Two Sides of One

Every coin has two sides and it would seem the same holds true for people. When you take a guy like me, at first I seem like this party boy but on the other hand I seem like the perfect homebody.

When I lived with my Fiancée in Jersey I was a doting house husband. I got pleasure out of cooking, cleaning, crocheting, baking, sewing and having get-togethers. However there was a part that was missing, it was a major part that ultimately made me call things off with my fiancée. I was and am a social butterfly, I need to be able to go out and meet new people and have a good time with friends.

Well I moved back to Philly in hopes of becoming the person I once was and before I knew it I realized I was unhappy. While going out on the regular and living like most gay men there was something missing. I could not bake, cook or do any of the other things I liked to do when I was in NJ. It was sad when I realized one day I had the desire to sew something and couldn't because I did not have the room.

So here I am again trying to figure out how to make my life work. This time I know who I am and what I require I just have to get it.  

Vixc-B

It is amazing how quickly you can lose yourself. It is even more amazing when trying to figure out how you want to change you forget who you are and where you come from.

In the past 4 years I have been a lot of different people and lived in a few different places, each guy I date is more different than the last and I have had many different jobs.

When I look back at that 21 year old who just came out of the closet, I am comforted and scared. When I was 21 I swore I would never wear makeup, wear girls clothing, sleep around, or live my life for my man.

Well looks like I broke all my promises. I learned so much in the past few years. I learned how to put makeup on and still look like a boy. I learned how to wear girls clothes and look like a boy. While I have had a few partners no one can really call me a whore. Even when I was with MeTo I didnt really live my life for him but I did make some sacrifices that I should not have made.

Now here I am at 25 and trying to find out, “Who is Vixc B?” the comforting part about this is I have found that every friend I have is friends with me for the same reason, they have told me I am funny, creative, stylish, caring, honest and simply fun to be around. Well not much has changed since 21.

Now I have gained a few skills, Dancing, Crocheting, Cooking, Baking, Style, I know how to throw a hell of a party. I could not do any of the preceding when I came out the closet except maybe dance. In the acquisition of my skills and talents, the places I was in and the people I was with it seemed that I was loosing myself and adjusting to my environment. Well the funny part in all of this, Is that the other day I had the desire to sew something, then to bake something, I thought about sitting down to crochet and I realized that I learned all of the things I learned because when I wanted to learn as I child it was denied to me, now as an adult I had the means to learn and I did it.

The me at 21 was a deprived person, the person I am now is the person I was always ment to be. I am learning how to love me, the past, present, and future. I enjoy learning and I know what I want to learn and I am learning it. I set a plan and things are falling into place. I should relax and stop trying to make things happen because my friends like Vixc B and I like Vixc-B and I have had love and some day a real Man will love Vixc-B Romantically and deeply as someone should be loved.

Now to just quit smoking.  

The Perfect "Gay." Part One

The gays are known for many things and in the things the gays are known for I would say maintaining an air of perfection at all times is the most famous. Among perfection we must be creative, handy, stylish, good dancers, well groomed, have disposable income, know how to have a good time, the best places to eat and decent jobs that keep our perfect lives well funded. The gays are also known for stylish parties and superb taste in music. With this stereotype or gross exaggeration it makes it a little difficult to be a perfect gay.

Many of the gay men that I have met are lucky to have two or more from the for mentioned list. I know poor gays, I know plenty with no style or fashion since, there are those with no jobs yet alone credit cards and more than most have jobs and apartments they hate because well they are not those of the perfect gay.

So what can gay men do? It would seem that if your not a perfect gay then your free time should be spent trying to become the perfect gay. This I must admit would seem to be the case with all my gay friends. Some of us are in school and others are scheming to find fame and fortune. We take the cards we have and are trying to make the most of them. Weather its taking a cheep apartment and decorating it in such a manor that it just sparkles a gleams or take the little bit of money we have and stretch the hell out of it by bargain hunting and mixing big labels with Walmart and Target to create a style that is our own and makes people think we know where to find one of a kind items.

I am not saying there is any one to blame for this image of gays to be quite honest in this time where its becoming more and more accepting to be who you are we gays are our own worst enemy. We judge each other and sometimes say and do things to make our brethren feel small so we can feel big. In turn they pay it forward so it is always going around to the point that each gay feels they have to out do the other weather it is with a better job, hot boyfriend or boyfriends, better style or more expensive clothes or by whom they know.

To be quite honest I would like to have it all and I am working towards it. I want the expensive stylish wardrobe, the large house with room to entertain, lavish vacations and a dreamy husband to boot. I want to know the who’s who and have a place in society as “So and So.” To be honest we gays simply took the American dream and made it our own in such a way that its ultimate, we want it and demand it of all those in and near our circle. A gay man rather hate a guy because he has something he doesn't than to hate a guy because the other is just plane mean.

The gays are also known for their flair for drama.  

OK, Yes, I am Flawed.

My heart has always gotten me in the most trouble. My love for my friends and family has allowed me to take the fall for things we all did or things that I knew about but felt they should not get in trouble for. Growing up I tried to take the burden off my mother simply because I didn't want to see her stressed.

As an adult my fear in becoming a gay stereotype has a allowed myself to fall for guys that I had no business falling for. Mr. M, Mr. MeTo, and most recently JR. I have had plenty of boyfriends but I always go for the ones who seem like they don't care. With the exception of MeTo and Chris, every guy I dated used me then tossed me aside. Sure there were those two week-ers that I saw no potential in but can I really be held accountable by karma and fate? Thats the reason you date to see if there is compatibility. I never lied to a guy and I never intentionally lead them on.

