So Long “Fake” Friend

I had this friend I considered to be really close with but he seemed to get worse with age and not better. Many conversations were peppered with him regaling me with tales that shocked the hell out of me and caused me to worry. Being as he is gay, it mostly had to do with sex. 

He had decided to stop being friends with Jaiye after a 2 week living situation and before I knew it I felt as though I was being pushed away. 

My friend had plenty of time to go on dates and hang with other friends but when it came to me, someone he labeled “Best Friend.” No time weeks would go by and not so much as a text message and it took him forever to respond to voice mails and text. He would say he was busy with school but the moment I could catch him on the phone he was going out with “So and So.”

One day his ex and I were chatting via Facebook, it was an odd occurrence but it happened. We got to talking about my friend and I told him how things were going, my friend had told me he and his ex talked about everything and had become close friends so I figured he knew about his brushes with almost getting burned.  I told his ex how his behavior was affecting our relationship and the next day I got a text.

It is funny how no one has time for you until you give them a negative reason. All in all he made some accusations that made me throw up my hands and say, “Fuck It!” I decided to write him off.

New Toy

Today after talking to my Mom and Aunt I decided to get a Nook Tablet. So far I am happy with the purchase I just have to find a way to incorporate it into my work and school life to legitify the expense.

The New Year & Blogging

For the past few days I have not been up for writing. I have still been working on me and realized that there is a lot of areas that I needed to step my game up, particularly when it comes to work.

This past weekend MeTo came down for a visit and we talked about possible reconciliation. With all that had happened the past month it was something we needed to seriously look into. There were the obvious problems of our past that need could still resurface if we rushed things.

Before I was quite dependent on MeTo he was the bread winner and I was his emotional support when I was not dealing with the mess that I called my life. My life was not moving really and I seemed that I went backwards, I could not support myself if need be and I had no drivers license. Now I am at a point where I am progressing and to rush back into a relationship and move back to jersey would put me right back where I was as far as my financial situation.

After discussing all of this with MeTo it hit me like a tone of bricks that I could be doing better in my job and with school. I have gotten to a point where the status quo was OK as long as my bosses were happy and I could pay my bills. That is not the life I want for me now or ever. When I factor my faith in that is not the life G-d wants for me ever either. I am supposed to be at a place when I can afford my bills, afford to go out with friends and have a savings account that should constantly grow with each pay check.

How do I a student get to that point? It simple readjust my drive and motivation, examine my goals and my plan to achieve them and make a few sacrifices once in awhile.

So I have decided to get a second job, one that I can learn like I am supposed to and start saving money even if it is just a dollar from one paycheck. I have to realize that while many of my friends grew up with certain habits I did not I have to condition myself to save, forgo the unnecessary and be hungry for a life thats better than the one I have.

My health is on track and I am about to move to a real apartment with my best friend which will give me some time and the necessary comfort I need to work on my cookbook and practice my crafts. For my goal by the end of January is to have 10 new recipes and a second job if not a whole new one that pays more.   

The Holidays 2011 part-2

 After my conversation with Mr. M I got dressed. I was finding that I was still not feeling my self so I pulled out the best outfit I could find. I then made the journey down to Sharon Hill to see my mother and extended family. I called my sister to see if she was there but she had decided to go to church. My timing was a little off as she was 45 minutes away and I was about a 30. when I arrived it was with welcomed arms. Everyone was happy to see me and my mother almost cried.

When my sister arrived she almost cried too. I told no one except my Paternal aunt and grandmother that I was making the visit. It was after having a Conversation with Ivan about some issues he was having with his mother that I knew it was time to try for some kind of relationship. He told me that no mother intentionally tries to be a bad mother or actively makes mistakes to harm her child. I thought about it and knew it was most certainly true when it came to my mother.

We chatted and caught up on each other's lives. My mother had even bought me a gift but I already had it. I was touched by the thought. This was the year I wanted no presents I was happy with the new me and family. The visit was shorter than we would have liked but my sister drove me to my grandmother's and in the back of my mind I could not help and think about the last Christmas we all had with my mother's mother. The reunion was bitter sweet but more sweet.

At my grandmother's it was questions of MeTo and what was going on. I told my cousin the tales of our drama and my other cousin brought his girlfriend. It was laughs and jokes and everything that Christmas celebrations should be. Soon the night went to late night and It was time fore work. My aunt decided to give me a ride and on the way we stopped by to see my uncle, he did not look so good and it sent me to a bad place. My uncle had been battling cancer for the past two years and each time I saw him he looked well this time I saw a vision of My maternal grandfather who died when I was three.

At work I was covering the night baker and he failed to prep everything, I freaked out and sat in a corner to cry. Then the panic attack I tried calling MeTo and no answer. My mind wandered with thought of him with the new guy and I had to call Jaiye. He talked me through the whole thing and told me to drink so water.

My night at work was a long one, 10 hours due to mistakes and having to redo things. When I left work I made it my mission to find the restaurant that MeTo and I went to on our first date. I found it but MeTo still had not answered a call or text. That was the day A Really Old Friend stopped by.

Three days after Christmas MeTo answered my phone call and he decided he would came down to visit me and would bring some things form storage. When he got here I had to be a good friend to him and show him how I had changed. He was impressed and told me that we truly were meant to be together, if not right away then certainly in the future.

