funny and I smiled when he complimented me. Before I knew it the restaurant was empty and he was all I could see.

I then got confirmation we were on the list and then a call from the so called friend. He was using half truths to prevent feeling my wrath. I gave him the cold shoulder and made the call quick.

We then went to the Den where I found out admission was reduced and not cut. So to an ATM and we were in. I was surprised to see the club almost empty and the few people that were there were all young nerds. I immediately began trying to understand how this could be. I looked around and there were guys hopping to catch my attention and there were guys trying to get MeTo’s attention. We laughed as the awkward kids danced to songs that were being played just as awkwardly.

The outfits that some people wore made the 6 dollars worth it. I wondered how it was possible for so many gays to dress so poorly and I then it was clear why most people in Jersey go to New York and Philadelphia to enjoy good gay nightlife. Jersey really dose suck. 

A Shocking Apology

Mr. M and I had resumed speaking a few months ago. We began talking about how our lives were and what was new, the good and the bad in both. We had lots to catch up on and it was all via text. What a modern age we live in. we used devices that are designed with the intention to speak, to send the contemporary equivalent to short letters. 

The conversations were like old times except it was clear that while we still have love for each other, there is too much keeping us apart. Most important I am engaged to a wonderful man. Sometimes I choose to put that memory aside and focus on the bad in my life. I will admit it is quite selfish. It just so happened that Mr. M and I started talking while I was in one of those dispositions. We talked about his living situation and how he is unhappy with not having any real friends on the west coast and I talked about how I didn’t see how things were going to work out the way I wanted them to. It was days and days of texting and trying to make the other feel better.

Then one night I got a text that said, “I am sorry for hurting you.” I was shocked. I wanted to say, “it’s ok,” or “No need, you didn’t hurt me.” The best I could come up with, “I’m speechless.” I had already admitted to myself that I had allowed him to hurt me. I had also accepted the fact that it was my fault I put myself in that situation. I wanted to find love and for some reason at that point in my life I thought it was supposed to be him. I allowed him to play with my emotions and hurt me bad. I watched as he was then hurt and forgave and was hurt again. It hurt to see that here I was, someone who tried only to make him happy and he was holding onto someone who was breaking his heart and didn’t really care.

I remember thinking when I got word that he was dumped, “Good! That’s what he gets; I hope he is hurting badly.” I had no real right to think that. I was his friend and part of me honestly did feel bad.

I had always looked at Mr. M as my Mr. Big I thought that we would have our ups and downs but some day end up together, then Mr. MeTo proposed and I said yes and then my life took a different direction. It looked like Mr. M and I may not even know each other in a few years yet alone get back together. As time went on I was happy with MeTo and we began planning our life.

Then it came to the point when things changed, as far as what the two of us wanted. A city boy who loved the city and a country boy who loved the country both of whom hated the suburbs. It was like a fish and a bird falling in love. The love was strong but where could they build a life together?

I was perplexed and could only see my happily ever after dissipating. Then Mr. M came back in my life via text and then he apologized. What could this mean? We talked on all kinds of levels. I remembered things I wished had never happened. Such as the night of my 22^nd birthday party, the night we talked of what we wanted in the future, then the day we argued and he told me our chance to get back together had passed, the night I made out with his friend, the night we met, the night he got a tattoo, the day I called in sick to work so we could spend the morning together, and the Valentine’s day when he let me down. For two guys who were only together for 5 weeks we had some history and while we were official for only five weeks our relationship was anything but simple.

I told Mr. M that I was at fault as well; I wanted him to be mine and for me to be his. I fell for him and I should have not tried to be friends after the night he came over to my new place. But I did and I allowed him to hurt me all over. Now I was depressed and scared that I may lose the greatest love of my life and he was apologizing for our seeded past. We have a whole country between us and I am wearing a ring. My head was spinning. He longed to have friends visit and I was longing for a break from my life. I wanted to visit but judging by my mental state I knew what could happen, it was a good thing I could not afford a ticket.

The text went on and we kept it as friends and then one day I woke up and found myself missing my fiancé. I was angry with myself that I allowed myself to go back to that place, a place where I could ruin my future.  Mr. M and I have decided to be friends and MeTo and I are moving forward with our life. We negotiate and compromise with how our plans will work out. I want a big closet filled with shoes and clothes, a state of the art kitchen, a bathroom with a large tube so I may soak in comfort. I want my Bakery café and to be a domestic god. That’s what I want out of life for myself. MeTo sees my goals and understands them. He knows that I want him in my life and him being in my life makes me want to work towards such goals.