So then why do I keep falling for the REALLY wrong guys? Is it timing? I was told by M that I should take time being single which was the goal but the other night he pointed something out that I thought no one else noticed and I hopped no one else noticed. He told me that when I get into a relationship I lose myself, I conform and give in more than compromise. It was that major reason that I called things off with Dr. MeTo. I felt and still feel that if I don't stay true to me first, then I can not stay true to someone who is more than friends. Which would explain why I cheated on him. Sure with MeTo I became a different person that everyone liked but I felt like I was acting most days and it made me sad.

So now here I am single with no potentials. I have decided to swear of sex and I am not looking for a boyfriend or a guy to give me a good time. I would like to surround myself with friends and make some awesome memories.

Recently I tried to change for myself and I realized that I need not become a new person but take the several different people that I have been over the past 4 years and meld them into the Victor I like and love. I used to be known for my love a checker prints and now its sparkle. I used to be the life of the party then I simply became the host, I have a style that is all my own and I used to have no real style. So yeah I am a bit of a Carrie Bradshaw.

Sure I don't have a Mr. Big and to be honest I hate heartache just as much as I hate gamers, lairs, and unnecessary drama. So here is my list of things to work on.

My flaws

I have a fear of being hurt

I trust the wrong people

I always learn the hard way despite what ever warnings I get.

I back down when I should stand my ground

I am stubborn when I should be laid back

I give my heart to easily

I can take a joke to far

I am vindictive

I wear my emotions on my sleeve

I try to please the wrong people

I don't know how to express my emotions or when I have an issue

I don't know how to ask for help   

New Me

	Luciana - I'm Still Hot .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

What Am I Not Seeing

So it has been a crazy time with MeTo and I trying to figure the friend thing out, planning a sudden move, dealing with school, bills catching up, new job, new and old friends and the clash. I think maybe a recap is an order.

So its well known that I am in school for Culinary Arts and that my dream is to one day have my own bakery cafe. So I had no idea how much extra Books, supplies, and uniforms cost. I was hopping to have financial aid to pay for it all but an oversight on the part of an individual at my school cause me to have to wait. In the short version JR tried to comfort me and it was a good effort but I still became depressed and MeTo lent me the money to go to school. Then LAB lent me 310 for books and supplies and my buddy Matt gave me 100 as a gift. I just made it.

Then I decided I had had enough of Starbucks and all their bull shit and began looking for another job. I made the information known to customers and may began giving me their contact info to be a reference. However it was one customer in particular whom we will call Nate, told me to try his job at Serifina. Serifina is an Italian restaurant with a bakery cafe attached, Nate thought I would be better off there as a barista then at Starbucks, and so I went it. Little did I know that my recommendation was so high that the interview process was such a formality that I I was simply told to call back and get my training schedule.

I was so excited but when I sent JR the text saying I was in school and had a new job it was a few days b4 he hit me up. For some reason no matter what I tried he was distant. I focused on school and work and before I knew it I was not leaving Starbucks. So I had two jobs and more responsibility. But the sad part was the guy I was now ready to start dating was distant so I cut him out.

Then I get a text from him telling me he lost his job so I tried to be there for him and tried to call to talk to him and it was at the point everything we ever sad was now via text, when we used to talk at least every other day. This went on until I got a text from him saying he was seeing someone else. He was quite cold and did not show any concern for my feelings. My friends told me to just let it go.

Before I knew it I was smoking more than I ever did before, drinking more than I ever did before and eating less, some days I even vomited what little I drank. Everything was crashing down. I had to find a new place to live and the potential new roommates were all acting like ass holes. So I shut the world out. Thats when I saw who my rel friends were, Icon and Ivan. When ever I saw them they would sympathize with me and sometimes simply listen. They were there for me and they were concerned. It was see this that made me want to change a few things.

I decided to, quit smoking, do a detox get to my goal weight and then start working out. Of coarse having just been jilted I changed my hair too. I also decided to hold off on dating and get my mind and heart right along with my body.

A major player in all of this was Mr M. it was he that I called the night JR sent me those text and it was he that was there when I knew everyone else was at work or dealing with other things. We commiserated, advised and even pointed out some major flaws and one of mine that he pointed out that I hoped no one else saw, when I am in a relationship I conform instead of compromising. I try to be the person I think they want and not myself. Looks like M is a good friend who is willing to point out my flaws. 

The Parade of Exes

  

When I moved back to Philly it was the same thing, catching up with old friends. This included exes, the one ex that always remained like a Canadian quarter was of course Louise and from Louise there was Alex and then Raymone and of course Damien.

Damien and I tried to give it a go recently and cleared the air about the past; however he was still a poor kisser and did not choose he words wisely. There was the night we made plans to meet up and I told him I could not make it because I was not feeling well, His response, “Ok ttyl.”

“Really,” I thought. How can you say you like someone that you have known for 5 years and when they tell you they are not feeling well just give them that? He could have at least said, “Oh that sucks, hope you feel better soon, call you tomorrow.” I think that sounds like someone who cares.

After Damien I realized that it was time to clean out the closet. My standards in men had become greatly higher. I was engaged to a Jewish doctor for heaven's sakes. Louis decided to end our friendship and I deleted Damien from my phone, along with Alex and Mr. M.

When I moved back, Mr. M and I we were talking on the regular, we were officially long distance friends. But he then made a trip to Philly and did not tell me. I just happened to ask what he was doing the night he got in town. He was here for a week and I tried to meet up with him but he stopped returning text and calls so I erased him. I knew if I was going to move on in life I had to let go of baggage that was weighting me down.