A few days latter I had a meeting with all my friends and we updated each other on the going ons. I had the most drama and night was about me being cheered up more than anything. I was so touched that I had so many people in my life who cared. I knew that it was by the grace of G-d that I realized it when I did and decided to live a healthier in honor of him, no more smoking and better choices on everything that I put into my body.

Soon it was New Years Eve and I had to work. I managed to get out by 11:30 and Ivan and I walked into Voyeur 1 minute before midnight, just enough time to grab a glass of champagne and toast in the New Year. I knew MeTo was home sick and a part of me took comfort in that. I could not bear the idea of him kissing someone else to ring in the New Year, that had been my roil for the past three years. A trip to Tabu then Bike Stop and we were back at Voyeur where we met my friends Angel, she is an attorney in Philadelphia and a regular at Starbucks 16^th Walnut, she introduced us to here new friend who had just became single for the new year when his boyfriend decided to punch him in the eye.

We all chatted for a good while and exchanged numbers. Angle is the supper sexy lesbian that makes any man wonder what if. And naturally the conversation of what it means to be gay and relationships came up. We all got separated on the way to the bathroom and Ivan could have not been happier. Hit the dance floor and when a crappy song came on I went to find a not so happy Ivan. He was ready to go and I knew I had work in the morning and so we left. On the way out I Found the Waiter.

He had to work that night as well and decided to come out for a little fun. I decided I wanted his silver beads and he wanted something in exchange. All my friends know when I am wearing a thong I have no qualms with showing a little strap, and that what he got.

New Years Day came quickly and after work I went to Starbucks to make a few calls, My In-laws, family and a few friends. Then Ivan tested me that he was going to Target and I decided I would tag along. Running around Target, a trip to subway and we were back at his place then a hit of the bong and I got a call from my mom, I told her happy new year and she returned the same except she had more bad news.

I was informed that me and my sister's friend Towayne was set up and murdered. I was so shocked. Before I knew it I was crying. He was such a good guy who only needed a chance in life and would never get it. It hurt so bad to think about how even looking back there was no fault I could find no I could have done this or that. I ended my conversation and Ivan made it his mission to get me high. I got high and ate everything in site.

I went home and fell asleep to Roger Rabbit. I tried to call MeTo but no answer and so I just sent him a text that I got more bad news. 

The Holidays 2011 part-1

Traditions are the foundation of all the major holidays such as Christmas and Chanukah. The past two years I spent the holidays with MeTo and his family and in the frame work of what we were used o we created our own traditions a little from column A some from column B and a whole lot from column B.

This year I spent Christmas with a broken heart and wishing that the holiday would just past. I had announced that I was officially converting to Judaism but with all the Christmas and Chanukah decorations in the Jersey storage unit I could not decorate and I had no menorah. So I just ignored Christmas until I had no choice on Christmas Eve.

The night before Christmas eve MeTo and I were feuding. Back in November I told him I wanted him back and he was constantly giving me hope that it was a possibility until he told me that things with his new guy were going to be official soon and that they were having sex. I was angry that not only had he been giving me false hope but he in reality when he was say he had no time to come to Philly do to work and family things it was really because he was spending more and more time in New York with the new guy.

So after a drunken chat via Facebook and I sobered up I decided to do a grand gesture of love. I got dressed and went to NJ. By the second train he called me and we talked and once again I was given hope. With flowers in had I got in a cab and told him to look out his window. It was not to well received. We chatted and he told me he was unsure if things between us could work. He lived and worked in NJ and I lived and worked in PA. Being the hopeless romantic that I am could not see how that would be an issue. I loved him and always had. Even when I decided to try and date other people after I worked on me I knew that my heart could never let me love anyone else.

Heartbroken and clinging to a shred of hope from a promise that he would come down to visit I got into a cab doing my best to hold back the tears.

At the train station I found that it was 2am and the next train to Philadelphia was not till 7. So I had time to think and read. On the way up to Jersey I sent out text to all my friends in the area to see if they could give me a ride so I could win back the love of my life. Everyone was busy and all of our mutual friends knew about the new guy and referred to him as his new boyfriend and that he was very happy. Hope was shot down yet again.

I called my aunt and told her what happened and she told me to wait it all out and see what would happen. We talk for a good while until I realized I had not eaten since the day before. I immediately became fearful of my weight. I got off the phone and went to the only place that was open but even my shallow fear could not get me to eat so I pumped myself full of coffee and did some reading, created a new play list on my phone and did a lot of thinking about the old me, the new me, the old MeTo the new MeTo and many of my past relationships.

All my friends in Philly told me I was to good for him and I took it because they did not know all the things he did for me. They only saw the hurt and what was behind it.

I decided that when I got to Philly I would go to my grandmother's house and see what she needed help with. I figured I would help her take a nap then go to work. I help my grandmother with the little she needed help with but I was not tired, she offered me something to eat and after one bite I was not feeling hungry I tried to force myself to eat but it was not going down.