I still find it hard to get excited at this point in my life when it comes to school or new jobs or other such things. My future no matter how much planning I do is so up in the air, that’s how it has been all the way up to this point. All I know for certain is that I will have a career in food. Will my heart have what it wants as far as love? IDK but one thing is for certain everyone who knows Vixc-B knows I am willing to do what it takes to get it. They say you get two great loves in your life and you typically end up with one of them. I hope i have picked the right one. 

Well That’s Odd, Not Really!

I am currently taking a developmental math class. It is remedial math for those of us who just don’t get it that well. So today I got back my first math test. I have been working hard to get an A on everything. I figure if I get 100% then it will make my GPA great.

Today I got my test back and I had a 98. Not bad, it’s actually damn great. I have a 100 on all my quizzes so I am right where I want to be. As it turns out someone asked if anyone got a 100 and the Professor said the highest score was a 98. “OMG” I thought that’s me and I got to peak at a few others and some scored around 50. I was proud.

I know some are thinking, “You’re the smartest of the dumb kids.” While that may be true I am also learning a lot of stuff that I just did not get before like fractions and I can now do a lot of math equations in my head that I needed a calculator for in the past. I have come up in the math world. Leaving class I had the strangest erg to call my mother and tell her.

I had to do a double think, “Call your mother, Where the hell did that come from?” I can’t stand the woman and would rather here think I am dead than alive and doing well. It really shook me to the core. Could it be that I miss her and still desire her approval after all this time of being such a huge disappointment?  It could not be, it just can’t be. And to add insult to injury there was no one else I really wanted to tell, not MeTo or my sister.  

So here I am trying to deal with the idea of what my heart wants. I would love nothing more than to be friends with my mom and live happily ever after but she is a homophobic Christian and I am a Homosexual Theist with an open interpretation to that belief and its meanings. It would never work.

It all boils down to me being proud of myself and the person I could always count on to be proud along with me simply is not anymore. 

Cooler Heads Were Once Hot Heads!

I have talked to several friends asking them how anger is handled in their relationships. I was not shocking to find out that all of them say it starts with yelling and ends with an adult conversation. Even the most adult of the gay couples I know yell and scream at each other. Then once the steaming stops, they have an adult conversation followed by hot makeup sex. To be more accurate EVERY couple I know, gay or straight, yells and screams.  It is never taken personally, it is simply a sigh of frustration and a method to release it so the topics can be discussed with calm heads.

I agree with this method on dealing with issues with ones significant other. MeTo however dose not and thus why I typically don’t bother talking. It is hard to deal with issues when you are never allowed to truly vent. This typically leads to blow ups and MeTo will tell you, those are dangerous. 

So my friends yell at each other with love and understanding. When cooler heads come up to talk things can get taken care of and that’s how lasting relationships last. 

Create the Best of the Worst, and Be First.

In our world, appearance is everything, the way you look, dress, how you carry yourself, the people you surround yourself with, it is all considered major parts of who you are.

So many people will find you unfit to even associate with, if you do not behave in certain basic ways. Now I am not talking about the judgmental shallow groups. I am talking about those who take pride in the fact that they consider every minor detail in there day to day life. The kind of people who take pride in how they dress and smell, the kind of people who think everything they buy is a reflection on their taste.

My friends find every division of a person’s character to be of the utmost importance, Manors, Dress, and hygiene. We are not the only ones who feel so strongly about these three areas but the people we associate with and the people they associate with. It is considered so important by so many people that for us to even consider associating with someone who is not on the up and up is a huge no-no.

Hygiene, this is more than just showering, brushing ones teeth, and using deodorant. Good hygiene means you are groomed in the basic manor at all times and you take it several steps further when people other than your significant other (only if you live together) will be around. This includes family and your best of friends.

One should always smell pleasant, be recently showered with in the last 24 hours and immediately after excusive perspiration. Your breath should smells of mint or no smell at all, carring gum is a great way to keep this under control. No one wants to kiss something that is not pleasant. Your hair should be combed with necessary product and all facial hair properly maintained. The lack of any of the basics will bring ridicule from those closest to you and will have you added to the, “I don’t like him so much,” list by those who don’t know you all that well.

Your appearance, while hair maintenance is part of hygiene its style is not. Your hair is one of the great parts that you can use to express yourself. With the modern world being accepting of Mohawks and spikes, crazy colored hair and multi colored hair almost any look is typically accepted in non business settings, but it is expected that you know when to put the spikes away. Rumor of you presenting yourself improperly is reason for shunning as well. You hair should never look like it was an accident or just happened, most people understand things happen. Therefore bad hair days should always come with a story or a hat.

The way you dress must be scene appropriate. You would never wear short shorts and a tank top to a law office and it’s really uncommon to wear a suite to college night at Woody’s. Dress to impress and you get noticed. Dress like you didn’t care or simply like it doesn’t matter and it will be remembered for all the wrong reasons. In most circles the older you get the more the minor details matter, from socks and shoes to even your undershirt. If you know what I am talking about you are doing well, if not you need to reevaluate your closet with a friend ASAP.