Raymone and I parted as friends he had his new boy toy and I had almost no respect for him anymore so it was the best thing for us.

After I called things off with Dr. MeTo it took a month, but nights started getting lonely and with the fall fast approaching, cold too. So I knew of an ex that I hoped would have gotten better with age, The Reverend. We dated back when I was 20 and in the closet and he claims I kicked him to the curb but we remained distant friends.

Most recently we began talking via Facebook and decided to hook up. From the moment he called me I knew it was a bad idea. He had the impression that my night would go on pause since I made plans with him. He got angry when I didn’t respond to his text because I was on the phone. Then he got angry when I decided to go to Walgreens for a snack and water.

When we got back to my place he began trying to assert that he still wanted me and felt he had a claim. I   politely put him in his place. We showered and got in bed and what should have been a pleasant walk down memory lane turned into a visit to the doctor’s office.

There were so many questions and once he got started it was uncomfortable and just downright sloppy. I almost told him to, “Get the hell off me.” but I maintained composure and watched to see how he would handle himself. Needless to say it was a party so I came but it was still a bad party.

Loneliness will make you do some stupid things. While M was no longer in my phone he was still on my Facebook and one night like I dummy I decided to post on his wall, “Hi.” The next day I got a text and thus started a reconnection.

Mr. M, I have a feeling there is something I am not seeing.

Rough

Life always gets good and right when you get used to things, BAM you are quickly reminded that things can go from bad to worse just as fast as they can go from good to great.

I had decided to look for a new job and told a few customers at Starbucks that I was on the search. I was then told that a restaurant not far from my current job was hiring. I went in to drop off my resume and before I knew it I had a new job. The restaurant is Serafina and they have a bakery cafe and need another Barista, how perfect.

I then typed my two weeks and dropped it off at Starbucks. I was just given the job of Communications Specialist in an attempt to keep me on, but this was a dream job, to work in a bakery cafe and learn all about the type of business I wanted to eventually own. I was on cloud nine and before I knew it my boss at Starbucks convinced me to stay for one or two days a week. That works out, this way I get my benefits from Starbucks.

Just when I thought I had a hold on everything my financial aid check came in the mail, time to start looking seriously for an apartment. A few of us from 16^th Walnut decided to move in together and thats where my drama started.

JR had been playing the, “I am bizzy” game, looking for jobs, social obligations and all that jazz. One night I saw him at his favorite spot and he avoided me. So I left and texed him, he told me he did not see me and that he would have said hello if he had. I asked him for the 10^th time to level with me and he told me he just started seeing someone else. I was shocked to see that I was hurt deeply. I just got Jilted.

The next week was rough I stopped eating and there was a lot of throwing up. The apartment search gave me no avail two crappy places and my roommates to be were not paying attention to the important stuff like cost of utilities and lack of storage. Then one of them backed out suddenly. So we were down to four.

I tried to get in touch with Jaiye and nothing, my other best friend acted like she didn't care. My current roommates were pressuring me to move and with starting a new job and dealing with school, I began smoking like a chimney and drinking like a fish. It got so bad that one day while at Starbucks I took my ten to have a drink.

I began praying and asking G-d to just make it stop, heal my heart and show me an awesome affordable apartment I can afford.

One night I was venting to my friend Icon and he suggested that I hang with him and Ivan. So I did and it was a hell of a night and before I knew it, it was a regular thing. It was us three and we loved every second we spent together at work and outside of work. I had hung out with them before and had a good time and considered them friends but now they became best friends.

My heart still hurts a little and I am still in the same south Philly apartment but that is going to change soon.  

A Gay Affair, but One to Remember?

It would seem that gay men are incapable of having a romantic affair. They find a gay man willing to have sex with them, the do the deed and then for one reason or another they never see each other again or things just end.

Most recently I decided to let my hair down and had an affair with a coworker. I felt that it was OK because this person had put their two weeks in and was moving to a state that I planned never to visit without a good reason. We had been joking sexually since the day we met and I never took him serious until the day after I spent the night.

I wanted to see if there was any seriousness to his jokes, so I went to his place and we talked, watched a movie and then he gave me some shorts to sleep in. I had not planned to spend the night but after I thought about it, it was much safer for me to stay.

He was nice and the type of guy who was a gentleman, a dying breed. We slept with space between us and I was wondering if he would make a move but he did not. The morning I left I got a text saying something along the lines that the next time we were going to get sexual, I took it to be half a joke.

A few days later I went to his house and it was the same routine except this time there were no shorts and my underwear were way to skimpy. He then joked about me kissing him, so I kissed him to see what he would do and before I knew it I was naked and singing my favorite song.

Things did not get awkward and we did a good job of hiding what happened. We went to karaoke and that night it was better than the first. We both were shocked, I always thought I was just OK and he thought the same about himself but we told each other other wise.

I did not got to work to see him his last day. We did bump into each other his last day in the city and we joked and chatted like before. It was a rainy day and he was going to meet a friend and I was going home to do laundry. This is the part there would be some romantic ending but there is not. I gave him change for a five so he could catch the bus and we parted ways.

This was not my first affair of this nature, I meet a guy and it turns out to be just sex. Yeah I like to call it an affair when we connect on a level that is not just sex but not a relationship. This was maybe the second guy this has happened with. But the trend is the same it just ends, no romantic cliche last time before they move which is typically the case.

To be honest I wish this one had ended with a little romance some tribute to the fact that we connected as friends as well as lovers. In stead it just . . .

Am I Character?