I took some time to relax and then got cleaned up and went to work. Everyone saw the hurt on my face despite how hard I tried to hide it. Here I was working on Christmas eve. The same time last year I was just getting off of work and running home to celebrate the holiday with MeTo's family and his grandmother's birthday. I beamed as everyone had fun, his grandmother loved the cake I created just for her and everybody was in stitches as we built the gingerbread house. There was so much activity and fun that the party was not over until well into Christmas morning.

This year I was going to work then get drunk afterwards. Tips were decent and my grandmother gave me a little cash so to Tabu then bike stop. On the way I had an idea, if MeTo was going to come down for a visit during his off week it had to be Tuesday.

A few drinks later it was only a little after midnight but with no food I was drunk and my stomach was a little irritated. On the way to the trolley via the underground I saw a man getting a blow job from another man, and a third man was keeping watch. There was only one person I could think of that would appreciate what I just witnessed.

I called Ivan and told him what I saw then we talked about the night before and then New Years. Then I realized I still needed to buy my Christmas cards. So I found some appropriate for my mothers family and some that I think are the cutest cards ever.

Once I got home I felt like eating so I got some Chinese food and passed out. I woke up trying to figure out what the hell I was watching on my computer and then the Merry Christmas text messages started. Some from people that I didn't expect to hear from. A guy who I honestly wanted to date but lost touch with and a guy I told I never wanted to hear from again.

Since I was up I sent Mr. M a text and he responded. I was shocked, he should be asleep but he responded then he called. We had a good long chat about my situation, then about the new me, then the new him and then we talked about dating experiences, and all the normal bull shit that friends talk about.

Mr. M and I have quite a unique friendship that works for us and a few other gays that I know. It like this boyfriend with out the title. We talk dirty, send dirty pictures, and say inappropriate things but we have no desire for a relationship. When we started talking about guy and he was telling me the guys he has dated and had sex with I thought my stomach was gonna drop like it did in the past but there was nothing, In fact I was a little happy to hear he was dating.

When he first called I was in the mood to be inappropriate, call it morning wood if you wish, but we began talking like old friends which killed that mood, yet some how through a little encouraging on his part there was the mutual watching of porn with then led to phone sex. It was a revisit to the night of my 22^nd Birthday party.

It was ironic about the same time last year MeTo convinced me to let him Shtup me and this year I was having phone sex, and it was Mr M's first time.  

And Tme Marches On. . .

One of the most fascinating things any human has to deal with is the grace at which we age. As children we look forward to birthdays with all the presents and cake and as we reach our teens we enjoy the added independence that each new year brings, at 16 we can drive, at 18 and can vote and then 21 we can do everything that everyone older than us can do, drink, drive, buy liquor we are legally allowed to do it all. Then comes the not so fun numbers like 25 and 30 and then 40 until the day we are senior citizens all the while we accept that getting older is better than the alternative.

Age brings wisdom and at 25 looking at someone who is 50 we realize that we are closer in age than we would care to be. We learn to enjoy the now and the responsibilities that now brings. We enjoy hanging out with our friends in our 20s and then we trade crazy club nights for quite dinner parties at 30 and so on and so forth and then family becomes more important and reminiscing with our peers. We humans may gripe about getting older but for the most part just stop and take a look. People in general deal with getting older rather well. On our birthday the shallowest of us will cry and pretend to be a different number than we really are but our friends are the same age and we do the things that say a 30 year old are supposed to be doing.

Sure getting older means closer to death in theory but because we know not the time that life timer will stop we learn to enjoy every moment. So how do we do it? How do we stop pretending that we have all the time in the world, how do we force ourselves to make great lasting memories, get off the couch, stop wasting time with TV program after TV program, video game after video game?

No one truly knows the answer to that, but I have found that a good indication to if you’re wasting your life is if you feel like you’re wasting your life. If you spend a whole day watching TV and you feel depressed, spend the next day, if you’re lucky, doing something different, like reading a book, spending time with friends and family, our simply building something that will last well after you are gone.

There are some days that I feel I am just wasting away waiting for the day when I am no more and it sometimes scares me then I remember I am not old and that I know not my expiration date. All I can do is make the most of each day. There are some days when I need to just sit still and watch TV to recharge my batteries, which simply means tomorrow I will go back to spending time writing, baking, cooking, reading, sewing, and learning all I can learn.

I am 25 going on 26 and while these numbers are not quite badges or honor what I have learned are and will make getting older more fun. I have lots to sit and reminisce about, the blanket I crocheted, those times I spent developing new recipes and all the stuff I learned from grandma and “dem.”

Previously in All of Indigo.

A long time ago a king gave a man some land to pay off a debt he had to the mans father. The man came to the new land and fell in love and decided to call it Pen's Woods or Pennsylvania and created a city of a simple layout called Brotherly love or Philadelphia.

The streets were numbers and trees with parks and before anyone knew it the city grew supper fast. People brought all kinds of different cultures which lead to arts, dancing, cooking and a whole melting pot of differences that later went to become Philadelphia the birth place of the country and later the birth place of VixcB.

I was born April 1^st 1986 and thats no joke. I grew up and experienced many of the different things my birthplace had to offer. There were friends that came and went but it was not until September 2006 that things were set in motion that would change my life forever. I met Erica in my Communications class at DCCC, Delaware County Community College. She then went to introduce me to Jaiye Taylor who I was not a fan of at first.