Lastly there are manors. Minor infractions amongst hygiene and appearance may be easily forgiven with a good story or the voucher from a friend, however bad manners are never overlooked. Table noises are never permitted. Slurping, belching, breaking wind, smacking and chewing with ones mouth open will garner looks of disapproval, to ignore such looks by not rectifying the behavior with an excuses me or immediate silence while eating and drinking then it will be noted and you can bet you will be at the bottom of the list, if you are lucky, when it comes to being invited dinner parties.

There are also certain task that you must do when you first meat someone, such a firm handshake or appropriate hug, we gays love to hug. Attempting to remember names and making it known if you have difficulty. Thus way when names have to be repeated it is understood that it is not personal.

When you are invited to someone’s home for a party bring something, for gays alcohol of some sort is always best. Here is how you score points. Gays like hard liquor so the harder and more expensive, the better. Vladimir is not as valuable as Absolute, and Grey Goose or Belvidere will make you a legend, or that guy who only buys “the good Shit.” Who cares, being known as a man of quality will only elevate you in social circles faster.

The list of proper manors can go one and one but you get the gist. Make the effort when meeting new people and try to impress when entering a home and you have it in the bag. Hygiene and Appearance if you have that mastered then the rest will come easy. Gays make ourselves known, weather it is by quietly impressing with good looks and charm, or being the life of the party.
The point of all of this is gays are, well, we are shallow and we like those around us to be as well. We like things to be the best that they can be, that includes our friends. You can be dirt poor but if you live by the gay mantra, Create the best of the Worst, you are in and in for life.

Facebook & You Tube

I have a goal to become friends with 1000 people on Facebook and not just random people, Gays. I want to expand my network to include at least 500 gay men in the greater Philadelphia area. By doing such I will promote myself and rise up in the gay scene and become know as a classy fun down to earth gay male. I want to be a role model. The point to all of this is simple I am a social person and I would like to be one of the who’s who and then I will start with New York. 

Unlike many other gays I will not use whatever “power” I have to make myself feel better but inturn try to bring others up as well if they so wish. How cool would that be to be able to send someone a message and they try to help you become a socialite as well. 

So I know it’s a long shot but think about it. There are to many rich gays out there that are simply selfish why would anyone aspire to that? Yes I want to be rich, sexy, well known, but I also want people to love me, NOT fear me. I want to have parties and invite everyone; I want to be invited to every party because I am fun and not a fan of the drama. VixcB the peace keeper that is me. 

So to all my readers hit me up and tell your friends to read this blog. And now I am on youtube.com

New Fav Song

NATASHA BEDINGFIELD - TOUCH

I was tryin' to cross the street

When I tripped and spilled my coffee

On a man who yelled at me

And then walked off in a hurry

Now he's gonna be late for work

So he called his secretary

Said to cancel his appointment with the guy in the lobby

Who's been waiting for a while

And talking on the phone

Got invited to a party and thought he couldn't go

But he's here right now

Standing in my house

And someone turns the music loud

So we dance

And we laugh

And we touch (touch touch)

Yeah we dance

And we laugh

And we touch (touch touch)

Gonna party all night till the sun comes up

Cuz it feels like the world dissapears around us

When we dance

When we laugh

When we touch

I was planning out my party

Running errands 'round the city

Gorcery bags full of alcohol

And chocolate chip cookies

Saw a dress that was amazing

In the window of a boutique

So I went across the street

Then my heel broke and it threw me

I tried to catch my balance

But I was 'sposed to fall

It seems that spilling coffee

Was no accident at all

Cuz you're here right now

Sitting on my couch

Funny how it all works out

When we dance

And we laugh

And we touch (touch touch)

Natasha Bedingfield Touch lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/natasha-bedingfield-touch-lyrics.html

Yeah we dance

And we laugh

And we touch (touch touch)

Gonna party all night till the sun comes up

Cuz it feels like the world dissapears around us

When we dance

When we laugh

When we touch

Every choice we make

And every road we take

Every interaction

Starts a chain reaction

We're noth affected when we least expect it

And ten when we touched

And it all connected

Every choice we make

And every road we take

Every interaction

Starts a chain reaction

We're noth affected when we least expect it

And ten when we touched

And it all connected

When we dance

And we laugh

And we touch (touch touch)

Yeah we dance

And we laugh

And we touch (touch touch)

Gonna party all night till the sun comes up

Cuz it feels like the world dissapears around us

When we dance

When we laugh

When we touch

Ooo oo oo ooo

We touch

Ooo oo oo ooo

We touch

Ooo oo oo ooo

We touch

Ooo oo oo ooo

We touch