Back when I first came out many of my friends would play the game, “Which one are you.” the game where you take a show that you know well and decide who in your group is the same as in the TV show's group. We would do, Desperate Housewives, Noah's Arc, and of course, Sex and the City.

I used to love to write and was a bit of a hopeless Romantic so because of my looks and innocent hope to find true love I was always voted to be Noah. Also Because I loved to write and was not as out there as some people but more open than others I was always Carrie. As time went on my friends enjoyed pointing out how I was such a Carrie. There was just one thing, I did not have a MR. Big.

It would seem that almost all gay men have a Mr. Big, that guy that they date on and off because they are to perfect for each other and don't want to admit it. While I carried a flame for Mr. M we did not fit the Carrie & Big pattern.

The day came when I fell in love with someone else and we got engaged and once again the Carrie reference was made. I got to my moms and was quite ill my sister told me to take the ring off before I threw up like Carrie. I was in such shock that she said it because I was secretly thinking it. I was not a fan of the ring and the thought of marriage had always been just that, a thought. With Mr. M on the west coast and out of my life Mr. MeTo kept looking more and more like Aidan. Right down to the love of simplicity, the country and working with his hands.

I began to think was I really a Carrie? It was not long before Mr. M was back in my life, via text. I began feeling trapped in my suburban life. It was here that I became Bree Van de Kamp. I became a “Domestic g-d.” I discovered the joys of baking, cooking, maintaining a clean home, hosting parties, decorating and all things domestic. The rolls in my life became blurred, I was Carrie mixed Charlot, or Bree mixed with Gabby. My head was spinning. Who was I any more? I went from wanting to be a model and writer to a chef and cookbook author.

The day came when I looked in my closet and saw that I still dressed like a party boy and so I went to a party. I had fun without my husband to be. I started to go to Philly again and found the old me waiting. I felt alive.

When I moved back I felt a bit of Samantha Jones come out and I went wild. I explored new aspect of my sexuality and before I knew it. It was the parade of the Exes. 

J.R. Big.

So I mentioned before about a guy I call JR who I thought was going to be an exception to the “J” rule. As it would turn out he was not. There a several types of men in the world, the ones who do anything to have you, the ones who will play games to get you, the ones who don't want you and the ones who only want you when they cant have you.Damien, Raymone and JR are the three men in my lfe that have proven to only want me when they cant have me.

I met JR while working at Starbucks and he was quite taken with me and once I was free he seemed to lose interest for various reasons. It went from hot nights alone to crazy nights with friends to me bringing him coffee to his job with nothing in return.

I met the majority of JR's friends and they all liked me, not just liked me but liked me for JR and all my friends that knew JR wanted us to get together. So I opened myself up. I even went to him one night totally stressed out and vented and he listened. There are few people in this world that I allow to see my vulnerable side, especially men. He saw it and acted like it was no big deal.

We finally went on a date and constantly he was telling my new BFF how much he liked me and did not want to loose me. She would advise him on how to woe me and sweep me off my feet and he would never do what it took. After awhile I got tired of always having to share him with everyone. He would ask me out and it would turn out to be me meeting his friends, buying myself a beer and then either going back to his place to sleep in a bed full of dog hair or taking a cab back to my place.

I began getting peeved, how could you say you want me and not even take me on a real date? This went on and on and I made myself less available. He became confused, one moment he wanted just friends, the next for us to be dating. He would call me babe as if to indicate we were more than friends.

Eventually I began dating other people in hopes that he would get his act together and while his mouth said it bothered him, his actions said he didn't care.

The last straw came when I told him I wanted to hang out. He sent me a text asking what I was doing and when I told I was just watching TV he chose not to respond. I then asked him to proof my resume and a week latter I was still hearing, “I will do it tomorrow.”

looks like this JR guy was one of those “Big Talkers.” he could not even be a real friend to me yet alone anything else and the worst part about it is we are friends on foursquare, so I get all his updates when he checks into his favorite bars. Not that I am stalking him but it really sucks to see he has time to bar hop but none for the guy he claims he wanted to put on a pedestal.   

Letting Go, It's a Lesson.

I thought long and hard, hard and long, and even discussed it with my closest of close friends before I decided to end things with Dr. MeTo. Even now I go over to make sure I made the right decision. Every time I rehash it I always come to the same answer, “For Now.” my heart and my brain battles it out and they both agree, yes this is good, “For Now.” I wonder dose that mean he and I are destined or is it to mean that I need to just except the fact there is only one way to find out. I am quite confident that it means I am to just take this time and deal with all that is happening and grow.

I thought a lot of myself when I was 20, I had my own apartment, a full time job and I was putting myself through school. I had no help from my mother at all, she refused to help me. I secretly dated other men and it was all the same, they had nothing or were going no where. Rick who had a job but lived with his aunt and clearly was not about to change that, Chris who had no job, no car and lived with his mother there were a few others and they didn't last as long as the others. So many men all wanted me and I knew with each break up karma was not pleased.

Then the time came for my heart to be broken, guys stood me up for dates and Mr M strung me along. Then MeTo cam and he loved me but I was spiraling down. My mother rejected me more and more each day but his parents were quick to show me the love I was missing. I lost my job, car and was living with MeTo while he paid for everything. I felt helpless. The one lesson my mother taught me that I tried to be mindful of was that pride goes before the fall. I didn't know it but I had gotten quite prideful in my early 20s. And G-d took it all away. Leaving me to rediscover Victor.

I had to learn how to accept help and be dependent on someone else all the while trying to regain what I lost. I thought MeTo was the one until I started evaluating the situation.