Then that summer I came out of the closet and Jaiye and I hit it off immediately, instant best friends. We were invited to every party and that's how I became friends with his ex Phil G who had just started attending Temple for premed. Then the following year we met RJ who was unsure about where his life was heading, he just knew he was going to have fun trying to figure it out.

Then in December 2008 I met MeTo, he was going to Rutgers University to get his PhD, it was not love at first sight but we soon fell hard. I moved into an apartment with him in NJ and things with my life got bad, the problems I hid for years started to surface. Two and a half years later I found myself engaged to a Doctor and moving back to Philadelphia alone.

I soon got a job at Starbucks where I met Icon an eccentric kid who enjoyed 90's black culture and was quite the socialite. I also met Ivan a conservative gay man from the Lehigh Vally. It was not long before I called things off with MeTo to deal with the issues that remained unknown to me but were causing problems in our relationship.

I I tried to work fast and MeTo and I remained friends but before I knew it there was another man in his life and I made it clear we were not finished. A trip to Philadelphia and the shit hit the fan there was so much drama in everyones lives. Its astonishing 4 months seem like a short amount of time but in that span things you never thought would happen, happen and now you have to deal as best you can.  

My Wish for New Years is "Tina's Wish."

(i. turner, t. turner) 
Producers: chris lord-aldge, tina turner and roger davies 
Album: what's love got to do with it (europe-94) 
Previously recorded by ike and tina as "tina's prayer" 
B-side of the "i don't wanna fight" single 

I'm talking to the priest 
The high priest 
And everybody out there in the universe 
If what I'm saying is wrong 
Then tell me the right way to say it 
Cause I wanna be made over 

Paint me red, paint me green 
Give me liberty, wash me clean 
Make me over, make me nice 
Cause when I'm done, lord, I wanna be right 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/t/tina+turner/tinas+wish_20137721.html ] 
Hey lord 
Make me over, I wanna be made over 
Hey lord 
Make me over, I wanna be made over 

Make me smart, make me king 
Give a lot, give me steam 
I want eternal beauty, spiritual things 
Cause when I'm done, yes I wanna be a good thing 

Hey lord 
Make me over, I wanna be made over 
Hey lord 
Make me over, I wanna be made over 

I wanna go places, I wanna do some things 
I wanna be a star, I wanna have a big name 
But in my heart, let beauty reign 
And when I'm done, I wanna have fame 

Lord make me nice, lord make me good 
Give me power, give me love 
I wanna be desireable, voluptous, tenderlized

A Little Drama?

Everyone who knows VixcB knows the one thing I hate the most in life is drama. I try to avoid unnecessary drama at all cost. I am careful when selecting friends, even more careful when selecting lovers, I do my best to communicate effectively and try to select the right words and terminology when expressing my opinions and in giving criticisms. For the most part I have done a great job at minimizing the drama in my life.

Sure you have probably read some of the blogs that drip of nothing but drama but as anyone knows you can not live a life completely drama free. Recently I told MeTo how I truly felt and even went as far as to show him with a grand gesture. Things did not go well and I left feeling blue and depressed. He later admitted the situation was due to poor communication.

Then Christmas came around and I was dealing with MeTo drama, I decided to visit my my mother and the emotions of my grandmother no longer being with us brought more drama, I went to see my uncle who is not doing to well and that was more drama, then a visit from MeTo brought more drama and then a night in the ER with my best friend was just the cherry this ice cream Sunday was missing.

When it rains it pours and the worst part about the rain is there is nothing you can do about it except to wait it out. Its hard though when you have a heart full of pain and you are trying to be there for people that are suffering just as much as you are.

When I stop and think about all the things that has happened this year I realize that there is even more to me that people don't know but should know, like my self-esteem issues.

I had told MeTo when we broke up that I needed to work on me, I had no idea what issues I had just that they were causing me to be self destructive and self defeating. No matter how great my life got I was not happy and could not enjoy it the way one should. So I called things off and began working on me. I discovered it was low self-esteem which caused me to conform in relationships instead of compromising. Once I tackled those issues I sat down to figure out who I wanted to be, what I wanted in life and my Non-Negotiables. I then had to get comfortable in the new me and I did. It was such an experience to talk about me and mean what I said, to have people see what I could see, and to see what many people had been seeing all along.

I soon knew that there was just one thing missing a man who deserved a guy like me and I went to get him back but it seemed like it was to late. What I had been told was a casual relationship turned out to be far more serious and I was heartbroken. I wish I had known the seriousness but did not and so allowed my self to hope and put myself on the line.

Things began to hit the fan one by one in rapid succession and I could not take it. Things were all beyond my control and now I feel like I am just a sitting duck waiting to get more bad news that will end it all and ruin the future I was planning for myself. Thank G-d for my friends who are keeping me on track and reminding me that each possible outcome can have a positive impact on my future if I let it.  