They say people come in and out of your life fore all kinds of reasons. Some may stay forever and other stay for less than a day but they all bring something. Some teach you, some you teach, some offer you a hand and others allow you to help them.

MeTo was so much for me, he showed me things that I used to hope I could see, Miami, Fishing, campfires, smores, Jewish holidays, loving & supportive parents. Country living, what real love feels like. He has raised the bar for every man in my future.

But while he showed me many things and taught me how to be humble again I think there are lessons I need to learn while single that I simply cant learn while in a relationship, what they are I have no clue. One may be how to let go of something you love even when you don't want to. I don't want to let MeTo go but I feel the need that I have to. One of the lessons I learned in life, if you love something set it free, if you are meant to have it it will come back to you, if you are not meant to have it, it will be replaced by something better.

To be honest with you while writing this I think that is the lesson I am supposed to learn this year. I have always known that but I have never practiced that. I hold on to everything clothing, furniture, friends, trinkets. All my life I had to scratch and claw for everything to the point that I began settling. I want a lot out of life and sometimes you have to loose it all in oder to replace it. Everyone thought Job had it all, then he lost it, then it was replaced with better.

I am far from Job but I have lost a lot and I think its time I stop fighting and enjoy the ride for a little while. Its gonna be hard but it has to be done.  

Previously in My Indigo Life.

Some say the summer begins at the end of June others say memorial day, I say it starts when school ends. When you are in your mid 20's and your friends range from 21 to 30 this is a safe starting point. College classes typically end early may which means summer plans are not only under way but some have already been set into play.

May was a big month, to be honest the whole summer was huge looking back. Phil graduated from Temple and Mr. MeTo traded titles, Mr for Dr. Dr. MeTo completed his PhD and his plan was to finish things up at Rutgers and move in with his parents come June. Phil decided on some training for a job working in a hospital as nurse tech or something or other.

As for the rest of the RGOP well lets just say its no longer. Phil and Jaye decided that reconciliation was not going to happen. Tia did move back to Philly as well as myself. RJ went MIA and after hanging out with Adam one night he pissed on a bin of my clothes and passed out drunk. Then he moved to Lock Haven randomly and has not been herd from.

With Dr. MeTo living with his parents I decided to move back to the city of brotherly love where I knew getting buy would be much easier. A city with clubs, jobs and my friends all accessible by Mass Transit.

I finished classes may 13^th and started my new job at Starbucks the 17^th. I continued to work at the Den until the weekend of memorial day and that ended the chapter of my life I like to call “Dirty Jersey.” however I must admit the job at the den made Jersey worth it.

When June rolled around I was into full swing in working at Starbucks. I began making friends and it was nice to meet Jaye and Austin for coffee once in awhile. However something was missing. I had everything I wanted but I was not living with my Fiancée. To balance it all I picked up some old bad habits like Andrew and Raymone. Late night out dancing, drinking and parting. Before I knew it an old friend moved around the corner and it was two crazy nights I will never forget mild in nature compared to the past but fun all the same.

As I started to get to know the regulars at Starbucks there was one who stood out above the rest. I didn't know it at the time but he was working on becoming quite the big shot and for reasons that are UN-Sex and the City, I will call J.R. Big, J.R. for short. Mornings of hi's and smiles soon progressed to brief conversations with flirtatious undertones.

I soon realized I needed to have MeTo mark his territory. There were a few opportunities where I managed MeTo to come visit and I showed him off at work. Then all my coworkers knew I was not only engaged but engaged to a hunk.

I took two vacations this summer, one upstate to hang out with the Fiancée and his family and one to the beach to hang out with the extended family. Both trips were fun but left me longing to be back in the city.

In the mean time Jaye and I were drifting apart. I was living the fast life with my new friends and he was unable to join me due to his lack of funds. Before I knew it several mis communications latter I was being chastised via facebook.

JR soon decided to make his move and hit me up via facebook and then text and before I knew it my whole job knew he was interested and many to my surprise gave their blessing. I knew it was wrong and I did not want to go any further, so I sat him down and explained the situation, only one issue, I was a bit to honest.

I tried several other times to make friends and it was the same thing, meet up and then they would express romantic interest. Therefore I decided that Tuesday Karaoke with my coworkers would be my escape from my crazy life. It worked great and I soon had managed to balance it all. JR, MeTo, work, my new friends and even my finances.

The summer went on and I missed MeTo and I eventually told him so and then a few days later I picked a fight, then he poured out his soul and I did mine. Later a conversation with my aunt and a mutual friend helped me realize that if things were really meant to be I was going to have to test it, hard.

Dr. MeTo came down to visit at my request and simply hung out. One night I called off the engagement and the next the relationship. He gave good reasons why I shouldn't but my mind was made up. A few days latter I took my day off so I could finalize things for school, only to find out that due to a gross miscommunication at CCP my financial aid was not ready and I would have to front part of my tuition. I didn't have that kind of money and I became distressed. Much like DC after the earthquake which happened the same day.

After a night of heavy drinking and my regularly scheduled karaoke I was still feeling blue, it was not until I hung out with JR. He helped me put things in perspective and reminded me that I could still work on my other goals. Reminded me of someone.

So here I am at the end of august and single with a different cast of friends. Who would have thought that in 4 short months so much could change. I have no idea what the fall is bringing but I am ready.

Coming Soon!

A BFF named Britt.

Who is JR Big.

Planned for the fall.

Sex, Sex and Sex Facts.  

Modern Dating, Where is the Chivalry?

I have to say for the longest time I have looked at all my friends, gay , straight and bi and no one seems to get or even demand a little chivalry.