A Prayer for Sabbath and the New Year

We cannot merely pray to you, O G-d,
     to end war;
For we know that You have made the world
     in a way
That man must find his own path to peace.
Within himself and with his neighbor.
We cannot merely pray to You, O G-d,
     to end starvation;
For You have already given us the
     resources
With which to feed the entire world,
If we would only use them wisely.
We cannot merely pray to You, O G-d,
     to root out prejudice;
For You have already given us eyes
With which to see the good in all men,
If we would only use them rightly.
We cannot merely pray to You, O G-d,
     to end despair,
For You have already given us the power
To clear away slums and to give hope,
If we would only use our power justly.
We cannot merely pray to You, O G-d,
     to end disease;
For You have already given us great minds
With which to search out cures and healing,
If we would only use them constructively.Therefore we pray to You instead, O G-d,
For strength, determination and will power,
To do instead of just pray,
To become instead of merely to wish."

By:

Jack Riemer
Likrat Shabbat 

A Really OLD Friend

Today I talked to an old friend, someone that I told many people I would never deal with again but he seemed to show up when I was at my worst, we listened to Garbage and HIM in an attempt to make me feel better but before I knew it he was on my computer changing my facebook and even logged into our old blog. It was so scary having him back in my life we even died my hair black and just as quickly as he came he was gone.

I spent the rest of the day trying to make since of everything, I talked to My now former father in-law and his sister and they helped me gain perspective on everything. I was at my worse and it hurt because I was doing so well with everything. MeTo and I tried to discuss the possibility of getting back together but he was now not talking to me at all and my friend wanted to get revenge. To top it off Christmas brought up feelings that I hadn't dealt with as far as my grandmother's death, and at the end of the night I went to visit my uncle and he did not look well. My heart and mind were racing.

I went to work and tried to focus on my job but I could not, no matter how hard I tried. Before I knew it I was in the corner on the floor crying. How could MeTo say one thing and his actions another? Was my uncle going to make it? How could I let anger keep me from saying goodbye to my grand mother? How could a guy who I was doing a favor for, not prep everything? I was not eating and on average for every 48 hours I was only getting 6 hours of sleep.

I walked around center city after work and got some retail therapy, all things that I needed. I got home and laid down and I could not move, my body hurt so badly I could only move my finger and tried to call someone to help but no answer. I tried to call out but my voice was faint. I thought I might die I was in so much physical and emotional pain. Soon the pain died down just in time for Titus to show up. He got on my computer as I tried to clean my room and then we died my hair.

He left and I was alone to deal with my emotions, after giving my landlord the rent I decided to write MeTo a letter and sent him a text asking him to check his email. He was not answering his phone or responding to my text. I then put on War of the Roses, one of my favorite movies. I drifted in and out of sleep and when the movie was over I was fully awake. I had a missed call and a VM. Apparently MeTo pocket dialed. I tried calling him back and no answer.

I resumed cleaning and then Jaiye called and we chatted about everything. I needed the distraction. I then listened to the song. I had dedicated Beyonce's Hello to MeTo when we first started dating and I realized it still held true. I then realized that if you love something you have to set it free, if it comes back to you then its meant to be. The pain died down by a great degree. Instead of wanting to run away from the hurt I decided I would let MeTo be happy in his new relationship if thats what he wanted. I would even try to remain friends.

Its hard to let the love of you life go for real and even harder to see that he is happy with someone else. However in all of this I got something that I wanted for years, a positive self image, I gained the ability to love me first. So I know I am not ready for dating now, I am way to hurt. I will however keep an open mind and stay positive that love will find me again.  

Cologne, Style, Hygiene and Etiquette

Have you ever walked past someone and found yourself wondering, “What is that smell?” sometimes its soft and welcoming, sometimes it lingers pleasantly but more often than not it’s a hard hit to the nostrils. Club night is the only night one can expect for this not to happen, with most gay men smelling like something from Hollister, Abercrombie and Fitch, or Axe. In the end the club smells the same it does every night, like a bunch of gay men about to have sex. All men who bother to don cologne love the way it makes them smell and give them a strange amount of confidence. Even the most attractive man seems to think he can now go after the hottest guy in the place.

I remember a time I was hanging out with new friends and one of them just had to have certain cologne, it was the only one he wore. He got it I smelled it and all I could say ways, “It smells like Woody’s on a Wednesday night.” Needless to say it was taken as an insult. We remain friends via Facebook.

 Sure from the bottle it smells one way but once it contacts skin and mixes with ones natural smell it becomes something slightly different. I however can tell a scent no matter who is wearing it. I know my favorites such as Romace, Obsession, Polo Blue, Axe, and a plethora of others. I knew them so well that many guys have no idea what I am talking about until I describe the bottle. Obviously these are the kinds that just put shit on that they think smells good.

As for the 90% of men who wear cologne it is obvious they love it, some to the point they bathe in it and those are the ones you cannot say anything to. They are the ones who might put on chap stick to finish off their look, mean while their hair could use some product and a lint roller would only do them good. It is a losing battle, there are men who look great rolling out of bed, spend the necessary time to primp and one or two sprits of their favorite sent and they go off to date the most unattractive person. Then there is the guy who looks ok, throws on whatever and goes on his way, he just so happens to be dating a guy who looks great and spends all the time in the world to get his hair, face and outfit looking just right and puts on just enough bottled sent to just bring it all together. 

Oddly enough the guy who looks ok, demands the best from everyone in areas where no one else can see, Quite a conundrum.

I dated a guy who was the type of guy who looked his best only when necessary. I have to admit when he puts his mind to it, with little effort he looks like a million bucks, pardon the cliché. On the day to day he is not that charming. He is a brain who spends all his time doing things like, work, computer games, and watching Startreck. He however demanded that I keep the house clean, the bedroom tidy and provide dinner whenever he could not or did not feel like cooking. I had no qualms with this, but when you spend a good amount of time looking your best, Hair treatments, Facials, pedicures, manicures, makeup when necessary, and occasionally getting teeth whitened, It is a bit off putting when a man who is wearing the same outfit as yesterday comes at you for sex, or pouts because it’s been a week since you have had sex and he wants a blow job.

Why kiss a man whose mouth never smells minty fresh, or cuddle when he smells not so clean. Is it wrong to try and keep some distance between you and this man who on average is a bit of a cave man? I enjoy being whisked of my feet by prince charming at least once a week.

There are some things that should never be negotiable, Daily showering, brushing of one’s teeth and using mouthwash and floss, combing hair, wearing the same outfit and socks two days in a row is never ok. Certain measures are taken to ensure that one looks and smells his best and if these measures are not taken seriously then distance is the inevitable outcome.

Proper decorum is also the biggest turn on anyone could ask for. A man who says please and thank you, one who excuses himself from the table for bodily functions and says excuse me by habit when air comes out from other places than the nose. A man who never slurps, or chews with his mouth open or eats with his fingers is not a nicety it is a necessity.

I never understood why such habits exist. Why do some parents allow, smacking lips and slurping? They are disgusting sounds and should never be herd. There are certain things that people do to show that they care for and respect those around them, Proper Table manners, Social etiquette, and Proper Hygiene are among the top important.  There is no point in time that someone should deviate from these. It is called being rude for a reason to, showing inconsideration is the same as showing disrespect.

So with all of this said what would you do if you did your best to, appear, smell, conduct yourself in a proper fashion but there are one or two men in your life that do not, such as a boyfriend?

Merry Christmas Indeed

Weather you were Naughty or Nice, Hope Santa brought you a gift that was just Right!

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A Prayer for Xmas

"Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.


"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE ... I PRAY FOR A NEW XBOX ... I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD-PLAYER ..."


His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

Lets Answer this Riddle. . .

Three things that everyone wants and lots of them are Sex, Money and love. Its funny how money can buy sex and love can bring sex but love won’t get you money and money can’t get you love. So we work hard in hopes that our career will bring us happiness and lots of money and while the money won’t give us love it will make finding it a whole lot easier.

What do you do when you have found love but you long for money? Or what do you do when you have found love you have money but the sex is just not where it should be even after you have worked on it?

Life throws you a bone once in a while but how do you know which you should jerk and keep and which you should just let go soft?

Some Roommates

(I wrote this back when i was engaged and living in Jersey. There was a huge fight and things got akward for a lil bit. I think what ever anyone can pull from this is still valid.)

It is no secret that I am spoiled in many aspects. My first Fulltime job, my relationship with my sister, my first roommate and the first love of my life, all have been above exceptional. I never understood how some people hated their roommates. That is until I did a recent evaluation of a bad roommate. There are certain instances where certain people should not be mixed, like having your best friend move in with you and your boyfriend.

Recently I have learned that when you’re in a relationship things spill out and onto others, this is something I have always figured with my friends but never experienced. There are times when a couple has a fight and the good friend tries to be just that and gets some of the spill over. Normally this is understood and the “Good Friend” knows that so long as he remains neutral and slightly pushes for the relationship then he will remain in good light. This was me always encouraging my friends to remain happy first but being the hopeless romantic, any friend who does less is not a friend.

This all becomes even more difficult if said friend lives with you and is seen more as a child and dependant than a friend or roommate.

In the event that a friend chooses sides and is not seen as someone who is on the side of a peaceful reconciliation then, well what can both parties do if they get back together? The other is an outsider who is “that guy” the one who doesn’t want things to work he is an enemy to the relationship.

Now if you add the fact that they live together, that “that Guy” is seen as someone who needs to be taken care of in the since of, told when to do things, reminded when to pay bills, cleaned up after he now becomes, “That Guy” minus respect. What does one do when you live with an immature ex-friend who is agents your relationship? Do  apologize for the spillover, do you give him a piece of you mind, or do you allow him to walk around like a big baby, intentionally not acknowledging your presence or giving you the money he owes you.  Do you have your boyfriend get involved or do you pull a Vixc-B?

 One could say that you cut him off much like you would do a child. Stop cleaning up after him, cut him off from the things you purchased to make the house run efficiently. Or you could just get even. The simplest form would be to apologize so everything would go back to normal but where is the fun in that? You become the one buying his toilet paper, paper towels, napkins, he will still use your microwave and leave it a mess, use your pots and pans leaving them a mess, borrowing your tools,  using your phones, and pretending you never clean. He will still continue to buy whatever is cheaper when you do ask him to buy house supplies, the brands that last a few days and don’t get anything clean, you know the products that are on the shelves as filler and have dust on them.