A modern date ranges from grabbing coffee, drinks, a quick dinner and or a roll in the hay. Most times the check is split as if it were friends meeting. Many second dates consist of the same thing. This happens until the two people involved decided to put a label on it and say, “Yeah we are dating.” then one decides to have the discussion of monogamy and that seals the deal, you are now in “a relationship.”

why is this so, Why is it that there has to be so much red tape in dating? What happened to two people liking each other and wanting to sweep the other off his or her\ feet. What happened to surprise flowers and chocolates. What happened to long dinners that ended with a soft kiss and controlled urges? Why do we all say we want true love but settle for people who rather hang as friends first and “date” after exclusivity.

Lets think about it? When was the last time your significant other or potential surprised you with a present, Just Because? When did they get you a trinket you liked just to show you they were paying attention to the little things? Its a bit painful that no matter how much advice I give of myself or advice I dish out that my friends and I keep finding guys who want us all to them selves but have no idea how to sweep me yet alone any other guy off their feet.

I have made surprise dinners, unforgeable birthdays, love letters, rearranged my schedule, and been the supportive type to the point their friends and family told them, “Don't fuck this up.” and what do they do? They do nothing, as if to say the status quo is enough. What is the status quo? You know it, dutch dinners, a drink here or there and basically the same shit you do with your friends. Translation, They fuck it up.

So to all my Sexy Women, Bottom Boys, and Lipstick Lesbians, time to make them bring back Chivalry, if they are not trying to make your friends jealous of what you got, then they don't deserve you.     

Its Re-loaded

So it has been two months since the big move back to the city. It was not long after the move that I screwed up my computer. With no money to fix it I had to just do without. It is amazing what can happen in just two short months, new job, new friends, new weekly traditions and new troubles. While drama has remained at an all time low it has taken me a little while to get adjusted to how fast things move in the city versus how they moved when I was in the burbs.

There is a lot to catch up on from, the tales of my, “Mommy Dearest,” to what is going on with the old and new RGOP. I guess stay tuned because my Indigo life is not just New, it's Re-loaded.  

A Good Way To Deal.

We all know that there are a lot of different emotions that homos deal with on a daily bases. We have to deal with all kinds of relationships that we some days would rather die to avoid. Relationship with our parents, significant others, complex friends, associates who try their best to keep you in that stereotypical pink light of being happy and flamboyant.  Its hard work especially when you don’t have many real supporters. Yeah your boyfriend supports you, your friends support you, but how many people know the real you, the moment you look sad they start to pretend they don’t know you, or act as if you don’t exist until the "you" they know and love returns.

My whole life I have felt like an actor. I had to lie to the world to protect those around me. Why is this so, why is it that I have to pretend to be someone else even when I just want to be me? It seems I have no one I honestly can talk to even after being out of the closet for four years and having a boyfriend for two. Many people will judge you for your emotions, that's not fair. Others will tell you that things are not as bad as they seem, well if they are not that bad why do I feel the erg to talk about them? I think the fact that I want to talk is indication that the problem itself may not be too bad but the way it is affecting me is making things far worse then they seem.

I am not the dramatic type I have had close calls with death, almost killed people, came close to going to jail, had bills back up to the point I was ready to scream bankruptcy but I never told a soul. Why bring attention to myself, the best way to deal with it is to take control of the situation. That is me, when I have an issue I do what I can to deal with it until I reach a point that there is nothing I can do but ask for help and even then I am very particular about whom I ask.

When asking for help I like to go to people who I know will understand that asking them for help is a last resort. The kind of person that may ask questions to get an understanding of the situation and not so they can tell me where I went wrong and deny help. Sure getting advice is great but advice with judgment and guilt in a time of need is not good advice.

Talking, Talking when you are going through hard times is a good thing. But who do you talk to? In a perfect world you would be able to talk to your boy friend but "the world ain’t so perfect." Many times your boyfriend will become distraught and whiney, making you wish you did not talk to him in the first place.  Too often he makes you feel worse because now he starts to tell you why he cannot deal with your problems. Wait, I just wanted to talk, vent a little, and maybe get some advice, why are we having a discussion about you and why you cannot deal with this? So now you know talking to the boyfriend is not so good.

What about mom and dad? Well if dad is dead and mom is a Homophobic hardcore Christian you are only going to get once piece of advice and it will be the same every time, “You need to start living for G-d, start praying, go to church and pay your tithes. If you do right by him he will take care of you.” Good advice if it was coming from someone who was not in debt, with recurring breast cancer, in a rocky 2^nd marriage, two kids with separate fathers neither of which are by her current husband, and in a job she hates. It is Proof that you should always take advice with a grain or two of perspective.

What about your extended family. This is where things get irregular. Some people are not close enough to their extended family to start up a conversation about what is wrong with their life. But sometimes grandparents are perfect listeners they may not have great advice for you, in their opinion, but they will listen, grandma or grandpa may say, “Just pray on it.” This is good advice because it means they feel talking to G-d is for everyone, not just the “Super Christians” and what they do may just work for you but it comes with no guarantees.

I have also found that gays typically have gay relatives, weather an aunt or uncle or maybe a cousin. It is a good idea to befriend this family member if for only one reason, commiserating. To have someone who knows your family dynamic makes it easier when sharing tales of woe. You will not have to explain how horrible your mother is when you are telling them that you no longer want to talk to her. I have found my aunt to be one of my greatest advocates she gives the best advice and knows when one must say fuck it. She and my father always told me to look out for number one and it has since become my family’s mantra. We take care of ourselves so we can take care of our family.