So I am at a cross roads. It is clear this person doesn’t like me which is fine and good, it is clear he is not fond of the fact I am engaged to his other roommate, it is clear that he wants an apology, but I am stubborn and I don’t respect him. I find him to be a shady character that I have not been able to trust for almost a year. My thoughts could go on and on. So I have decided even after my fiancé has asked me to apologize that I will not. When he starts acting like an adult then I can attempt to be his friends but until then as it stands now. After the lease is up he is getting cut off.

Recently in Indigo

My life has been one rapid moving roller coaster ever since I quit my job at Starbucks. It was an odd night when a supervisor decided to constantly push my buttons. At one point he picked an argument and I told him not in front of customers. He continued and I took o my hat and quit. It was the first time I walked off of a job but I was told I did the right thing.

While things at Serafina were slow I was offered the opportunity to train and become the second night baker. So things started picking up and before I knew it my life was totally different.

Novemebr 15 I moved into my new place which although temporary is shitter than the last. I found a way to make it work. The time soon came when I was ready to start dating and with my social life, dating, work and school I was catching sleep where I could.

Soon it was December and each week brought more work hours than the week before. MeTo would call me everyday on his way from work and we would catch up. I found it odd how we would talk everyday but most days it felt like he was pushing me away or didn't care about how sad I was because I could not decorate for the holidays.

Then the day of three dates came about. I met first with an Ausie who was about to leave town, then MeTo and then Matthew. The Ausie was older looking in person and a total turn off. MeTo and I tried to keep things friendly over dinner and Matthew and I tagged teamed showing each other a night on the town. After Matthew met my Friends Icon and Kwame I knew he was a keeper although temporary.

I went on to have predates with two other guys which led to two actual dates. Devin a PhD student who on paper reminded me so much of MeTo it was scary and Ty a DJ who I found not so physically attractive but our conversations were stellar.

Soon after my two real dates I told Matthew how I really felt and we decided to hang out and it was a fun night, friends and drinking and a thong that was not supposed to be seen. We then went on to dirty text and the possibility of showing each other a “different” side.

Soon an old coworker came back to town and a night on the town was held in his honor. I got a chance to dance hard like I did before I was in a serious relationship living in Jersey. Thar Sunday Icon and I decided to go to 90's night at Woody's and I danced harder and longer. It felt so great to work mucels that I had not worked in what felt like ages.

Soon it was finals week and studying replaced parting and late nights drinking. The week looked grim and I woke up Tuesday with a cold. While finals went well work got a little crazy and a conversation with MeTo left me wondering, No matter what, my temper was that of, and would always be, a Bitch. 

A Homo-normal is a Hetero-Normative

I was talking to my friend Phil a while back and he coined the term, Hetero-normative. It came up in a discussion about how in many gay relationships one plays the role of the “Girl” and the other plays the role of the “Guy.” In many male gay relationships there is a bottom and a top and when it comes to hetero-normative the bottom is the “girl.”  

Why is the bottom the girl? Well like in a heterosexual relationship the girl is the one who takes the dick, the girl is the one who says sex is or is not happening. She is predominantly the one, who is left cooking, cleaning, nagging, and being nurturing.

I know for a fact that almost no gay relationship is that cut and dry and that one must take into consideration, versatile relationships. I also am aware that no heterosexual relationship is that stereotypical. Many men will be left holding the cleaning bag or are the cook or nag for the girl to pull her share but hetero-normative go off of stereotypes and are fairly accurate when it comes to gay relationships where there is a bottom and top. 

Needles to say Phil and I are both bottoms. Phil is a rules guy, he goes on dates and normally doesn’t pay and reserves sex for when things are official, condoms are required until after 6 months of dating and STD test has been taken by both parties. Phil is a smart guy and he is a force to be reckoned with considering most men who are tops feel all things are 50/50 until it comes to the bed room, then there is a well-defined taker and giver.

However it is quite interesting how a relationship’s dynamic will change once sex is involved. Once sex is involved the top is at the whim of the bottom unless he decides he wants to move on. All men want sex and it is interesting to what lengths one will go to get it. The top is the head and the bottom the neck and he turns the top anyway he wants. A top that pisses off his bottom will quickly make things right because it will mean that he will not be having sex until the bottom wants to.

As time in a hetero-normative relationship progresses the bottom quickly realizes that sex alone is not enough to keep things going. There is a shift like in a heterosexual relationship. The top begins to demand more of his bottom and if the bottom fails to deliver it becomes quickly known that the top can get sex someplace else.

So many times the bottom will pick one or more of the classic, “Women” chores. Such as cleaning or cooking. When love comes into the picture there is another shift and thus is typically the last shift in power. The bottom is now cooking and or cleaning and dictating when they have sex, the top has someone to love and his bottom and likes that fact that he pretty much gets what he wants when he wants it, the bottom makes it so because he wants to keep his top. The bottom gets what he wants because the top likes having sex whenever he wants.

At some point the question of living together or marriage come into place It is a tough one, once the question has been asked its either move forward or stay awkward.

Once living together new problems arise it becomes simply easier to deal with things the same way heterosexual couples would deal with them. The bottom ends up being the voice of a woman and the top ends up being the man and things go on like this until the end of the relationship or in the rare case till one dies.