While I know I have some self centered family and friends I must always remember that I have one or two people in my life that serve a great purpose. I have a BFF that I can talk to most of the time and my aunt is both a great listener and gives good advice. My father’s side of the family are good people and are trying to undo the damage my mother’s side has done.

While most of the world may never get to my core at least there is my Aunt and Jaiye. Days when I am feeling blue I can think of them and feel fine, other days I call to chat and often they know what to say.  It is always the person you can commiserate with that turns out to be your best friend for life. Many times it is not the person it should be or even the person you want it to be but they are in your life. If they are not, “just pray on it,” G-d will send them to you. 

Too Tired, Almost Crazy.

To many times in our young adult lives we realize that 24 hour days are just too short. With work, school, family, significant others, friends, maintaining our home, and trying to remember to eat healthy we are lucky if we have a little free time to watch TV, go to the gym, or just stop and think. The moment you add moving and finding a new job to the mix we are left asking, “What’s the point?”

Life is a crazy thing, there are times we have way too much to do and others where we are so bored that we think about doing things we said we would never do just to find a few seconds of entertainment.  Why is that?

Just last Friday I ended up going out to Deko with my buddy because the alternative was eating bad ice-cream and watching TV until I fell asleep. OK that is not totally true. I had homework and lots of house work but my brain and body needed a major break from the status quo. So those were the options I gave myself.

One of the keys to a happy life, that we are all well aware of, is to not let work (Job, school, house work) get to the point that it is all we do. We know this but how often do we throw it by the way side allowing our days to be consumed by running here and there without a moment to stop and do something that makes us smile and say, “That was fun.”

Is there any advice I can give to help alleviate this? I don't know, my life has gotten so hectic that to sit and watch shows that I have recorded is now more of a chore than a moment of entertainment and I think that maybe it is time for a vacation. What makes it even worse is the fact that I cannot take a vacation due to school and the fact I cannot afford to take time off from work.

When you throw in a father in-law, whom I absolutely love, in the hospital and family and friends who live all over that miss me, time not spent taking care of home and homework is now spent visiting the people that matter. Sure I could just say screw it all, I am running away for a few days and will deal with the consequences when I get back, but then what. I will come back to a world where I have more work than when I left and is full of people whom I let down and feel as though I cannot be depended upon.

So what can one do? Deal with it. We learn to be a survivor and lean on whatever faith we have to pull us through until the moment to take a real break comes by, and when we see the opportunity for a break, take it. Take it and enjoy every half second of it. One will also find pleasures in the little things such as taking a shower or bath in a freshly cleaned bathroom, or the feeling of getting into a bed with brand new sheets, or sitting down to eat a meal that we know is not only tasty but healthy.  Life will offer you tiny moments to get you through the craziness until your major break comes, you just have to recognize them and take them for what they are.

Shoes

Women and Gay men love their shoes. From sexy sandals and flip flops to boots and dress shoes. I have to admit it was not until high school the I learned the power of a great shoe and the lengths that some are willing to go to get them. 

It was my sophomore year and I was doing my own back to school shopping, my mother said since I was working and had my own money I had to. I did all my shopping in center city. I went to Ross, Strawbridge’s, and almost every store in and surrounding the gallery. After buying many different shirts and pants and blazers I had the craving for burgundy dress shoes. I looked high and low, I doubled back and went to some stores that I knew I could not afford I wanted burgundy shoes that bad. 

My freshman year I saw the principal wearing burgundy shoes and I thought they were sharp. At the time I did not that i wanted them I just liked them until I had my own money to spend. I no longer had to wear what my mother wanted me to wear. No more surprise shirts that I could not wear because I didn’t have proper pants . no more jeans that were to big and no more shoes that had to go with everything.  I could buy a shirt that made since only with the elements it was purchased with.  

I soon realized that my money could only go so far, I eventually found the burgundy shoes and while they were a half size to big I purchased them any way. The looks, the ah’s, and the compliments were nonstop my sophomore year. I had many different looks and they were all my own. Inspired by a single item of clothing I would work to create a look that was surprising yet worked. Some of them even had names like Kiwi Strawberry, or the Blue look.

While my personal style started with shoes it did not end there I then found a love for sunglasses and each outfit had to have the proper shades and it soon trickled to my casual dress. 

As time went on and money had to be allocated to other things my style showed it. When I came out of the closet it became a problem. That’s when I learned one of the most important lessons in life. You can go through shit, be dealing with shit, and feel like shit as long as you look great. So I started getting comfortable with my body embracing the fact I was slim and the men loved it. Once again while my wardrobe was taking on new looks and they were all my own, it reflected a new era. It reflected my pride in me and how I no longer wanted to hide being slim. 

It eventually got to the point where I no longer wanted to look nice but I wanted to be a head turner. Reddish brown hair, curls, an afro, then makeup to hid imperfections and highlight my eyes without looking like I was wearing makeup. Shade the hid my face, and of course the shoes. Sneakers, sandals, dress, slides, I was now a collector and for Christmas I wanted shoes. 

We all love shoes, and the perfect shoe will always put an outfit on track.

Love, Sex, and Money !!

Three things that everyone wants and lots of, are Sex, Money and love. It is funny how money can buy sex and love can bring sex but love won’t get you money and money cannot get you love. So we work hard in hopes that our career will bring us happiness and lots of money and while the money won’t give us love it will make finding it a whole lot easier. 

What do you do when you have found love but you long for money? Or what do you do when you have found love you have money but the sex is just not where it should be even after you have worked on it? 

Life throws you a bone once in a while but how do you know which you should grab and hold onto and which you should throw back?

We Marched into the Den

So MeTo and I had made plans to go on a double date with a friend that I made while at Panera. He is young and immature but I see potential so I figured with me desperate for friends I would make him my little project. He recently started seeing this girl and I am unsure as to why but my opinion of her matters. So a double date was planed.

He ended up playing his typical games and I was left with nothing to do. MeTo and I tossed ideas around and we decided to do dinner and a club. Another friend that I had made now works at the Den and I had him put us on the list for what I thought would get us in for free.

I made my Facebook status state that I was cutting someone out my life as I was pissed about these last minute plans and we went out for half priced appetizers. It was a great night and I was turning heads, I love the attention. I laughed at MeTo’s jokes which were really funny and I smiled when he complimented me. Before I knew it the restaurant was empty and he was all I could see.

I then got confirmation we were on the list and then a call from the so called friend. He was using half truths to prevent feeling my wrath. I gave him the cold shoulder and made the call quick.

We then went to the Den where I found out admission was reduced and not cut. So to an ATM and we were in. I was surprised to see the club almost empty and the few people that were there were all young nerds. I immediately began trying to understand how this could be. I looked around and there were guys hopping to catch my attention and there were guys trying to get MeTo’s attention. We laughed as the awkward kids danced to songs that were being played just as awkwardly.

The outfits that some people wore made the 6 dollars worth it. I wondered how it was possible for so many gays to dress so poorly and I then it was clear why most people in Jersey go to New York and Philadelphia to enjoy good gay nightlife. Jersey really dose suck. 

A Shocking Apology

Mr. M and I had resumed speaking a few months ago. We began talking about how our lives were and what was new, the good and the bad in both. We had lots to catch up on and it was all via text. What a modern age we live in. we used devices that are designed with the intention to speak, to send the contemporary equivalent to short letters. 

The conversations were like old times except it was clear that while we still have love for each other, there is too much keeping us apart. Most important I am engaged to a wonderful man. Sometimes I choose to put that memory aside and focus on the bad in my life. I will admit it is quite selfish. It just so happened that Mr. M and I started talking while I was in one of those dispositions. We talked about his living situation and how he is unhappy with not having any real friends on the west coast and I talked about how I didn’t see how things were going to work out the way I wanted them to. It was days and days of texting and trying to make the other feel better.

Then one night I got a text that said, “I am sorry for hurting you.” I was shocked. I wanted to say, “it’s ok,” or “No need, you didn’t hurt me.” The best I could come up with, “I’m speechless.” I had already admitted to myself that I had allowed him to hurt me. I had also accepted the fact that it was my fault I put myself in that situation. I wanted to find love and for some reason at that point in my life I thought it was supposed to be him. I allowed him to play with my emotions and hurt me bad. I watched as he was then hurt and forgave and was hurt again. It hurt to see that here I was, someone who tried only to make him happy and he was holding onto someone who was breaking his heart and didn’t really care.

I remember thinking when I got word that he was dumped, “Good! That’s what he gets; I hope he is hurting badly.” I had no real right to think that. I was his friend and part of me honestly did feel bad.

I had always looked at Mr. M as my Mr. Big I thought that we would have our ups and downs but some day end up together, then Mr. MeTo proposed and I said yes and then my life took a different direction. It looked like Mr. M and I may not even know each other in a few years yet alone get back together. As time went on I was happy with MeTo and we began planning our life.

Then it came to the point when things changed, as far as what the two of us wanted. A city boy who loved the city and a country boy who loved the country both of whom hated the suburbs. It was like a fish and a bird falling in love. The love was strong but where could they build a life together?

I was perplexed and could only see my happily ever after dissipating. Then Mr. M came back in my life via text and then he apologized. What could this mean? We talked on all kinds of levels. I remembered things I wished had never happened. Such as the night of my 22^nd birthday party, the night we talked of what we wanted in the future, then the day we argued and he told me our chance to get back together had passed, the night I made out with his friend, the night we met, the night he got a tattoo, the day I called in sick to work so we could spend the morning together, and the Valentine’s day when he let me down. For two guys who were only together for 5 weeks we had some history and while we were official for only five weeks our relationship was anything but simple.

I told Mr. M that I was at fault as well; I wanted him to be mine and for me to be his. I fell for him and I should have not tried to be friends after the night he came over to my new place. But I did and I allowed him to hurt me all over. Now I was depressed and scared that I may lose the greatest love of my life and he was apologizing for our seeded past. We have a whole country between us and I am wearing a ring. My head was spinning. He longed to have friends visit and I was longing for a break from my life. I wanted to visit but judging by my mental state I knew what could happen, it was a good thing I could not afford a ticket.

The text went on and we kept it as friends and then one day I woke up and found myself missing my fiancé. I was angry with myself that I allowed myself to go back to that place, a place where I could ruin my future.  Mr. M and I have decided to be friends and MeTo and I are moving forward with our life. We negotiate and compromise with how our plans will work out. I want a big closet filled with shoes and clothes, a state of the art kitchen, a bathroom with a large tube so I may soak in comfort. I want my Bakery café and to be a domestic god. That’s what I want out of life for myself. MeTo sees my goals and understands them. He knows that I want him in my life and him being in my life makes me want to work towards such goals.

I still find it hard to get excited at this point in my life when it comes to school or new jobs or other such things. My future no matter how much planning I do is so up in the air, that’s how it has been all the way up to this point. All I know for certain is that I will have a career in food. Will my heart have what it wants as far as love? IDK but one thing is for certain everyone who knows Vixc-B knows I am willing to do what it takes to get it. They say you get two great loves in your life and you typically end up with one of them. I hope i have picked the right one.