We grow up in a world where there are lines and definitions. When something new comes into the mix we simply make translations. Before the time when gay relationships were acceptable you had man and woman and woman stayed home to birth babies and tend house. You have to admit the world has changed greatly.

Happy Chanukah

To all My fellow Jews 

Tabu Lounge & The Waiter

My two new friends and I got really busy doing our own things, Ivan was dealing with his stuff, Icon was planning events and I was dealing with my trifecta, Work, School, Men.

Soon my work schedule stabilized and Icon, Ivan and I were hanging out more, our favorite spot became Tabu Sports Lounge.

One night when hanging out with Icon he showed the Bartender his ID and the price dropped from 4.50 for his City Wide to 3 something. That is when he explained the Industry discount and ever since I got my sticker it has been or default.

Tabu had been one of my spots ever since I found out I dated the manager Adam. During my stent living in Jersey whenever I came to Philly I would stop buy and if he was not working he would by me a drink and we would catch up. I got to know a lot of the people that worked there. Adam then moved away and I had no real reason to stop by until one of the guys from Pita Pit started working as a bar back. To support him I would stop by from time to time and have a drink.

Then Ivan saw the place and fell for it, and before I knew it, it was the preferred spot in the Gayborhood over Woody’s. Lots of memories were made in Tabu, some involving, Raymone and a few others.  

There was a night when I was hanging with the guys and I pointed a few people out to them, there was my favorite bar back, the new bar back my friend, the bartender who I could not help but flirt with, and a waiter whom I had heard things about from Adam when he worked there.

That same night the waiter walked over to us and over herd me talking about how I used to be a house wife. He smiled and shot me a look of interest. Hard to believe there are some gay men out there who want that 50’s life but with a man. I was kind of flatted when he asked, “What’s wrong with that?” I always thought he was cute.

A few nights later he came over and started talking to Icon about his upcoming reggae night. Icon told him about some of his parties, the most recent being Dassit, the electro soul funk party where he performed. The two exchanged numbers and I pretended to be angry, we just laughed.

As we frequented Tabu more and more we bumped into him more and one night I decided to take his number from icon and put an end to the madness.  The thing was he came off as totally straight and I was attracted to him, and in cases such as these they always turn out to be straight.

I sent him a polite text saying hi and the conversation ensued.  I eventually did ask what his deal was and he asked why. I figured what is the worst that could happen. I told him that I thought he was hot but didn’t want to mess up what could be a friendship if he was not into me like that. He never did answer my question but it was insinuated he might go for guys.

Later there was a comment about a white horse and a few other things that sent me into a state of confusion. I had walked away from the first conversation thinking he was not into me, and the second conversation left me thinking he liked white guys, but there was a white horse in the room and the other comments are just to Taboo to mention.   

Dating 101

I think enough time has passed since the break up. To prepare myself for the big world of dating again I decided I would take an almost scientific approach. One day while browsing through books in my second favorite bookstore, I saw a book that was on my list, Boyfriend 101.

I had just read Sex and the City, and decided that I was in fact a lot like Carrie and MeTo was such a Mr. Big. I needed to fix that. So I decided to take what I would learn in the book and apply it to my dating life. The book, although a little dated, was full of useful advice. The best pieces of advice were the sections on predating and how to act on the first few dates.

I am a bit of an open book, so I tend to just let conversations flow without filtering the information that might scare some people off.  It was kind of funny that in a matter of a week I went from the spastic book version of Carrie to the TV version of Charlotte, I was a rules boy.

Ivan was afraid that if I started dating I would have less time for friends and I assured him that would not be the case. To be honest I would need my friends more than ever now. I would need feedback and advice on whether or not certain guys were worth pursuing.  

One night over drinks I explained some of my new rules for dating based on the book and while at first they laughed they soon realized it made since. So I decided to test it.

I went to a4a and tweaked my profile and got a few guys in line to predate. One of which was Matthew.

Matthew and I met for coffee at my old Starbucks and I immediately noticed his smile. A heavy set guy but it was evident he took good care of himself. After I grabbed my triple, 5 pump, soy, peppermint mocha, we went for a walk and talk.  It would seem that a walk and talk is the best kind of predate.

We ended up in same branch of my second favorite book store where I bought the book, and stood in a random section and talked about what made us, us. He was going to leave the country for two years in March to help a third world country. So I thought this was perfect, this guy would be experiment guy, I would use him to tweak my dating skills.

The good thing about the experiment guy and the fact you never tell them you read a book on dating is that they don’t know you made a dating Faux Pas. For example: one should never discuss the issues they have with their parents, one should avoid talking about exes and predates should remain short and sweet.

Remember how I said I am an open book and I just let the conversation flow? Well before I knew it I mentioned MeTo, how I don’t talk to my mother which then required an explanation and we spent maybe 2 hours in that store.  But he was sweet and cute, every time he smiled my toes wanted to curl, his personality was so attractive I could not help myself.

Soon it was time for him to go and we walked out together and promised we would hangout again, “Hangout?” I did not want a buddy to hang out with, I wanted a guy that I could date and eventually have sex with. But I like they say there are plenty of fish in the sea and I had another predate already scheduled with a guy named Don.